The Gloucester Clam

Greetings Clam Persons!

Greetings, ladies of Internet!

My name is Sergi Nakhimov, I am sailor on Russian Navy submarine Vladikavkaz which is currently holding position a few kilometers off of your harbor of Gloucester. My job on boat is to monitor transmissions of your area on orders of our Great President Vladimir Putin. He has sent us with single order: get new championship ring off hand of mister Robert Kraft or whole of crew will be hunted on his private island as/with dogs (he was unclear on this part only).

Anyhow, we are not going back to Severmorsk without ring so we sit and wait to hear word of sports-factory owner so Captain can send team of creepy Spetznaz commando guys to go get (they have big scissors, did I say they were creeps?). But mostly we wait.

Is boring.

But I Sergi sit in communication center of boat monitoring your Internet so is not all bad. You have some very funny persons on this Clam of yours! Also I hear you are also communist by what angry people say of you on other parts Internet, so pozdravleniya Comrades!

I, Sergi, am something of a comedian as well, having my own comedy paper which when in port I would send by telex to other submarine bases. It was called “Borscht Belt” because in Russia we eat much beet soup and to “belt” is to hit in face in english language which I study. Laughs, Da?

So now I write something for Clam and editors will publish because anything for to not have to watch TV show of unsafe boat full of sad men who demonstrate failings of capitalism as they try and compete for dwindling resource at the pleasure of oligarchs. Good time.

So let us put the weasels in our asses, as you say, and get on with the joking!

Snow! You have much of it, or so you think. My own mother is from Siberia and in times of big storm she would whisper in low voice, “You know what we call this much snow in Siberia? ‘Quiet Murder’…” On second thinking this expression does not maybe translate well, but is very funny for Siberian people.

OK, I am reading official newspaper Gloucester Daily Times! Wow! I must say it is testament to the world to show strength and resolve of Gloucester Central Party Committee during emergency by not giving out any information to proletariat or anything useful at all except recipe for pizza and results of basketball playing among schoolchildren. Is like old Soviet Communist Party national paper Pravda in this habit of not giving important news, but of course Pravda was free. At least in Soviet Union you got nothing for nothing in return. In America nothing costs money! Ha ha! I slay Sergi, who is myself.

We like very much the editorial page though. Is much humor. Obama is a socialist! That one kills us on board, so hard we are laughing. Socialist who gives billions to car making companies and to huge bank. Maybe instead of “Das Kapital” by Karl Marx he was confused and read book about typical American sex lives 50 Shades of Grey. This would explain much of American monetary policy, in honesty.

This is scene from Russian version of movie

Your Sefatia is great lady Mayor! We like very much how she orders free citizens of your country not to not go outside their homes during storm! We all know only US Governor can declare martial law under your system, but she can declare “Mama Law.” Is much more intimidating than your heavily armed police brigades with their tanks and machine guns.

I think this is photo is of your state of Missouri, no?

Congratulations on becoming more of communist country with your national health care. Not so bad, eh, a little of this socialism? What is next, collective farm? Oh, wait, you have this with your CSA. As Marx said, “Each according to his ability, each according to his need.” In case of CSA, as long as need is a Swedish wagon car full organic kale, you are set.

Dress is gold and white. Whole of submarine agrees, I showed at meal to crew. Some were very passionate about this, even angry that there are peoples who say blue. Tempers are short due to our long confinement off your shores. Do not disagree in comments. Alexi, our weapons officer is touchy man and has access to cruise missiles. Ha ha! I make joke (not really).

In officers quarters they watched all of “Lost” and this happened after finale.

Ok, this is all for now. I have enjoyed much and has helped to reduce drudgery of playing the quiz of Buzzfeed. It turns out muiscboy of One Direction most resembled by me is Zayn. Both of us enjoy smoking and using much grease in our hair. I get mine from torpedoman in trade of printout pictures of his dreamgirl Jane Lynch.

I have not heart to tell him.

Much happy to you all!

Your friend, Sergi