The Gloucester Clam’s Definitive Gift Guide For the Holidays – Part 2

If you enjoyed our first installment of our Holiday Gift Guide, we’re back today with a second helping. Let the Gloucester Clam escort you through the confusing world of retail shopping with the following great gift ideas. From family to friends, coworkers, or that guy that kind of nods off on your front steps every now and again, the Clam’s got you covered with items that will wow you at any price point.


The Four Device Charging Paper Towel Holder




Are you in the market for a gift for a family of four who wants to charge their phones together in an awkward pile in the kitchen? If so, look no further than Hammacher Schlemmer’s Four Device Charging Paper Towel holder. Made of equal parts frustrating and useless, it also comes with a decorative wine stopper for some reason. I’ve been saying for years that the best place for all your expensive electronics is directly underneath where your hands go when they need to be dried, and finally Hammacher Schlemmer listened! It has a weighted, non-slip rubber bottom (don’t we all). $49.95.

Desktop Drumset




For the coworker that isn’t irritating enough, why not give the gift of the Desktop Drumset? Let’s face it: nobody likes a silent, productive workplace, no matter what they or HR say about it. Now you can send everyone in Accounting straight to the migraine zone with this 7-piece set that includes 6″ center tom-tom, two 4-1/2″ tom-toms, crash cymbal, drum stand and a pair of drum sticks. It looks like it was made for Ringo Starr on Shining Time Station. Hold me closer, tiny drumset!  This totally worthwhile use of your money is a mere $12.98.

NFL Player Blanket




Sweet Christ Almighty Hallelujah, let’s all celebrate our social acceptance of domestic violence and debilitating head injuries with this classy NFL “blanket” from Harriett Carter (where else), where they boast, “slip it on and look like a gridiron star as the cozy fleece covers you from shoulders to toes. Lets you move freely to stretch, cheer or go grab snacks!” This gift is great for the sports fan for whom snack-grabbing is the most physically challenging part of the day. Remind them to stretch first.

I was under the impression the Snuggie was terrifying enough in and of itself, but the knockoff Snuggie offerings are even worse.  Plus I’m pretty sure the model for the above NFL Player Blanket is on a non-minimal amount of horse tranquilizers. Anyway, if you’re questioning why this item is a must-have, look no further than helpful reviewer “Louelliss”, who writes “I sleep on a recliner instead of using a bed, and this blanket pretty much guarantees it won’t go sliding off during the night.”  The struggle is real. You show gravity who’s boss, Louelliss! Only $21.98. Choice of 10 barely decent teams.

Garden Hands




Behold the magic that is Garden Hands. If you would like to inflict on someone the agony of repeatedly bending over awkwardly and wrenching their back, this is the perfect gift for whatever hell-person you’re buying it for. Stupid, useless “rakes” are a thing of the past when you can use gigantic freakin’ garden hands to pick up all your leaves like some kind of inhuman monster (or Buster Bluth). Garden Hands are also useful for chasing panicked, screaming children while laughing and waving maniacally, or picking up dog poop and slinging it effortlessly at passing cars like a game of feces Jai Alai. Also useful if you’re up a creek with no paddle. It is not possible to eat while wearing Garden Hands. Curse you, Garden Hands. Made of durable, rinse-clean plastic. $14.98.

High Waist Control Boxers



Ladies, let’s face it – we aren’t the only ones whose bodies changed after the kids came, so why are we the only ones with control tops? Why not say “dude you’ve let yourself go” this holiday season with Skymall’s High Waist Control Boxer Briefs for men? These fast-drying microfiber wondershorts give ab definition without all that difficult and time-consuming exercise or having to put down the Doritos. It has a supportive pouch that lifts and protects the delicate manparts that probably need all the lifting and protecting they can get at this point. It’s “all you need during workouts.” To hell with pants or a shirt, the gym bunnies will come a runnin’ when your gift recipient crawls sweating profusely off the elliptical machine in this ensemble. It is a known fact no one who needs this item looks anything like the above model. $37, comes in black or white.

Stay tuned next week for a third edition of our Gift Guide for the affluent gift giver.

The Gloucester Clam’s Definitive Gift Guide for the Holidays – Part 1

Don’t know what to get for that special someone? Shopping for the Holiday season is tough! Not as tough as like, crop failure, or living in a place that lacks clean drinking water, but still – the struggle is real! Let the Gloucester Clam help you in your “finding the right gift” vision . We’ve teamed up with some of the leading retailers to bring you a smattering of quality gift options for everyone in your life.

Wood-Tone Power Strip




From the astute problem solvers over at Harriet Carter, we have this useful little minx of a gift right here. Wood tone power strips! Perfect for the person in your life who you don’t love and never will. “No more ugly, hard-to-hide surge protectors—this one is designed to stylishly ‘disappear’ into your wood grain flooring.” Who wants to see a power strip before they step on it? No one, that’s who. It comes in two stylish colors, Cherry and Dark Oak, and is a mere $17.98, which is about $10 more than a power strip you can actually see while you’re struggling to plug in all the stupid fucking entertainment center cables.

Selfie Stick



We all have this problem when visiting one of the Seven Wonders of the World – you can’t get your stupid grinning tourist face into the foreground! Now you have a great gift to give to friends or family with stupid grinning tourist faces – the Selfie Stick! The Selfie Stick is a fantastic gift item for the person in your life who has a complete disregard for their own dignity and self-respect.  The Selfie Stick extends from 8″ to 39″ and attaches to any smartphone or camera in an undignified manner. Made of stainless steel and durable ABS plastic with a sure-grip handle. $9.98. A bargain at twice the price.


Binocular Visor




What do you get for the creepy stalker who has everything? Why, the Binocular Visor, of course. The copy for this fanfuckingtastic gift states, “Why strap a pair of heavy binoculars around your neck?” (Yeah, like some kind of dick!) “Ingenious sun visor features binocular lenses built into the brim. No need to remove the visor to view; just pull down over your eyes for immediate 2.5X magnification! Perfect for sporting events, bird-watching, all kinds of outdoor activities!” All kinds like those exact two and barely those at that. What the fuck else would you use it for?

Oh, probably for scoping out ladies in yoga pants from across the park. Probably that.

This panty-dropping display of stunning male prowess features an adjustable head band and is made of durable plastic. It is also only $12.98.


Boozy Bass Bottle Holder



Do you have someone in your life you can’t stand, but have to buy a gift for? Stupid question, of course you do. Why not dazzle them with the whimsical Boozy Bass Bottle Holder from perennial favorite last-resort reading material Skymall? Apparently, fish can drink wine. I’d drink a whole bottle too if I was a species facing eventual extinction. This delightful object d’art is made of high quality polyresin, fits all standard wine bottles (not boxes, you classless mess), and features a velvet backing, whatever that is. It’s $32.99, which doesn’t even include a bottle of Trader Joe’s wine, for chrissakes.


Wooden Toaster Tongs




Our last gift idea of the day is great for the uncle that’s always involved in minor disasters involving electricity. For a gift that says “I don’t trust you to get through daily life without dying stupidly”, there’s the Vermont Country Store’s wooden toast tongs. If you’ve mashed your bread into your toaster with your meaty palms and can’t retrieve it, these toast tongs are perfect for fixing your awful mistakes. The best part is that it includes a magnet so it attaches to the sides of your probably-plastic-anyway toaster, so you don’t lose them. I mean, of course you’ll lose them behind the radiator at the first opportunity, but that’s really Uncle Todd’s problem. These beauties are $9.99.


Stay tuned for part 2 of our Holiday gift guide!



Wicked Tuna Recap: The Season Finale, Finally.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s finally here. I have finally reached the last episode of Wicked Tuna and am here to recap it for you (my previous recaps are here). I mean, after this, I still have to do the North Vs. South which I’ve been seeing commercials for during things I actually enjoy watching, like Going Deep with David Rees. Spoiler alert: They still “really need this fish”.

We start off with a tranquil sunrise and Paul Hebert saying “It’s so free out here, living off the wilderness, you know?” No, I don’t. The wilderness? Like you can just set a rabbit trap and live off furs and shit in the winter like some Little House on the Prairie shit? I’m pretty sure you’re living off hot dogs and Budweiser.

He probably subsists mostly on folksy colloquialisms.

He probably subsists mostly on folksy colloquialisms.


The Sambvca (because why not name your boat after the grossest liquor ever) reels a fish, and they struggle with it and as the show goes to commercial, he yells “this fish will die tonight!” and then laughs in an oddly maniacal and yet manic fashion. I’m scared. Hold me, Clampadres.

So far I’ve seen like 3 slow motion seagulls this episode. They really saved up all their best slow-motion seagull footage for the finale. You can tell this is not made for an audience of seafaring folks, because most of us are not huge fans of seagulls. Listen, birds are beautiful, and I even like pigeons, but holy shit, seagulls are awful. I saw one take off with an entire bag of popcorn a few weeks ago at Plum Cove. They’ll shit on you with reckless abandon. They will congregate loudly outside your window when you’re on a fucking conference call. They’re the douchebags of the avian world.

We move on to some super contrived back and forth between Tyler from Stonerboat and TJ/TJ’s dad from Hot Tuna, where apparently Tyler had worked before. That makes sense. Anyway, it’s a magical thing. “ENJOY YA WINTAH!” “YOU’RE A LOSAH!” Pretty much everything that my neighbors yell into the street on a daily basis.

And 8:22 into it, back on the Sambvca, I hear my first “WE NEED THIS FISH!” I just chugged my beer. That’s the game. It has to be a game. Or I won’t make it through another 35 minutes. At 11:22, Paul’s long-suffering older brother says, again. “We need this fish.” About the same fish. Double chug my beer.

This fish is taking forever to catch, but they finally nail it, while poor Dave from the Hard Merchandise looks on, puffing on a cigarette and wearing the same hoodie he’s worn this entire season. This guy’s had a rough year, what with the boat sinking and me giving him a hard time for never being seen without a cigarette. I do hope ol’ smoky-lungs catches one this episode so he can snap out of his funk. Has this guy ever smiled? If I had the choice of a night out at the bar with Dave Marciano or a sack of overcooked rice pilaf, I think the rice might be a bit more lively and upbeat.

Cheer up! There's always cigarettes.

Cheer up! There’s always cigarettes.

The Sambvca gets $14k for that one fish they apparently really needed. I’m pretty sure everyone really needs that kinda money in this town, but hey, whatever.

Finally the Hard Merchandise gets a fish. One of the boat dudes is all “IT’S A WICKED SCREAMAH!” And I have to hold back from yelling “So’s your mom!” And then, two minutes later, “WE NEED THIS FISH!” I crack open another beer. This may be a long night.

And then, glory of all glories, a shirtless Paul Hebert appears in the background of a shot. Oh, my word. This is why I’m in this, folks, for gems like this.

The magic happened, folks.

The magic happened.

The Hard Merchandise explains that they “really need” the fish they end up catching. Twice. I am inebriated at this point.

There’s this super fast “who’s gonna catch the fish!” thing where the camera cuts between 4 boats in like 6 seconds. Some people catch the fish. They needed the fish!

But not the Pinwheel, they haven’t caught a fish. Tyler is sad. Here is Tyler. I like beer.

This is the face of a man out of snacks.

This is the face of a man out of snacks.

Of course, they catch a fish. So does The I swear, after this is over, I will hear “SANDRO! SANDRO NEUTRAAL!” in my nightmares for months.

I actually feel really bad for the Pinwheel at this point. Their line snaps, they are out of luck, and then everybody like calls them up and makes fun of them.

The show ends with some melodramatic TALKING FROM CAPTAINS about what this year meant to them, and then Tyler steams off down to the south to segue to the spinoff I now have to watch.

It’s been real this season. They’re filming the next season as we speak (literally, I can hear the helicopters ugh).

Tune in sometime soon for WICKED TUNA: NORTH VS SOUTH VS KT.





KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: The Mighty Bite

Oh lordy tuna, we’re back with another recap of everyone’s favorite show involving Gloucester. This week starts off with the DRAMATIC EXCLAMATION that there’s JUST TWO WEEKS LEFT so SHIT’S GONNA GET REEL, SON. See what I did there? A goddamn fishing pun. That’s how low I stooped just then.

The show flashes to a shot of the Hard Merchandise preparing for Operation Fish While Inhaling from a Marlboro Red, which includes using something called the Chum Cutter. Like a bagel slicer, but for stank fish.

There are no words for this invention.

There are no words for this invention.

Captain Marciano has also awoken me to the fact that apparently the plural of “bait” is actually “baits.” Who knew? Anywho, he’s all up early as shit to get more fishing in. I can’t even be bothered to get up before 6 to ride my bike this summer, so more power to the guy.  They end up hooking a fish, and Dave yells, “This could be what we’re waiting for!” A fish, yes, that’s what your job is, to catch them. I feel like he wakes up in the morning to a note next to his bed he wrote the night before that says “Dear Captain Marciano: Today you catch fish because that is your job. Your boat is at the Marina. The chum cutter is in the dishwasher. Smokes are in your Angelica Fisheries hoodie, like usual.”

The fish ends up being a shark (which is not actually a tuna, fair warning to those following along at home), and Dave smokes introspectively while lamenting his luck. I actually feel bad, since he’s had kind of a rough year since his fucking boat sank at the Marine Railways and that is always a week-ruiner.

Flick your cigarette, you're gonna burn your dang crotch!

Flick your cigarette, you’re gonna burn your dang crotch!


The Hot Tuna decides to go to Ipswich Bay because they’ve had luck there (also close proximity to JT Farnham’s, naturally. A man’s gotta eat). They get there and there’s like 50 other boats and they’re pissed. I didn’t even know tuna existed that close to here, so I have learned a thing. I thought Ipswich Bay was for lobsters and white tourists with boat shoes and sweaters tied around their necks.

It's like when everybody wears the same dress to a party.  A tuna party.

It’s like when everybody wears the same dress to a party. A tuna party.

AWW YISS Stonerboat is back! Our favorite blazed as a kite captain is sick and looks like death warmed over, but he knows he really biffed it this season so he wants to fish as much as he can to not lose quite as hard. I feel for the kid, being an outsider in Gloucester is tough, and he kinda was a bit of a douchebag which I’m sure didn’t help matters. His ragtag team of adorable, floppy haired frat brothers help him out with the beep-beep fish machine thing since he’s sick.

In a single two-second stretch, Tyler knocks over a nudie calendar that has to be blurred out, and then his boatmates are wandering around hands-deep in a box of Cheezits, with Bob Marley crap all over the walls. This is legit the best thing about this show.

Ruh-roh Shaggy! We're low on Scooby Snacks.

Ruh-roh Shaggy! We’re low on Scooby Snacks.

Anyway I’m not one to judge, since I literally have my hand in the exact same box of cheezits with the cartoon cheeses (cheezes?) drawn on the back of it. And then, nine minutes into the episode, I hear my first “We really need a fish here, BAD.” If I was not in charge of a retail establishment at this very moment (clearly working ever so hard), I would pour myself a shot. Tyler then refers to the captain of the Hot Tuna as “Tubby Tuna.” Shots fired across the bow!

Hebertboatbort returns to shore with a $14k fish, which puts them in 2nd place under the boat that fired him last year or the year before, whichever, I didn’t watch. So the whole point of this show, I guess, is that you win when you make the most money. This boat was run by a loudmouth and his browbeaten older brother and was in last place the whole season, so now I assume more lovable loudmouthery will take place. I mean, this is Gloucester so that’s kinda how we roll.

Over on the HMS Tunafore, they catch a fish but some other boat decides to drag by very slowly like 10 feet away from them when they have the entire fucking ocean in which to do this, so Dave is angry. Seriously it’s like camping in the empty woods and then some dipshit sets up right fucking next to you. They lose the $10k fish because this giant net from the other boat is in the way, and Dave goes and confronts the dude. Dave is kind of soft-spoken and pleasant mannered, so it’s refreshing to see him call someone else a “fucking douchebag.”

Back on Stonerboat, Tyler is officially dead at this point. He leaves most of the work for the two goofy dudes in the back, and instead they eat strawberries while making stupid faces for the camera.



The next scene has the Hot Tuna talking about, you guessed it, needing a fish. As they get one on their hook, the delightfully rotund captain runs over while trying to hike up his pants, but fails and NatGeo has to blur the resulting plumber’s crack.

Pride of the Gloucester fleet, right here.

Pride of the Gloucester fleet, right here.

Back on the, I hear another “we could really use this fish!” Are you shitting me? You made 100,000 this season already. This is getting a bit out of hand. Stop saying that. Stop. Everybody.

Stonerboat is at the dock and Tyler has chest pains, which I’m pretty sure one of the deckhands describes as “gnar.” So they wheel him off in a little cart to bring him to get it checked out.

Toot toot!

Toot toot!

The episode ends with some fish catching, chain smoking, and exclamations of “needing this fish.” There’s one more week of the season, and then I’m on to the special “Wicked Tuna: North vs South” thing whatever the hell that is. Ugh. Can I recap like, Jeopardy instead?