Oh lordy tuna, we’re back with another recap of everyone’s favorite show involving Gloucester. This week starts off with the DRAMATIC EXCLAMATION that there’s JUST TWO WEEKS LEFT so SHIT’S GONNA GET REEL, SON. See what I did there? A goddamn fishing pun. That’s how low I stooped just then.
The show flashes to a shot of the Hard Merchandise preparing for Operation Fish While Inhaling from a Marlboro Red, which includes using something called the Chum Cutter. Like a bagel slicer, but for stank fish.
There are no words for this invention.
Captain Marciano has also awoken me to the fact that apparently the plural of “bait” is actually “baits.” Who knew? Anywho, he’s all up early as shit to get more fishing in. I can’t even be bothered to get up before 6 to ride my bike this summer, so more power to the guy. They end up hooking a fish, and Dave yells, “This could be what we’re waiting for!” A fish, yes, that’s what your job is, to catch them. I feel like he wakes up in the morning to a note next to his bed he wrote the night before that says “Dear Captain Marciano: Today you catch fish because that is your job. Your boat is at the Marina. The chum cutter is in the dishwasher. Smokes are in your Angelica Fisheries hoodie, like usual.”
The fish ends up being a shark (which is not actually a tuna, fair warning to those following along at home), and Dave smokes introspectively while lamenting his luck. I actually feel bad, since he’s had kind of a rough year since his fucking boat sank at the Marine Railways and that is always a week-ruiner.
Flick your cigarette, you’re gonna burn your dang crotch!
The Hot Tuna decides to go to Ipswich Bay because they’ve had luck there (also close proximity to JT Farnham’s, naturally. A man’s gotta eat). They get there and there’s like 50 other boats and they’re pissed. I didn’t even know tuna existed that close to here, so I have learned a thing. I thought Ipswich Bay was for lobsters and white tourists with boat shoes and sweaters tied around their necks.
It’s like when everybody wears the same dress to a party. A tuna party.
AWW YISS Stonerboat is back! Our favorite blazed as a kite captain is sick and looks like death warmed over, but he knows he really biffed it this season so he wants to fish as much as he can to not lose quite as hard. I feel for the kid, being an outsider in Gloucester is tough, and he kinda was a bit of a douchebag which I’m sure didn’t help matters. His ragtag team of adorable, floppy haired frat brothers help him out with the beep-beep fish machine thing since he’s sick.
In a single two-second stretch, Tyler knocks over a nudie calendar that has to be blurred out, and then his boatmates are wandering around hands-deep in a box of Cheezits, with Bob Marley crap all over the walls. This is legit the best thing about this show.
Ruh-roh Shaggy! We’re low on Scooby Snacks.
Anyway I’m not one to judge, since I literally have my hand in the exact same box of cheezits with the cartoon cheeses (cheezes?) drawn on the back of it. And then, nine minutes into the episode, I hear my first “We really need a fish here, BAD.” If I was not in charge of a retail establishment at this very moment (clearly working ever so hard), I would pour myself a shot. Tyler then refers to the captain of the Hot Tuna as “Tubby Tuna.” Shots fired across the bow!
Hebertboatbort returns to shore with a $14k fish, which puts them in 2nd place under the boat that fired him last year or the year before, whichever, I didn’t watch. So the whole point of this show, I guess, is that you win when you make the most money. This boat was run by a loudmouth and his browbeaten older brother and was in last place the whole season, so now I assume more lovable loudmouthery will take place. I mean, this is Gloucester so that’s kinda how we roll.
Over on the HMS Tunafore, they catch a fish but some other boat decides to drag by very slowly like 10 feet away from them when they have the entire fucking ocean in which to do this, so Dave is angry. Seriously it’s like camping in the empty woods and then some dipshit sets up right fucking next to you. They lose the $10k fish because this giant net from the other boat is in the way, and Dave goes and confronts the dude. Dave is kind of soft-spoken and pleasant mannered, so it’s refreshing to see him call someone else a “fucking douchebag.”
Back on Stonerboat, Tyler is officially dead at this point. He leaves most of the work for the two goofy dudes in the back, and instead they eat strawberries while making stupid faces for the camera.
The next scene has the Hot Tuna talking about, you guessed it, needing a fish. As they get one on their hook, the delightfully rotund captain runs over while trying to hike up his pants, but fails and NatGeo has to blur the resulting plumber’s crack.
Pride of the Gloucester fleet, right here.
Back on the tuna.com, I hear another “we could really use this fish!” Are you shitting me? You made 100,000 this season already. This is getting a bit out of hand. Stop saying that. Stop. Everybody.
Stonerboat is at the dock and Tyler has chest pains, which I’m pretty sure one of the deckhands describes as “gnar.” So they wheel him off in a little cart to bring him to get it checked out.
The episode ends with some fish catching, chain smoking, and exclamations of “needing this fish.” There’s one more week of the season, and then I’m on to the special “Wicked Tuna: North vs South” thing whatever the hell that is. Ugh. Can I recap like, Jeopardy instead?