If We fail to Get the Olympics to Boston in 2024, We Can Always Start Our Own.

Alright, so this “Olympics” thing ain’t quite a done deal. The US bid has to compete with international bids like Rome and Berlin. We could miss our one shot at cleaning up the raging dumpster fire known as Chelsea.


Population 37,600.


If we, Boston and the surrounding area, don’t end up winning the eventual 2024 Summer Olympiad, don’t freak out – we can just have our own Boston Area Olympic Games. It’ll be a lot less hassle and traffic and it’ll be way more fun to watch.

For instance, let’s take New Hampshire. What, for instance, could New Hampshire offer for cheap knock-off homegrown Olympic games?

Olympic Jetskiing. Listen, we already went over this – You don’t have to be in peak physical condition to be an Olympic racewalker or ping-pong player. So why limit our own Olympics to endurance-pushing physical feats like marathon running and gymnastics? Any bro fresh out of college can have a friend hold their beer and do a sick 1/4 mile Jetski dash across Lake Winnipesaukee, and that’s what the games should be about. LIVE FREE OR DIE.

Hello, ladies.

Hello, ladies.

Olympic Accidentally Leaving Your Firearm Atop Your Squad Car And Not Noticing All Day. The Summer Olympics already have sharpshooting, we need some not-so-sharp shooting. I think we can pull it off. Alternately, New Hampshire can offer the traditional “500m Run For Help After Accidentally Shooting Your Cousin In The Foot At A Sketchy Hunting Cabin” sponsored by Papa Johns.

We call it "Mount Ouch."

We call it “Ouch Mountain.”

But beyond New Hampshire, what of Vermont? Its more laid back and hippie neighbor also has a lot to add as far as new Olympic sport contenders.

Olympic Cheesemaking. Seriously, you want to get people watching the Olympics? That’s what gets people to watch the Olympics – some hipster named Dan with a stupid moustache making fresh mozzarella as fast as possible. There is both a solo and team cheesemonger’s race.

Olympic Subaru SnowCross. This kind of already exists in a way, but usually it’s the Kids These Days in their souped-up Imprezas and shit. Hell no. I want a 1994 Subaru Outback Wagon with a “Coexist” bumper sticker on the back and organic carrot juice spilled on the back seats racing against a 1987 Baja with no bumpers or side window that only has farm plates. And there should be some jumps. Hell, race them down a sledding hill.

Is Rayne Starshine buckled in back there?

Is Rayne Starshine buckled in back there?

I know Jim talked about how Saugus can provide much of our Olympic infrastructure, but we can also take a look around at other Massachusetts cities and towns for ideas.

Somerville can provide us with Olympic Tallcycling, what with the SCUL bike gang and all. Regular sprints inside a velodrome with $20k 8-lb track bikes? Boring as hell, son. Give me a manboy in a denim jacket teetering on something that looks like it was built at Burning Man by a person with entirely too much sand in their asscrack, and I’ll show you a ratings bonanza. The dismount at the end is an extra ten points if they can stick the landing while holding onto a tallboy of Rolling Rock. Points are deducted for spilling the Rolling Rock or breaking their stupid sunglasses.


Think of the Union welding jobs this will create! JOOOBSSS!

Think of the Union welding jobs this will create! JOOOBSSS!

– Allston’s premier sport, the Walk of Shame, is also a top contender for inclusion into the 2024 games. While historically this has been a female-dominated sport, in recent years there has been a strong showing by male athletes as well. At 8 AM Saturday, the Walk begins at the corner of Harvard and Brighton avenues, winding its way toward the BU Central campus. It is a sport steeped in tradition – participants must be wearing one 5′ high heel, a sequined skirt, and a men’s large shirt reading “SUNS OUT GUNS OUT.”


I have a bronze medal already.

She has a bronze medal already.


“Wait, KT – you forgot to mention Connecticut, Maine, and Rhode Island, what are you, lazy and tired of writing?” No. You know what? No (and yes). No one likes Connecticut. No one. It’s basically New York City’s rich people who desire and can obtain garages and a yard. And Rhode Island can really only complete in Olympic-level Irrelevance or possibly I95 Curve Slalom. Maine? Yeah, we like Maine, but fuck it. Get your shit together, Maine. Take a shower and call us back in ten years and we’ll talk.




We came, we Saugus, we kicked ass

When we here at The Clam hear the complaints that Boston is unsuitable as an Olympic host city because of simple issues like “capacity” or “infrastructure”, we are filled with rage. Actually, we are filled with rage a lot, it’s a side effect of the steroids we’re take in anticipation for the 2024 Games where we hope to compete in the co-ed “Mixed Drone Offensive Freestyle.” It’s an activity we presume will be added to the summer games within the next five years. It involves crossbows, bungee cords, and quadcopters with razor-sharp titanium rotors.

And the stadium is on fire

Also the stadium is on fire

But when we unclench our jaws long enough to speak, we tell the doubters and the haters they are thinking too small. That there is already a place just waiting for the kind of special attention and infrastructure improvements the games can bring. And an internationally-themed Olympic headquarters sitting empty, begging for glorious purpose.

And they say Boston is provincial

And they say Boston is provincial

Of course we’re talking about Saugus.

How can one not think of the Wampanoag word for “Great” or “Extended” when one mentions the Olympics? The thing goes on forever and ⅔ of it is completely inscrutable. Racewalking and solo synchronized swimming are actually Olympic sports, so Saugus is just weird enough to be a fantastic host for some of the more “out there” events.

Here are just a few we hope to see when the games cross the Tobin, get stuck for an hour on the hill up to Kappys, and break out into the city of (neon) lights.


Official team vehicle (TM)

Official team vehicle (TM)

If the games are coming to Mass, there has to be street hockey. How could we not have street hockey? I guess we could play it up in that hockey rink they have on the hill there, but really it should be back on some of those oddball side streets where there is like one house still facing Route 1.

Mini Golf

I'm seeing mascot potential here!

I’m seeing mascot potential here!

How is this already not an official olympic sport? By 2024 there are going to be very few Americans who can walk a whole mile without a sit-down meal halfway though – this is just the natural progression. Speaking of out of shape “athletes”, it’s also good to know there are batting cages where the Olympic baseball team can get take a few swings before they get some fried dough. Also the arcade has Galaga.

Pole Dancing


A fella can really get a Saugus in there

The Golden Banana, further up the Pike (it was once called that, shut up) offers a terrific venue for those sports where attractive, smiling people in leotards prance around. They have a stage, lighting, a sound system, intimate seating, a bar, dressing rooms, a back room with private washrooms…. We have heard.

Whatever we can think of to do at the Hill Top.

Maybe they could rename it "Dodgeball City"

Maybe they could rename it “Dodgeball City”

Competitive eating? Mechanical bull riding? A boxing match spurned on when one of the competitors backs into another’s Grand Marquis? No matter what event, even table tennis will be greatly enhanced by being held in a room called “Sioux City.”


How is it possible a supercriminal has not made this place his lair yet?

We’re amazed a supercriminal has not made this place his lair yet?

This, we’re predicting will be the signature event of the 2024 games. And no better place to hold it but Weylus! Can you imagine the pageantry? The sizzle? The dazzle? The zazzle, even? Yes, sure, some of those waterfalls have now begun to pump pure algae and the black mold spores in the carpets regularly kick anthrax spores’ weird little spore asses when spores get together at spore things, but still- it will be amazing. And we should end the whole event with a signature Saugus-only closing ceremony where we demolish the entire Saugus Olympic village and put in a Kohl’s.

Try and top that, Munich!

Josh Turiel Reports Live from 2024

[Keeping with Olympic Week here at the Clam, today’s Guest Blogger is Salem City Councilor Josh Turiel]

In hindsight, sure it seemed like a really good idea to hold the sailing events in Marblehead. After all, some of America’s most famed regattas are held each year in these waters. But we probably should have thought harder about the scalability of the Marblehead Harbor area and the fact that THERE’S NOPLACE AT ALL TO PARK AND THE ONLY WAY TO WATCH THE BOATS IS FROM YOUR OWN BOAT.

I mean, how were we to know that the Wicked Tuna cast, with no fish left in the ocean to catch, would instead try and operate booze cruises for would-be spectators? Who’d have expected the Hard Merchandise to sink AGAIN, but this time in the middle of the course? Shouldn’t wreck avoidance be a skill you need to display, anyhow? Nobody really anticipated this happening.

And it’s really not anyone’s fault that the sewage line between Marblehead and Salem never quite got repaired right. It’s just too bad that the crew of the winning Laser Radial class yacht had to get tetanus shots after their victory leaps into the ocean. But hey, all the people watching that finish from Salem’s Winter Island and Hawthorne Cove Marina really enjoyed the spectacle. None of us thought a person could jump out of the ocean like a porpoise, but they proved us wrong.

Some things went very smoothly, though. It was really great that the folks up in Gloucester were willing to postpone Fiesta in order to sync up with the Olympics. Not only were we able to use the Greasy Pole as a very convenient landmark for the longest open water sailing events (giving us a reason to get some of the traffic out of Marblehead Harbor), but including Drunken 2AM Combat as an exhibition sport gave us not only our first local gold medal won by Shaw’s bagger and deckhand Justin Vergapalooza, Jr. – and I think it was the first step towards bringing MMA to the Olympics down the road. At the same time, perhaps Skee-Ball has a future in 2028?

In the end, though, the most amazing thing about the Olympic yachting events was that they were able to hold them at all. Given our roads and cabling infrastructure, most of us were sure that the boats would all get stuck by the time they were hauled off the Lynnway. Kudos to event planners for spending the $1.3 billion to bury the utility wires in Swampscott and Marblehead. We never would have gotten there without your sacrifice.

And it was fortunate that only a handful of sailors were stranded on Tinkers Island. Those tide charts can be finicky. Good thing there weren’t more strandings – the island has no plumbing.

Clam Olympics Week: Opening Ceremony!

Since we’re dedicating this week as Olympics Week after the news that Boston has been chosen as America’s Olympic bid for Summer 2024, let’s talk about one of the coolest things about the Olympics: The Opening Ceremony. It’s a hella expensive ($100 million for Beijing in 2008), over-the top, bombastic event. So of course, Boston would have to go all-out for it, because we are wicked fahkin’ good at over-the-top, guy.  Here’s some ideas for the perfect Boston 2024 Opening Ceremony:

– A ramp is built into the temporary stadium so a Green Line car can jump a line of duckboats, go through a ring of fire, and land in the middle of the stadium. Unfortunately, it stops for sixty seconds at the bottom of the ramp due to signaling issues and a possible track fire at Copley.

– Matt Damon will star as Paul Revere, with Ben Affleck as his horse, in a dramatic live re-enactment of his Midnight Ride while “More than a Feeling” is played by the Boston Symphony Orchestra.

– There will be a 5-minute long video tribute to Mr. Butch.

– A portion of the artistic program will be dance troupes doing a synchronized jaywalking routine across a scale copy of Commonwealth Ave at BU, while cars approach at breakneck speed. (Memo: see if insurance rider covers this kind of thing). It will be set to a Mighty Mighty Bosstones song. One of the good ones.

– There will be a segment dedicated to Boston’s local fixtures, who will appear live . For instance, that guy that hands out pamphlets about burning in hell, the kid who claims he needs to get to detox in Worcester one day, then claims he has to go visit his aunt in Fitchburg the next, and Keytar Bear.

I had to convince Jim that Keytar Bear was a real thing.

I had to convince Jim that Keytar Bear was a real thing.

– A ballet recreation of the 1994 Green Day Riot.

– Marky Mark. He doesn’t really have to do anything, just show up and maybe throw cheeseburgers into the crowd and try not to beat anybody.

–  Neil Diamond shows up late to play Sweet Caroline because someone moved the lawn chair he had reserving his spot on W. Broadway.

– You have to check the back of the Phoenix or call Mission Control to get the info on the afterparty.





The Gloucester Clam Presents: OLYMPIC WEEK!

Aloha, worldwide Clampetitors! Are you totes stoked for 2024, the year the Summer Olympics come to our fair city of Boston? Well you should be, because if current trends hold two things are guaranteed: Increasing polar ice melt will place much of the city known as “The Hub” under six feet of water, submerging the proposed Olympic stadium location as well as the majority of the transportation infrastructure; and, as local media outlets continue to fail at an increasing rate, the highly-profitable* Gloucester Clam stands to clean up on lucrative event coverage contracts!

Fun times all around!

We here in Clammedia Tower try and take the long view on things, remembering that nine years is a long time. A lot will have changed in nearly a decade. For instance, Steven Tyler will finally be able to sing the National Anthem as a well-dressed, elderly Italian lady, as his slow transformation will be fully complete by then.

Let's face it, he's pretty close.

Let’s face it, he’s pretty close.

Having the Olympics in Boston is a stellar plan that can really help us get our city on the map. I mean, who the hell is ever visiting Boston? No one, that’s who. Since we have so few important historic places or any notable hospitals, museums, or institutions of higher education, we could really use a boost in tourism from people across the globe who watch us on TV for a few weeks and then forget we exist. Stop whining, haters like No Boston Olympics, who keep bringing up stuff like “we will lose money” and “it will be a nightmare.”

First of all, we get a probably temporary stadium that will seat 60,000 obese Americans in the bowels of Southie. This is a great idea! World-class athletes can walk around and take in the character of South Boston. I mean, hopefully most of the summer Olympians are white and straight. Right? I’m sure it will be super easy to take apart afterwards and cause little to no disruption. Trust me, I watch Bob the Builder, I know thing or two. For instance, can we build it? Yes we can.

Can you imagine the Torch relay winding through Southie? It’ll be like St. Patrick’s day mashed up with the Marathon. On live TV at the Opening Ceremony, some 22 year old named Brandon will stumble into the middle of the street and vomit Bud Light.

Or this. Or this could happen.

Or this. Or this could happen.

Which brings us to our next point: THE MASCOT POSSIBILITIES. You’re damn right the Olympics have mascots. For instance, Sydney had Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat. Boston’s mascot should represent our deep-rooted traditions and history. Our marketing forces here at the Clam have come up with the perfect mascot to represent our people in 2024.


Joseph “Sully”Sullivan, Age 23.

Sully’s what we’re all about. He’s the everyman in mascot form. He’s an international finance major who can shotgun a tallboy of High Life and also explain in great detail how Claude Julien’s coaching system is still working. He’s been arrested a couple times for disorderly conduct, and he once peed onto the Pike from the Mass Ave overpass, but he’s not a bad dude. He likes Jay-Z and the Rolling Stones. His hobbies are golfing, going to the Cask N’ Flagon, and doing burnouts in his WRX. He’s been to two Eagles concerts and Ultra in Miami.

The captions write themselves.

The captions write themselves.

There’s no more relatable character that can tie into in our rich history of boating and Irish roots than Sully. He’s the perfect mascot. And best of all, Sully can be easily talked into performing at the opening ceremonies for a pony keg of Natty Ice and a portable Weber grill. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

Stay tuned – the Clam’s got more Boston 2024 coverage coming up tomorrow, with our suggestions for new summer Olympic sports based on our local pastimes. And maybe we’ll check in on Sully.


[Thanks to my brother, Joe, for letting me make fun of his bro-likeness]