The Gloucester Clam Presents: OLYMPIC WEEK!

Aloha, worldwide Clampetitors! Are you totes stoked for 2024, the year the Summer Olympics come to our fair city of Boston? Well you should be, because if current trends hold two things are guaranteed: Increasing polar ice melt will place much of the city known as “The Hub” under six feet of water, submerging the proposed Olympic stadium location as well as the majority of the transportation infrastructure; and, as local media outlets continue to fail at an increasing rate, the highly-profitable* Gloucester Clam stands to clean up on lucrative event coverage contracts!

Fun times all around!

We here in Clammedia Tower try and take the long view on things, remembering that nine years is a long time. A lot will have changed in nearly a decade. For instance, Steven Tyler will finally be able to sing the National Anthem as a well-dressed, elderly Italian lady, as his slow transformation will be fully complete by then.

Let’s face it, he’s pretty close.

Having the Olympics in Boston is a stellar plan that can really help us get our city on the map. I mean, who the hell is ever visiting Boston? No one, that’s who. Since we have so few important historic places or any notable hospitals, museums, or institutions of higher education, we could really use a boost in tourism from people across the globe who watch us on TV for a few weeks and then forget we exist. Stop whining, haters like No Boston Olympics, who keep bringing up stuff like “we will lose money” and “it will be a nightmare.”

First of all, we get a probably temporary stadium that will seat 60,000 obese Americans in the bowels of Southie. This is a great idea! World-class athletes can walk around and take in the character of South Boston. I mean, hopefully most of the summer Olympians are white and straight. Right? I’m sure it will be super easy to take apart afterwards and cause little to no disruption. Trust me, I watch Bob the Builder, I know thing or two. For instance, can we build it? Yes we can.

Can you imagine the Torch relay winding through Southie? It’ll be like St. Patrick’s day mashed up with the Marathon. On live TV at the Opening Ceremony, some 22 year old named Brandon will stumble into the middle of the street and vomit Bud Light.

Or this. Or this could happen.

Which brings us to our next point: THE MASCOT POSSIBILITIES. You’re damn right the Olympics have mascots. For instance, Sydney had Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat. Boston’s mascot should represent our deep-rooted traditions and history. Our marketing forces here at the Clam have come up with the perfect mascot to represent our people in 2024.

Joseph “Sully”Sullivan, Age 23.

Sully’s what we’re all about. He’s the everyman in mascot form. He’s an international finance major who can shotgun a tallboy of High Life and also explain in great detail how Claude Julien’s coaching system is still working. He’s been arrested a couple times for disorderly conduct, and he once peed onto the Pike from the Mass Ave overpass, but he’s not a bad dude. He likes Jay-Z and the Rolling Stones. His hobbies are golfing, going to the Cask N’ Flagon, and doing burnouts in his WRX. He’s been to two Eagles concerts and Ultra in Miami.

The captions write themselves.

There’s no more relatable character that can tie into in our rich history of boating and Irish roots than Sully. He’s the perfect mascot. And best of all, Sully can be easily talked into performing at the opening ceremonies for a pony keg of Natty Ice and a portable Weber grill. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

Stay tuned – the Clam’s got more Boston 2024 coverage coming up tomorrow, with our suggestions for new summer Olympic sports based on our local pastimes. And maybe we’ll check in on Sully.

*(lies)

[Thanks to my brother, Joe, for letting me make fun of his bro-likeness]