Wicked Tuna North Vs South: From Rods to Riches

Well, folks, we’re back with another recap of everyone’s favorite spinoff, Wicked Tuna North vs South: The South Might Rise Again Maybe! I can’t even remember what episode we’re on or how many are left. It’s an interminable winter of Wicked Tuna episodes, each hour more bleak and hopeless than the last.

If you’re new to the Clam, my reason for recapping this show (and its parent, Regular Old Wicked Tuna) was for me to gain an appreciation for the fishing life. Sure, some of my neighbors and friends have worked on fishing boats, but my most physically exhausting job was working at an office in Southie where I had to park 600 feet away. I wanted to know what it was like to bust ass and catch fish. And so now I recap Wicked Tuna for you, so you don’t have to watch it. You’re welcome.

This episode starts off on Day 14, when 60% of the catch limit has been reached. South! North! Who will do stuff? Who will not? Suspense! The Wahoo (which I’m pretty sure has the crew member who shot an actual gun into the water as one does) is in third place, and the guy who is as intelligible as Boomhauer is lamenting how much fishing “sucks” and how one of the other boat’s captains “cries” and then basically talks to the camera crew¬†like a twelve year old trying to impress the cool kid with the leather jacket. But everyone is wearing camo. He yells “You didn’t has to respect nothin’ if you didn’t earn it!” and now I realize why the GOP does well down South. Woof.

I LIKE TURTLES

HEY CAMERA GUYS WATCH ME LITERALLY PRETEND TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY.

Over on one of the other Southern boats, the Wahoo we’ve got a clothing situation that’s reaching about a 7.8 on the Camouflage Intensity Scale. As the captain explains all the technology he has (WiFi, duh!), we notice he is trying to remain hidden from two types of predators.

Cool stuff, but does it have a built-in vaporizer like the Pinwheel?

Cool stuff, but does it have a built-in vaporizer like the Pinwheel?

Speaking of the Pinwheel, they cut over to Tyler who is struggling with a line, and Paul Hebert yells “slow, in and out, up and down, easy does it” and I drink, because I think that’s part of the rules of the game I made up. Sexual innuendo means you drink. “Rhythm You need Rhythm!” “I know, I was going nuts!” “Don’t leave me!” “I won’t, I’m right here putting gloves on, it’s all I’m gonna do!” Basically I could chop these sound bits into a gigantic porn audio track by this point. “I’m sorry I got so excited!” They get a fish. Hooray. So does the Hard Merchandise.

As the Hard Merchandise brings their fish ashore, Dave Marciano says “good things come in small packages!” and his first mate is like “that’s what she said” and this show is made for ten year olds. There’s no other explanation. None. It’s just 43 minutes of screeching and innuendo and looking cool in front of a camera. I realize that Dave’s green screen interview post-filming shirt says “tails ass up” at the bottom (part of a larger message). Like was his “Buttweiser” shirt in the wash? What year is this?

A Classic Outfit for the Distinguished Gentleman.

A Classic Outfit for the Distinguished Gentleman.

Over on the Fishin’ Frenzy, Shooty McCamoflage is screaming bloody murder about catching a fish. I can never understand what’s going on, it sounds like Deliverance. “Take that, you whiny little bitch!” Someone yells, at an unknown party.

And then the Hard Merchandise starts leaking. I mean, I’m no nautical expert, but that’s usually not a quality one desires in a seafaring vessel. Turns out some pump part broke, so they have to go back to shore before they, you know, cease to float.And then, Back on Fishin’ Frenzy, our favorite unintelligible, mumbling crew member says, and this is a direct quote,

“How about that radiation leak in Japan? Over in the Pacific they got radiated ones make your tongue numb when you eat ’em. They f*ckin love it! Them radiation fish over there, they’re badass. When you’re eating sushi it’s like pop rocks.”

Holy shit. Holy shit. This is a show on NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. This is what is said on a show that is on National Geographic. This is… I can’t type the words again. I’m going to bed.

Mercifully, the episode is over.

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