Hola, Clampadres. It’s the last day of our first round of the Tournament of Awful, Ungodly Intersections. Make sure you get your votes in before we advance to the next round!
Poplar & Washington vs Centennial & Emerson
Poplar and Washington is kind of a sleeper entry into this contest. “It’s not THAT bad,” you say to yourself, but it kinda is that bad. All the time. Sure, taking a right isn’t automatically summoning death, but just try to take a left onto Poplar any time that isn’t the dead of night. People who don’t quite understand how a fucking rotary works (THOSE PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK) come flinging out of Grant Circle at ten thousand miles per second and almost t-bone you when you had a clear shot a millisecond ago. And try to take a left from Poplar onto Washington. On second thought, don’t. You’ll never make it. You will grow old and die waiting.
Centennial & Emerson/Commonwealth is one of my personal most hated intersections, mostly because my kid goes to Pathways so I go through this intersection four times a day. People FLY THE FUCK down Commonwealth now that it’s been repaved. It’s goddamn unbelievably dangerous.
LITERALLY THIS IS THE SOUND OF TRAFFIC WHEN YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO GET THROUGH THE FUCKING INTERSECTION. Listen, fuckwads, slow the shit down. You do have control over your acceloratrix. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve almost been taken out by some high school kid doing 90 late for homeroom.
Sayward/Bass/Brightside vs Norman/Magnolia/Shore Dr.
Oh my fucking god, Sayward and Bass Ave. It sucks sooooo baaaad. While sometimes you can scoot through with barely any pause at all, you just fucking try it on a Saturday with nice weather. I have been backed up to Captain Joe’s before, no fucking lie. “Hey, let’s make the exit of pretty much all of East Gloucester ONE FUCKING ROAD,” some asshole must have once said, “And then let’s put a cut-through in the same intersection. I have spent seven minutes getting from the top of Sayward at Haskell down to Meineke. I know this because I timed it, since I had nothing better to fucking do since traffic wasn’t moving. You know what the fucking worst is? When some super de dooper dickbag goes in the right lane and then takes a left. I want to punch these people right in the butthole. Although blog-friends of ours live on the corner and sometimes it’s fun to drink in their kitchen and watch people angrily navigate the intersection.
Norman/Magnolia/Shore is our attempt to reach beyond downtown and include our far-flung friends in Magnolia. I mean, no intersection is particularly bad, as Jim Dowd pointed out to me, “because it looks like a freight train of nerve gas tipped over there.” Point your angry letters in his direction. Anywho, the one time a year I bother going to Magnolia for whatever reason, this intersection kinda blows. I mean, first of all, why is there a round thing in the middle of an intersection if it’s not meant to be a rotary? We have a tourist population, people have no idea how to drive in optimal conditions, let alone when faced with a random barrel thing in the middle of a 4-way intersection. Nevermind, there doesn’t even have to be a fucking next thing, because that’s it. Yeah, and then the confusing one-way stuff going on there, that’s probably a thing too.