Results of Our Celebrity St. Peter’s Fiesta Survey



With St. Peter’s Fiesta close at hand, The Clam asked some notable figures to name what they like and dislike about Gloucester’s signature summer event. Here are their responses:


Donald Trump



Carnival games:  An inspirational refresher course in shady business practices

The Greasy Pole:  A strategically placed basin hooks him up with enough hair pomade for the rest of the year.

The Mass of St. Peter:  The priest has promised that, if he tithes enough, the Church will change the name of that apostle no one remembers to “The Donald.”


The Blessing of the Fleet:  A self-made man depends not on divine intervention, but on loopholes in the tax code.

Seine Boat Races:  Similar to the Republican primaries, there’s a lot of jockeying at the start. But, ultimately, they just test the public’s patience while awaiting the main event.

Nightly raffle drawings:  It’s practically communism.


Kim Jong-Un



The Fiesta 5K:  The pained expressions of lean men and women on the move make him nostalgic for the forced marches of his homeland.

70s-era carnival rides:  Yet more proof of the inferiority of American structural engineering

Sunday Mass parade:  A worthy display of jingoism– though not enough goose-stepping, ICBMs, or throngs of weeping children for his taste.


The airborne portraits of St. Peter:  If he ever finds out who painted the iconography of another man, he’ll feed that individual’s hands to a tiger.

The nightly musical entertainment:  Like in all of his public appearances, everyone is just pretending to enjoy it.

Fried dough:  It makes him gassy.


Saint Peter



The ¾-scale statue of himself that gets lugged around:  Christ can sitteth at God’s right hand; Peter much prefers to standeth on the shoulders of strapping Sicilians.  Plus, it really does justice to his cheekbones.

The Seine Boat Races:  Strip away the halo and all the pomp, and at heart he’s just a hardworking fisherman from Galilee.

His cut from the $60 membership dues at St. Peter’s Club:  Life gets expensive when you have a standing poker engagement with an omniscient being.


The “Viva” chant:  He’s got the eternal life thing locked down. How about “Nice pecs, San Pietro!” instead?

Milling around St. Peter’s Square:  With beards and sandals enjoying a moment, he’s constantly mistaken for an art student at Montserrat.

The pirate ship carnival ride:  Gravity + flowing robes = Another prominent Church official on the sex offender registry.


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  1. Have you no boundaries?! lol

  2. Let’s hope not.

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