KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: S4 Episode 8, “Battle At Midway”.

Oh for god’s sakes here we go again with another episode of Wicked Tuna. Listen I’m sure most of these guys are interesting in real life, but this show is pretty much the least compelling thing on TV besides whatever’s on C-Span. Anyway this season is the midway point, which means soon enough I can stop watching this show. Hooray! I’m literally a month behind because my internet is spotty out here in no man’s land. I’m sure you’re all just chomping at the bit for me to catch up. So here we go. A collective sigh.

We start off with bagpipes. Why? Why? I’m Irish and I’ve lived within 30 miles or closer of Boston my whole life and NOT MANY PEOPLE HERE LISTEN TO BAGPIPES ON THE REGS. But it’s like, sunrise, so I guess they’re going for something dramatic. I guess.

Oh there’s Dramaboat with that dreamy dudecaptainguy! Woo! Now I’m paying attention. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tyler on StonahBoat has cut his hair. Whoa. Up is down, down is up, cats and dogs are living together in sin.

i have no words.

i have no words.

Who is this well-coiffed young man telling me about ways of the sea? I actually like shaggy hair, because I am a weird person, so I am a bit sad. But you look good, Tyler, don’t worry. His crewmember, David, is lamenting that he isn’t getting enough time with his two young kids and his wife, who is undoubtedly at her wit’s end. He’s like “this is hard”, and I completely understand. It’s almost like fishing really isn’t the best job when you have little kids, because you’re away for like 8 days at a time. He realizes exactly that, and has to figure out his options. I feel you, man. Seriously, I’m not even being snarky. I own two small children myself. That shit’s harrrd.

be still, my ladycrotch.

be still, my ladycrotch.

Oh, hello, suddenly we are transported over to HotBoat. I know I mentioned this last time, but damn if the producers of Wicked Tuna didn’t say “hey, this show is filled with some real 3/10’s, let’s get a box of hot in here.” Why, thank you, now I’ll watch only 80% ironically. Okay, hotstuff, what’s coming out of your facehole? Oh, words about fishing and shit. They tried to catch a fish and failed at the last minute. They’re mad. They needed that fish, it turns out.

With reggae music comes Stonerboat, who lost a fish due to “faulty tackle” which sounds a lot like a problem our contributor Adam has dealt with.

All of a sudden there’s another boat, the Bounty Hunter, which I swear to god has to be docked where I see it every day because I know I’ve seen that name and people wearing the shirts, but I literally do not pay attention to anything at all unless it’s food so who knows.

I know, tuna is food. Shush.

Anyway this boat now has one of the harpoon guys on it. “Hey, let’s do more reality TV!” said someone for some reason. Hooray. This part of the episode is basically “aging, pudgy white guys yell a lot and swear.” You people get on my case about my profanity, but this is like, TV. National Geographic. A formerly distinguished nature and science channel. Now we watch guys in dad socks scream “bitch” at the ocean. Awesome.

“I don’t think there’s any worse feeling than when you fight this fish and see that rod pop up and know you lost it.” Dude, really? REALLY? I know this is Dramz For the TVz but that would be like me saying “The worst feeling in the world is when WordPress eats one of my blog posts.” Not like, death, or loss, or the creeping spectre of global warming’s catastrophic outcomes, but a rod snapping. Cool.

[At this point, I actually ragequit the episode. I just can’t. Not without strong drugs.]


KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: S4 Episode 7, “The Maine Event”

Whoops, turns out I’m like forever behind on Wicked Tuna recaps. Mostly because I procrastinate in hatewatching this show. Alright, it’s not hatewatch, that seems too harsh- it’s more like “ambivalentwatch.” But let’s see if this week’s show is a total hot garbage pit, or if National Geographic can make fishing seem fun.

We start off with Stonerboat talking about food, to the surprise of no one. They catch a bite as they’re making dinner with another boat so one crew member is stuck on the other boat, and they make it look super dramatic as he LEAPS DANGEROUSLY the two feet back to Stonerboat. Tyler explains to the camera the difficulty in fishing for tuna at night, which is actually sort of logical and interesting. Mostly it’s dark and that makes it harder.

They catch their fish and because they are north of Glaahstaaah, they bring it to Kennebunkport, to a guy who appears to be wearing suspenders that double as measuring tapes. Bravo, sir, that’s Yankee ingenuity.

I can't really knock him since I dress similarly and I don't even work with fish.

I can’t really knock him since I dress similarly and I don’t even work with fish.

Over on the Haaaahd Merchandise, Captain Dave “Obvious” Marciano comes up with “You have to go where the fish are going to catch them.” Fantastic insight, sir. There’s some whiny baby talk about the Hot Tuna stealing Stonerboat’s “spot” on the ocean (are you even fucking kidding it’s an ocean it’s not yours), like everyone fishing is about twelve years old.

As the Hot Tuna tries to get their giant fish aboard, they actually have to blur out TJ’s foot-long plumber crack. Son, let me introduce you to the world of belts. Or fuck it, suspenders. Look, you can even get ones that double as a tape measure. It’s a whole new experience, bro.



After TJ and the Bears bring the fish in, the dog licks the dead tuna’s eyeballs. Fantastic. The Tuna.Com decides they shall also go where all these fish are going. Ugh seriously this show is boring as crap. Maine or Gloucester? No one caaares.

Oh look it’s the Lily, where they fish using ancient techniques like harpooning and using a plane (have they not heard of drones yet wtf), and they have the most insane accents in all the land.  I want to know why Bill Muniz’ nickname is “Hollywood” honestly. Did he have some film career before this? Haha no of course not this is Gloucester. Anyway, this show is reaching so harrrrd at this point, so that random other harpoon boat they added gets a little segment. Then the Lily harpoons a tuna and gets yelled at. I, for one, like an immature manboy ocean fight.


After there’s some man-fights, Ol’ Hollywood tells the camera, “Yeah I’m cocky! I bring meat to the dock!” And I laugh because I am twelve.

Back where everyone and their syphilitic uncle is fishing, the Hard Merchandise gets a pity-bite. “We have to function like well oiled machine!” Dave tells the camera, blissfully unaware of the irony in that his entire boat looks like it’s either never seen a drop of oil or it all leaked into the sea before they got to the breakwater. They manage to actually catch the fish.

The Tuna.com has apparently been caught in the middle of the ocean without any water or ice, which is a smart move. As a “high seas courtesy” the Hot Tuna gives them extra in return for a promised bottle of Patron. Unsure if that’s an equal match but I guess I can try it sometime and let you know how it turns out.

The random other harpoon boat bitches about Mr Bill Hollywood. “If you took that plane away from him, he wouldn’t catch dick!” I would know, as I was named Dick Catcher of the Year for 3 seasons in a row in the late ’90s. It takes skill.

“That’s how you drive a boat, b*tch!” says somebody. I’m unsure if that’s good or bad.

Oh finally it’s over. No more harpoon boats for the rest of the season. Look how sad I am.


Fish Caught: I can’t remember, I think 6  sounds right.

Slow Motion Seagulls: 3

“I need this fish” count: 2

Random Boats: 3


KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: S4 Episode 6, “Bent Rods and Broken Hearts”

How was your possible religious holiday and/or weekend? Awesome? Well let’s bring it down a notch with the WICKED TUNA RECAP TRAIN chugging into Gloucester station. We’re up to episode 6, “Bent Rods and Broken Hearts” – let’s see what completely unscripted, natural moments about fishing we’ll catch this week.

I think I’m a few weeks behind, and I can tell this immediately because this episode has an inexplicable fuckton of Irish-sounding background and dramatic scene music. Fun, I won’t hate this next 42 minutes at all. The first ten minutes of the episode revolve around a few of the boats hooking fish. “Yay fish things!” say some boats.

Scientists, all.

Scientists, all.

Over on the Hard Merchandise, our nonhirsuite captain screams about being excited, which is odd, because usually this guy has the composure of Bill Belicheck at a chess tournament. I look, but see no “Angelica Fisheries” hoodie sans sleeves. There is more screaming, involving describing exactly how they harpoon animals in the face, they yell WE NEED THIS FISH and… the line breaks at the very end. Um, oops.

Annd, we have a random new boat! This was probably the result of all those ads they placed in the GDT looking for boats. Welcome, DRAMABOAT.



The crew of this boat all appear to be younger dudes, late 20-somethings. And then there’s this guy. A HOT DUDE APPEARS FROM NOWHERE:



Holy crap, the producers have finally put something in this show that ensures I will watch the rest of the season. FUCK YEAH. His name is Paul and he better fucking stay in this show because he is hot as blazes.

Over on the Tuna.com, they’re making bacon. “Who doesn’t like bacon?” “Weird people don’t like bacon. Truer words on this show have never been spoken. Dave is gone AT HIS OTHER JOB AS AN AIRLINE PILOT HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?


What DOESN'T this guy captain?

What DOESN’T this guy captain?


So Sandro has a buddy who just graduated college who inexplicably has decided he wants to fish for a living. YOU HAVE A DEGREE WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING? Anyway he’s just on for the week. Over on the Haaahd Merchandise, they say “WE NEED THIS FISH” again, so clearly that means they’ll get one. Oop, nope. Womp-womp. Next thing I know, Dave is screaming profanity at the sea. We’ve all done that, Dave, no shame in screaming four letter words towards the indifferent, lapping waves.

What Dave points out is that he has no alternate source of income. While I sympathize with his decreased ability to make money, I also don’t get this. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but there are jobs in the world out there. I understand his need to make a paycheck, but I’ve changed industries and jobs from bike mechanic to customer service to social media and I once worked in an auto glass warehouse. This was all in ten years. If something stopped working, I did something else. It’s easy to fall through the cracks in this society and I am the last person to victim-blame, but you also need to see the forest for the trees sometimes and look to alternate sources of income. And now for saying that, my tires will probably be slashed. Gloucester!

Anyway, over on the Kelly Ann, we see Paul Hebert showing how calm the wind is by where the smoke from his cigarette goes. National Geographic. This show airs on National Geographic, which is arguably one of the best-known scientific and geographic magazines of our time. And we’ve got people still smoking on its TV channel. Awesome. Anyway I do enjoy some of Paul’s antics, so let’s go that way! Oh, and they get a fish, so good for them. And we also have Dramaboat there, so hot dang.

While Dave from the Tuna.Com is moving freely about the country, his deckhand Sandro and the new kid catches a fish so big it has trouble actually fitting through the hatch thing. Now I want sushi. Damnit.

Finally, the Hard Merchandise actually catches their fish. Everybody is happy. Hooray. The end!




Fish Caught: 3

Fish lost at the last minute: 1

“We need this fish!” count: 2

New boats: 1

Bacon strips cooked: 25


KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: Episode 3, “Bluefin Beatdown”.

Welcome back to KT’s Wicked Tuna recap, where I tell you what’s going on in this magical show so you don’t actually spend an hour of your weekend doing so. I take donations, by the way, for this service. Mostly in booze or tranquilizer darts (whatever, I have small boys, don’t judge).

So our third hot garbage episode of the season is upon us. I believe it’s called “The One Where Mike Fucks Up”, based on the previews. Most of the first five minutes is just stock footage of Stonerboat and Tuna.com getting into several years of sad man-drama, but then they switch over to the Hot Tuna and there’s TJ, totally throwing his little brother Mike under the bus on national tv for like six additional minutes. Hot damn, we have ourselves an episode.

"Is my shirt clean enough? It's only cable TV."

“Is my shirt clean enough? It’s only cable TV.”

The Pinwheel fails to catch a fish (even though they said they really needed it), and there is whining. Tyler mumbles a series of motivational phrases, and the show’s obviously scripted lines are yelled too quickly and thoughtlessly to be anything off-the-cuff. It’s not that any of us believe these reality shows represent the truth, but there are times when this show doesn’t even try to hide the scripting. Dave’s Tuna.com catches a fish, and then whomps it with an anchor ball. Okay! Cool. Normal.

There is a little bit on Paul’s new boat, the Kelly Ann, and some kid making a delicious-looking breakfast. However, they don’t catch anything and are largely useless for the entire episode. The Hard Merchandise doesn’t even show up for this episode, though, so at least these guys got to eat delicious breakfast sandwiches.

hooray for boat sandwiches!

hooray for boat sandwiches!

The Hot Tuna has a fish on their line, but then just starts leaking power steering fluid everywhere. So basically they just put more steering fluid in, and then it slowly seeps into the ocean. That’s… safe. And good for the ocean. Thanks for that, NatGeo. The Tuna.com has another fish, who they deem “an asshole”. Well, yeah, I think that’s because he has a hook in his face. Probably. And now he’s dead and will be in my next spicy tuna roll. Hooray!

Back to the Hot Tuna, where they smartly decide to catch the leaking oil in a bucket instead of letting it seep directly into the ocean. They catch the fish on their line with the help of Mike, who has finally done something worthy of his family’s love (sweating in a small, hot room). Hooray!

Okay this has been an entirely boring episode. A few more fish get caught in incredibly boring ways, some yelling happens, karma is or is not served on Tyler, some tuna gets sold for varying amounts of money, I need another margarita, blah blah blah.

Drinks Consumed: 1.6 (zzz this stupid episode sucked)
Tuna Caught: 4
We Really Need This Fish Count: 2
Reel Reel Reel! Count: 3
Slow Motion Seagulls: 0

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: Episode 2, “Anchor Anger”

Last week, I recapped the first episode in this season of Wicked Tuna. Episode 2 aired last night Sunday Night, and boy, do we have plenty to talk about (probably not it’s a boring show). I’m done geared up for the next 43 minutes of my life! I have some margaritas, my DVR, and a growing sense of dread – I’m good to go.

We start off with the Tuna.com, where they spend a 2 minute portion of the show filming absolutely nothing of interest. Next is a segment on the Pinwheel, which is all decked out in its normal stupid rasta glory. At one point there is green, yellow, and red pretty much everywhere, including the color of the fishing line and Tyler’s boxer shorts.

Diversify, people.

Diversify, people.

I literally do not get this obsession. I don’t think I have cumulatively smoked enough weed in my life to ever purchase anything related to reggae. I mean more power to him, I just thought that whole trend was done in like 1999 but what do I know, I just live and breathe pop culture and am married to a nightclub DJ. Kids these days. Anyway, SLOW MOTION SEAGULLS!



Over on the Hot Tuna, Mike explains that he is TJ’s younger brother by 18 months, making them “Irish Step-Twins.” o_O He then states that because they are brothers, he will bring yelling and tension to the boat, which basically was like “please keep me on, I shall bring ever so many ratings.” But whatever, they seem cool, so let’s get to some drama.

Oh, more reggae music, so we’re back on Stonerboat. Oh, there’s some dramatic music because Pinwheel and Tuna and Tyler says “I’m going to pop your anchor ball!” That’s totally unscripted, I bet.

Crazy just happens out on these high seas! Anyway turns out he was just being a dick. “This guy’s going to get beaten one of these days!” says somebody. Yeah, that’s pretty much the Gloucester way – just assault somebody. Classy. Maybe you can also not pay your cab fare and be in possession of a Schedule B substance while you’re at it, really go for broke. They continue to talk about the likelihood of Tyler being beaten and apparently no one steps in to say it’s a bad idea. Amazing.

Anyway the Tuna.com accidentally keeps catching sharks, while Pinwheel lands another fish. Dave gets sorta butthurt and steams away sulking, while Tyler and his group of skater bois wave dramatically. I can’t even hate on the Pinwheel because they’re sorta the best thing this show has. I just want more footage of them slamming cheeseburgers and PBRs like we know they have somewhere on the cutting room floor. Can we just cut all the Hard Merchandise scenes and just have way more stoner action? I want to see some Cards Against Humanity going on.

Why haven’t they called the Hot Tuna the Ott Tuna? Har Har. Oh, I’m almost two drinks in by the way. Yep. No one was saying “I need this fish” so I just went with a slow and continuous drinking to block out the reggae music.


Sometimes I pause this in the weirdest places.


The Hard Merchandise reels a fish, and someone yells “we got a wicked screamer!” which was, of course, my nickname in high school.

Back on the Tuna.com, Dave reaches a new level of freak-out and uses more profanity than I do when his line breaks. At one point he blames an entire week of bad luck on Tyler, which is an incredibly adult and mature thing to do. Then upon returning to the Marina, he actually whacks Tyler directly in the face and threatens to break his legs, and then says Tyler has “no backbone.” Um, you just assaulted someone much younger and smaller than you. What the fuck even is this show? People enjoy watching half-fake assaults between white guys in dumb shorts? I literally don’t understand America. Way to represent Gloucester, guys. Awesome. Good work.

Drinks Needed: 2.5
Tunas Caught: 4
Slow Motion Seagulls: 1
Dogs Yelled At: 1
Idiotic Assaults: 1