We came, we Saugus, we kicked ass

When we here at The Clam hear the complaints that Boston is unsuitable as an Olympic host city because of simple issues like “capacity” or “infrastructure”, we are filled with rage. Actually, we are filled with rage a lot, it’s a side effect of the steroids we’re take in anticipation for the 2024 Games where we hope to compete in the co-ed “Mixed Drone Offensive Freestyle.” It’s an activity we presume will be added to the summer games within the next five years. It involves crossbows, bungee cords, and quadcopters with razor-sharp titanium rotors.

And the stadium is on fire

Also the stadium is on fire

But when we unclench our jaws long enough to speak, we tell the doubters and the haters they are thinking too small. That there is already a place just waiting for the kind of special attention and infrastructure improvements the games can bring. And an internationally-themed Olympic headquarters sitting empty, begging for glorious purpose.

And they say Boston is provincial

And they say Boston is provincial

Of course we’re talking about Saugus.

How can one not think of the Wampanoag word for “Great” or “Extended” when one mentions the Olympics? The thing goes on forever and ⅔ of it is completely inscrutable. Racewalking and solo synchronized swimming are actually Olympic sports, so Saugus is just weird enough to be a fantastic host for some of the more “out there” events.

Here are just a few we hope to see when the games cross the Tobin, get stuck for an hour on the hill up to Kappys, and break out into the city of (neon) lights.

Rollerhockey

Official team vehicle (TM)

Official team vehicle (TM)

If the games are coming to Mass, there has to be street hockey. How could we not have street hockey? I guess we could play it up in that hockey rink they have on the hill there, but really it should be back on some of those oddball side streets where there is like one house still facing Route 1.

Mini Golf

I'm seeing mascot potential here!

I’m seeing mascot potential here!

How is this already not an official olympic sport? By 2024 there are going to be very few Americans who can walk a whole mile without a sit-down meal halfway though – this is just the natural progression. Speaking of out of shape “athletes”, it’s also good to know there are batting cages where the Olympic baseball team can get take a few swings before they get some fried dough. Also the arcade has Galaga.

Pole Dancing

Classy!

A fella can really get a Saugus in there

The Golden Banana, further up the Pike (it was once called that, shut up) offers a terrific venue for those sports where attractive, smiling people in leotards prance around. They have a stage, lighting, a sound system, intimate seating, a bar, dressing rooms, a back room with private washrooms…. We have heard.

Whatever we can think of to do at the Hill Top.

Maybe they could rename it "Dodgeball City"

Maybe they could rename it “Dodgeball City”

Competitive eating? Mechanical bull riding? A boxing match spurned on when one of the competitors backs into another’s Grand Marquis? No matter what event, even table tennis will be greatly enhanced by being held in a room called “Sioux City.”

Karaoke

How is it possible a supercriminal has not made this place his lair yet?

We’re amazed a supercriminal has not made this place his lair yet?

This, we’re predicting will be the signature event of the 2024 games. And no better place to hold it but Weylus! Can you imagine the pageantry? The sizzle? The dazzle? The zazzle, even? Yes, sure, some of those waterfalls have now begun to pump pure algae and the black mold spores in the carpets regularly kick anthrax spores’ weird little spore asses when spores get together at spore things, but still- it will be amazing. And we should end the whole event with a signature Saugus-only closing ceremony where we demolish the entire Saugus Olympic village and put in a Kohl’s.

Try and top that, Munich!

Josh Turiel Reports Live from 2024

[Keeping with Olympic Week here at the Clam, today’s Guest Blogger is Salem City Councilor Josh Turiel]

In hindsight, sure it seemed like a really good idea to hold the sailing events in Marblehead. After all, some of America’s most famed regattas are held each year in these waters. But we probably should have thought harder about the scalability of the Marblehead Harbor area and the fact that THERE’S NOPLACE AT ALL TO PARK AND THE ONLY WAY TO WATCH THE BOATS IS FROM YOUR OWN BOAT.

I mean, how were we to know that the Wicked Tuna cast, with no fish left in the ocean to catch, would instead try and operate booze cruises for would-be spectators? Who’d have expected the Hard Merchandise to sink AGAIN, but this time in the middle of the course? Shouldn’t wreck avoidance be a skill you need to display, anyhow? Nobody really anticipated this happening.

And it’s really not anyone’s fault that the sewage line between Marblehead and Salem never quite got repaired right. It’s just too bad that the crew of the winning Laser Radial class yacht had to get tetanus shots after their victory leaps into the ocean. But hey, all the people watching that finish from Salem’s Winter Island and Hawthorne Cove Marina really enjoyed the spectacle. None of us thought a person could jump out of the ocean like a porpoise, but they proved us wrong.

Some things went very smoothly, though. It was really great that the folks up in Gloucester were willing to postpone Fiesta in order to sync up with the Olympics. Not only were we able to use the Greasy Pole as a very convenient landmark for the longest open water sailing events (giving us a reason to get some of the traffic out of Marblehead Harbor), but including Drunken 2AM Combat as an exhibition sport gave us not only our first local gold medal won by Shaw’s bagger and deckhand Justin Vergapalooza, Jr. – and I think it was the first step towards bringing MMA to the Olympics down the road. At the same time, perhaps Skee-Ball has a future in 2028?

In the end, though, the most amazing thing about the Olympic yachting events was that they were able to hold them at all. Given our roads and cabling infrastructure, most of us were sure that the boats would all get stuck by the time they were hauled off the Lynnway. Kudos to event planners for spending the $1.3 billion to bury the utility wires in Swampscott and Marblehead. We never would have gotten there without your sacrifice.

And it was fortunate that only a handful of sailors were stranded on Tinkers Island. Those tide charts can be finicky. Good thing there weren’t more strandings – the island has no plumbing.

Clam Olympics Week: Opening Ceremony!

Since we’re dedicating this week as Olympics Week after the news that Boston has been chosen as America’s Olympic bid for Summer 2024, let’s talk about one of the coolest things about the Olympics: The Opening Ceremony. It’s a hella expensive ($100 million for Beijing in 2008), over-the top, bombastic event. So of course, Boston would have to go all-out for it, because we are wicked fahkin’ good at over-the-top, guy.  Here’s some ideas for the perfect Boston 2024 Opening Ceremony:

– A ramp is built into the temporary stadium so a Green Line car can jump a line of duckboats, go through a ring of fire, and land in the middle of the stadium. Unfortunately, it stops for sixty seconds at the bottom of the ramp due to signaling issues and a possible track fire at Copley.

– Matt Damon will star as Paul Revere, with Ben Affleck as his horse, in a dramatic live re-enactment of his Midnight Ride while “More than a Feeling” is played by the Boston Symphony Orchestra.

– There will be a 5-minute long video tribute to Mr. Butch.

– A portion of the artistic program will be dance troupes doing a synchronized jaywalking routine across a scale copy of Commonwealth Ave at BU, while cars approach at breakneck speed. (Memo: see if insurance rider covers this kind of thing). It will be set to a Mighty Mighty Bosstones song. One of the good ones.

– There will be a segment dedicated to Boston’s local fixtures, who will appear live . For instance, that guy that hands out pamphlets about burning in hell, the kid who claims he needs to get to detox in Worcester one day, then claims he has to go visit his aunt in Fitchburg the next, and Keytar Bear.

I had to convince Jim that Keytar Bear was a real thing.

I had to convince Jim that Keytar Bear was a real thing.

– A ballet recreation of the 1994 Green Day Riot.

– Marky Mark. He doesn’t really have to do anything, just show up and maybe throw cheeseburgers into the crowd and try not to beat anybody.

–  Neil Diamond shows up late to play Sweet Caroline because someone moved the lawn chair he had reserving his spot on W. Broadway.

– You have to check the back of the Phoenix or call Mission Control to get the info on the afterparty.

 

 

 

 

The Gloucester Clam Presents: OLYMPIC WEEK!

Aloha, worldwide Clampetitors! Are you totes stoked for 2024, the year the Summer Olympics come to our fair city of Boston? Well you should be, because if current trends hold two things are guaranteed: Increasing polar ice melt will place much of the city known as “The Hub” under six feet of water, submerging the proposed Olympic stadium location as well as the majority of the transportation infrastructure; and, as local media outlets continue to fail at an increasing rate, the highly-profitable* Gloucester Clam stands to clean up on lucrative event coverage contracts!

Fun times all around!

We here in Clammedia Tower try and take the long view on things, remembering that nine years is a long time. A lot will have changed in nearly a decade. For instance, Steven Tyler will finally be able to sing the National Anthem as a well-dressed, elderly Italian lady, as his slow transformation will be fully complete by then.

Let's face it, he's pretty close.

Let’s face it, he’s pretty close.

Having the Olympics in Boston is a stellar plan that can really help us get our city on the map. I mean, who the hell is ever visiting Boston? No one, that’s who. Since we have so few important historic places or any notable hospitals, museums, or institutions of higher education, we could really use a boost in tourism from people across the globe who watch us on TV for a few weeks and then forget we exist. Stop whining, haters like No Boston Olympics, who keep bringing up stuff like “we will lose money” and “it will be a nightmare.”

First of all, we get a probably temporary stadium that will seat 60,000 obese Americans in the bowels of Southie. This is a great idea! World-class athletes can walk around and take in the character of South Boston. I mean, hopefully most of the summer Olympians are white and straight. Right? I’m sure it will be super easy to take apart afterwards and cause little to no disruption. Trust me, I watch Bob the Builder, I know thing or two. For instance, can we build it? Yes we can.

Can you imagine the Torch relay winding through Southie? It’ll be like St. Patrick’s day mashed up with the Marathon. On live TV at the Opening Ceremony, some 22 year old named Brandon will stumble into the middle of the street and vomit Bud Light.

Or this. Or this could happen.

Or this. Or this could happen.

Which brings us to our next point: THE MASCOT POSSIBILITIES. You’re damn right the Olympics have mascots. For instance, Sydney had Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat. Boston’s mascot should represent our deep-rooted traditions and history. Our marketing forces here at the Clam have come up with the perfect mascot to represent our people in 2024.

"Sully"

Joseph “Sully”Sullivan, Age 23.

Sully’s what we’re all about. He’s the everyman in mascot form. He’s an international finance major who can shotgun a tallboy of High Life and also explain in great detail how Claude Julien’s coaching system is still working. He’s been arrested a couple times for disorderly conduct, and he once peed onto the Pike from the Mass Ave overpass, but he’s not a bad dude. He likes Jay-Z and the Rolling Stones. His hobbies are golfing, going to the Cask N’ Flagon, and doing burnouts in his WRX. He’s been to two Eagles concerts and Ultra in Miami.

The captions write themselves.

The captions write themselves.

There’s no more relatable character that can tie into in our rich history of boating and Irish roots than Sully. He’s the perfect mascot. And best of all, Sully can be easily talked into performing at the opening ceremonies for a pony keg of Natty Ice and a portable Weber grill. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

Stay tuned – the Clam’s got more Boston 2024 coverage coming up tomorrow, with our suggestions for new summer Olympic sports based on our local pastimes. And maybe we’ll check in on Sully.

*(lies)

[Thanks to my brother, Joe, for letting me make fun of his bro-likeness]

No Snark Sunday: Abundance follies

So they emailed a wrench up to the International Space Station a couple of weeks ago. It’s a small thing, sort of nerdy-cool if you follow that sort of stuff, which I do. But so much that goes on in the space program seems to have little application here on Earth: “Astronauts on the International Space Station attempted to determine how waffles accept syrup in microgravity…” You get the feeling they are just sort of looking for shit to do up there.

When proctologists get this tech, worry

When proctologists get this tech, worry

The wrench thing, however, is going to rock all of our worlds: the ability to create the object you need when you need it the way you want it far from any supply chain. We’ve talked about that before and I can be proud to say Gloucester students are getting an excellent intro in that world with our 3D printing lab.

But maybe you’ve noticed something else disconcerting, that seems like a good thing but everyone is kind of weird about- on my way to the office this morning gas was $2.50 a gallon. That’s good right? You’d think the economy would be on a cheap-fuel drunk as everybody who manufactures, delivers, drives and ships just wound up with a few extra sacks of cash. Instead we’re all looking around going, “Huh?” Weren’t we just running out gas a couple of years ago? Wasn’t it going to five bucks a gallon on the way to ten?

There are a lot of explanations, but the biggest one is in category after category we’re transcending scarcity and it’s fucking everything up.

Our whole economic system, nay our billion-plus years of evolved instincts as living creatures in individual habitats is all about managing scarcity. Supply and demand, energy transfers, efficiency, Adams Smith and The Wealth of Nations, even Marx and his whole ‘surplus labor value’ insight, all of it depends on there not being enough of a particular thing and the folks who provide it to you getting paid for it. funny-clever-joke-Karl-Marx-beardEven Marxism breaks down without scarcity. Seriously.

In category after category the driving forces we depend on to run our economy the way in which we are accustomed are evaporating. Is music scarce? The very computer I’m typing on right now can play pretty much any song ever written without me paying a dime. This is becoming increasingly true across the board. Movies will be next, but soon enough complex physical objects and electronics. There are kids playing with robotic sets that would have made engineers weep with joy to have access just ten years ago. Ideas that were pipe dreams in the recent past are rolling out not as products, but as playthings for open-source communities. No one is getting paid but amazing work is being done.

That is kind of a problem, actually.

Everyone know what Instagram is? Photo sharing app, just bought by Facebook and was recently valued at 35 billion dollars, which is amazing. Until you think that Kodak, the company that essentially created modern photography and film, was at its peak only every worth 15 billion. That’s everything: real estate, manufacturing equipment, distribution networks, it had operations in every state and more than 30 countries. There were 140 thousand direct employees not to mention all the ancillary suppliers and the careers their technology made possible.

If you're going, "What are all the little boxes for" you are young. If you also wondering "And what's that black thing?" you make me want to drink lunch.

If you’re going, “What are all the little boxes for” you are young. If you also wondering “And what’s that black thing?” you make me want to drink lunch.

Instagram has 80 employees. It had 15 when it was purchased. Not enough to make for a crowd at the Rhumb Line on a Monday night. A 35 billion dollar company has fewer people than came to my daughters Bat Mitzvah.

More of that is coming. So much more. I’ve talked in this space about fusion. Since then Lockheed has applied for patents on components in something called a “high-beta fusion reactor” which it turns out a lot of groups have been working on. This is a device that can produce enough energy for 40 thousand homes and is about the size of a tractor trailer box, according to the current plans. It generates zero radiation out past 15 meters (you shield it within that) and can’t melt down like the reactors we have now, the fuel is abundant and easily derived from seawater. It’s essentially the PC of the energy category- computers were big infrastructure things back in the 70s but then small machines with incredible power blew the entire industry apart. It was great, but also incredibly disruptive but the good thing was technology people had other places to go, as the PC technology was essentially the same as the big washing-machine sized computers that filled up rooms back then..

It won’t be the same with fusion. Over a million people work directly in petroleum in the United States. And if these reactors are real, they will be built in a factory somewhere and shipped to sites for use. Today as we speak there are about a thousand dudes (for the non-gender specific value of ‘dude’) getting ready to start work on the new power plant in Salem. Plumbers, electricians, pipe fitters, crane operators, the guy who sells coffee, donuts and weed out of the roach coach truck that shows up for 11:00 break. When this tech comes on line all those people and their families and the people who sell them mortgages, cars and grow lights are all going to be screwed as well. And they won’t be able to all go work in the fusion industry as it will be a single plant making these things somewhere in California, most likely. And is the guy who welds steel going to be able to go work on the fusion reactor line anyway? Don’t think so, it will be highly robotic and specialized. Those jobs will just be lost.

Or you could just go work in the Off World Colonies

Or you could go work in the Off World Colonies

But it probably won’t be here for another 30 years, right? Wrong. Five at the earliest if their approach is valid (and it might not be) then ten at the outside. Great, now everyone who works in every component energy production is going to be fucked.

So petroleum is fucked, energy is fucked, if the 3D printing thing or it’s cousin-on-steroids ‘atomic scale manufacturing’ gets off the ground then China is oh-so-very fucked but so are a lot of industries here (medical devices and defense come to mind. Why make missiles or aircraft parts now if you can just produce them as needed?).

We’re so good at creating abundance that the scarcity needed for our economic model is going away. Shit.

The point is this: We make technologies come to life. It’s what Americans do. We are hands-down off-the-hook awesome at it and it really is our “thing.” I was working on a messaging campaign for a new aircraft a few years ago when an irate person of the foreign persuasion once pissily asked why English is the international language of Aviation, even outside the English-speaking world. The engineer looked at him and said, “If the Wright Brothers had been French, we’d speak that.” Simple enough.

But in our own culture we have to get better at making sure those displaced by the awesome shit we create are not excluded from the technological progress. We don’t and shouldn’t share the spoils of innovation and entrepreneurship equally, but there has to be some kind of better way to respond to someone who’s worked their whole life in the service of an industry and finds that it’s gone away essentially overnight. The disparities created are bad for our economy because fewer and fewer can take advantage of all the great stuff, which is sort of the point of making it in the first place. It’s bad for our culture as more and more folks are getting left behind making for class distinctions that are distinctly un-American. We’re not equal economically, but we’ve always been equal socially and that has to continue for us to be us. We don’t do aristocracy, it was sort of the point of the country to begin with. Here, in America, you get a fair shot and more and more that shot has to be applied in the middle of a life rather than at the start of one.

We also need to be better at managing change for communities, as the example of our own city of Gloucester shows. We let the rust belt go because it was no longer useful, we’re doing the same to Detroit. This always comes back and bites us in the ass when the social ills of poverty start spreading around.

Pre-apocalyptic Detroit. Makes you wonder if they'd notice.

Pre-apocalyptic Detroit. Makes you wonder if they’d notice.

This isn’t a liberal argument, it’s an economic one. Humans are not disposable. You cannot throw them ‘away” because there is no ‘away.’ They will be around, so lets make sure everyone has the opportunity not just to be a service lackey to the new oligarchy, but to be really useful and rewarded for it.

President Obama’s free community college idea is a start in that direction as is universal health care. But we need to do more. Famous economist KT Toomey once said that we need a social safety ‘trampoline’ not a safety ‘net.’ Our culture should be all about helping you bounce back from a changing industry in a positive and optimistic way, not mire you in a web of bullshit and scorn. I loved all the economic geniuses who said that we should have not given unemployment compensation to people out of work in the past five years, but instead send them to North Dakota where the oil fields were in desperate need of workers. Yeah, well now those fields are laying people off in the thousands as the price of crude plummets from $100 a barrel down to $30 so pretty good we didn’t do that, huh?

We need to think bigger than just the next move. We need to rethink the game.