An Imagined Speech from Red Squadron Leader on Hoth, out by the Transports

Hey, guys? Guys, form back up. Get back in formation for a second, OK?

Hobbie, what the Hell was that? Don’t look stupid you know exactly what I’m talking about. The whole, “Two fighters against a Star Destroyer?” outburst in the middle of the the Princesses’ briefing.

Oh, man I could so punch you in the face right now, Hobie. And get a haircut.

Oh, man I could so punch you in the face right now, Hobie. And get a haircut.

It’s not just you, Hobbie, it’s all of you. You guys’ meeting behavior is terrible.

I know it’s a stressful time and the AT-ATs have just blown up the power generators and everything, but we have to deal with this now otherwise it’s just going to get worse and you all know I’m a big believer in dealing with problems as they come up.

So what the fuck was that, Hobbie? What the fuck? Princess Leia is A) my boss, B) all of our boss and C) a member of the royal fucking family. You don’t go interrupting her in the middle of a briefing when she’s trying to evacuate the whole frikin base with some bitchy little comment. You don’t think she has better shit to do than come out here to the hangar and explain how to escort a transport to you idiots?

And it was a stupid question. I know I said there are no stupid questions but that was, actually stupid. You didn’t remember we have a fucking ion cannon? You don’t ever look down during training flights and think, “Hey, shit, I wonder what that giant round ball WITH THE HUGE FUCKING GUN STICKING OF THE MIDDLE OF IT might be?” You don’t assume this piece of surface-to-orbit weaponry will factor into the evacuation somehow? You can’t just wait till the end of the briefing to find out what the whole plan is rather than get all snippy with the goddamned leader of the entire Rebel Alliance?

Does this look familiar to anyone?

Does this look familiar to anyone?

If this wasn’t an emergency she’d have busted you down to Assistant Tauntaun Groom Third Class on the spot and I would have processed the paperwork.

And you know what else, you assholes? This is a military operation not some rich boy flying club on Coruscant. If she tells you or I tell you or anybody of a superior rank tells you to go up against the Executor herself in a first generation Y-Wing with one engine pod and no droid, YOU FUCKING DO IT ion cannon or no. Got me? This is a war, remember?

And I’m so mad right now because this isn’t the first time. You were total dicks to beardguy on Yavin when he was telling us about the Death Star attack he’d figured out. Yeah, it seemed pretty implausible to me at the time too, but you have to admit it fucking worked, right? And you were all, “Two meters is impossible blah, blah, blah” and some fucking farm kid from The Eastern Spiral Arm of a Banta’s Asshole goes out there, has never even been in a dogfight before, and he blows the fucking thing up first shot.

One week later he's showing you how to fly the most advanced fighter we have.

Vroom! One week later he’s kicking all of your asses

Did any one of you remember that considering some piece of shit like a T-Sixteen can bullseye a wamp rat you supposedly highly-trained ostensibly cream-of-the-crop space-pilots in advanced fighters should be able to hit a freaking exhaust port? Did it cross your minds that even though it sounded a little nuts, this was the best option we had considering we were up against a planet ass-fucking Death Star? No?

You did not consider that, apparently. That is why most of the squadron got wiped out. I figured that would knock some sense into your heads, but no. Apparently you cannot learn on your own so I am going to have to tell you.

Ok. Here goes: You want to know why Farm Boy became the hero? Because Farm Boy listened. Farm boy didn’t interrupt when people were talking. He applied his folksy pluck or whatever the hell it is they have out there in the sticks to the problem and blamo! Next thing you know the Princess is hanging a medal the size of a dewback turd around his neck and two days later they announce in the Officer’s Bulletin he’s a fucking Squadron Commander while those of us who have been slaving away for years with you half-wit Gungans are still waiting for a promotion.

Man I’m pissed off right now. Oh yeah. You know what else? This is why some vest-wearing yahoo who hangs around with a Wookiee keeps showing you guys up. In a freighter.In a fucking freighter. Think about that.

You guys are outclassed by a ship with a permanent board game station

You guys are outclassed by a ship with a permanent board game station

Dismissed.

Go Vote Now!

The Clam is delaying posting today’s humorous piece by Brooke Welty until we feel we’ve berated enough of you to go vote in today’s primary.

So go do that. Polls open at 7.

polling locations:

Ward 1 Precinct 1                                        Ward 1 Precinct 2

East Gloucester Elementary School            Veterans Memorial School
8 Davis Street Extension                               11 Webster Street

Ward 2 Precinct 1                                   Ward 2 Precinct 2
Our Lady’s Youth Center                                Our Lady’s Youth Center
140 Prospect Street                                      140 Prospect Street
(Changed from McPherson Park
to Our Lady’s Youth Center
on 10/01/2012)

Ward 3 Precinct 1                                      Ward 3 Precinct 2
Gloucester HIgh School Field House         Gloucester High School Field House
36 Leslie O’Johnson Rd                                36 Leslie O’Johnson Rd
please note  above is a WARD 3 Polling location change as of July 2014


Ward 4 Precinct 1                                   Ward 4 Precinct 2
Beeman Memorial School                          Lanesville Community Center
138 Cherry Street                                         8 Vulcan Street

Ward 5 Precinct 1                                   Ward 5 Precinct 2
Magnolia Library Center                           Magnolia LIbrary Center
1 Lexington Avenue                                     1 Lexington Ave
above is a 5-2 location change 
                                                                            as of July 2014

Vote, humans. Or the robots will elect an electro-president who will destroy us all.

Vote, humans. Or the robots will elect an electro-president who will destroy us all.

The Gloucester Clam’s Beach Awards

The kids are back in school, the tourists are noticeably fewer, and it’s the end of beachgoing season, almost. While we mourn another amazing summer on our island, we figured we’d have a little awards ceremony for our beaches. So many are worthy!

The Gloucester Clam’s 2014 Beach Awards Winners Are:

Best beach for cutting your feet: Plum Cove

 

Best beach for picking up a used syringe: Half Moon

 

Best beach for the faint smell of raw sewage: Pavilion

 

Best beach for after hour man pick-ups: Annisquam Light

 

Best beach for watching a family of assholes surreptitiously leave their litter behind: Good Harbor

 

Best beach for occasional rancid whale parts: Long Beach

 

Best beach for seeing soiled diapers: Niles

 

Best beach for experiencing that rotten dead fish smell: Braces

 

Best beach for having someone expose themselves in public: Wingaersheek

Best beach for almost getting run over by some asshole on a speedboat on your way there: Ten Pound Island.

No Snark Sunday: What the Hell, Moulton?

As if you couldn’t tell by the approximately one trillion phone calls and door knocks, it’s political season. It’s probably not a surprise to hear we at The Clam tend toward the lefty side of things, especially since the “Hey guys, how about a considered approach to market-based health care?” section of the GOP all suddenly melted down into a slag pile of crazy that has come to define the once reasonable opposition. (Don’t believe me? Go to the Gloucester GOP website where they tell you Martin Luther King- who campaigned for LBJ- was a Republican).

I’m a huge fan of fantasy worlds, I just like mine to involve dragons and hot zeppelin-pirate babes in leather corsets.

Still closer to reality than Glenn Beck

Still closer to reality than Glenn Beck

Speaking of fantasy worlds what the hell is going on with Seth Moulton? I always thought he was pretty cool, but did he suddenly decide to go all crazytown? I’ve met Tierney a bunch of times and yes, he’s a pure politician but Moulton is making him out to be Stalin’s evil twin. Get a grip, Moulton.

Yeah, sorta

Yeah, sorta

Clamtributor Josh Turiel, who besides being an actual politician, is also our Salem, Wrestling and Technology correspondent wrote something pretty great on FaceBook about the Moulton/Tierney deal, so here it is:

And now, in time for the weekend, my take on the MA-6 congressional race (picking my head up from a busy morning of work, despite being home):

The TL:DR version – yes, I’m again voting for John Tierney for Congress.

Now, the reason why…

I’ve been in politics for a little over 3 years, from when I first pulled papers to run until today. I’ve had dealings with Tierney and his staff. All have been helpful, professional, and able to work to resolve problems that constituents have had. And more importantly happy to work. I know he’s been able to help many of my colleagues as well. I know that the popular yardstick that is used against him is “how many bills has he passed?” Well, that doesn’t matter too much. We don’t elect Congressmen to pass bills. We elect them to serve their district and the interests of the 600k+ people in it. I’d also like to point out that the minority doesn’t pass bills anymore. Once upon a time bills were filed and passed on a shifting coalition that had shared interests across party lines. Those days, sadly, are gone. Tierney is a partisan member of the minority party. If you want someone who will pass bills, you can either elect Republicans or you can elect more Democrats. Both options appeal to some of my friends and readers. But replacing an 18-year Congressman who remains effective on behalf of his district is not going to help our district any.

That said, let me speak to the leading opponent. When Seth Moulton first talked about running for Congress 2 years ago (as an independent) he was interesting. And when he announced that he would run this time, and run as a Democrat, I said to myself “Nice. Young guy, just came back home, and is positioning himself to be “the guy who replaces the guy”. I expected he’d run a strong, positive campaign and position himself to be the eventual replacement – whether it’s in another term or so or if Tierney loses the Tisei rematch.

That wasn’t what we got, though. Moulton went on the attack from the beginning and has been relentlessly negative throughout. He’s routinely spread BS (missing 300 votes? Sure, but that actually means that over 18 years he’s made about 98% of all possible votes – which is pretty damn good attendance). This week, finally, a Tierney mailer went on the attack back at him (and it’s also distorted, as most attacks are) and Moulton’s whine in response was just sad.

I also have vivid memories of early candidate Moulton and his appearance before the SSU Democrats this past winter. In his speech, he kept hitting on the theme that when he served in Iraq, Congress let the troops down. So one attendee (I won’t name him here even though most of you know the story and who the person was) called him out on it politely and said “How did Congressman Tierney let the troops down? It was a Republican-led Congress, Tierney personally voted against the Iraq War, and then voted in favor of every appropriation that was requested for the military.”

Moulton was visibly red-faced and angry when he engaged and got into the attendee’s face stating “they should have done more!”. It wasn’t a confrontational question, folks. You should be able to handle it better.

That all said, I’ve had non-business conversations plenty of times over the last few years with Tierney (and his wife as well). Yes, he’s a pol. He’s also a person who I’m pretty comfortable around, and I can talk to him about non-business things and not feel like I need to run for the exits. I’m not going to get into Patrice’s brothers. We all know that tale, and it’s been in courts and in the Ethics Committee already.

The bottom line for me is that I believe that John Tierney remains effective in the job of representing us in Congress, and I think he deserves to continue doing so. Until this election began to play out I had believed that Seth Moulton might turn out to be a worthy successor down the road an election or two. I no longer believe that.

Thanks, Josh. We’re going to have more on the election once we get past the primary. Oh, and we’re disabling the comments for political stuff. I know that seems “anti freedom” or whatever, but I’ll be honest here: I really don’t want to have a discussion, I want to give a point of view. It may not be one you believe, care about or respect, but it is a point of view.

A bunch of people yelling shit at each other doesn’t help people create informed viewpoints. And I have always said that I would burn the comments section to the ground before letting it get like the fever swamps that are the other Cape Ann comment sections, save Joey C who wisely approves his comments. So, if you want to yell at people go to Cape Ann Online or something. What we have here today is a reasonable opinion from a knowledgable person and we want it to stand alone.

Suck it, Internet.