Since we’re dedicating this week as Olympics Week after the news that Boston has been chosen as America’s Olympic bid for Summer 2024, let’s talk about one of the coolest things about the Olympics: The Opening Ceremony. It’s a hella expensive ($100 million for Beijing in 2008), over-the top, bombastic event. So of course, Boston would have to go all-out for it, because we are wicked fahkin’ good at over-the-top, guy. Here’s some ideas for the perfect Boston 2024 Opening Ceremony:
– A ramp is built into the temporary stadium so a Green Line car can jump a line of duckboats, go through a ring of fire, and land in the middle of the stadium. Unfortunately, it stops for sixty seconds at the bottom of the ramp due to signaling issues and a possible track fire at Copley.
– Matt Damon will star as Paul Revere, with Ben Affleck as his horse, in a dramatic live re-enactment of his Midnight Ride while “More than a Feeling” is played by the Boston Symphony Orchestra.
– There will be a 5-minute long video tribute to Mr. Butch.
– A portion of the artistic program will be dance troupes doing a synchronized jaywalking routine across a scale copy of Commonwealth Ave at BU, while cars approach at breakneck speed. (Memo: see if insurance rider covers this kind of thing). It will be set to a Mighty Mighty Bosstones song. One of the good ones.
– There will be a segment dedicated to Boston’s local fixtures, who will appear live . For instance, that guy that hands out pamphlets about burning in hell, the kid who claims he needs to get to detox in Worcester one day, then claims he has to go visit his aunt in Fitchburg the next, and Keytar Bear.
– A ballet recreation of the 1994 Green Day Riot.
– Marky Mark. He doesn’t really have to do anything, just show up and maybe throw cheeseburgers into the crowd and try not to beat anybody.
– Neil Diamond shows up late to play Sweet Caroline because someone moved the lawn chair he had reserving his spot on W. Broadway.
– You have to check the back of the Phoenix or call Mission Control to get the info on the afterparty.