An Imagined Speech from Red Squadron Leader on Hoth, out by the Transports

Hey, guys? Guys, form back up. Get back in formation for a second, OK?

Hobbie, what the Hell was that? Don’t look stupid you know exactly what I’m talking about. The whole, “Two fighters against a Star Destroyer?” outburst in the middle of the the Princesses’ briefing.

Oh, man I could so punch you in the face right now, Hobie. And get a haircut.

Oh, man I could so punch you in the face right now, Hobie. And get a haircut.

It’s not just you, Hobbie, it’s all of you. You guys’ meeting behavior is terrible.

I know it’s a stressful time and the AT-ATs have just blown up the power generators and everything, but we have to deal with this now otherwise it’s just going to get worse and you all know I’m a big believer in dealing with problems as they come up.

So what the fuck was that, Hobbie? What the fuck? Princess Leia is A) my boss, B) all of our boss and C) a member of the royal fucking family. You don’t go interrupting her in the middle of a briefing when she’s trying to evacuate the whole frikin base with some bitchy little comment. You don’t think she has better shit to do than come out here to the hangar and explain how to escort a transport to you idiots?

And it was a stupid question. I know I said there are no stupid questions but that was, actually stupid. You didn’t remember we have a fucking ion cannon? You don’t ever look down during training flights and think, “Hey, shit, I wonder what that giant round ball WITH THE HUGE FUCKING GUN STICKING OF THE MIDDLE OF IT might be?” You don’t assume this piece of surface-to-orbit weaponry will factor into the evacuation somehow? You can’t just wait till the end of the briefing to find out what the whole plan is rather than get all snippy with the goddamned leader of the entire Rebel Alliance?

Does this look familiar to anyone?

Does this look familiar to anyone?

If this wasn’t an emergency she’d have busted you down to Assistant Tauntaun Groom Third Class on the spot and I would have processed the paperwork.

And you know what else, you assholes? This is a military operation not some rich boy flying club on Coruscant. If she tells you or I tell you or anybody of a superior rank tells you to go up against the Executor herself in a first generation Y-Wing with one engine pod and no droid, YOU FUCKING DO IT ion cannon or no. Got me? This is a war, remember?

And I’m so mad right now because this isn’t the first time. You were total dicks to beardguy on Yavin when he was telling us about the Death Star attack he’d figured out. Yeah, it seemed pretty implausible to me at the time too, but you have to admit it fucking worked, right? And you were all, “Two meters is impossible blah, blah, blah” and some fucking farm kid from The Eastern Spiral Arm of a Banta’s Asshole goes out there, has never even been in a dogfight before, and he blows the fucking thing up first shot.

One week later he's showing you how to fly the most advanced fighter we have.

Vroom! One week later he’s kicking all of your asses

Did any one of you remember that considering some piece of shit like a T-Sixteen can bullseye a wamp rat you supposedly highly-trained ostensibly cream-of-the-crop space-pilots in advanced fighters should be able to hit a freaking exhaust port? Did it cross your minds that even though it sounded a little nuts, this was the best option we had considering we were up against a planet ass-fucking Death Star? No?

You did not consider that, apparently. That is why most of the squadron got wiped out. I figured that would knock some sense into your heads, but no. Apparently you cannot learn on your own so I am going to have to tell you.

Ok. Here goes: You want to know why Farm Boy became the hero? Because Farm Boy listened. Farm boy didn’t interrupt when people were talking. He applied his folksy pluck or whatever the hell it is they have out there in the sticks to the problem and blamo! Next thing you know the Princess is hanging a medal the size of a dewback turd around his neck and two days later they announce in the Officer’s Bulletin he’s a fucking Squadron Commander while those of us who have been slaving away for years with you half-wit Gungans are still waiting for a promotion.

Man I’m pissed off right now. Oh yeah. You know what else? This is why some vest-wearing yahoo who hangs around with a Wookiee keeps showing you guys up. In a freighter.In a fucking freighter. Think about that.

You guys are outclassed by a ship with a permanent board game station

You guys are outclassed by a ship with a permanent board game station


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  1. Thank you for the fun read, James, and thank you for changing the header on the site. The other one made me want to get a penicillin shot.

  2. It’s not like she was asking him to shoot down the Star Destroyer. That would have been a bit much. She just wanted him to step on the hyper propulsion and get the fuck out of the solar system.

  3. Pingback: An Imagined Conversation Aboard the Rebel Flagship, Briefing Room | The Clam

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