Weirdest Things People Googled To Get To Our Website, Volume 1


And I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.

Like any good nerds, we sometimes take a look at our analytics to see what keywords people are using to get to our website. And for the first six months of the Clam’s existence, someone, somewhere, has googled the following keywords to get to us. Yeah. I don’t even know.

“custom zombie superman”

“enduring Gloucester”

“clam hummer”

“where to live in gloucester virginia with no snakes”


“we talk about ourselves all the time”

“fucking turnament”

“market basket stripper”

“i am in the midst of strangers”

“18 years and all i got is this fucking shirt”

“photo of 73 to 77 chevy camaro”

“who is kt toomey” (Kinda creepy unless I did it while drunk.)

“who is kt toomey ‘the clam'” (FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK STAAAHP)

“thresher sharks the veal chop of the sea”

“unrepentant hipster”

” ‘chester h. grant’ “

“getting f****ed on afish boat” (I am worried for this person.)

“girls who f**k for money in gloucester” (WHAT.)

“electric chair”

“picture of grandma smoking at casino”

“how to get a drone out of a tree”

“bloggers my kin folks and their house cater ruin my thanksgiving”

“tumblr wet clam”

“maslow’s hierarchy of turkey”

“i have no pumpkin spices..what to do?”

“shitting” (3 results i’m seriously serious.)

“she’s shitting pants” (is it sung to the tune of “She’s Leaving Home?)

“shitting her jeans” (WHY IS THIS HAPPENING)

 So there you go. Ta-da. I think after compiling this list, it really leaves me with more questions than answers. Like, what the fuck is up with shitting? And Tumblr Wet Clam.

You know what? Nevermind on getting the answers. I’m good.

The Gloucester Clam’s Definitive Gift Guide For the Holidays – Part 2

If you enjoyed our first installment of our Holiday Gift Guide, we’re back today with a second helping. Let the Gloucester Clam escort you through the confusing world of retail shopping with the following great gift ideas. From family to friends, coworkers, or that guy that kind of nods off on your front steps every now and again, the Clam’s got you covered with items that will wow you at any price point.


The Four Device Charging Paper Towel Holder




Are you in the market for a gift for a family of four who wants to charge their phones together in an awkward pile in the kitchen? If so, look no further than Hammacher Schlemmer’s Four Device Charging Paper Towel holder. Made of equal parts frustrating and useless, it also comes with a decorative wine stopper for some reason. I’ve been saying for years that the best place for all your expensive electronics is directly underneath where your hands go when they need to be dried, and finally Hammacher Schlemmer listened! It has a weighted, non-slip rubber bottom (don’t we all). $49.95.

Desktop Drumset




For the coworker that isn’t irritating enough, why not give the gift of the Desktop Drumset? Let’s face it: nobody likes a silent, productive workplace, no matter what they or HR say about it. Now you can send everyone in Accounting straight to the migraine zone with this 7-piece set that includes 6″ center tom-tom, two 4-1/2″ tom-toms, crash cymbal, drum stand and a pair of drum sticks. It looks like it was made for Ringo Starr on Shining Time Station. Hold me closer, tiny drumset!  This totally worthwhile use of your money is a mere $12.98.

NFL Player Blanket




Sweet Christ Almighty Hallelujah, let’s all celebrate our social acceptance of domestic violence and debilitating head injuries with this classy NFL “blanket” from Harriett Carter (where else), where they boast, “slip it on and look like a gridiron star as the cozy fleece covers you from shoulders to toes. Lets you move freely to stretch, cheer or go grab snacks!” This gift is great for the sports fan for whom snack-grabbing is the most physically challenging part of the day. Remind them to stretch first.

I was under the impression the Snuggie was terrifying enough in and of itself, but the knockoff Snuggie offerings are even worse.  Plus I’m pretty sure the model for the above NFL Player Blanket is on a non-minimal amount of horse tranquilizers. Anyway, if you’re questioning why this item is a must-have, look no further than helpful reviewer “Louelliss”, who writes “I sleep on a recliner instead of using a bed, and this blanket pretty much guarantees it won’t go sliding off during the night.”  The struggle is real. You show gravity who’s boss, Louelliss! Only $21.98. Choice of 10 barely decent teams.

Garden Hands




Behold the magic that is Garden Hands. If you would like to inflict on someone the agony of repeatedly bending over awkwardly and wrenching their back, this is the perfect gift for whatever hell-person you’re buying it for. Stupid, useless “rakes” are a thing of the past when you can use gigantic freakin’ garden hands to pick up all your leaves like some kind of inhuman monster (or Buster Bluth). Garden Hands are also useful for chasing panicked, screaming children while laughing and waving maniacally, or picking up dog poop and slinging it effortlessly at passing cars like a game of feces Jai Alai. Also useful if you’re up a creek with no paddle. It is not possible to eat while wearing Garden Hands. Curse you, Garden Hands. Made of durable, rinse-clean plastic. $14.98.

High Waist Control Boxers



Ladies, let’s face it – we aren’t the only ones whose bodies changed after the kids came, so why are we the only ones with control tops? Why not say “dude you’ve let yourself go” this holiday season with Skymall’s High Waist Control Boxer Briefs for men? These fast-drying microfiber wondershorts give ab definition without all that difficult and time-consuming exercise or having to put down the Doritos. It has a supportive pouch that lifts and protects the delicate manparts that probably need all the lifting and protecting they can get at this point. It’s “all you need during workouts.” To hell with pants or a shirt, the gym bunnies will come a runnin’ when your gift recipient crawls sweating profusely off the elliptical machine in this ensemble. It is a known fact no one who needs this item looks anything like the above model. $37, comes in black or white.

Stay tuned next week for a third edition of our Gift Guide for the affluent gift giver.

The Gloucester Clam’s Definitive Gift Guide for the Holidays – Part 1

Don’t know what to get for that special someone? Shopping for the Holiday season is tough! Not as tough as like, crop failure, or living in a place that lacks clean drinking water, but still – the struggle is real! Let the Gloucester Clam help you in your “finding the right gift” vision . We’ve teamed up with some of the leading retailers to bring you a smattering of quality gift options for everyone in your life.

Wood-Tone Power Strip




From the astute problem solvers over at Harriet Carter, we have this useful little minx of a gift right here. Wood tone power strips! Perfect for the person in your life who you don’t love and never will. “No more ugly, hard-to-hide surge protectors—this one is designed to stylishly ‘disappear’ into your wood grain flooring.” Who wants to see a power strip before they step on it? No one, that’s who. It comes in two stylish colors, Cherry and Dark Oak, and is a mere $17.98, which is about $10 more than a power strip you can actually see while you’re struggling to plug in all the stupid fucking entertainment center cables.

Selfie Stick



We all have this problem when visiting one of the Seven Wonders of the World – you can’t get your stupid grinning tourist face into the foreground! Now you have a great gift to give to friends or family with stupid grinning tourist faces – the Selfie Stick! The Selfie Stick is a fantastic gift item for the person in your life who has a complete disregard for their own dignity and self-respect.  The Selfie Stick extends from 8″ to 39″ and attaches to any smartphone or camera in an undignified manner. Made of stainless steel and durable ABS plastic with a sure-grip handle. $9.98. A bargain at twice the price.


Binocular Visor




What do you get for the creepy stalker who has everything? Why, the Binocular Visor, of course. The copy for this fanfuckingtastic gift states, “Why strap a pair of heavy binoculars around your neck?” (Yeah, like some kind of dick!) “Ingenious sun visor features binocular lenses built into the brim. No need to remove the visor to view; just pull down over your eyes for immediate 2.5X magnification! Perfect for sporting events, bird-watching, all kinds of outdoor activities!” All kinds like those exact two and barely those at that. What the fuck else would you use it for?

Oh, probably for scoping out ladies in yoga pants from across the park. Probably that.

This panty-dropping display of stunning male prowess features an adjustable head band and is made of durable plastic. It is also only $12.98.


Boozy Bass Bottle Holder



Do you have someone in your life you can’t stand, but have to buy a gift for? Stupid question, of course you do. Why not dazzle them with the whimsical Boozy Bass Bottle Holder from perennial favorite last-resort reading material Skymall? Apparently, fish can drink wine. I’d drink a whole bottle too if I was a species facing eventual extinction. This delightful object d’art is made of high quality polyresin, fits all standard wine bottles (not boxes, you classless mess), and features a velvet backing, whatever that is. It’s $32.99, which doesn’t even include a bottle of Trader Joe’s wine, for chrissakes.


Wooden Toaster Tongs




Our last gift idea of the day is great for the uncle that’s always involved in minor disasters involving electricity. For a gift that says “I don’t trust you to get through daily life without dying stupidly”, there’s the Vermont Country Store’s wooden toast tongs. If you’ve mashed your bread into your toaster with your meaty palms and can’t retrieve it, these toast tongs are perfect for fixing your awful mistakes. The best part is that it includes a magnet so it attaches to the sides of your probably-plastic-anyway toaster, so you don’t lose them. I mean, of course you’ll lose them behind the radiator at the first opportunity, but that’s really Uncle Todd’s problem. These beauties are $9.99.


Stay tuned for part 2 of our Holiday gift guide!



Humans of Gloucester




This lovely Human of Gloucester was working in Pleasant Street Coffee & Tea. She helped the (confused and bleary eyed at 8 am) author choose a morning drink. It was a perfect choice by the way, I recommend just going in and letting her choose for you. Spin the Roulette Wheel of caffeine and see where you land.

Clam: “What is a thing that you love about Gloucester?”

Human: “The Ocean, and the sense of community.”

Clam: “What do you think is a thing that Gloucester needs to improve?”

Human: “Oh my gosh….raise our taxes…and change the population around a little.”

Clam “Tell me a little something about yourself?”

Human: “I’m just living the life. Raising my kids, trying to find some fun time in the world”

We all are, lovely human.

(Thanks Alison Varga!)

I Finally Turned On The Heat

[Today’s guest post is brought to you by Clamtributor Jeremy McKeen of Nerdy Dad Shirt.]




Screen Shot 2014-11-26 at 4.41.57 PMI did it. I finally turned the heat on. I had to – you know, the kids. The Puritanical/woodsman/hermit germs inside my DNA protested most of the way, but in the end, logic prevailed (as did icy bones) and I bowed out of the great invisible race to be the most frugal, unflappable, and hardy New Englander we all hope to be.

You know what I’m talking about – that strange, paradoxical pride that has haunted Gloucester and New England since our ancestors first regretted crossing the land bridge millennia ago: the specter of our collective hubris resulting in a sort-of seasonal affective pride disorder  – that is, the stoic, unflinching, prideful miserly attitude we wear when it comes to “turning on the heat” at the joyous applause of our blue-faced spouses and children.Screen Shot 2014-11-26 at 4.35.06 PM

Winter, damn it. We’re from Gloucester, so bring it on. We’ll out-freeze any hermit from Maine (or wherever else they have snow) before we do anything weak or luxurious as starting to burn oil, gas, or wood. Come late November,  most of us will be essentially paying a second rent to the heating companies until March or, for the hardier stoics among us, from early December until late late February.

So what constitutes “turning the heat on” to these cold warriors? Any one of these qualifiers will knock you out of the competition (while you’re crying on the inside about how much keeping the house at 56 degrees will cost you over the next year of monthly installments):

1. Just so there’s no confusion about turning on the heat, YOU TURNED ON THE HEAT if you:

– turned on the heat

-turned on a space heater (or two or three)

– made a fire in the stove (or kept the oven on for an extra hour after using it for cooking)

– made a fire in the pellet stove

– turned on the heat just above the temperature outside

– turned on the heat

These all count, so no cheating. If you’re in it to win it, put on a second hat or a third pair of thermal longies.

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2. You are not a morally superior person if you wait to turn the heat on. However, here is the spectrum:

Late October Freshmen Townies: if you even think about having a conversation with your roommate or spouse about turning the heat on, or even complain about the cold before November first, there is a palpable shame felt throughout Fishtown. However, if your bones are brittle, you have young ones at home, or you’re simply a weak individual, then we understand. Sweatshirts, hats, insulation, and heavy socks are just not good enough for you. Grow a pair. (Of thermal socks).

First (through third) frosty fishtownies: this is most of us even though we won’t admit it, putting the heat on somewhere between November first and that night when you just need to put the heat on (if it’s November, the heat will be on). It will be too cold for these people to spend any more time outside cleaning up the beach toys and chairs (these can all be bought again next year); they will have just enough energy to clear off the radiators of clothes and books before huddling down on the couch for the winter.

Fourth or fifth-frost frugalistas: you’ve made it to the point where most sane people put the heat on, at least one cold night when it dips down below freezing. But most of us are still wearing windbreakers in 40 degree weather. You know that, right?

Still Frozen around the time of the Town Tree Lighting: you still have the AC in and the windows are cracked just a little; by the time the sun goes down at 4:30 during these days, the air taunts your blood to stop moving so fast (and the walk from the Fisherman statue into town after the annual parade and Tree lighting is physically painful, although you’re already wearing a peacoat and scarf). However, this Chilly Willy isn’t about to break.

– Only Cold By Christmas-Level-Stoic: This hardy Gloucesterite turns on the heat on Christmas Eve, just in time for Santa to forego the chimney and leave the presents outside by the woodpile. Somehow this person will outlive us all or be found, frozen

Those waiting for the “Insulated Igloo” Effect : an urban myth, this person goes from first frost to Valentine’s Day without heat – not even a little for those pipes to not freeze and burst. This must be a legend passed down through the years about a landlord who just got in from Florida to turn on the heat in the summer rental/winter home, or a Batman villain come to life here on Cape Ann. But once we get those thirty-eight inches of snow, your house will be insulated somewhat by the snow itself. It’s science.

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3. So we’re all competing in this yearly unspoken competition. Here’s the correct formula to figure out when you should feel shame for doing the unspeakable and turning over your clams to the whale blubber and oil industrial complex:

– If this were an actual competition (and it is in the minds of millions), everyone has to hold out until at least November 1 unless you’re from a warmer climate that biologically makes it unbearable for you – or you’re from a colder climate that gives you a biological advantage. If you’re not from Gloucester, then you must be from New England or a comparable climate. Adjust for variables one week. We’re on the honor system here.

– Apartment vs. house: knowing how heat travels, if you live in an apartment above people, then subtract a week for every floor above the first floor you’re on. If you live above a pizzeria or restaurant kitchen, subtract three weeks and give the Clam writers a sweet deal on treats. If you live in a house, then good luck heating that thing (no subtractions for you).

– Big people vs. little people: all things being fair, bigger people are warmer, so for every grown person in the house over one person, subtract three days. For every child, add three days, and for every newborn-through-toddler, add ten days. Old people are always cold, so no extra days for them. If you’re co-sleeping with your entire family in a Medieval hut while gathered around a camp fire, you win.

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4. Solutions for a warmer home:

– Live underground, but like close to the Earth’s core, or wherever it’s warmest.

– Build a house around your house, and insulate the area between houses.

– Move out of Gloucester.  Anywhere south of New Jersey is warmer and more obnoxious most of the time.

– Start a pizzeria and live upstairs right above the ovens.

– Stay away from your home from breakfast until bedtime, and then when you arrive home from work, run inside straight to bed, wearing enough clothes or blankets to keep you warm. Shower at the Y or work. Winter is only a few months long.

– Co-sleep with your children. They are little heaters given to you by nature.

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5. Finally, the “winners” are…

– Anyone who rents a second floor apartment whose heat is included in the rent

– Anyone who lives above a year-round pizzeria (they have those in Gloucester right?)

– Anyone who lies about when they turned the heat on

– The oil and energy companies

May the heat index always be in your favor.