KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: North vs South, “Were not in Gloucester Anymore”

Oh god we’re back again with more crapisodes of Wicked Tuna: North vs South. Look how excited I am about having to watch another hour of people yelling and catching big fish. You can’t actually look because I’m behind a computer screen, but I’m feigning intense excitement. Trust me on this.

This episode, first of all, is missing an apostrophe in the episode title, but I guess probably no one watching the show seriously noticed or cared. I cared, because I’m pedantic as hell.

Grammar: How Does It Work?

Grammar: How Does It Work?


We’re on day 7 of this hot dumpster fire of a reality show, and the narrator alerts us that Fishin’ Frenzy is in the lead with 4 fish. Hooray! I don’t care.

If you’re wondering if I’m being melodramatic about how boring this show is, the Captain of the Fishing Frenzy just said, “We’ve heard reports that it’s going to get windy later, so we’re heading out early to cross the inlet before it gets rough.” This is the exciting and dramatic foreshadowing this show has. Guhhhhh. I think this is the boat where the insane guy shot at the water. Oh yeah, it definitely has the whooping, hollering, crazy Southern dude trope going on. See exhibit A:

chillax bro r u serius

chillax bro r u serius

Over on Stonerboat, there’s some general grousing about how they haven’t caught anything, and some just-rolled-out-of-bed looks going on. They go through the INLET OF DEATH APPARENTLY and some dramatic music happens and they hit waves that Tyler describes as “gnar-gnar.” Dave Marciano almost fails at actually steering his boat through the DEATH INLET.

One of the Southern boats, I think Camoboat, reels two fish at once. I know this because Boomhauer tells me.



At nearly 12 minutes into the episode, the boat highest on the leaderboard by several thousand dollars yells “we need this fish!” Oh my god, seriously? You literally caught all the fish. How do you need more? Stop. Enough. they end up having no fish. Pretty much no one in this episode is catching fish. Damn, you guys suck at your jobs this week.

One of the captains is all “This is one of the most stressful times of my life!” Really? Really? Dude I assure you there are many more stressful things in life than fishing. I know a lot of money goes into it, but damn that’s some melodrama.

And then they drop “don’t be a pussy.” Really? Ugh, this show. I literally have to drink a beer to get through it. They catch a fish. It’s “buttery.” Wut.

Dave Marciano and the other Gloucester boats stay out in a gale overnight. “We do this all the time in Glosta, but this isn’t Glosta!” and so on. They apparently all survive, but then CamoBoat has issues with waves and almost dying.

I see nothing!

I see nothing!

It actually does appear to be quite crappy weather. I get a little seasick just watching the Hard Merchandise, which looks like it’s made out of scrap lumber in the first place, pitch violently in the water. It doesn’t look like they’re wearing life jackets either, which makes my inner momvoice so angry. WHY DO YOU DO THIS I DONT CARE IF IT RESTRICTS YOUR MOVEMENT. You know what else restricts your movement? Being dead. Do they really not wear them? They should wear them. I wear one kayaking in knee-deep water in Plum Cove. Shut up, I like to be safe.

Dave and his wingman Jason reel a fish. I like Jason, because he talks like he is CONSTANTLY USING CAPS LOCK. His voice must hurt every night. I don’t think he’s ever not yelled a line of dialogue in this entire series. He’s intense, I like his style. You turn it up to 11, don’t let anyone stop you!

Anyway they catch the fish, the Pinwheel catches a fish, then the Hot Tuna catches one as well. Speaking of Hot Tuna, is anyone going to have an intervention re: TJ’s hair?

Don't hog all the hair in town, save some for the rest of us.

Don’t hog all the hair in town, save some for the rest of us.

Anyway the episode ends there after everybody from Gloucester makes money. Nobody even wrecks their boat like the trailer led me to believe. Ugh, false advertising.

There you go, now you don’t have to watch it. Or watch and laugh along with me. Until next time, I’m out!





Wicked Tuna Recap: The Season Finale, Finally.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s finally here. I have finally reached the last episode of Wicked Tuna and am here to recap it for you (my previous recaps are here). I mean, after this, I still have to do the North Vs. South which I’ve been seeing commercials for during things I actually enjoy watching, like Going Deep with David Rees. Spoiler alert: They still “really need this fish”.

We start off with a tranquil sunrise and Paul Hebert saying “It’s so free out here, living off the wilderness, you know?” No, I don’t. The wilderness? Like you can just set a rabbit trap and live off furs and shit in the winter like some Little House on the Prairie shit? I’m pretty sure you’re living off hot dogs and Budweiser.

He probably subsists mostly on folksy colloquialisms.

He probably subsists mostly on folksy colloquialisms.


The Sambvca (because why not name your boat after the grossest liquor ever) reels a fish, and they struggle with it and as the show goes to commercial, he yells “this fish will die tonight!” and then laughs in an oddly maniacal and yet manic fashion. I’m scared. Hold me, Clampadres.

So far I’ve seen like 3 slow motion seagulls this episode. They really saved up all their best slow-motion seagull footage for the finale. You can tell this is not made for an audience of seafaring folks, because most of us are not huge fans of seagulls. Listen, birds are beautiful, and I even like pigeons, but holy shit, seagulls are awful. I saw one take off with an entire bag of popcorn a few weeks ago at Plum Cove. They’ll shit on you with reckless abandon. They will congregate loudly outside your window when you’re on a fucking conference call. They’re the douchebags of the avian world.

We move on to some super contrived back and forth between Tyler from Stonerboat and TJ/TJ’s dad from Hot Tuna, where apparently Tyler had worked before. That makes sense. Anyway, it’s a magical thing. “ENJOY YA WINTAH!” “YOU’RE A LOSAH!” Pretty much everything that my neighbors yell into the street on a daily basis.

And 8:22 into it, back on the Sambvca, I hear my first “WE NEED THIS FISH!” I just chugged my beer. That’s the game. It has to be a game. Or I won’t make it through another 35 minutes. At 11:22, Paul’s long-suffering older brother says, again. “We need this fish.” About the same fish. Double chug my beer.

This fish is taking forever to catch, but they finally nail it, while poor Dave from the Hard Merchandise looks on, puffing on a cigarette and wearing the same hoodie he’s worn this entire season. This guy’s had a rough year, what with the boat sinking and me giving him a hard time for never being seen without a cigarette. I do hope ol’ smoky-lungs catches one this episode so he can snap out of his funk. Has this guy ever smiled? If I had the choice of a night out at the bar with Dave Marciano or a sack of overcooked rice pilaf, I think the rice might be a bit more lively and upbeat.

Cheer up! There's always cigarettes.

Cheer up! There’s always cigarettes.

The Sambvca gets $14k for that one fish they apparently really needed. I’m pretty sure everyone really needs that kinda money in this town, but hey, whatever.

Finally the Hard Merchandise gets a fish. One of the boat dudes is all “IT’S A WICKED SCREAMAH!” And I have to hold back from yelling “So’s your mom!” And then, two minutes later, “WE NEED THIS FISH!” I crack open another beer. This may be a long night.

And then, glory of all glories, a shirtless Paul Hebert appears in the background of a shot. Oh, my word. This is why I’m in this, folks, for gems like this.

The magic happened, folks.

The magic happened.

The Hard Merchandise explains that they “really need” the fish they end up catching. Twice. I am inebriated at this point.

There’s this super fast “who’s gonna catch the fish!” thing where the camera cuts between 4 boats in like 6 seconds. Some people catch the fish. They needed the fish!

But not the Pinwheel, they haven’t caught a fish. Tyler is sad. Here is Tyler. I like beer.

This is the face of a man out of snacks.

This is the face of a man out of snacks.

Of course, they catch a fish. So does The Tuna.com. I swear, after this is over, I will hear “SANDRO! SANDRO NEUTRAAL!” in my nightmares for months.

I actually feel really bad for the Pinwheel at this point. Their line snaps, they are out of luck, and then everybody like calls them up and makes fun of them.

The show ends with some melodramatic TALKING FROM CAPTAINS about what this year meant to them, and then Tyler steams off down to the south to segue to the spinoff I now have to watch.

It’s been real this season. They’re filming the next season as we speak (literally, I can hear the helicopters ugh).

Tune in sometime soon for WICKED TUNA: NORTH VS SOUTH VS KT.





KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: The Mighty Bite

Oh lordy tuna, we’re back with another recap of everyone’s favorite show involving Gloucester. This week starts off with the DRAMATIC EXCLAMATION that there’s JUST TWO WEEKS LEFT so SHIT’S GONNA GET REEL, SON. See what I did there? A goddamn fishing pun. That’s how low I stooped just then.

The show flashes to a shot of the Hard Merchandise preparing for Operation Fish While Inhaling from a Marlboro Red, which includes using something called the Chum Cutter. Like a bagel slicer, but for stank fish.

There are no words for this invention.

There are no words for this invention.

Captain Marciano has also awoken me to the fact that apparently the plural of “bait” is actually “baits.” Who knew? Anywho, he’s all up early as shit to get more fishing in. I can’t even be bothered to get up before 6 to ride my bike this summer, so more power to the guy.  They end up hooking a fish, and Dave yells, “This could be what we’re waiting for!” A fish, yes, that’s what your job is, to catch them. I feel like he wakes up in the morning to a note next to his bed he wrote the night before that says “Dear Captain Marciano: Today you catch fish because that is your job. Your boat is at the Marina. The chum cutter is in the dishwasher. Smokes are in your Angelica Fisheries hoodie, like usual.”

The fish ends up being a shark (which is not actually a tuna, fair warning to those following along at home), and Dave smokes introspectively while lamenting his luck. I actually feel bad, since he’s had kind of a rough year since his fucking boat sank at the Marine Railways and that is always a week-ruiner.

Flick your cigarette, you're gonna burn your dang crotch!

Flick your cigarette, you’re gonna burn your dang crotch!


The Hot Tuna decides to go to Ipswich Bay because they’ve had luck there (also close proximity to JT Farnham’s, naturally. A man’s gotta eat). They get there and there’s like 50 other boats and they’re pissed. I didn’t even know tuna existed that close to here, so I have learned a thing. I thought Ipswich Bay was for lobsters and white tourists with boat shoes and sweaters tied around their necks.

It's like when everybody wears the same dress to a party.  A tuna party.

It’s like when everybody wears the same dress to a party. A tuna party.

AWW YISS Stonerboat is back! Our favorite blazed as a kite captain is sick and looks like death warmed over, but he knows he really biffed it this season so he wants to fish as much as he can to not lose quite as hard. I feel for the kid, being an outsider in Gloucester is tough, and he kinda was a bit of a douchebag which I’m sure didn’t help matters. His ragtag team of adorable, floppy haired frat brothers help him out with the beep-beep fish machine thing since he’s sick.

In a single two-second stretch, Tyler knocks over a nudie calendar that has to be blurred out, and then his boatmates are wandering around hands-deep in a box of Cheezits, with Bob Marley crap all over the walls. This is legit the best thing about this show.

Ruh-roh Shaggy! We're low on Scooby Snacks.

Ruh-roh Shaggy! We’re low on Scooby Snacks.

Anyway I’m not one to judge, since I literally have my hand in the exact same box of cheezits with the cartoon cheeses (cheezes?) drawn on the back of it. And then, nine minutes into the episode, I hear my first “We really need a fish here, BAD.” If I was not in charge of a retail establishment at this very moment (clearly working ever so hard), I would pour myself a shot. Tyler then refers to the captain of the Hot Tuna as “Tubby Tuna.” Shots fired across the bow!

Hebertboatbort returns to shore with a $14k fish, which puts them in 2nd place under the boat that fired him last year or the year before, whichever, I didn’t watch. So the whole point of this show, I guess, is that you win when you make the most money. This boat was run by a loudmouth and his browbeaten older brother and was in last place the whole season, so now I assume more lovable loudmouthery will take place. I mean, this is Gloucester so that’s kinda how we roll.

Over on the HMS Tunafore, they catch a fish but some other boat decides to drag by very slowly like 10 feet away from them when they have the entire fucking ocean in which to do this, so Dave is angry. Seriously it’s like camping in the empty woods and then some dipshit sets up right fucking next to you. They lose the $10k fish because this giant net from the other boat is in the way, and Dave goes and confronts the dude. Dave is kind of soft-spoken and pleasant mannered, so it’s refreshing to see him call someone else a “fucking douchebag.”

Back on Stonerboat, Tyler is officially dead at this point. He leaves most of the work for the two goofy dudes in the back, and instead they eat strawberries while making stupid faces for the camera.



The next scene has the Hot Tuna talking about, you guessed it, needing a fish. As they get one on their hook, the delightfully rotund captain runs over while trying to hike up his pants, but fails and NatGeo has to blur the resulting plumber’s crack.

Pride of the Gloucester fleet, right here.

Pride of the Gloucester fleet, right here.

Back on the tuna.com, I hear another “we could really use this fish!” Are you shitting me? You made 100,000 this season already. This is getting a bit out of hand. Stop saying that. Stop. Everybody.

Stonerboat is at the dock and Tyler has chest pains, which I’m pretty sure one of the deckhands describes as “gnar.” So they wheel him off in a little cart to bring him to get it checked out.

Toot toot!

Toot toot!

The episode ends with some fish catching, chain smoking, and exclamations of “needing this fish.” There’s one more week of the season, and then I’m on to the special “Wicked Tuna: North vs South” thing whatever the hell that is. Ugh. Can I recap like, Jeopardy instead?


Wicked Tuna Recap – “Sharks and Recreation”

Oh, boy! We’re back with another episode of KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap. If you’re new to this, I have no idea how to fish, so I figured recapping this show would be an eye-opening look into the fishing industry. Mostly, though, I’ve learned it just involves a lot of yelling.

On this episode, the narrator tells us there’s only three weeks left to fish, so the yelling will probably get more intense. I mean, he doesn’t say that second part, I just assume it.

Over on HebertBoat (Are we down with calling it Hebort? I want to be), they hook a fish but the shifter cable that lets them drive the boat from outside breaks, so they have to drive from inside. If you guessed this involved more yelling than usual, you’d be right! They get a big fish and then in true fashion, post pictures all over the internet (#fishselfie) Dave C from the Tuna.com is all “that’s poor Captaining!” which I would normally say isn’t a word but I’d totally use that word, so carry on.



Hot Tuna is out at night catching herring, which hasn’t really been explained to me before but now makes sense. Also, every time they catch a herring and accidentally drop it on the deck, the rottweiler eats it. The Hot Tuna is edging into “KT’s Fave Boat” category over the Pinwheel just because of the cute dog alone. They get a random late-night bite (do Tunas have fourthmeal?) and it ends up being a thresher shark, which I guess are the shitbags of the sea, since they can injure you pretty bad and whatnot. The Hot Tuna Doods screech wildly and flail their arms in response, and the dog bravely goes to investigate and almost gets walloped in the process.


Ryan, deckhand of the Hot Tuna, explains that he won’t eat the caught shark. “We have a pact, I don’t eat them, they don’t eat me. So far so good.” GLAD YOU TRUST THEM BROTATO CHIP BUT THEY’D EAT YOU GIVEN THE CHANCE. SHARKS ARE NATURE’S JERKS.



Hold on to your Marlboro Lights, folks, over on the Hard Merchandise they’ve got a fish! Everyone on this reality show has really upped the scream level in the past few weeks. Now everybody’s just randomly yelling whenever they can, like it’s a 5 year old’s birthday party. THE FISH IS UNDER THE BOAT! LET’S SCREAM! IT’S NO LONGER UNDER THE BOAT! YELL MORE! “We need this fish!” If you’re following along at home, I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to take a shot every time they say they need the fish. Of course, saying that means you don’t get the fish, and they get 99.99% done and then the line breaks. Dang.

Meanwhile, on Hebort, Paul is looking at the woes of the Hard Merchandise through binoculars and laughing manically. Dude, douche move. Pretty sure the sea god is gonna fuck you up for that. Like Poseidon or whoever, I don’t know, I’m a fucking atheist.

The shark that the Hot Tuna caught gets shared with Dave and the Hard Merchandise, because I guess last year one of them caught him right in the nipple, so he wanted his revenge. Nipple revenge. Dave is psyched for the freebie shark steaks. “It’s like the veal cutlet of the sea!” I’ll be sure to get that next time I send visiting elderly family members to the Gloucester House for 4PM Friday dinner.

Reenacting Nipplegate: Ocean Edition.

Reenacting Nipplegate: Ocean Edition.

The Tuna.Com is delighting in the cooking of blueberry pancakes when they get a bite on their line. For the first time in awhile watching this show, I audibly chuckled at three grown men running around on a slippery ship deck while simultaneously trying to hold pancake mix and fish.

Tuna pancakes was my nickname in high school.

Tuna pancakes was my nickname in high school.

They catch the fish, and probably make new pancakes that taste less like floor. The Hot Tuna catches a fish, there’s a ton of yelling and barking, some water, and oh god is this over yet? Oh, it is, but not before a cheesy part where the Heberts show up at Bass Pro Shops in this totally staged advertising bit. Faaaantastic. Time for a beer.

Wicked Tuna Recap – “Bad Blood

We’re back with another episode of Wicked Tuna, aka “The Yell n Reel Fish Jamboroo”.  If you’re unfamiliar with the blog, I recap episodes of Wicked Tuna (far behind when they actually aired, mind you) from the lens of someone who has never been fishing and understands none of the intricate plot of this show. I lied, there’s no intricate plot. Let’s see what the sea can cough up this week, shall we?

We start off with Stonerboat, my favorite. Immediately, there’s a flashback to last year when Stonerboat Captain Tyler filled up a water balloon and beefed some other guy in the back of the head with it from like 200 feet. While the guy was inside his own boat’s wheelhouse. Across open ocean. Why the fuck is this guy fishing for a living and not a goddamn Army sniper? Anyway I enjoy this, because this is the shit I would do if anyone let me out on the open ocean. So naturally the dude in the other boat got really steamed about being donked in the dome, and pushed Tyler, who was naturally barefoot at the time are we even surprised. This year, every time they see him they pelt him with water balloons, which makes my inner 12 year old super stoked.



The other boat’s captain, whose name is Ralph or Chunk or something, calls them “a bunch of rich kids on Adderall”, which is honestly the best plotline this show has so maybe just roll with it, oceanfolk.

It seems like everyone’s in comedy mode, because over in some other part of the ocean, the Hot Tuna goes up alongside the Dot Com and gives one of the deckhands crap for wearing camouflage Grundens. “Are you elk hunting? Are you afraid the tuna will see you?” Sick burn from a guy with the same haircut as Raggedy Ann.


Like the ocean equivalent of yelling at your friend across the street.

Like the ocean equivalent of yelling at your friend across the street.


Over on the Hebertboat (Can we call it Hebort?), Paul announces that “ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!” and what happens is that they catch a fish while the Dot Com looks on – the boat who fired him last year. It’s at that point I notice that Garon Mailman, the dude with the awesome name on the Dot Com, has a hat that’s embroidered with “Mailman Delivers.” I see what you did there. However, the Dot Com doesn’t deliver and loses a tuna in some lobster gear. WHY ARE YOU SO CLOSE TO LOBSTER GEAR THE OCEAN IS VAST LAST TIME I CHECKED MAYBE START FISHING LIKE AN EXTRA HUNDRED YARDS AWAY GUYS GOSH.

On the Hot Tuna, more people describe why they hate the Pinwheel (probably a backstory involving a misplaced bong or a stolen case of Cheezits).  Both boats simultaneously (according to editing, anyway) catch a fish, and everybody throws down their Cool Ranch Doritos Now With 30% More Free and reels like there’s no tomorrow. And then both boats realized they’ve actually caught a shark instead, and they crack open a Natty Light in solace.

The dog was the first to realize it wasn't a tuna.

The dog was the first to realize it wasn’t a tuna.


Back on Hebort, the brothers are really shitting on poor Junior, the deckhand dude, because he missed a harpoon shot and isn’t driving the boat in the precise manner they are screaming towards him. You think? They’re screaming “Don’t fuck this up!” I would have just dropped them both in the ocean and powered home with my middle fingers to the wind, but that’s why I don’t fish for a living. Or have a boss.  But they get the stupid giant fish and all goes well.




The next segment is the Dot Com catching a fish, which is too boring to possibly recap so I won’t even bother. The Hard Merchandise gets one right as Dave is lighting his seventh cigarette of the morning, the Hot Tuna’s adorable dog starts eating bait fish, and Stonerboat, out of ideas, settles on a “Flying V” formation of throwing bait (I am dead serious). More shit is talked. The episode ends, and I can live my life again.

Until next time,  KTuna signing off.