Alright, so this “Olympics” thing ain’t quite a done deal. The US bid has to compete with international bids like Rome and Berlin. We could miss our one shot at cleaning up the raging dumpster fire known as Chelsea.
If we, Boston and the surrounding area, don’t end up winning the eventual 2024 Summer Olympiad, don’t freak out – we can just have our own Boston Area Olympic Games. It’ll be a lot less hassle and traffic and it’ll be way more fun to watch.
For instance, let’s take New Hampshire. What, for instance, could New Hampshire offer for cheap knock-off homegrown Olympic games?
– Olympic Jetskiing. Listen, we already went over this – You don’t have to be in peak physical condition to be an Olympic racewalker or ping-pong player. So why limit our own Olympics to endurance-pushing physical feats like marathon running and gymnastics? Any bro fresh out of college can have a friend hold their beer and do a sick 1/4 mile Jetski dash across Lake Winnipesaukee, and that’s what the games should be about. LIVE FREE OR DIE.
– Olympic Accidentally Leaving Your Firearm Atop Your Squad Car And Not Noticing All Day. The Summer Olympics already have sharpshooting, we need some not-so-sharp shooting. I think we can pull it off. Alternately, New Hampshire can offer the traditional “500m Run For Help After Accidentally Shooting Your Cousin In The Foot At A Sketchy Hunting Cabin” sponsored by Papa Johns.
But beyond New Hampshire, what of Vermont? Its more laid back and hippie neighbor also has a lot to add as far as new Olympic sport contenders.
– Olympic Cheesemaking. Seriously, you want to get people watching the Olympics? That’s what gets people to watch the Olympics – some hipster named Dan with a stupid moustache making fresh mozzarella as fast as possible. There is both a solo and team cheesemonger’s race.
– Olympic Subaru SnowCross. This kind of already exists in a way, but usually it’s the Kids These Days in their souped-up Imprezas and shit. Hell no. I want a 1994 Subaru Outback Wagon with a “Coexist” bumper sticker on the back and organic carrot juice spilled on the back seats racing against a 1987 Baja with no bumpers or side window that only has farm plates. And there should be some jumps. Hell, race them down a sledding hill.
I know Jim talked about how Saugus can provide much of our Olympic infrastructure, but we can also take a look around at other Massachusetts cities and towns for ideas.
– Somerville can provide us with Olympic Tallcycling, what with the SCUL bike gang and all. Regular sprints inside a velodrome with $20k 8-lb track bikes? Boring as hell, son. Give me a manboy in a denim jacket teetering on something that looks like it was built at Burning Man by a person with entirely too much sand in their asscrack, and I’ll show you a ratings bonanza. The dismount at the end is an extra ten points if they can stick the landing while holding onto a tallboy of Rolling Rock. Points are deducted for spilling the Rolling Rock or breaking their stupid sunglasses.
– Allston’s premier sport, the Walk of Shame, is also a top contender for inclusion into the 2024 games. While historically this has been a female-dominated sport, in recent years there has been a strong showing by male athletes as well. At 8 AM Saturday, the Walk begins at the corner of Harvard and Brighton avenues, winding its way toward the BU Central campus. It is a sport steeped in tradition – participants must be wearing one 5′ high heel, a sequined skirt, and a men’s large shirt reading “SUNS OUT GUNS OUT.”
“Wait, KT – you forgot to mention Connecticut, Maine, and Rhode Island, what are you, lazy and tired of writing?” No. You know what? No (and yes). No one likes Connecticut. No one. It’s basically New York City’s rich people who desire and can obtain garages and a yard. And Rhode Island can really only complete in Olympic-level Irrelevance or possibly I95 Curve Slalom. Maine? Yeah, we like Maine, but fuck it. Get your shit together, Maine. Take a shower and call us back in ten years and we’ll talk.