KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: Episode 3, “Bluefin Beatdown”.

Welcome back to KT’s Wicked Tuna recap, where I tell you what’s going on in this magical show so you don’t actually spend an hour of your weekend doing so. I take donations, by the way, for this service. Mostly in booze or tranquilizer darts (whatever, I have small boys, don’t judge).

So our third hot garbage episode of the season is upon us. I believe it’s called “The One Where Mike Fucks Up”, based on the previews. Most of the first five minutes is just stock footage of Stonerboat and Tuna.com getting into several years of sad man-drama, but then they switch over to the Hot Tuna and there’s TJ, totally throwing his little brother Mike under the bus on national tv for like six additional minutes. Hot damn, we have ourselves an episode.

"Is my shirt clean enough? It's only cable TV."

“Is my shirt clean enough? It’s only cable TV.”

The Pinwheel fails to catch a fish (even though they said they really needed it), and there is whining. Tyler mumbles a series of motivational phrases, and the show’s obviously scripted lines are yelled too quickly and thoughtlessly to be anything off-the-cuff. It’s not that any of us believe these reality shows represent the truth, but there are times when this show doesn’t even try to hide the scripting. Dave’s Tuna.com catches a fish, and then whomps it with an anchor ball. Okay! Cool. Normal.

There is a little bit on Paul’s new boat, the Kelly Ann, and some kid making a delicious-looking breakfast. However, they don’t catch anything and are largely useless for the entire episode. The Hard Merchandise doesn’t even show up for this episode, though, so at least these guys got to eat delicious breakfast sandwiches.

hooray for boat sandwiches!

hooray for boat sandwiches!

The Hot Tuna has a fish on their line, but then just starts leaking power steering fluid everywhere. So basically they just put more steering fluid in, and then it slowly seeps into the ocean. That’s… safe. And good for the ocean. Thanks for that, NatGeo. The Tuna.com has another fish, who they deem “an asshole”. Well, yeah, I think that’s because he has a hook in his face. Probably. And now he’s dead and will be in my next spicy tuna roll. Hooray!

Back to the Hot Tuna, where they smartly decide to catch the leaking oil in a bucket instead of letting it seep directly into the ocean. They catch the fish on their line with the help of Mike, who has finally done something worthy of his family’s love (sweating in a small, hot room). Hooray!

Okay this has been an entirely boring episode. A few more fish get caught in incredibly boring ways, some yelling happens, karma is or is not served on Tyler, some tuna gets sold for varying amounts of money, I need another margarita, blah blah blah.

Drinks Consumed: 1.6 (zzz this stupid episode sucked)
Tuna Caught: 4
We Really Need This Fish Count: 2
Reel Reel Reel! Count: 3
Slow Motion Seagulls: 0

Wicked Tuna: Season 4 Premier Recap!

Oh my Clams Casino, are you guys as excited as I am for the return of Wicked Tuna? So confession: I missed the Season Premier of Wicked Tuna last Sunday. I skipped town for a few days and went to Atlantic City with my husband – apparently I am a 73 year old woman from Cos Cob named Geraldine who chainsmokes Virginia Slims and putters about on a motorized scooter, and not a 31 year old with pink hair and an elaborate knowledge of memes. Who knew? Anyway that’s why this update is a week behind the air date. My bad.

Anyway the episode starts off on opening day with some changes. Looks like Paul Hebert has a new boat again, the Kelly Ann, with a whole new bunch of people to yell at, which is just fantastic. Also Tyler fired all the kids on Stonerboat and replaced them with experienced fishermen, one of which unsurprisingly looks like a stoner kid. The Hot Tuna has an additional hirsute family member aboard, the Hard Merchandise is still one lag bolt away from falling apart in the ocean, and the Tuna.com is pretty much the same as last year.


I can only imagine how clogged their shower drain gets.

I can only imagine how clogged their shower drain gets.

Every boat gets to where they put lines in the water while they recap last year and awkwardly explain how fishing works in general, and then there’s a Big Dramatic Moment where everyone is waiting for the first bite. And the winner is Paul Hebert and his random boat with random people! Hooray!

Also Hot Tuna and Pinwheel get bites. And then, ten minutes and twenty-eight seconds into the episode comes the first “We need this fish!” That means you take a drink, for those of you watching at home. Our Favorite Catch Phrase is uttered by Tyler’s new vaguely familiar looking crew member, who apparently will not be putting up with any tomfoolery as he is older and has a family. The other crew member looks like he got lost on his way to a homemade skateboarding video shoot. Did they shanghai a twelve year old?



Turns out the Hot Tuna actually caught a shark, Paul’s Rando Boat’s line snapped, and it ends up that the Pinwheel wins the Wheel O’ Fish. And in the special bonus round, they also get the second fish of the season AND THEN THE THIRD before another boat catches anything else. I’m sure many celebratory bong hits were ripped because they just kicked everyone else’s ass.

Over on the Hot Tuna, everyone still has plenty of majestic facial hair. They should really just call this boat Four Beards and A Dog. They finally catch a fish. I kind of spaced out at this point but the dog was barking the entire time, I’m sure. Where does that dog take a crap, anyway? Things I wonder about.

Hard Merchandise catches nothing but also doesn’t sink, so bonus really. The last segment has the Tuna.com catching something.

Looks legit.

Looks legit.

At the end of the episode, Stonerboat decides to do some kind of surfing thing that seems like it will most certainly result in grevious bodily harm. The episode ends, but since I’m a week behind, I must soldier on, steadfast in my resolve to watch this show and recap it for you so you don’t have to waste an hour of your lives. I can do another episode tonight. How much margarita mix do I have left?

Episode 1 Stats:

Tunas caught: 5

“We need this fish!” count: 2

Margaritas consumed: 2.3

Times I paused the episode to re-examine my life choices: 3


(Obvious Disclaimer Before Folks Get Mad: The majority of cast members of Wicked Tuna are on the whole, good dudes – especially Dave Cararro, who was probably the nicest customer I’ve ever had. I’m being sarcastic in my write-up of this show. I would probably drink with any of these guys.)

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: North vs South, “Were not in Gloucester Anymore”

Oh god we’re back again with more crapisodes of Wicked Tuna: North vs South. Look how excited I am about having to watch another hour of people yelling and catching big fish. You can’t actually look because I’m behind a computer screen, but I’m feigning intense excitement. Trust me on this.

This episode, first of all, is missing an apostrophe in the episode title, but I guess probably no one watching the show seriously noticed or cared. I cared, because I’m pedantic as hell.

Grammar: How Does It Work?

Grammar: How Does It Work?


We’re on day 7 of this hot dumpster fire of a reality show, and the narrator alerts us that Fishin’ Frenzy is in the lead with 4 fish. Hooray! I don’t care.

If you’re wondering if I’m being melodramatic about how boring this show is, the Captain of the Fishing Frenzy just said, “We’ve heard reports that it’s going to get windy later, so we’re heading out early to cross the inlet before it gets rough.” This is the exciting and dramatic foreshadowing this show has. Guhhhhh. I think this is the boat where the insane guy shot at the water. Oh yeah, it definitely has the whooping, hollering, crazy Southern dude trope going on. See exhibit A:

chillax bro r u serius

chillax bro r u serius

Over on Stonerboat, there’s some general grousing about how they haven’t caught anything, and some just-rolled-out-of-bed looks going on. They go through the INLET OF DEATH APPARENTLY and some dramatic music happens and they hit waves that Tyler describes as “gnar-gnar.” Dave Marciano almost fails at actually steering his boat through the DEATH INLET.

One of the Southern boats, I think Camoboat, reels two fish at once. I know this because Boomhauer tells me.



At nearly 12 minutes into the episode, the boat highest on the leaderboard by several thousand dollars yells “we need this fish!” Oh my god, seriously? You literally caught all the fish. How do you need more? Stop. Enough. they end up having no fish. Pretty much no one in this episode is catching fish. Damn, you guys suck at your jobs this week.

One of the captains is all “This is one of the most stressful times of my life!” Really? Really? Dude I assure you there are many more stressful things in life than fishing. I know a lot of money goes into it, but damn that’s some melodrama.

And then they drop “don’t be a pussy.” Really? Ugh, this show. I literally have to drink a beer to get through it. They catch a fish. It’s “buttery.” Wut.

Dave Marciano and the other Gloucester boats stay out in a gale overnight. “We do this all the time in Glosta, but this isn’t Glosta!” and so on. They apparently all survive, but then CamoBoat has issues with waves and almost dying.

I see nothing!

I see nothing!

It actually does appear to be quite crappy weather. I get a little seasick just watching the Hard Merchandise, which looks like it’s made out of scrap lumber in the first place, pitch violently in the water. It doesn’t look like they’re wearing life jackets either, which makes my inner momvoice so angry. WHY DO YOU DO THIS I DONT CARE IF IT RESTRICTS YOUR MOVEMENT. You know what else restricts your movement? Being dead. Do they really not wear them? They should wear them. I wear one kayaking in knee-deep water in Plum Cove. Shut up, I like to be safe.

Dave and his wingman Jason reel a fish. I like Jason, because he talks like he is CONSTANTLY USING CAPS LOCK. His voice must hurt every night. I don’t think he’s ever not yelled a line of dialogue in this entire series. He’s intense, I like his style. You turn it up to 11, don’t let anyone stop you!

Anyway they catch the fish, the Pinwheel catches a fish, then the Hot Tuna catches one as well. Speaking of Hot Tuna, is anyone going to have an intervention re: TJ’s hair?

Don't hog all the hair in town, save some for the rest of us.

Don’t hog all the hair in town, save some for the rest of us.

Anyway the episode ends there after everybody from Gloucester makes money. Nobody even wrecks their boat like the trailer led me to believe. Ugh, false advertising.

There you go, now you don’t have to watch it. Or watch and laugh along with me. Until next time, I’m out!





Wicked Tuna Recap: The Season Finale, Finally.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s finally here. I have finally reached the last episode of Wicked Tuna and am here to recap it for you (my previous recaps are here). I mean, after this, I still have to do the North Vs. South which I’ve been seeing commercials for during things I actually enjoy watching, like Going Deep with David Rees. Spoiler alert: They still “really need this fish”.

We start off with a tranquil sunrise and Paul Hebert saying “It’s so free out here, living off the wilderness, you know?” No, I don’t. The wilderness? Like you can just set a rabbit trap and live off furs and shit in the winter like some Little House on the Prairie shit? I’m pretty sure you’re living off hot dogs and Budweiser.

He probably subsists mostly on folksy colloquialisms.

He probably subsists mostly on folksy colloquialisms.


The Sambvca (because why not name your boat after the grossest liquor ever) reels a fish, and they struggle with it and as the show goes to commercial, he yells “this fish will die tonight!” and then laughs in an oddly maniacal and yet manic fashion. I’m scared. Hold me, Clampadres.

So far I’ve seen like 3 slow motion seagulls this episode. They really saved up all their best slow-motion seagull footage for the finale. You can tell this is not made for an audience of seafaring folks, because most of us are not huge fans of seagulls. Listen, birds are beautiful, and I even like pigeons, but holy shit, seagulls are awful. I saw one take off with an entire bag of popcorn a few weeks ago at Plum Cove. They’ll shit on you with reckless abandon. They will congregate loudly outside your window when you’re on a fucking conference call. They’re the douchebags of the avian world.

We move on to some super contrived back and forth between Tyler from Stonerboat and TJ/TJ’s dad from Hot Tuna, where apparently Tyler had worked before. That makes sense. Anyway, it’s a magical thing. “ENJOY YA WINTAH!” “YOU’RE A LOSAH!” Pretty much everything that my neighbors yell into the street on a daily basis.

And 8:22 into it, back on the Sambvca, I hear my first “WE NEED THIS FISH!” I just chugged my beer. That’s the game. It has to be a game. Or I won’t make it through another 35 minutes. At 11:22, Paul’s long-suffering older brother says, again. “We need this fish.” About the same fish. Double chug my beer.

This fish is taking forever to catch, but they finally nail it, while poor Dave from the Hard Merchandise looks on, puffing on a cigarette and wearing the same hoodie he’s worn this entire season. This guy’s had a rough year, what with the boat sinking and me giving him a hard time for never being seen without a cigarette. I do hope ol’ smoky-lungs catches one this episode so he can snap out of his funk. Has this guy ever smiled? If I had the choice of a night out at the bar with Dave Marciano or a sack of overcooked rice pilaf, I think the rice might be a bit more lively and upbeat.

Cheer up! There's always cigarettes.

Cheer up! There’s always cigarettes.

The Sambvca gets $14k for that one fish they apparently really needed. I’m pretty sure everyone really needs that kinda money in this town, but hey, whatever.

Finally the Hard Merchandise gets a fish. One of the boat dudes is all “IT’S A WICKED SCREAMAH!” And I have to hold back from yelling “So’s your mom!” And then, two minutes later, “WE NEED THIS FISH!” I crack open another beer. This may be a long night.

And then, glory of all glories, a shirtless Paul Hebert appears in the background of a shot. Oh, my word. This is why I’m in this, folks, for gems like this.

The magic happened, folks.

The magic happened.

The Hard Merchandise explains that they “really need” the fish they end up catching. Twice. I am inebriated at this point.

There’s this super fast “who’s gonna catch the fish!” thing where the camera cuts between 4 boats in like 6 seconds. Some people catch the fish. They needed the fish!

But not the Pinwheel, they haven’t caught a fish. Tyler is sad. Here is Tyler. I like beer.

This is the face of a man out of snacks.

This is the face of a man out of snacks.

Of course, they catch a fish. So does The Tuna.com. I swear, after this is over, I will hear “SANDRO! SANDRO NEUTRAAL!” in my nightmares for months.

I actually feel really bad for the Pinwheel at this point. Their line snaps, they are out of luck, and then everybody like calls them up and makes fun of them.

The show ends with some melodramatic TALKING FROM CAPTAINS about what this year meant to them, and then Tyler steams off down to the south to segue to the spinoff I now have to watch.

It’s been real this season. They’re filming the next season as we speak (literally, I can hear the helicopters ugh).

Tune in sometime soon for WICKED TUNA: NORTH VS SOUTH VS KT.





KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: The Mighty Bite

Oh lordy tuna, we’re back with another recap of everyone’s favorite show involving Gloucester. This week starts off with the DRAMATIC EXCLAMATION that there’s JUST TWO WEEKS LEFT so SHIT’S GONNA GET REEL, SON. See what I did there? A goddamn fishing pun. That’s how low I stooped just then.

The show flashes to a shot of the Hard Merchandise preparing for Operation Fish While Inhaling from a Marlboro Red, which includes using something called the Chum Cutter. Like a bagel slicer, but for stank fish.

There are no words for this invention.

There are no words for this invention.

Captain Marciano has also awoken me to the fact that apparently the plural of “bait” is actually “baits.” Who knew? Anywho, he’s all up early as shit to get more fishing in. I can’t even be bothered to get up before 6 to ride my bike this summer, so more power to the guy.  They end up hooking a fish, and Dave yells, “This could be what we’re waiting for!” A fish, yes, that’s what your job is, to catch them. I feel like he wakes up in the morning to a note next to his bed he wrote the night before that says “Dear Captain Marciano: Today you catch fish because that is your job. Your boat is at the Marina. The chum cutter is in the dishwasher. Smokes are in your Angelica Fisheries hoodie, like usual.”

The fish ends up being a shark (which is not actually a tuna, fair warning to those following along at home), and Dave smokes introspectively while lamenting his luck. I actually feel bad, since he’s had kind of a rough year since his fucking boat sank at the Marine Railways and that is always a week-ruiner.

Flick your cigarette, you're gonna burn your dang crotch!

Flick your cigarette, you’re gonna burn your dang crotch!


The Hot Tuna decides to go to Ipswich Bay because they’ve had luck there (also close proximity to JT Farnham’s, naturally. A man’s gotta eat). They get there and there’s like 50 other boats and they’re pissed. I didn’t even know tuna existed that close to here, so I have learned a thing. I thought Ipswich Bay was for lobsters and white tourists with boat shoes and sweaters tied around their necks.

It's like when everybody wears the same dress to a party.  A tuna party.

It’s like when everybody wears the same dress to a party. A tuna party.

AWW YISS Stonerboat is back! Our favorite blazed as a kite captain is sick and looks like death warmed over, but he knows he really biffed it this season so he wants to fish as much as he can to not lose quite as hard. I feel for the kid, being an outsider in Gloucester is tough, and he kinda was a bit of a douchebag which I’m sure didn’t help matters. His ragtag team of adorable, floppy haired frat brothers help him out with the beep-beep fish machine thing since he’s sick.

In a single two-second stretch, Tyler knocks over a nudie calendar that has to be blurred out, and then his boatmates are wandering around hands-deep in a box of Cheezits, with Bob Marley crap all over the walls. This is legit the best thing about this show.

Ruh-roh Shaggy! We're low on Scooby Snacks.

Ruh-roh Shaggy! We’re low on Scooby Snacks.

Anyway I’m not one to judge, since I literally have my hand in the exact same box of cheezits with the cartoon cheeses (cheezes?) drawn on the back of it. And then, nine minutes into the episode, I hear my first “We really need a fish here, BAD.” If I was not in charge of a retail establishment at this very moment (clearly working ever so hard), I would pour myself a shot. Tyler then refers to the captain of the Hot Tuna as “Tubby Tuna.” Shots fired across the bow!

Hebertboatbort returns to shore with a $14k fish, which puts them in 2nd place under the boat that fired him last year or the year before, whichever, I didn’t watch. So the whole point of this show, I guess, is that you win when you make the most money. This boat was run by a loudmouth and his browbeaten older brother and was in last place the whole season, so now I assume more lovable loudmouthery will take place. I mean, this is Gloucester so that’s kinda how we roll.

Over on the HMS Tunafore, they catch a fish but some other boat decides to drag by very slowly like 10 feet away from them when they have the entire fucking ocean in which to do this, so Dave is angry. Seriously it’s like camping in the empty woods and then some dipshit sets up right fucking next to you. They lose the $10k fish because this giant net from the other boat is in the way, and Dave goes and confronts the dude. Dave is kind of soft-spoken and pleasant mannered, so it’s refreshing to see him call someone else a “fucking douchebag.”

Back on Stonerboat, Tyler is officially dead at this point. He leaves most of the work for the two goofy dudes in the back, and instead they eat strawberries while making stupid faces for the camera.



The next scene has the Hot Tuna talking about, you guessed it, needing a fish. As they get one on their hook, the delightfully rotund captain runs over while trying to hike up his pants, but fails and NatGeo has to blur the resulting plumber’s crack.

Pride of the Gloucester fleet, right here.

Pride of the Gloucester fleet, right here.

Back on the tuna.com, I hear another “we could really use this fish!” Are you shitting me? You made 100,000 this season already. This is getting a bit out of hand. Stop saying that. Stop. Everybody.

Stonerboat is at the dock and Tyler has chest pains, which I’m pretty sure one of the deckhands describes as “gnar.” So they wheel him off in a little cart to bring him to get it checked out.

Toot toot!

Toot toot!

The episode ends with some fish catching, chain smoking, and exclamations of “needing this fish.” There’s one more week of the season, and then I’m on to the special “Wicked Tuna: North vs South” thing whatever the hell that is. Ugh. Can I recap like, Jeopardy instead?