KT’s Wicked Tuna North vs South Recap: Episode 2, “Southern Discomfort”

Hello again, ladies and gentlefolk who read this blog. I’m back again to regale you with tales o’ the sea, as told by the Discovery Channel on Sundays at 10. Mostly so you don’t have to watch this abysmal show. You’re welcome. I accept donations of cash, beer, or Chuck Taylors in size 8.5.

Last we left off, the Gloucesterfolk who needed more of a paycheck from Discovery and/or the Ocean headed south to bother some other fishermen who wear camouflage everything and literally shoot their guns at the ocean. Fun times.

Right off the bat, HERE COMES STONERBOAT. Aww yiss! My reason for watching! But, I don’t see his crew. Stonesy McGee then explains that he hired experienced help. That help is Paul Hebert. What could go wrong?

Tyler has already started yawning 10 seconds into his segment. This bodes well.

Tyler has already started yawning 10 seconds into his segment. This bodes well.

Anyway, they show up and immediately hook a fish on the way down. It is then that I notice their actual fishing line is yellow, red and green. This Bob Marley white folk shit is out of control. They lose the fish, probably smoke a bunch, and then everybody local all of a sudden notices they have arrived.

And then the one guy with the gun just starts shooting.

Literally.

Got problems? Shoot 'em away!

Got problems? Shoot ’em away!

I don’t get this fucking show, at all. I’m actually regretting my decision to recap it for y’all because I need to be drunk to get through an episode. Who the fuck shoots at someone else’s shit? Is this stereotypical redneck bullshit necessary? What the actual fuck does Discovery think they’re doing with this awful shit? Yes, let the guy shoot the other guy’s fake bird they use to attract tuna and cause $400 in property damage. What a good example for kids. For fuck’s sakes.

The next part of the segment is Nick explaining how in high school, he was voted “most likely to be paid to kill things.” We all have our strengths, I guess. His captain explains that shooting at other people is apparently socially acceptable in the Outer Banks. He also says such gems as “where there’s life, there’s tuna.” Amazing. It’s like Larry the Cable Guy goes tuna fishing.

The Doghouse is apparently the name of a boat on this show, and one of their particularly hirsute crewmates is able to catch a fish.

How much hair does one man need?

How much hair does one man need?

One of the other boats points out that the Hard Merchandise is “a complete rustbucket”, probably because of that time it sank and all.

Over on Stonerboat, they catch a fish, and something goes wrong (I wasn’t paying attention to anything), so they have to “hand line” it, which is Paul Hebert’s strong suit, I guess. He says “if this fish pulls all this line, I’m goin’ overboard!” MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT ON A LIFEJACKET THEN? JUST SAYIN.

There’s High Drama Fishing and Tyler is all like “Paul’s life is on the line, this is a war!” Um, no. A war is a war, you’re on the ocean catching a fucking fish for ten thousand dollars. I hope some aging veteran kicks him in the balls. “Stay right in neutral, here come the squid!” “This is a battle right here!” SQUID ARE NOT A BATTLE WORTHY OPPONENT. THEY’RE NOT EVEN ARMED. HAHAH GET IT.

When the Hot Tuna in a completely not at all staged moment realizes the Pinwheel has joined them, TJ Ott laments how much he’s “tired of Tyler and his stupid little T-Rex arms.” Ha!

Back on Crazyboat, that first mate again threatens to murder a boatful of people with a gun and we’re supposed to think it’s funny or something, and there’s some woo-hooing, and wearing of camouflage, and they reel a fish. Am I seriously the only one terrified that this guy is one wrong Value Meal away from doing harm to the general public?

The Hard Merchandise reels one, and finally! Dave Marciano is smoking a cigarette for the first time this season. He went 1.5 episodes without one! C’mon, quit, dude! But it’s a small random fish, womp womp.

The Pinwheel ends up trying to get some other boat off a low-tide sandbar it had gotten stuck on. Paul yells “Even Einstein knows better, and he’s dead!” I can’t, with this.

They get the boat off, return home, sell a fish, and the episode is finally fucking over and I go to bed.

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: North vs South, Episode 1

Aw jeez guys let’s pretend I missed the seafaring antics of our favorite Gloucester celebrities in the Wicked Tuna crew while waiting for North vs South to get to Hulu. If you’re a new follower to the blog, I do a recap of Wicked Tuna usually while drinking, and by the end of it I am usually yelling at my TV.

So here’s the premise: pretty much everyone but Dave Carraro’s Tuna.com (who made all the dollars) still needs cash, so they all go down to the Outer Banks to extend their fishing season. Look, we’ve got new boats! And there’s some perceived drama between the Gloucester fleet and the natives!

We start off with a boat full of Southerners with boats like the “Fishin’ Frenzy” saying stuff like “we’re jacked up and we’re goin’ fishin!” and “God willin’, we’ll put a fish on this deck!” Oh my god, this is going to be a long fucking season.

HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS, Y'ALL!

HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS, Y’ALL!

The storyline starts off with some unintelligible conversation, and then the guy with the face up there starts LITERALLY SHOOTING THE FUCKING WATER. WITH A GUN. A CAMOUFLAGE GUN. This guy was like “Yes, National Geographic, I will most definitely appear on your reality show! But, within the first minutes of filming, you must let me shoot at the water.” I have a headache, I cannot deal with why this is happening.

TAKE THAT, OCEAN THAT PROVIDES MY LIVING.

TAKE THAT, OCEAN THAT PROVIDES MY LIVING.

 

Over on another boat, one of the captains is literally praying over the CB radio. I take a deep breath and finish my beer.

Wait, GUYS. GUYS. There’s a fishing spot down there called… wait for it…

tunahole

THE JOKES WRITE THEMSELVES.

After some more horrifically boring introductions of boats I could give two shits about, the Hot Tuna appears, and all the boaters are just STUNNED. “Why’s he here?” I don’t know, did you ask the name of the show you are appearing on? Maybe the “Wicked Tuna” would have given it away? Did you notice there was a camera guy on your boat? I mean seriously, everyone is wearing camouflage so you literally may not have noticed.

Right behind him is the Haahd Merchandise. Dave isn’t smoking! Maybe he quit! He probably did not.

So it’s day one, and the Hot Tuna is the first to catch a fish, and I spend an interminable amount of time (that I’ll never get back, mind you) watching them try to spear this thing in its face. Next up is CamoBoat, who get two fish at once, and then explain to the camera for the next few minutes how getting two fish at once works.

Finally, GodBoat literally prays for fish, which I mean, I guess whatever floats your boat. I’m an atheist, so I would choose a more pragmatic plan of attack, but I guess praying is a pretty good alternate strategy. I guess it works, and they swear a lot, catch the fish, and then harpoon it violently. And then they drink moonshine.

I am serious.

All the boats drop their catches off, and TJ from the Hot Tuna exclaims, “were getting right back on the meat!” Meaning they’re going back to work immediately. I giggled, because I’m twelve.

Another Hard Merchandise scene, and Dave isn’t smoking yet. I’m getting a little concerned. They get a bite, and start immediately yelling “IT’S A TUNA! A TUNA!” Yes. It’s a tuna. You are a fisherman. This shouldn’t surprise you into screaming. Calm down, gosh.

Over on another boat, someone yells “WE NEED THIS FISH!” and I’m honestly surprised it’s taken 35 minutes to get to that line. I drink.

Finally, the episode ends, and I can get back to my regular life. Phew.

 

Wicked Tuna Recap: The Season Finale, Finally.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s finally here. I have finally reached the last episode of Wicked Tuna and am here to recap it for you (my previous recaps are here). I mean, after this, I still have to do the North Vs. South which I’ve been seeing commercials for during things I actually enjoy watching, like Going Deep with David Rees. Spoiler alert: They still “really need this fish”.

We start off with a tranquil sunrise and Paul Hebert saying “It’s so free out here, living off the wilderness, you know?” No, I don’t. The wilderness? Like you can just set a rabbit trap and live off furs and shit in the winter like some Little House on the Prairie shit? I’m pretty sure you’re living off hot dogs and Budweiser.

He probably subsists mostly on folksy colloquialisms.

He probably subsists mostly on folksy colloquialisms.

 

The Sambvca (because why not name your boat after the grossest liquor ever) reels a fish, and they struggle with it and as the show goes to commercial, he yells “this fish will die tonight!” and then laughs in an oddly maniacal and yet manic fashion. I’m scared. Hold me, Clampadres.

So far I’ve seen like 3 slow motion seagulls this episode. They really saved up all their best slow-motion seagull footage for the finale. You can tell this is not made for an audience of seafaring folks, because most of us are not huge fans of seagulls. Listen, birds are beautiful, and I even like pigeons, but holy shit, seagulls are awful. I saw one take off with an entire bag of popcorn a few weeks ago at Plum Cove. They’ll shit on you with reckless abandon. They will congregate loudly outside your window when you’re on a fucking conference call. They’re the douchebags of the avian world.

We move on to some super contrived back and forth between Tyler from Stonerboat and TJ/TJ’s dad from Hot Tuna, where apparently Tyler had worked before. That makes sense. Anyway, it’s a magical thing. “ENJOY YA WINTAH!” “YOU’RE A LOSAH!” Pretty much everything that my neighbors yell into the street on a daily basis.

And 8:22 into it, back on the Sambvca, I hear my first “WE NEED THIS FISH!” I just chugged my beer. That’s the game. It has to be a game. Or I won’t make it through another 35 minutes. At 11:22, Paul’s long-suffering older brother says, again. “We need this fish.” About the same fish. Double chug my beer.

This fish is taking forever to catch, but they finally nail it, while poor Dave from the Hard Merchandise looks on, puffing on a cigarette and wearing the same hoodie he’s worn this entire season. This guy’s had a rough year, what with the boat sinking and me giving him a hard time for never being seen without a cigarette. I do hope ol’ smoky-lungs catches one this episode so he can snap out of his funk. Has this guy ever smiled? If I had the choice of a night out at the bar with Dave Marciano or a sack of overcooked rice pilaf, I think the rice might be a bit more lively and upbeat.

Cheer up! There's always cigarettes.

Cheer up! There’s always cigarettes.

The Sambvca gets $14k for that one fish they apparently really needed. I’m pretty sure everyone really needs that kinda money in this town, but hey, whatever.

Finally the Hard Merchandise gets a fish. One of the boat dudes is all “IT’S A WICKED SCREAMAH!” And I have to hold back from yelling “So’s your mom!” And then, two minutes later, “WE NEED THIS FISH!” I crack open another beer. This may be a long night.

And then, glory of all glories, a shirtless Paul Hebert appears in the background of a shot. Oh, my word. This is why I’m in this, folks, for gems like this.

The magic happened, folks.

The magic happened.

The Hard Merchandise explains that they “really need” the fish they end up catching. Twice. I am inebriated at this point.

There’s this super fast “who’s gonna catch the fish!” thing where the camera cuts between 4 boats in like 6 seconds. Some people catch the fish. They needed the fish!

But not the Pinwheel, they haven’t caught a fish. Tyler is sad. Here is Tyler. I like beer.

This is the face of a man out of snacks.

This is the face of a man out of snacks.

Of course, they catch a fish. So does The Tuna.com. I swear, after this is over, I will hear “SANDRO! SANDRO NEUTRAAL!” in my nightmares for months.

I actually feel really bad for the Pinwheel at this point. Their line snaps, they are out of luck, and then everybody like calls them up and makes fun of them.

The show ends with some melodramatic TALKING FROM CAPTAINS about what this year meant to them, and then Tyler steams off down to the south to segue to the spinoff I now have to watch.

It’s been real this season. They’re filming the next season as we speak (literally, I can hear the helicopters ugh).

Tune in sometime soon for WICKED TUNA: NORTH VS SOUTH VS KT.

 

 

 

 

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: The Mighty Bite

Oh lordy tuna, we’re back with another recap of everyone’s favorite show involving Gloucester. This week starts off with the DRAMATIC EXCLAMATION that there’s JUST TWO WEEKS LEFT so SHIT’S GONNA GET REEL, SON. See what I did there? A goddamn fishing pun. That’s how low I stooped just then.

The show flashes to a shot of the Hard Merchandise preparing for Operation Fish While Inhaling from a Marlboro Red, which includes using something called the Chum Cutter. Like a bagel slicer, but for stank fish.

There are no words for this invention.

There are no words for this invention.

Captain Marciano has also awoken me to the fact that apparently the plural of “bait” is actually “baits.” Who knew? Anywho, he’s all up early as shit to get more fishing in. I can’t even be bothered to get up before 6 to ride my bike this summer, so more power to the guy. ¬†They end up hooking a fish, and Dave yells, “This could be what we’re waiting for!” A fish, yes, that’s what your job is, to catch them. I feel like he wakes up in the morning to a note next to his bed he wrote the night before that says “Dear Captain Marciano: Today you catch fish because that is your job. Your boat is at the Marina. The chum cutter is in the dishwasher. Smokes are in your Angelica Fisheries hoodie, like usual.”

The fish ends up being a shark (which is not actually a tuna, fair warning to those following along at home), and Dave smokes introspectively while lamenting his luck. I actually feel bad, since he’s had kind of a rough year since his fucking boat sank at the Marine Railways and that is always a week-ruiner.

Flick your cigarette, you're gonna burn your dang crotch!

Flick your cigarette, you’re gonna burn your dang crotch!

 

The Hot Tuna decides to go to Ipswich Bay because they’ve had luck there (also close proximity to JT Farnham’s, naturally. A man’s gotta eat). They get there and there’s like 50 other boats and they’re pissed. I didn’t even know tuna existed that close to here, so I have learned a thing. I thought Ipswich Bay was for lobsters and white tourists with boat shoes and sweaters tied around their necks.

It's like when everybody wears the same dress to a party.  A tuna party.

It’s like when everybody wears the same dress to a party. A tuna party.

AWW YISS Stonerboat is back! Our favorite blazed as a kite captain is sick and looks like death warmed over, but he knows he really biffed it this season so he wants to fish as much as he can to not lose quite as hard. I feel for the kid, being an outsider in Gloucester is tough, and he kinda was a bit of a douchebag which I’m sure didn’t help matters. His ragtag team of adorable, floppy haired frat brothers help him out with the beep-beep fish machine thing since he’s sick.

In a single two-second stretch, Tyler knocks over a nudie calendar that has to be blurred out, and then his boatmates are wandering around hands-deep in a box of Cheezits, with Bob Marley crap all over the walls. This is legit the best thing about this show.

Ruh-roh Shaggy! We're low on Scooby Snacks.

Ruh-roh Shaggy! We’re low on Scooby Snacks.

Anyway I’m not one to judge, since I literally have my hand in the exact same box of cheezits with the cartoon cheeses (cheezes?) drawn on the back of it. And then, nine minutes into the episode, I hear my first “We really need a fish here, BAD.” If I was not in charge of a retail establishment at this very moment (clearly working ever so hard), I would pour myself a shot. Tyler then refers to the captain of the Hot Tuna as “Tubby Tuna.” Shots fired across the bow!

Hebertboatbort returns to shore with a $14k fish, which puts them in 2nd place under the boat that fired him last year or the year before, whichever, I didn’t watch. So the whole point of this show, I guess, is that you win when you make the most money. This boat was run by a loudmouth and his browbeaten older brother and was in last place the whole season, so now I assume more lovable loudmouthery will take place. I mean, this is Gloucester so that’s kinda how we roll.

Over on the HMS Tunafore, they catch a fish but some other boat decides to drag by very slowly like 10 feet away from them when they have the entire fucking ocean in which to do this, so Dave is angry. Seriously it’s like camping in the empty woods and then some dipshit sets up right fucking next to you. They lose the $10k fish because this giant net from the other boat is in the way, and Dave goes and confronts the dude. Dave is kind of soft-spoken and pleasant mannered, so it’s refreshing to see him call someone else a “fucking douchebag.”

Back on Stonerboat, Tyler is officially dead at this point. He leaves most of the work for the two goofy dudes in the back, and instead they eat strawberries while making stupid faces for the camera.

strawberries

charming.

The next scene has the Hot Tuna talking about, you guessed it, needing a fish. As they get one on their hook, the delightfully rotund captain runs over while trying to hike up his pants, but fails and NatGeo has to blur the resulting plumber’s crack.

Pride of the Gloucester fleet, right here.

Pride of the Gloucester fleet, right here.

Back on the tuna.com, I hear another “we could really use this fish!” Are you shitting me? You made 100,000 this season already. This is getting a bit out of hand. Stop saying that. Stop. Everybody.

Stonerboat is at the dock and Tyler has chest pains, which I’m pretty sure one of the deckhands describes as “gnar.” So they wheel him off in a little cart to bring him to get it checked out.

Toot toot!

Toot toot!

The episode ends with some fish catching, chain smoking, and exclamations of “needing this fish.” There’s one more week of the season, and then I’m on to the special “Wicked Tuna: North vs South” thing whatever the hell that is. Ugh. Can I recap like, Jeopardy instead?

 

Wicked Tuna Recap – “Sharks and Recreation”

Oh, boy! We’re back with another episode of KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap. If you’re new to this, I have no idea how to fish, so I figured recapping this show would be an eye-opening look into the fishing industry. Mostly, though, I’ve learned it just involves a lot of yelling.

On this episode, the narrator tells us there’s only three weeks left to fish, so the yelling will probably get more intense. I mean, he doesn’t say that second part, I just assume it.

Over on HebertBoat (Are we down with calling it Hebort? I want to be), they hook a fish but the shifter cable that lets them drive the boat from outside breaks, so they have to drive from inside. If you guessed this involved more yelling than usual, you’d be right! They get a big fish and then in true fashion, post pictures all over the internet (#fishselfie) Dave C from the Tuna.com is all “that’s poor Captaining!” which I would normally say isn’t a word but I’d totally use that word, so carry on.

RING RING RING RING RING RING RING RING TUNAPHONE

RING RING RING RING RING RING RING RING TUNAPHONE

Hot Tuna is out at night catching herring, which hasn’t really been explained to me before but now makes sense. Also, every time they catch a herring and accidentally drop it on the deck, the rottweiler eats it. The Hot Tuna is edging into “KT’s Fave Boat” category over the Pinwheel just because of the cute dog alone. They get a random late-night bite (do Tunas have fourthmeal?) and it ends up being a thresher shark, which I guess are the shitbags of the sea, since they can injure you pretty bad and whatnot. The Hot Tuna Doods screech wildly and flail their arms in response, and the dog bravely goes to investigate and almost gets walloped in the process.

hebertphone

Ryan, deckhand of the Hot Tuna, explains that he won’t eat the caught shark. “We have a pact, I don’t eat them, they don’t eat me. So far so good.” GLAD YOU TRUST THEM BROTATO CHIP BUT THEY’D EAT YOU GIVEN THE CHANCE. SHARKS ARE NATURE’S JERKS.

I WON'T EAT YOU! I PROMISE! OKAY I'LL PROBABLY EAT YOU A LITTLE BIT

I WON’T EAT YOU! I PROMISE! OKAY I’LL PROBABLY EAT YOU A LITTLE BIT

Hold on to your Marlboro Lights, folks, over on the Hard Merchandise they’ve got a fish! Everyone on this reality show has really upped the scream level in the past few weeks. Now everybody’s just randomly yelling whenever they can, like it’s a 5 year old’s birthday party. THE FISH IS UNDER THE BOAT! LET’S SCREAM! IT’S NO LONGER UNDER THE BOAT! YELL MORE! “We need this fish!” If you’re following along at home, I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to take a shot every time they say they need the fish. Of course, saying that means you don’t get the fish, and they get 99.99% done and then the line breaks. Dang.

Meanwhile, on Hebort, Paul is looking at the woes of the Hard Merchandise through binoculars and laughing manically. Dude, douche move. Pretty sure the sea god is gonna fuck you up for that. Like Poseidon or whoever, I don’t know, I’m a fucking atheist.

The shark that the Hot Tuna caught gets shared with Dave and the Hard Merchandise, because I guess last year one of them caught him right in the nipple, so he wanted his revenge. Nipple revenge. Dave is psyched for the freebie shark steaks. “It’s like the veal cutlet of the sea!” I’ll be sure to get that next time I send visiting elderly family members to the Gloucester House for 4PM Friday dinner.

Reenacting Nipplegate: Ocean Edition.

Reenacting Nipplegate: Ocean Edition.

The Tuna.Com is delighting in the cooking of blueberry pancakes when they get a bite on their line. For the first time in awhile watching this show, I audibly chuckled at three grown men running around on a slippery ship deck while simultaneously trying to hold pancake mix and fish.

Tuna pancakes was my nickname in high school.

Tuna pancakes was my nickname in high school.

They catch the fish, and probably make new pancakes that taste less like floor. The Hot Tuna catches a fish, there’s a ton of yelling and barking, some water, and oh god is this over yet? Oh, it is, but not before a cheesy part where the Heberts show up at Bass Pro Shops in this totally staged advertising bit. Faaaantastic. Time for a beer.