Sergei II, The Re-sergi-ence

This morning finds both your humble Clameditors suffering not-insignificant hand injuries resulting from a drunken dare to  re-create of the “knife scene” in  the Sci-fi horror classic “Aliens.” Thus we give today’s The Clam over once  again to Sergei Nakhimov, Chief Warrant Officer Second Class of the Russian Federation submarine Vladikavakz. Sergei and crew have been stationed off Gloucester monitoring our communications for the past six months on a mysterious reconnaissance mission ordered by Russian president Vladimir Putin. He has recovered enough from One Direction member Zayn’s retirement to finally grace us with a new post.

Hello Clam humor blog persons! Is again I, your funny friend from under-the-sea who is not adorable singing lobster. Still we are stuck offshore your coast of Gloucester, still I am in communications room monitoring you signals and taking the quiz of Buzzfeed. Apparently ideal DJ name for me is “MC Ramp Dusky.” Okey Dokey!

This Ursula is my kind of babushka. I must go meet her.

This Ursula is my kind of babushka. I must go meet her.

Welcome to your summer Yankee dogs! I am hoping you have all feasted on traditional burned meats and salad of potato while wearing logo T-shirt of major corporation as is your custom. In Russia on day of remembrance of Great Patriotic War we dress up in best suit and watch military equipment parade and soldiers kick-marching in shiny boots. Of course, since President Putin is in power this is also how we celebrate Christmas, Mother’s Day, Agricultural Collective Awareness Day and Adopt a Pet Week.

From periscope of submarine I see you have attached many flag to your Stacey Boulevard adjacent to the sea that is my watery prison. I must say is many, many flag. This is something of America I don’t understand. You think if there is one good thing, then better is to have one hundred of good thing. And if one hundred is good then why not one thousand? You see where this goes, Da? At what point is too many flag? Ah, who am I kidding, you are American there is no such thing as “too many.” Point for you is to be able to say “I have more flag than you, face of jerk!” and not to worry when beautiful ocean-side walkway begins to look like more used car dealership in Parsippany New Jersey.


Speaking of pastime, I see on Internet your favorite sport of padded steroid-eating concussion-men is in much trouble for letting air out of ball. This is something you talk endlessly about, for weeks on end. Constant discussion of this has raised anger of chief weapons officer Alexei who sometimes comes by communication bay to watch amusing cat video and to offer me his special drink mixture of refrigeration fluid and fermented beet juice he brew in forward toilet compartment. “Maybe I will turn their city into sea of fire and see how much shit they give about air in ball!” he mumbled a few days ago, holding up key around neck used to launch hydrogen bomb missile and stormed off toward his control station.

He is much kidder, Alexei! First mate and he had good laugh after he was able wrench key from Alexei’s hand and remove from control slot. “For future reference, use half as much refrigeration fluid,” I tell Alexei later when he comes out of coma.

Living in submarine for months with 56 other sailors is sometimes a great challenge for your friend Sergei. Sometime I would watch collectivist family of Duggars on TLC to make self feel better about being confined in small space with so many bodies smelling of sweat and borscht. Show always made Sergei feel happy because even though these many children were squashed together like last traincar out of Norolisk before winter, they always seem happy and are singing and making plays and schooling at home as is the way of your southern United States because they hate so much the fact of science that Jesus could not ride dinosaur.

Is total mystery why your southern states lag behind entire world in education

Is total mystery why your southern states lag behind entire world in education


But now we learn oldest boy Josh is terrible man and has been hurting sisters in gross way (Sergei always found him to be creepy like political officer on Boat who is former KGB). We also learn Josh went to lead something called “Family Research Council.” Sergei studied much science in high school and in Navy to become technical member of nuclear submarine crew. Sergei thinks whatever experiments Josh creep started in “family research” should be halted because his previous experiments are not good to nice girls in family. He is bad scientist of family. Very bad.

In sadness I suggest to Alexei we bomb Josh and maybe also father Jim Bob who is also makes Sergei taste herring pie from last night’s dinner in mouth, but Alexei only said “Worse for America if we let them live!” and then he laughed so many times. As I say, he is great kidder, Alexei.

On last topic, I see in provincial propaganda newspaper Gloucester Daily Times you have election coming. Two men must decide if they truly wish to challenge current unelected mayor who is may or maybe not going to go for voting and also has nickname that ties to gangs of criminal-types. My friends I must tell you this makes me so homesick! Tear comes to eye of Sergei. How I long for us to be heading home to Russia when I read of political situation in Gloucester.

Perhaps next time we talk I will be writing from my own small, cramped apartment in Soviet apartment block rather than small, cramped communication room of Soviet-built submarine. We can only hope! Until then Dosvedanya Tovarisch!


Guestpost, Warrant Officer Second Class Sergi Nakhimov of the Russian Federation Navy

Greetings Clam Persons!

I am, as you would say, "hot"

Greetings, ladies of Internet!

My name is Sergi Nakhimov, I am sailor on Russian Navy submarine Vladikavkaz which is currently holding position a few kilometers off of your harbor of Gloucester. My job on boat is to monitor transmissions of your area on orders of our Great President Vladimir Putin. He has sent us with single order: get new championship ring off hand of mister Robert Kraft or whole of crew will be hunted on his private island as/with dogs (he was unclear on this part only).

Anyhow, we are not going back to Severmorsk without ring so we sit and wait to hear word of sports-factory owner so Captain can send team of creepy Spetznaz commando guys to go get (they have big scissors, did I say they were creeps?). But mostly we wait.

Is boring.

But I Sergi sit in communication center of boat monitoring your Internet so is not all bad. You have some very funny persons on this Clam of yours! Also I hear you are also communist by what angry people say of you on other parts Internet, so pozdravleniya Comrades!

I, Sergi, am something of a comedian as well, having my own comedy paper which when in port I would send by telex to other submarine bases. It was called “Borscht Belt” because in Russia we eat much beet soup and to “belt” is to hit in face in english language which I study. Laughs, Da?

So now I write something for Clam and editors will publish because anything for to not have to watch TV show of unsafe boat full of sad men who demonstrate failings of capitalism as they try and compete for dwindling resource at the pleasure of oligarchs. Good time.

So let us put the weasels in our asses, as you say, and get on with the joking!

Snow! You have much of it, or so you think. My own mother is from Siberia and in times of big storm she would whisper in low voice, “You know what we call this much snow in Siberia? ‘Quiet Murder’…” On second thinking this expression does not maybe translate well, but is very funny for Siberian people.

OK, I am reading official newspaper Gloucester Daily Times! Wow! I must say it is testament to the world to show strength and resolve of Gloucester Central Party Committee during emergency by not giving out any information to proletariat or anything useful at all except recipe for pizza and results of basketball playing among schoolchildren. Is like old Soviet Communist Party national paper Pravda in this habit of not giving important news, but of course Pravda was free. At least in Soviet Union you got nothing for nothing in return. In America nothing costs money! Ha ha! I slay Sergi, who is myself.

We like very much the editorial page though. Is much humor. Obama is a socialist! That one kills us on board, so hard we are laughing. Socialist who gives billions to car making companies and to huge bank. Maybe instead of “Das Kapital” by Karl Marx he was confused and read book about typical American sex lives 50 Shades of Grey. This would explain much of American monetary policy, in honesty.

This is scene from Russian version of movie

This is scene from Russian version of movie

Your Sefatia is great lady Mayor! We like very much how she orders free citizens of your country not to not go outside their homes during storm! We all know only US Governor can declare martial law under your system, but she can declare “Mama Law.” Is much more intimidating than your heavily armed police brigades with their tanks and machine guns.

I think this is photo taken in your state of Missouri

I think this is photo is of your state of Missouri, no?

Congratulations on becoming more of communist country with your national health care. Not so bad, eh, a little of this socialism? What is next, collective farm? Oh, wait, you have this with your CSA. As Marx said, “Each according to his ability, each according to his need.” In case of CSA, as long as need is a Swedish wagon car full organic kale, you are set.

Dress is gold and white. Whole of submarine agrees, I showed at meal to crew. Some were very passionate about this, even angry that there are peoples who say blue. Tempers are short due to our long confinement off your shores. Do not disagree in comments. Alexi, our weapons officer is touchy man and has access to cruise missiles. Ha ha! I make joke (not really).

In officers quarters they watched all of "Lost"  and this happened after finale.

In officers quarters they watched all of “Lost” and this happened after finale.

Ok, this is all for now. I have enjoyed much and has helped to reduce drudgery of playing the quiz of Buzzfeed. It turns out muiscboy of One Direction most resembled by me is Zayn. Both of us enjoy smoking and using much grease in our hair. I get mine from torpedoman in trade of printout pictures of his dreamgirl Jane Lynch.

I have not heart to tell him.

Much happy to you all!

Your friend, Sergi