Although my allegiance lies deeply rooted in Gloucester, it’s necessary to branch out once in awhile and see what some of the other nearby cities are up to. Apparently other cities do cool shit, too (occasionally). Our friend and occasional Clamtributor Josh Turiel, after all, is city councilor down in Salem and is always trying to convince us of its superiority. Do they have a dumpling place and the Greasy Pole? No? Not interested, sir.
But! Today on The Facebooks (TM), I was alerted to the existence of an event so great, so magnificent and brilliant an idea that drool immediately formed in the corners of my mouth and I became Homer-esque in my desire.
Please don’t sue, Matt Groening.
There it was: The Great Salem Mayonnaise Challenge of 2015. Holy crap. That sounds like a party. I mean, okay, at first I will admit I thought it was perhaps one of those challenge diets where you only eat things served in 16 ounce jars and labeled “refrigerate after opening” (my favorite of those being the Grape Jelly challenge). But, no, it’s not that at all (and apparently that’s not a real thing and I just ate a lot of jelly for no reason). Boo hiss.
What it is – a blind taste test featuring the top jarred mayonnaise brands (Cain’s, Hellman’s, Whole Foods) as well as the Ugly Mug‘s homemade and possibly other fresh-made options as well. It’s going on down next Wednesday, January 28th at 6:30 PM at the Ugly Mug diner, which is a fun place to eat and despite our great breakfast joints in G-town, I wish they’d put one up here as well. Maybe just nuke Friendly’s from orbit and take that space. Sorry, Friendly’s.
internet, what are you even giving me here
Judges will taste the mayonnaise plain (yum, what’s better than a big heaping spoonful of nothin’ but emulsion?), on bread, and on bread with meat/cheese (formerly known as “a sandwich”). No lying, I’d totally judge this. I love mayonnaise. I fucking LOOOOVE mayonnaise. LOVE IT. I hope half of you reading this are trying not to vomit silently into your office trash barrel so no one knows you’re goofing off during a conference call. That’s what you get. I love it smeared on Steak and Cheese subs until everything is a disgusting shade of grey. Cheeseburgers. Potato salad. GOD YES, PASTA SALAD. I don’t want to live in a world without mayonnaise. (My husband grew up in a household where it was smeared on microwaved chicken and jello salad, the poor boy. I have my limit).
I feel those feels, copy machine!
“But KT,” you say, “this is child’s play. Frippery at best. There are so many serious problems in the world, why are you wasting your precious journalism talents on this? It’s mayonnaise!” Oh, but you’d be wrong. I reached out to Josh Turiel, who explained how important this quest was.
“I’m glad that here in Salem we can conclusively deal with serious questions like this one. Finding the best mayo is the kind of thing that we need to do here before we can move on to bring peace and prosperity to the world.”
See? This is a necessary endeavor for the Ugly Mug and the Salem Food Digest to undertake in the road towards ceasing man’s unrelenting bloodthirst towards his own species, and we must support them.
I’m totally going, especially if I can eat mayonnaise in front of people (somehow there’s probably a rule 34 involving public consumption of plain mayo). Hell yeah.