Brooke Welty Provides a Newcomer’s View of Gloucester in the List Form You People Crave

Brooke Welty is the Clam’s Chief Marketing Executive which has a hefty paycheck of “nothing” and is responsible for trying to get us more than 4 twitter followers with her elite social media skills. In her virgin offering to the Clam, she explains what she has learned so far as a newcomer to Cape Ann. 

  1. Gloucester is a very old town, with very old roads. The roads will make every effort to destroy your shocks, and your spirit. Also, Grant Circle is pretty much Thunderdome. Equip your car with some weaponry, spikes, and something which shoots flames, and you’ll be all set.
    This should be sufficient. "Should".

    This should be sufficient. “Should”.

    Gloucester is also is full of terrifying lawless zones known as “intersections.” These include the confluence of Railroad, Maplewood and Prospect, marked by a big green buoy (I think?) which looks like someone haphazardly jammed it into the road, leaving the city planners to say “Fuck it, we’ll stick some signs on it, people can drive around it.”

  2. What the hell is a “bomb” sub? I had a conversation that went like this:
    Me: “What’s in a chicken bomb”
    Her::”It’s the bomb sub, but with chicken.
    Me: “Yes, but what’s in it?”
    Her: “It’s just the regular bomb, with chicken.”
    Me: “I’ll have the chicken fingers.”
According to Google, this is the answer I was seeking.

According to Google, this is the answer I was seeking.

 

3. People on Eastern Point hate interlopers. The roads are festooned with signs trying to make you turn around, get lost, and then give up. It’s the equivalent of the big stone faces in Labyrinth shouting at Sarah to try and scare her away, only with nicer hedges.

falseThe guard on Eastern Point will look menacingly into your car, like a squinty eyed police detective, trying to decide if he should let you pass or not. I want to ask him if he has a checklist to help him decide. I bet he has a skin tone paint color swatch to check against the interlopers.

4. There is no decent fried chicken to be found…anywhere on Cape Ann, it seems. I mean, you guys fry oysters like no one’s business, and damn those are delicious. Try doing that to a chicken.

5. THERE IS NO INDIAN FOOD I KNOW WE JUST WENT OVER THIS BUT STILL. Which is surprising, given how people in this town love beer. Indian is natural drunk food.

6. There are a shit load of antique/junk shops. If you want to find that perfect knickknack that makes you feel like you’re back at grandma’s house, you’ll be all set.

7. There are also a metric butt-ton of niche touristy specialty shops. How many handcrafted jewelry pieces can one gal own, anyway? And with the amount of breezy scarves you’d think we all dress like the Golden Girls. (I secretly covet Dorothy’s power shoulder pads though.)

Wicked Tuna Recap – Brotherly Shove

Welcome to KT’s Kinda Shitty Wicked Tuna Recap, where I try (and usually fail) to understand how tuna fishing works by watching this show. If you’d like to check out my previous recaps, click here.

This week we start off with the Hot Tuna and its crew of twenty-somethings with questionable haircuts. Something called “the green stick” is going to be used this episode. Hold me, Clamonauts, I’m scared. “We don’t usually green stick in Gloucester,” apparently. We don’t usually value sobriety in Gloucester, either, but that’s a story for another post when I’m not drinking (which will be never).

Over on the F/V Lily, we’re told “Haaahpoon season is comin’ to an ehnd.” Tragic, really. “When you can’t see the fish, you can’t throw at them to hit them.” I have realized much of this program is explaining basic physics to the camera.

So Captain Hollywood decides that he’s pretty much boned because the fish are too deep to spear with a sharpened arrowhead like it’s 1590, and his only hope is following a giant trawler to catch stragglers which he’s not supposed to do. The other boat seems pretty pissed about the whole thing.

A THREAT ON THE OPEN SEAS! AHOY HOY!

A THREAT ON THE OPEN SEAS! AHOY HOY!

This maniacal plan works though, and the Lily nets itself a fish, as the screen cuts to ANOTHER GODDAMN SLOW MOTION SEAGULL FFS. Do people in inland states find seagulls beautiful or something? Stop making them look majestic, they’re fucking assholes. Assholes who shit on your car and rip your trash apart.

Over on the Hard Merchandise, they talk about lightweight fishing lines and my eyes glaze over because I don’t care. In the next scene, Dave’s cigarette is impossibly long and it irritates me that he hasn’t flicked it YOU’RE GOING TO DROP HOT ASH ON YOUR HAND AND BURN IT OFF AND THEN HOW WILL YOU FISH?

 

GOD FORBID FISHING FOR A LIVING TAKES AWAY FROM YOUR SMOKING.

GOD FORBID FISHING FOR A LIVING TAKES AWAY FROM ALL YOUR SMOKING.

They reel a fish with the lightweight fishing line which is “the equivalent of bear hunting with a BB gun.” I think bears might be a little angrier and bitier than the tuna, but minor details. There’s a lot of grunting and screaming and someone almost takes a dunk in the ocean (like my high school experience!). This lightweight “shy gear” setup thing requires whoever is reeling to don an incredibly phallic piece of gear and crank. Yep.

 

SOMEONE MAN THE STRAP-ON!

SOMEONE MAN THE STRAP-ON!

In the end, the tuna dildo (also my nickname in high school) doesn’t work, and they lose the fish. Finally, they catch a fish with the non-dildo fishing reel, all while Dave is (surprise) smoking another cigarette. At this point I don’t think I’ve seen him without one during any episode of this show.

Over on the Miss Sambvca, there’s all kinds of boy fighting, because they have literally caught one fish so far this season. There’s a tantrum over a blanket, and Fahkin’ Accent Guy is being a veritable ding-dong. His brother, who has given up his normal job to help his brother (and probably get on tv), is So Fucking Done with the guy and ragequits.

I had the same tantrum when the stopped selling Mint Skittles.

I had the same tantrum when they stopped selling Mint Skittles.

After more interminable fishing and screaming and yelling and fishing, the tuna.com catches another fish, and the show finally ends, and NOT ONE SEAGULL HAS TAKEN OFF WITH A HOT DOG. WTF.

windhair

I LOVE THE WIND IN MY BEARD

And on that note, see you all next time for another edition of FISHING AND YELLING.

Disclaimer: Despite poking gentle fun at the captains and crew of this show, we actually admire them very much – not only for their hard work, but for helping Gloucester get on the map for something interesting. Please don’t slash our tires.

SPORT HORSE HERE WITH YOUR SPORTS REPORT!

HEY CLAM BLOG READERS! SPORT HORSE BACK. SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT, RIGHT? WHERE ONE EVEN BEGIN?

OKAY SO FIRST OFF MY BRO CALIFORNIA CHROME NOT WIN TRIPLE CROWN. SPORT HORSE BET FOAL’S EDUCATION FUND ON THAT HORSE, SO NOW THEY HAVE TO LEARN FAMILY TRADE OF PULLING CARRIAGES OF ASSHOLE TOURISTS AND SHITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF STATE STREET.

WE ALSO DINOSAUR COSPLAY

WE ALSO DINOSAUR COSPLAY

ANYHORSE, I WAS THINKING THO WE NEED SOME GLOUCESTER-RELATED HORSE RACING NAMES. I MEAN HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE? I ASK CLAMTRIBUTORS TO HELP ME WITH NAMES AND WE COME UP WITH THESE:

  • UNHEALTHY FULLER SCHOOL OBSESSION
  • EASILY THWARTED PAYWALL
  • NARCAN SUNRISE
  • NORMAN’S WOAH
  • FIREBALL
  • SEABISCUT CAPSLOCK
  • SKETCHY BAIT VAN
  • ISLE OF FOALS

OVER IN NBA NEWS, GAME 1 OF NBA FINALS BETWEEN MIAMI HEAT AND SAN ANTONIO SPURS BORES SPORT HORSE, BUT LEBRON JAMES LEG CRAMP WENT CRAZY VIRAL RIGHT? LISTEN, IN SPORT HORSE WORLD, LEG CRAMPS BAD NEWS. IT NOT JOKE. MY FATHER HAD LEG CRAMPS AND THEY TOLD ME HIM GO TO LIVE ON A FARM UPSTATE AND WE NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN. I DO NOT WANT LEBRON TO GO LIVE ON FARM HE WOULD NEVER SURVIVE I MEAN LOOK AT HIM.

cramp1

 

LET’S TALK HOCKEY NOW!

OKAY SO RANGERS BEAT MONTREAL (AHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAH) AND ARE FACING THE LA KINGS IN STANLEY CUP FINALS. NO LIE SPORT HORSE ADMIRE BOTH TEAMS.

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FUN FACT: THIS ACTUAL SIGN SPORT HORSE MAKE. YAHOO SPORTS LOVED IT.

SPORT HORSE WATCH GAME TWO. TIRED BECAUSE GAME START LATE ON WEST COAST AND GO TO GODDAMN DOUBLE OVERTIME. NEED MORE COFFEE HONESTLY. THIS SERIES AWESOME TO WATCH – KINGS KEEP COMING BACK FROM GOAL DEFICITS TO WIN. I SUGGEST ALL CLAM READERS WATCH GAMES.

 

No Snark Sunday, Urban Agriculture Edition

Hey Clamuniards! Welcome again to the day of the week where we take a look at some of the much awesome being produced here in our fair city. Today we actually look at produce being produced (see what we did there?) by The Backyard Growers Program, a grassroots organization dedicated to getting people of all income brackets to turn some of their yards to garden space. They’ve also been working with the elementary schools to bring gardening to kids. It’s been crazy successful and  founder Lara Lepionka takes the reigns of the Clam (risking her impeccable reputation) to give us a list (we know how you people love lists) of the top ten things that she’s learned  through the experience of working with schoolchildren:

Lara wields her dark power over impressionable youths

Lara wields her dark power over impressionable youths

9 Things I Learned Gardening with Gloucester School Students

by Special Vegetable Correspondent Lara Lepionka

1) There are so many kids who are in need of “nature time” that when they come out to the garden they simply need to spend some time touching soil and looking at bugs before we can actually plant or harvest.
2) Kids will, in fact, eat what they grow – I’ve watched kids willingly shove handfuls of spinach into their mouths without complaint – and often with a degree of joy. My favorite quote from a Beeman student, “I never thought lettuce could taste so good.”
3) I’m pretty impressed at how well behaved 1,300 children can be in the school garden. They want to be there.
4) Children have a wide range of food/gardening experience. We have kids who have never eaten a carrot before, and kids who can tell me the 12 different heirloom tomato varieties growing in their home gardens. I had one kindergartener who didn’t believe me that carrots grow under ground—the look on her face when she pulled the carrot out of the ground….
5) Kids will make healthy food choices (veggies and fruit) if presented with fresh, appealing options.

Isn't there a way to do this on an iPad?

Isn’t there a way to do this on an iPad?

6) Kids know stuff. They know worms are good for the soil and why. They know what plants need to live. They are learning these things in the classroom, and the school gardens give them a chance to apply their knowledge.
7) Farming is work. Kids actually like to work. On a recent first grade field trip to my farm I told kids they were going to do chores and then I set them to work cleaning out the chicken coop, turning compost, planting potatoes, etc. When we were done one kid said, “So what’s my chore going to be?”

Wait, is this part of Common Core?

Wait, is this part of Common Core?

8) I’m a straight up sciencey girl who is not into fluffy stuff. But I’ve got to say, our culture is totally out of whack when it comes to understanding and appreciating natural and cosmic cycles. In my travels I’ve met folks that don’t know the sun rises in the east, that the moon governs the tides, why the days are shorter in December, etc. Children are less connected to the cycles that govern our food production, which can’t be good.
9) Kids are proud of their gardens, and I think they recognize that their school community worked together to make the harvest possible.

Thank you Lara…wait…9? Only 9? What the Hell? I guess it’s planting season and these people are busy…

You people reading should get busy too. Join in with lots of other folks and organizations in giving them lots of moneyz! Check them out online, join, and be sure to support!

A List of Possible Names For Future Gloucester Strip Clubs

by: The Clamtributors 

The GloHo

The Widow’s Peek

The Ho’s Nest

Gulls Gulls Gulls

Hot Tuna

The Golden Sea Cucumber

The Crab Trap

Pleasant Street T&A Company

 The Happy Taco (Ed note: We are informed this already exists)

The Titz Hugh Lane House [edit: reader Rob Parsons

came up with this and we felt it was too good to pass up.]

And lest you think we could overlook the lucrative male stripper industry, we have:

The All-Buoy Review

Woodman’s

The Greasy Pole (obviously)

The Maple Wood

Man-Chester

Seaman’s