Welcome to KT’s Kinda Shitty Wicked Tuna Recap, where I try (and usually fail) to understand how tuna fishing works by watching this show. If you’d like to check out my previous recaps, click here.
This week we start off with the Hot Tuna and its crew of twenty-somethings with questionable haircuts. Something called “the green stick” is going to be used this episode. Hold me, Clamonauts, I’m scared. “We don’t usually green stick in Gloucester,” apparently. We don’t usually value sobriety in Gloucester, either, but that’s a story for another post when I’m not drinking (which will be never).
Over on the F/V Lily, we’re told “Haaahpoon season is comin’ to an ehnd.” Tragic, really. “When you can’t see the fish, you can’t throw at them to hit them.” I have realized much of this program is explaining basic physics to the camera.
So Captain Hollywood decides that he’s pretty much boned because the fish are too deep to spear with a sharpened arrowhead like it’s 1590, and his only hope is following a giant trawler to catch stragglers which he’s not supposed to do. The other boat seems pretty pissed about the whole thing.
A THREAT ON THE OPEN SEAS! AHOY HOY!
This maniacal plan works though, and the Lily nets itself a fish, as the screen cuts to ANOTHER GODDAMN SLOW MOTION SEAGULL FFS. Do people in inland states find seagulls beautiful or something? Stop making them look majestic, they’re fucking assholes. Assholes who shit on your car and rip your trash apart.
Over on the Hard Merchandise, they talk about lightweight fishing lines and my eyes glaze over because I don’t care. In the next scene, Dave’s cigarette is impossibly long and it irritates me that he hasn’t flicked it YOU’RE GOING TO DROP HOT ASH ON YOUR HAND AND BURN IT OFF AND THEN HOW WILL YOU FISH?
GOD FORBID FISHING FOR A LIVING TAKES AWAY FROM ALL YOUR SMOKING.
They reel a fish with the lightweight fishing line which is “the equivalent of bear hunting with a BB gun.” I think bears might be a little angrier and bitier than the tuna, but minor details. There’s a lot of grunting and screaming and someone almost takes a dunk in the ocean (like my high school experience!). This lightweight “shy gear” setup thing requires whoever is reeling to don an incredibly phallic piece of gear and crank. Yep.
SOMEONE MAN THE STRAP-ON!
In the end, the tuna dildo (also my nickname in high school) doesn’t work, and they lose the fish. Finally, they catch a fish with the non-dildo fishing reel, all while Dave is (surprise) smoking another cigarette. At this point I don’t think I’ve seen him without one during any episode of this show.
Over on the Miss Sambvca, there’s all kinds of boy fighting, because they have literally caught one fish so far this season. There’s a tantrum over a blanket, and Fahkin’ Accent Guy is being a veritable ding-dong. His brother, who has given up his normal job to help his brother (and probably get on tv), is So Fucking Done with the guy and ragequits.
I had the same tantrum when they stopped selling Mint Skittles.
After more interminable fishing and screaming and yelling and fishing, the tuna.com catches another fish, and the show finally ends, and NOT ONE SEAGULL HAS TAKEN OFF WITH A HOT DOG. WTF.
I LOVE THE WIND IN MY BEARD
And on that note, see you all next time for another edition of FISHING AND YELLING.
Disclaimer: Despite poking gentle fun at the captains and crew of this show, we actually admire them very much – not only for their hard work, but for helping Gloucester get on the map for something interesting. Please don’t slash our tires.
