Category: wicked tuna

Wicked Tuna: Season 4 Premier Recap!

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Oh my Clams Casino, are you guys as excited as I am for the return of Wicked Tuna? So confession: I missed the Season Premier of Wicked Tuna last Sunday. I skipped town for a few days and went to Atlantic City with my husband – apparently I am a 73 year old woman from Cos Cob named Geraldine who chainsmokes Virginia Slims and putters about on a motorized scooter, and not a 31 year old with pink hair and an elaborate knowledge of memes. Who knew? Anyway that’s why this update is a week behind the air date. My bad.

Anyway the episode starts off on opening day with some changes. Looks like Paul Hebert has a new boat again, the Kelly Ann, with a whole new bunch of people to yell at, which is just fantastic. Also Tyler fired all the kids on Stonerboat and replaced them with experienced fishermen, one of which unsurprisingly looks like a stoner kid. The Hot Tuna has an additional hirsute family member aboard, the Hard Merchandise is still one lag bolt away from falling apart in the ocean, and the Tuna.com is pretty much the same as last year.

 

I can only imagine how clogged their shower drain gets.

I can only imagine how clogged their shower drain gets.

Every boat gets to where they put lines in the water while they recap last year and awkwardly explain how fishing works in general, and then there’s a Big Dramatic Moment where everyone is waiting for the first bite. And the winner is Paul Hebert and his random boat with random people! Hooray!

Also Hot Tuna and Pinwheel get bites. And then, ten minutes and twenty-eight seconds into the episode comes the first “We need this fish!” That means you take a drink, for those of you watching at home. Our Favorite Catch Phrase is uttered by Tyler’s new vaguely familiar looking crew member, who apparently will not be putting up with any tomfoolery as he is older and has a family. The other crew member looks like he got lost on his way to a homemade skateboarding video shoot. Did they shanghai a twelve year old?

bro!

bro!

Turns out the Hot Tuna actually caught a shark, Paul’s Rando Boat’s line snapped, and it ends up that the Pinwheel wins the Wheel O’ Fish. And in the special bonus round, they also get the second fish of the season AND THEN THE THIRD before another boat catches anything else. I’m sure many celebratory bong hits were ripped because they just kicked everyone else’s ass.

Over on the Hot Tuna, everyone still has plenty of majestic facial hair. They should really just call this boat Four Beards and A Dog. They finally catch a fish. I kind of spaced out at this point but the dog was barking the entire time, I’m sure. Where does that dog take a crap, anyway? Things I wonder about.

Hard Merchandise catches nothing but also doesn’t sink, so bonus really. The last segment has the Tuna.com catching something.

Looks legit.

Looks legit.

At the end of the episode, Stonerboat decides to do some kind of surfing thing that seems like it will most certainly result in grevious bodily harm. The episode ends, but since I’m a week behind, I must soldier on, steadfast in my resolve to watch this show and recap it for you so you don’t have to waste an hour of your lives. I can do another episode tonight. How much margarita mix do I have left?

Episode 1 Stats:

Tunas caught: 5

“We need this fish!” count: 2

Margaritas consumed: 2.3

Times I paused the episode to re-examine my life choices: 3

 

(Obvious Disclaimer Before Folks Get Mad: The majority of cast members of Wicked Tuna are on the whole, good dudes – especially Dave Cararro, who was probably the nicest customer I’ve ever had. I’m being sarcastic in my write-up of this show. I would probably drink with any of these guys.)

Wicked Tuna North Vs South: From Rods to Riches

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Well, folks, we’re back with another recap of everyone’s favorite spinoff, Wicked Tuna North vs South: The South Might Rise Again Maybe! I can’t even remember what episode we’re on or how many are left. It’s an interminable winter of Wicked Tuna episodes, each hour more bleak and hopeless than the last.

If you’re new to the Clam, my reason for recapping this show (and its parent, Regular Old Wicked Tuna) was for me to gain an appreciation for the fishing life. Sure, some of my neighbors and friends have worked on fishing boats, but my most physically exhausting job was working at an office in Southie where I had to park 600 feet away. I wanted to know what it was like to bust ass and catch fish. And so now I recap Wicked Tuna for you, so you don’t have to watch it. You’re welcome.

This episode starts off on Day 14, when 60% of the catch limit has been reached. South! North! Who will do stuff? Who will not? Suspense! The Wahoo (which I’m pretty sure has the crew member who shot an actual gun into the water as one does) is in third place, and the guy who is as intelligible as Boomhauer is lamenting how much fishing “sucks” and how one of the other boat’s captains “cries” and then basically talks to the camera crew like a twelve year old trying to impress the cool kid with the leather jacket. But everyone is wearing camo. He yells “You didn’t has to respect nothin’ if you didn’t earn it!” and now I realize why the GOP does well down South. Woof.

I LIKE TURTLES

HEY CAMERA GUYS WATCH ME LITERALLY PRETEND TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY.

Over on one of the other Southern boats, the Wahoo we’ve got a clothing situation that’s reaching about a 7.8 on the Camouflage Intensity Scale. As the captain explains all the technology he has (WiFi, duh!), we notice he is trying to remain hidden from two types of predators.

Cool stuff, but does it have a built-in vaporizer like the Pinwheel?

Cool stuff, but does it have a built-in vaporizer like the Pinwheel?

Speaking of the Pinwheel, they cut over to Tyler who is struggling with a line, and Paul Hebert yells “slow, in and out, up and down, easy does it” and I drink, because I think that’s part of the rules of the game I made up. Sexual innuendo means you drink. “Rhythm You need Rhythm!” “I know, I was going nuts!” “Don’t leave me!” “I won’t, I’m right here putting gloves on, it’s all I’m gonna do!” Basically I could chop these sound bits into a gigantic porn audio track by this point. “I’m sorry I got so excited!” They get a fish. Hooray. So does the Hard Merchandise.

As the Hard Merchandise brings their fish ashore, Dave Marciano says “good things come in small packages!” and his first mate is like “that’s what she said” and this show is made for ten year olds. There’s no other explanation. None. It’s just 43 minutes of screeching and innuendo and looking cool in front of a camera. I realize that Dave’s green screen interview post-filming shirt says “tails ass up” at the bottom (part of a larger message). Like was his “Buttweiser” shirt in the wash? What year is this?

A Classic Outfit for the Distinguished Gentleman.

A Classic Outfit for the Distinguished Gentleman.

Over on the Fishin’ Frenzy, Shooty McCamoflage is screaming bloody murder about catching a fish. I can never understand what’s going on, it sounds like Deliverance. “Take that, you whiny little bitch!” Someone yells, at an unknown party.

And then the Hard Merchandise starts leaking. I mean, I’m no nautical expert, but that’s usually not a quality one desires in a seafaring vessel. Turns out some pump part broke, so they have to go back to shore before they, you know, cease to float.And then, Back on Fishin’ Frenzy, our favorite unintelligible, mumbling crew member says, and this is a direct quote,

“How about that radiation leak in Japan? Over in the Pacific they got radiated ones make your tongue numb when you eat ’em. They f*ckin love it! Them radiation fish over there, they’re badass. When you’re eating sushi it’s like pop rocks.”

Holy shit. Holy shit. This is a show on NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. This is what is said on a show that is on National Geographic. This is… I can’t type the words again. I’m going to bed.

Mercifully, the episode is over.

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: North Vs South, Episode #5, “Ice Ice Tuna.”

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We’re back with another recap of Wicked Tuna, North vs South. If you’re just tuning in, I recap this show so no one else has to watch it. It started off as kind of a dare – “Let’s watch a show about fishing in our town when I’ve never fished on a boat!” And now it’s kind of grown on me like some terrible Stockholm Syndrome where I kind of empathize with some of these folks. Mostly I don’t though, because I’m a sociopath. Anyway, continuing on!

We start off with a man screaming in a Southern drawl. I didn’t even need to type that sentence, I just imagine you all assume, correctly, that every episode starts like that. Let’s just skip that part next time. ‘WE’REJUST OUT HURR AND THE WIND’S LIKE 25, 35, AND WE’RE LOOKIN’ FOR GIANT BLUEFIN TUNA!” No fucking shit. And here I was, thinking this was a PBS special on whatever submersible Woods Hole is working on these days. Thank you for the clarification, good sir.

Anyway I can tell in advance that the entire freakin’ plotline of this episode is going to be based on some storm rolling in. One of the more well-spoken Southern gents explains to us about the inherent dangers of the ocean, and there’s a bunch of clouds in the trailer preview, so I’m guessing there will be more screaming and wacky camera angles than usual. They go on about how you can easily be knocked overboard by a wave and I’m like “arggh wear a lifejacket at least!”

That seems safe.

That seems safe.

 

Oh my god, the first “We need this fish bad!” And we’re 3 minutes into it. I aim to drink every time they say it. At this rate, with this episode, I may never actually make it to the Rhumbline to continue drinking.  I guess this is the Fishing Frenzy, they get the fish eventually, and emit a lot of unintelligible screaming in the process.

The Wahoo takes a look at the weather, realizes there’s no fish anyway, and says “fuck it” and heads to shore. This is a good and smart decision.

You know what’s weird in this show? No matter how little money they get for the fish or how small it is, they’re always SUPER EXCITED ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY THEY JUST MADE. It must be some kind of weird contractual obligation.

Hooray. Don't scream until the camera pans away.

Hooray. Don’t scream until the camera pans away.

 

Over on Stonerboat, a Coast Guard plane does a couple of warning passes, and Tyler realizes they usually don’t just do that for shits and giggles (or maybe they do, I’m no nautical expert here). So, they head in. There’s a cool fast-motion shot of this huge-ass Cloud Of Pain and Snow rolling in.

promising

 

Fast forward to tomorrow! There’s tons of snow and ice and stuff from this storm! Oh, this makes working hard! The Hot Tuna keeps breaking through ice to get out of the harbor, but it gets real dramatic-like. “It’s super sketchy, I ain’t gonna lie!” You tell it like it is.

“We’re not gonna make it, man!” DUN DUN DUNNNN.

I expected the ending of Titanic, but instead they turn around and head back, and the first mate with the super long last name jumps out of the boat onto the dock and slips on the ice in a hilarious manner slightly off-camera. There’s nothing I like more than slapstick comedy where no one is seriously injured, so that made watching the rest of this hot mess worth it.

Dave Marciano goes on about how easy it is to sink boats and damage them by going out when they’re not supposed to, so they, too, stay in. I’m hoping at this point there’s just a big scene of everyone taking a snow day and going bowling because it would make this more palatable.

Over on Stonerboat, they say “We’re Gloucestermen! Let’s try it!” Which is what I’m going to yell every time I get drunk and do something stupid in the general downtown area (spoiler alert: this is often).

They get to the same spot where the Hot Tuna gave up and tucked tail for Pizza Bagels and Netflix, and Paul Hebert yells “It’s thicker than you think!” I chuckle, because I am twelve. They somehow actually manage to Ice Dance their way out of there, but other boats are more concerned with the old “not dying” trick, so they’re on their own for now. They go to a perfectly timed commercial break as it appears the boat is about to sink, but probably after we come back will turn out to only be a slightly rolling wave hitting it. Reality TV! Hooray!

Spoiler alert: THAT WAS ACTUALLY WHAT IT WAS. A SMALL WAVE BROKE OVER THE BOAT AND THEY SAID WOOHOO AND KEPT GOING. NAT GEO BILLED THIS LIKE DANGER WAS AFOOT.  THIS IS WHY I HATE REALITY TV SO MUCH.

Multitasking!

Multitasking!

The Wahoo, which I’ve by now realized contains the more well-spoken and less “shooting our guns indiscriminantly at the water” crew of the Southern boats, catches a fish. I think this is the only boat where they don’t need to use captions.

On the Hard Merchandise, the fantabulous world of double-entendres continues with Dave yelling “Pop ’em off! I don’t wanna lose my fingers!” Which is what all the boys say to me, or something. I’m pretty sure he also yells “you’re too far down in the gap!” But I can’t be sure. I need captions. “All packaged up like a nice Christmas sausage!” This can’t possibly be accidental.

In one of the final scenes, someone says “I hope the curtains match the carpet!” in regards to the inside of a fish.

The Pinwheel stays out kinda late, and almost has engine problems that would have left them dead in the water during a dangerous storm. Man, this is not an easy way to make a living.

Some boats make money. Others don’t.

Fin.

 

 

 

 

 

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: North vs South, “Were not in Gloucester Anymore”

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Oh god we’re back again with more crapisodes of Wicked Tuna: North vs South. Look how excited I am about having to watch another hour of people yelling and catching big fish. You can’t actually look because I’m behind a computer screen, but I’m feigning intense excitement. Trust me on this.

This episode, first of all, is missing an apostrophe in the episode title, but I guess probably no one watching the show seriously noticed or cared. I cared, because I’m pedantic as hell.

Grammar: How Does It Work?

Grammar: How Does It Work?

 

We’re on day 7 of this hot dumpster fire of a reality show, and the narrator alerts us that Fishin’ Frenzy is in the lead with 4 fish. Hooray! I don’t care.

If you’re wondering if I’m being melodramatic about how boring this show is, the Captain of the Fishing Frenzy just said, “We’ve heard reports that it’s going to get windy later, so we’re heading out early to cross the inlet before it gets rough.” This is the exciting and dramatic foreshadowing this show has. Guhhhhh. I think this is the boat where the insane guy shot at the water. Oh yeah, it definitely has the whooping, hollering, crazy Southern dude trope going on. See exhibit A:

chillax bro r u serius

chillax bro r u serius

Over on Stonerboat, there’s some general grousing about how they haven’t caught anything, and some just-rolled-out-of-bed looks going on. They go through the INLET OF DEATH APPARENTLY and some dramatic music happens and they hit waves that Tyler describes as “gnar-gnar.” Dave Marciano almost fails at actually steering his boat through the DEATH INLET.

One of the Southern boats, I think Camoboat, reels two fish at once. I know this because Boomhauer tells me.

wut.

wut.

At nearly 12 minutes into the episode, the boat highest on the leaderboard by several thousand dollars yells “we need this fish!” Oh my god, seriously? You literally caught all the fish. How do you need more? Stop. Enough. they end up having no fish. Pretty much no one in this episode is catching fish. Damn, you guys suck at your jobs this week.

One of the captains is all “This is one of the most stressful times of my life!” Really? Really? Dude I assure you there are many more stressful things in life than fishing. I know a lot of money goes into it, but damn that’s some melodrama.

And then they drop “don’t be a pussy.” Really? Ugh, this show. I literally have to drink a beer to get through it. They catch a fish. It’s “buttery.” Wut.

Dave Marciano and the other Gloucester boats stay out in a gale overnight. “We do this all the time in Glosta, but this isn’t Glosta!” and so on. They apparently all survive, but then CamoBoat has issues with waves and almost dying.

I see nothing!

I see nothing!

It actually does appear to be quite crappy weather. I get a little seasick just watching the Hard Merchandise, which looks like it’s made out of scrap lumber in the first place, pitch violently in the water. It doesn’t look like they’re wearing life jackets either, which makes my inner momvoice so angry. WHY DO YOU DO THIS I DONT CARE IF IT RESTRICTS YOUR MOVEMENT. You know what else restricts your movement? Being dead. Do they really not wear them? They should wear them. I wear one kayaking in knee-deep water in Plum Cove. Shut up, I like to be safe.

Dave and his wingman Jason reel a fish. I like Jason, because he talks like he is CONSTANTLY USING CAPS LOCK. His voice must hurt every night. I don’t think he’s ever not yelled a line of dialogue in this entire series. He’s intense, I like his style. You turn it up to 11, don’t let anyone stop you!

Anyway they catch the fish, the Pinwheel catches a fish, then the Hot Tuna catches one as well. Speaking of Hot Tuna, is anyone going to have an intervention re: TJ’s hair?

Don't hog all the hair in town, save some for the rest of us.

Don’t hog all the hair in town, save some for the rest of us.

Anyway the episode ends there after everybody from Gloucester makes money. Nobody even wrecks their boat like the trailer led me to believe. Ugh, false advertising.

There you go, now you don’t have to watch it. Or watch and laugh along with me. Until next time, I’m out!

 

 

 

 

Wicked Tuna North vs South: Episode 3, Bluefin or Bust

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Happy Monday, Clampatriots! We’ve been so busy with all kinds of intersection fights, website changes and Jim’s ranting about weasels that I almost forgot about the next installation of KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap.

So here we are – episode 3. Sigh. I may be procrastinating on hitting the “play” button on this, because the show is that monotonous. Alright, alright, all my Candy Crush lives are gone so I’ll do it.  Thank god for wine.

We start off this episode with Dave Marciano explaining, “If the Haahd Merchandise doesn’t catch a fish this week, we’re goin’ back to Gloucester!” I mean it’s cold up here, Dave, do you really want to come back? Think this through a little bit.

One of the southern boats pulls up to Dave in a completely staged effort and starts half-heartedly talking about how they don’t like “Yankee boats invading their circle” and stuff. It’s like these guys really wanted to break for lunch – they kind of fumble awkwardly through their lines and their trash-talking retorts are said in an entirely monotone voice. Are there people who watch this and think “This is good drama”? I want to talk to them right now and make them explain some things to me.

I’ve made it 7 minutes so far without someone saying either “We need this fish!” or shooting at the water with a gun. This is actually quite remarkable. The unnatural overuse of camouflage, however, is front and center in this episode.

DEAR GOD, WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM?

DEAR GOD, WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM?

It looks like the sporting section of a Super Walmart threw up in there. Before and after this shot, there were two OTHER colors of camouflage being worn by these two fashionable men. Is the guy on the left hunting in a patch of green beans? What the fuck? “Because The South” probably applies here.

One of the boats from the South catches a fish, and someone yells “Get your ass over here and stick him!” And I laugh, because I am twelve. Whoever the captain of this boat is, he’s the whitest dude on earth.

Who let you wear that visor?

Who let you wear that visor?

He looks like the treasurer of the White Guy club. I assume he drives a Chevy Avalanche and golfs a lot. He’s the man version of the Basic Bitch. He has a propane grill. He has a two car garage. He watches football on Sundays. They sure do pick interesting characters to appear on this show, she said sarcastically.

Anyway back in the ocean, there’s a brief bit with Tyler and Paul on what I’ll rename “giggleboat” because all these guys do is just laugh ferociously at stuff that isn’t necessarily very funny (in retrospect, Stonerboat still works as a name). I’ll take it, though. Anything is better than camouflage.  The whole aim of this bit is that Tyler pretends to have a southern accent, but he ends up sounding exactly like Bill Clinton, especially when he utters “I just want to bend the pole.” So did Bill, my friend. So did Bill.

Over on Hard Merchandise, they decide to fish all night. I will give you ten dollars if you guess what they say twice upon getting a bite?

Of course you do.

Of course you do.

 

Actually, it turns out they literally *don’t* need the fish, as it’s a Hammerhead Shark. Camoboat, however, catches a fish. At least I think they did, it’s not like I can actually see anything in there. I’m going by the audio.

 

camo2

We dressed like twinsies! Fistbump!

 

Then dramatic music starts playing and Dave Marciano looks straight into the camera and says “If I don’t catch a fish TONIGHT, I’m tuckin’ tail and going back to Gloucester.” I guess this means the Hard Merchandise will catch a fish right this very second, as this is Reality TV. Spoilert alert: I was correct.

HURR HURR I AM TWELVE

HURR HURR I AM TWELVE

“You needa go to Harpoon school!” bellows Dave, after his first mate makes a grievous pitching error.  However, they finish the fish off, high-five, and each smoke a pack of Marlboros in celebration.

Anyway this show is finally winding down and literally nothing interesting has happened. The two boats that caught fish bring them to the Scale With The Dramatic Pause For Effect, and the guy buying the fish says “penetrating into the major lobes” about the quality of the tuna. Har-har.

The episode closes without one mention of that boat where the guy waves the gun around and shoots stuff for seemingly minor reasons. USA! USA! USA!