When we here at The Clam hear the complaints that Boston is unsuitable as an Olympic host city because of simple issues like “capacity” or “infrastructure”, we are filled with rage. Actually, we are filled with rage a lot, it’s a side effect of the steroids we’re take in anticipation for the 2024 Games where we hope to compete in the co-ed “Mixed Drone Offensive Freestyle.” It’s an activity we presume will be added to the summer games within the next five years. It involves crossbows, bungee cords, and quadcopters with razor-sharp titanium rotors.
Also the stadium is on fire
But when we unclench our jaws long enough to speak, we tell the doubters and the haters they are thinking too small. That there is already a place just waiting for the kind of special attention and infrastructure improvements the games can bring. And an internationally-themed Olympic headquarters sitting empty, begging for glorious purpose.
And they say Boston is provincial
Of course we’re talking about Saugus.
How can one not think of the Wampanoag word for “Great” or “Extended” when one mentions the Olympics? The thing goes on forever and ⅔ of it is completely inscrutable. Racewalking and solo synchronized swimming are actually Olympic sports, so Saugus is just weird enough to be a fantastic host for some of the more “out there” events.
Here are just a few we hope to see when the games cross the Tobin, get stuck for an hour on the hill up to Kappys, and break out into the city of (neon) lights.
Rollerhockey
Official team vehicle (TM)
If the games are coming to Mass, there has to be street hockey. How could we not have street hockey? I guess we could play it up in that hockey rink they have on the hill there, but really it should be back on some of those oddball side streets where there is like one house still facing Route 1.
Mini Golf
I’m seeing mascot potential here!
How is this already not an official olympic sport? By 2024 there are going to be very few Americans who can walk a whole mile without a sit-down meal halfway though – this is just the natural progression. Speaking of out of shape “athletes”, it’s also good to know there are batting cages where the Olympic baseball team can get take a few swings before they get some fried dough. Also the arcade has Galaga.
Pole Dancing
A fella can really get a Saugus in there
The Golden Banana, further up the Pike (it was once called that, shut up) offers a terrific venue for those sports where attractive, smiling people in leotards prance around. They have a stage, lighting, a sound system, intimate seating, a bar, dressing rooms, a back room with private washrooms…. We have heard.
Whatever we can think of to do at the Hill Top.
Maybe they could rename it “Dodgeball City”
Competitive eating? Mechanical bull riding? A boxing match spurned on when one of the competitors backs into another’s Grand Marquis? No matter what event, even table tennis will be greatly enhanced by being held in a room called “Sioux City.”
Karaoke
We’re amazed a supercriminal has not made this place his lair yet?
This, we’re predicting will be the signature event of the 2024 games. And no better place to hold it but Weylus! Can you imagine the pageantry? The sizzle? The dazzle? The zazzle, even? Yes, sure, some of those waterfalls have now begun to pump pure algae and the black mold spores in the carpets regularly kick anthrax spores’ weird little spore asses when spores get together at spore things, but still- it will be amazing. And we should end the whole event with a signature Saugus-only closing ceremony where we demolish the entire Saugus Olympic village and put in a Kohl’s.
Try and top that, Munich!