Welcome to KT’s Kinda Shitty Wicked Tuna Recap, where I try (and usually fail) to understand how tuna fishing works by watching this show. If you’d like to check out my previous recaps, click here.
This week we start off with the Hot Tuna and its crew of twenty-somethings with questionable haircuts. Something called “the green stick” is going to be used this episode. Hold me, Clamonauts, I’m scared. “We don’t usually green stick in Gloucester,” apparently. We don’t usually value sobriety in Gloucester, either, but that’s a story for another post when I’m not drinking (which will be never).
Over on the F/V Lily, we’re told “Haaahpoon season is comin’ to an ehnd.” Tragic, really. “When you can’t see the fish, you can’t throw at them to hit them.” I have realized much of this program is explaining basic physics to the camera.
So Captain Hollywood decides that he’s pretty much boned because the fish are too deep to spear with a sharpened arrowhead like it’s 1590, and his only hope is following a giant trawler to catch stragglers which he’s not supposed to do. The other boat seems pretty pissed about the whole thing.
This maniacal plan works though, and the Lily nets itself a fish, as the screen cuts to ANOTHER GODDAMN SLOW MOTION SEAGULL FFS. Do people in inland states find seagulls beautiful or something? Stop making them look majestic, they’re fucking assholes. Assholes who shit on your car and rip your trash apart.
Over on the Hard Merchandise, they talk about lightweight fishing lines and my eyes glaze over because I don’t care. In the next scene, Dave’s cigarette is impossibly long and it irritates me that he hasn’t flicked it YOU’RE GOING TO DROP HOT ASH ON YOUR HAND AND BURN IT OFF AND THEN HOW WILL YOU FISH?
They reel a fish with the lightweight fishing line which is “the equivalent of bear hunting with a BB gun.” I think bears might be a little angrier and bitier than the tuna, but minor details. There’s a lot of grunting and screaming and someone almost takes a dunk in the ocean (like my high school experience!). This lightweight “shy gear” setup thing requires whoever is reeling to don an incredibly phallic piece of gear and crank. Yep.
In the end, the tuna dildo (also my nickname in high school) doesn’t work, and they lose the fish. Finally, they catch a fish with the non-dildo fishing reel, all while Dave is (surprise) smoking another cigarette. At this point I don’t think I’ve seen him without one during any episode of this show.
Over on the Miss Sambvca, there’s all kinds of boy fighting, because they have literally caught one fish so far this season. There’s a tantrum over a blanket, and Fahkin’ Accent Guy is being a veritable ding-dong. His brother, who has given up his normal job to help his brother (and probably get on tv), is So Fucking Done with the guy and ragequits.
After more interminable fishing and screaming and yelling and fishing, the tuna.com catches another fish, and the show finally ends, and NOT ONE SEAGULL HAS TAKEN OFF WITH A HOT DOG. WTF.
And on that note, see you all next time for another edition of FISHING AND YELLING.
Disclaimer: Despite poking gentle fun at the captains and crew of this show, we actually admire them very much – not only for their hard work, but for helping Gloucester get on the map for something interesting. Please don’t slash our tires.
The tuna dildo (dilduna? tunado?) is like something out of Eyes Wide Shut. Or Lair of the White Worm.
At last! Someone else who reveres (you do revere it, don’t you?) The Lair of the White Worm! Whatever happened to Worm Queen Amanda Donahoe? (we know what happened to Hugh Grant, but don’t really care).
It really is an underrated classic. I feel like she was on…something on American tv in the early 90s.
Oh oh, now you did it. My Institute has blocked the Clam. “Pornography Content is Blocked”. But since I am a computer whippersnapper in ten seconds I fired up a proxy website to bounce off of so my overseers here cannot track me.
Let me see. Ah, here it is. Must be “tuna dildo” that set their hearts a flutter and threw up the walls to protect me from dildos made of tuna.
A word about nomenclature. The strap-on that he is wearing looks to actually be an inny not an outty. That is, the pole is inserted into the strap-on. So I think a better word for that device is a mangina. (Rhymes with fine ah and vagina as in nothing could be fine-ah then to be in your …. Does not ryhime with Orangina.)
-Paul Morrison & RD (by proxy)
Re “In the end, the tuna dildo … doesn’t work, and they lose the fish.” I understand that they lost the fish, but how do you know the tuna dildo didn’t work for this guy? Also, which end did it not work in?
Not sure, but he apparently was not fond of my recap. Oops. SERIOUSLY IT’S SATIRE NOT EVEN REAL, I SWEAR!
You will learn that there’s a huuuuge % of folks that
Going through life with no working sense of humor would be my own personal hell.
I have stopped watching the show and will rely soley on your recaps as I now find them more entertaining that actually watching. And Joey is not kidding about the satire thing, it can get ugly, once The Clam has a large enough following some people will start asking you to stop doing what got all the people to follow your blog in the first place and they will think they own you.