Jurassic Pahk

A lesser website known as “Boston.com” did a science poll recently where it asked readers is they would rather have the Olympics come to Boston at an estimated cost of about 51 billion dollars, or would they prefer pending about half that to make Boston’s own Jurassic Park.

Showing that the Hub is still the smartest city in the US, residents of our fair region weighed in at the dino park at 86% in favor because, duh. Dinosaurs.

This seems like a good time, then, to unshelve the film treatment I wrote years ago as an addition to the Jurassic Park film franchise. With films about Boston being huge winners in the box office like The Fighter, Good Will Hunting and Star Wars Episode IV, a New Hope (Mos Eisley Spaceport was closely based on Lynn) and dinosaurs being the hugely popular, this is a sure-fire hit.


Today we bring you part I

The lead actor is either Matt Damon or Mark Walhberg or whatever brooding pretty boy native son the studio has on hand.

Interior: We open in the kitchen of a cramped second floor apartment in an aging Victorian in the gritty blue collar metro of Brockton. Our hero, Brian O’Shea, gets ready to start his day as the head of  Paleontology at Harvard University. He packs his lunch into a metal container, puts on his Carhartt jacket over a grey hooded sweatshirt and clumps down the stairs to his rusting Chevy Cavalier. Waiting for him at his car is his childhood friend Joey Sullivan (Ben Affleck).

Brian: Whaddya want Sully, I’m tryin to get to work.

Joey: Why aren’t you returning my calls? You know my boss wants to talk to you. You owe him a lotta money, Brotha. I’m tryin to keep him offa you, but he’s persistent, you know what I mean?

Brian: I told him he can go build his dino pahk without me. I’m legit now. I got a job at Havahad and everything. Look, I’m leaving for a dig in Mongolia next week, we got a whole new species of Ichthyosaur discovered theah. It’s fackin huge. It’ll make me a lot of cash when I publish my papah about it. Tell your boss it’s gonna be in Natcha. I’m all set after that, I sweah.

Joey: I know you’re tryin to make it good, but no way you can pay what you owe him on some egghead salary even if you land a book deal or a special on NatGeo. Weah proud and shit you made it up there with all those smaht kids, you always was a book nerd. And Mista Kelly’s been patient on account of he knows you borrowed that money to pay for youah motha’s canca treatments, but Jesus Shea. Why didn’t she move back down from New Hampshia to Mass when she got sick to where we got health ceah? I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead, but that was just retahted, yaknow?

Brian: She liked the aih up theah.

Exterior- Brian gets in the car and leaves. As he drives off, Joey yells through the window…

Joey: I’m tryin ta help you Shea! Youah not gonna like what happens next…

Interior, Harvard Peabody Museum. Brian is arriving at work and a crowd is gathered around the central display. There are police cars. As he enters everyone turns to look at him.

Brian: Who’s the patie foah?

Dean: It seems our central attraction, the priceless diplodocid skeleton from our foyer has gone missing, but you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you Professor O’Shea?

Brian: Why would I?

Dean: Well, it’s just that the police found…this…near the freight entrance… which you have one of the only keys to.

A police officer holds up a clear plastic evidence bag with a Bruins hat in it.

Brian: What makes you think that’s mine?

Cop [reading autograph on hat]: “To Brian, sorry for hitting you with that slapshot,” signed, “Zdeno.”

Brian: Joey you set me up you fucking fuck.

Interior, back of limousine driving through Everett

Driver (looking in mirror): Hey, ahnt’t you Billy O’Shea’s kid?

Brian: Yah, so what?

Driver: Oh, I thought I heard you was ovah the rivah in Cambridge working with computas or something.

Brian: I’m a paleontologist.

Driver: No shit? I got a big wart on my foot maybe you could look at then. It’s killing me. Right on my drivahs foot too.

Brian: Maybe latah.

Driver: What evah happened to Billy anyway? Wasn’t he working at the Museum as a plumbah?

Brian (laughs): The only thing my fatha unclogs anymoah is the top of a bottle of Canadian Club. He hasn’t been a plumbah since he sold his tools to buy booze. He’s a janitah now, when he rembahas to get out of bed in the mohning.

Exterior, an industrial site in Everett. A natural gas tanker motors lazily through the canal. Brian walks up to Mr. Kelly, who is looking at a set of blueprints with a team of architects and engineers.

Mr. Kelly (Colin Quinn): Brian my boy! Thanks fah comin.

Brian: What choice did I have?

Kelly: Yah, sorry about that. Joey wasn’t bein persuasive enough and I had to up the ante. It’s allright, Don’t worry about your little skellington. I had my boys put it on top of the MIT dome so it looks like it was one of those gay pranks those sissies play on each othah. Youah in the cleah on the dino thing. But befoah you go, we got a debt to settle and I got a way for you ta walk away clean and we don’t gotta do any moah shenanigans to get theah.

Mr. Kelly goes on to describe Jurassic Pahk casino being built in Everett over the Monsanto plant. He tells Brian it’s going to have everything- Tyrannosaurus Rex, Triceratops, Wooly Mammoth…

Brian (interrupting): Wolly Mammoth was not a dinosaur. It was a mammal and lived hundreds of millions of years after they died out.

Kelly: Fine, whatevah, fuck the Woolly Mammoth then.

Brian: Why do you need me? Just build a fuckin casino, won’t that bring people in?

Kelly (laughs): Brian, you ah smaht, I always said that. But it’s all book smahts. You don’t know nothin about business. You gotta give em something they can’t get anyplace else. There ah casinos in Connecticut, there ah casinos in Upstate New Yohk and in Maine. Every mother-effing convenience store from heah to frikin James Taylah’s hosue out in the Berkshieas is a frigging casino with all the scratch tickets and the Keno… But with you, our hometown genius who knows the difference between a Woolly Mammoth and a fahkin Stegamingus

Brian: Stegasaurus

Kelly: Whatevah. Anyway, you along with the people I got from the biotechs over in the People’s Republic of Cambridge, we’re gonna give ‘em something that’ll smack theih nuts right on theih eyelids. Fuckin Dinosaus, right outa Land of the Lost like when we wah kids. I got Dunkin’s on boahd and everything.

Brian: In Everett? Who the fuck even ever comes out here?

Kelly: You shittin me? Fuck the Chales, Duck Touas will turn north and come up heah to see the dinos. People won’t wanna ride the swan boats, they’ll wanna watch a Brontosaurus get it’s face eaten off by a Pterodactyl or whatevah. Aerosmith is gonna play heah, I got comedy writas making jokes about it aready, about how Steve Tylah will be glad to see dinosaus again because he used to ride them when he was a kid. It’s gonna be bigga than the Hilltop, I’m tellin ya. We’ll get Dr. Spock from Stah Trek…

Brian: Nimoy? He’s dead.

Kelly: We’ll get the new kid then.

Brian: He’s from Pittsburgh.

Kelly: Jesus you gotta stop bein so negative. That’s what killed youah motha in the end, no offense. I’m givin you a shot Brian. You gonna take it now or do I gotta find more creative ways to persuade you? I’d hate for youah dad to lose his job, for instance. He’d be on the street in two seconds flat. You know the only reason he keeps that gig is becuz ah me. I do it out of memory for youah mothah, God rest her soul. But if the O’Shea’s are gonna turn their backs when I’ve always been there for them in their times of need…

Brian: Fine, I’m in, you sonofabitch.

Kelly (smiling): Good to have you aboahd!

Stay tuned for part II

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  1. Aw, moy Gawd! I laughed moy bawls off! Great Job, Jim! Can’t wait for Part II!

  2. I’m sending this to everyone I know in Hollywood and telling them I’m your agent. We’re going to make millions!!!

  3. totally absorbing…and it could be true….

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