Thanksgiving Mad Lib

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This week families get together to celebrate Christmas’ younger and distinctly more chill sibling, Thanksgiving. Sure it’s only one day not a whole ‘season’ and there are only a couple of TV specials and that one Adam Sandler song everyone pretends is funny (it is not funny) but there is certainly parity in both holiday’s ability to leave you stranded in transit with nothing to do. Whether you’re splayed out across the terminal seats at a crappy regional airport or stuck in the off-smelling waiting area of a small-town service station held-up until “Chester” can look at your Honda after it started making that weird grinding noise on the Interstate, we’re here to help. You and your traveling companions can while away some fruitless minutes with:

THE CLAM’S THANKSGIVING MAD LIB

Not pictured: small pox

Not pictured: small pox

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday! It’s a special time to get the whole clan together for meal fit for a [title of William S. Burroughs Novel]______________________. Our family has many traditions, some you’d recognize and a few carried over from [unfashionable foreign country] ______________.

We’re a little old-school, so around here the [exploited group] _____________ are up early to start cooking first thing Thursday morning. By noon the house is full of delicious smells and [negative emotion typically responsive to medication] _________________.

 Soon the family begin to arrive. Some travel by [unaffordable and unnecessarily oversized vehicle] ____________________ others we have to pick up from [neglected public transportation hub] _______________. Uncle [first name of 20th Century European dictator] ___________ will no doubt pour himself a glass of [mass-produced brown liquor] __________________and tell his story about the time he shared an overcrowded restaurant table with [regular guest cast member from Love Boat] __________________ when visiting Los Angeles.

Soon we’re sitting down at a table full of meats dripping with [human hormone] _______________ and and roasted [vegetable that will inevitably be passed over in favor of potatoes] ______________. Also, there is always plenty of [different vegetable with some kind of processed sugar added to make it remotely palatable] ___________________! And let’s not forget a big bowl of [food in the “NEVER” column on the list handed to you by the cardiologist] ___________________with lots of butter. Every year we try a new stuffing recipe. This year will be one featuring [nut and dried fruit combo on sale at Trader Joe’s] _________________________!

 To remind us of the true origins of the holiday Mom reads a prayer by [Native American chief, but it was actually written by a white college professor in the ‘60s] _______________________reminding us of our connection to the Earth and all we have to be grateful for.

 Now it’s time to eat! We always have lively conversations about [topic that is not: immigration policy, climate change, the statistical unlikelihood we live in a universe controlled by a just god and the nature of the relationship of the female “friend” your sister has brought for the past three years running] ___________________. There are a variety of opinions, but the one thing we always agree on is desert! [Person who actually has Master’s Degree in topic everyone else is spouting off uninformed opinions about] _____________ will always be the first one to say, “Hey Mom, isn’t it time for [heated combination of dextrose and carbohydrates] _________________?”

 After the meal we all sit down to watch [Screw it, just write ‘football’] ____________ . Dad always likes to comment on his love for his favorite player [Athlete with multiple arrests and a history of violent behavior] ________________. It’s always great to see our guys out on the gridiron not matter if they wind up with a win or a [permanent, debilitating injury] __________________. Sometimes cousin [overused millennial name like ‘Justin’ or ‘Ashley’] ___________________will suggest we head outside to play a little ‘touch,’ but it usually depends on the [thinly veiled excuse] ______________ if we actually make it out or not.

Eventually Dad succumbs to [chronic, unacknowledged medical condition] ________________ and falls asleep on the couch while mom cleans up and listens to [band that reminds her of a carefree youth oh so many years ago] __________________. That’s the signal head downtown and catch up with old friends. Maybe you’ll even run into [the girl who said, “I’ll wait for you’ and then when you came home from freshman year told you she was confused about her feelings for ‘Jake’ and you’re like, “Who the fuck is Jake?”] ____________________!

 I hear they have two kids now.

 

 

NSS: Look For The Helpers, Always.

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“There’s only one rule that I know of, babies – Goddamn it, you’ve got to be kind.” – Vonnegut

 

 

One week ago it was announced that an American, Abdul-Rahman (formerly Peter) Kassig, who had been captured by ISIS in 2013, had been killed.

My heart broke, as just a few weeks prior my friend Erin had written a beautiful piece about their friendship during her time in Beirut. Her article also goes into detail about his aid work before his capture. It’s an amazing, but painful, read – I truly hope you take the time to read it. I’m proud to know Erin from her time in Boston before travelling for her PhD – she’s bright, amazing, and caring. And it cuts to my core that she’s suffering, and his friends and family are suffering, in the worst way possible. I’m a parent, and I can’t imagine how his parents are even sitting upright in the morning. How anyone survives day to day in the face of such unimaginable grief is a thing my brain cannot even comprehend.

Erin and Peter, Lebanon, 2012

Erin and Peter, Lebanon, 2012

What struck me immediately about Abdul-Rahman’s life was his sheer selflessness. He wasn’t a tourist. He wasn’t in this for selfish reasons. In the face of a horrid war, he was not satisfied until he helped get medical supplies and help to the wounded civilians who needed them most. How many of us would take that risk? How many would have done what he did? He put his life on the line to help people he didn’t know. He knew the risks, and he did it anyway. He knew he had a higher calling.

After horrible incidents of unspeakable evil, there is always the refrain that Mr. Rogers (patron saint of generation X and now the millenials) popularized – look for the helpers. Instead of wallowing in the unfairness, the pain, the violence, the hatred – turn that focus on the helpers. The folks who made a difference. The people who care about the most vulnerable of humanity so much that they are willing to put their lives on the line for it.

And Kassig was that person. He didn’t have to take those risks. He could have stayed home and helped here. He could have remained in college, remained an Army Ranger. He could have stayed helping Palestinians at a refugee camp as he had been doing, but he knew there was nearly no one helping injured Syrians. And he knew they needed help. He went out on a limb to tend to the most vulnerable. He was a helper to the utmost degree.

 

Pete, Bourj al-Barajneh. 2012 (Courtesy of Erin Cory)

Pete, Bourj al-Barajneh. 2012 (Courtesy of Erin Cory)

 

His life is an amazing legacy. You can kill a person, but you cannot kill the light they brought to the world. You can’t erase their love, their mission, or their determination. ISIS killed Abdul-Rahman Kassig, but they can’t destroy who he was. They can’t take back the lives he touched, the lives he changed, or the friends he made.

We could all learn so much from his legacy.

If you want to help, Peter’s family has made the following statement:
“In lieu of flowers, the family asks that contributions in honor of Abdul-Rahman Kassig be made to the Syrian American Medical Society, which is working to meet the medical needs of Syrians displaced and injured by war:
SAMS Foundation
3660 Stutz Dr. Suite 100
Canfield Ohio 44406
www.sams-usa.net“

Len’s Phonetic Alphabet for Call Center Workers Who Hate Their Customers

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[Today’s post is written by guest blogger Len Pal.]

From time to time over the last twenty years, I’ve worked in some capacity or another in call centers. Occasionally while speaking with a customer over the phone, one must spell out names or words. In technical support even more than in other types of call groups, accuracy is critical. If a customer doesn’t type the right letters, the command they are typing either won’t work at all, or worse, it WILL work, but will have a very different result than the one intended. To avoid this, we use phonetic alphabets – saying things like “B as in boy, A as in Apple, D as in Dog”, and so on.

I personally always fell back on the phonetic alphabet I learned in the army: alpha, bravo, charlie, delta, foxtrot, etc. This worked well nearly all the time, and most of my co-workers used it as well. But every once in a while, some unenlightened customer would take issue with our choice of words, despite that alphabet being designed by experts to ensure clarity over radio waves, and the fact that it has been in use by NATO forces for over SIXTY FUCKING YEARS. It is the most widely-used phonetic alphabet in the WORLD, and this customer is annoyed that I said “November” instead of “Nancy”.

Do you think I LIKE spelling out everything for you? Buy a damn “For Dummies” book if you don’t like my word choices. I’m doing this for YOU, to make sure you don’t make your problem any worse by typing the wrong phrase into your Windows registry file. You know how when you press the power button, eventually Windows comes up and you can play FarmVille and look at pictures of cats and stuff? Do you like that? Because if you put the wrong stuff in your registry, your Candy Crushing days are over.

Instead of letting myself get all worked up, I decided to offer an alternative. I wrote my own custom phonetic alphabet, just for those special customers who feel the standard NATO alphabet is too weird. I don’t do much phone work any more, but I’m passing this alphabet on to those that still do. I encourage you to use this alphabet whenever someone gives you crap for using NATO’s… it will teach them to keep their opinions to themselves. And so without further ado, here it is:

A ARE

B BEE

C CUE

D DJEMBE

E EYE

F FALSILOQUENCE

G GNOME

H HEIR

I ISLET

J JALAPENO

K KNIGHT

L LUMPENINTELLIGENTSIA

M MNEMONIC

N NECYOMANCY

O OEDIPUS

P PTERODACTYL

Q QUEUE

R RHINOTILLEXOMANIA

S SEA

T TSUNAMI

U USAGEASTER

V VOILA (pronounced well-ah)

W WHY

X XEROGRAPHY

Y YOU

Z ZWIEBACK (pronounced swee-beck, it’s a kind of biscuit)

The Open Door Is Awesome, So Pay Attention.

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If you hadn’t noticed by the incessant commercials and the fact that it gets dark at 2:45 PM, the holiday season is upon us. And unless you live under some kind of overturned fishing vessel, conversing only with passing whales, you know that the holiday season can be the toughest for families already struggling financially.

 

maslow

 

The above is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which you may remember from your Marketing 101 class Freshman year. The basic premise is that higher levels of the pyramid can’t be reached without satisfying the lower levels first. So without food, nothing happens. A family without food security can’t even begin to advance until that need is met. There is also a Maslow’s New Hierarchy of Needs for Clamtributors, which is below.

 

maslows-new-hierarchy-of-needs

 

 Let’s be honest: food is the pretty much the best thing ever.

 

So with that in mind, we all need to give a huge high-five to the folks at Open Door. I took a trip over there (don’t worry, they had wifi) and sat down with Julie Lafontaine, the executive director, to talk about their holiday programs and all the awesome they’re doing for the community. Hint: it’s a lot of awesome. Like a few dump trucks full of awesome straight from the awesome quarry.

First of all, something like one in six residents of Cape Ann is served by the Open Door. And the people who receive services may not be who you think. Julie says she asks her teenage interns who they think visits the food pantry, and most assume it’s the homeless. However, they are surprised to learn that many clients are holding down multiple jobs to make ends meet, having had their hours reduced or losing their job altogether. They’re trying to hold on to their mortgages and car payments. And again – without food, you can’t even think about looking for a higher-paying job. Even more enlightening is that the majority of clients don’t use the food pantry as often as they are allowed to, instead coming once a month. For so many families, the pantry is a safety net – or more like a safety trampoline that helps them bounce back (That is the first time the words “safety” and “trampoline” have ever been put next to each other, by the way).

The Open Door doesn’t just serve meals in-house and provide a food pantry – they have a whole range of sweet-ass services they provide to the community. There’s summer meals for kids – providing lunch for kids who relied on school lunches for a square meal. There’s an after-school supper at Veteran’s School. They run mobile markets full of fresh produce out of schools and assisted living centers. They offer nutrition-specific boxes for clients who have medical issues as well as food stamp advocacy. And they also have a garden out back!

They also do a heck of a lot for the holiday season.

 

This upcoming Saturday is their “Super Saturday”, where they plan to distribute hundreds of baskets with a turkey, potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, apples, and vegetables to families who have signed up for the program. They give out about 1,000 of these baskets for Thanksgiving, and do about 800 more around Christmas as well. It’s such a large program that they’re putting a 20×40′ tent in their front parking lot and setting up out there. I mean, that’s a pretty big freakin’ tent.

Also on Saturday, they’re running a Holiday food drive from 9AM-3PM at Market Basket, Stop and Shop, and the Eastern Ave Shaws. Ann-Margaret Ferrante, Bruce Tarr, and North Shore 104.9 will be there. The items that are most needed are staples like tuna, peanut butter, cereal, and 100% juice.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday they’ll be distributing for the holidays. The turkey baskets ensure that families who want the traditional family Thanksgiving at home can have it. They also pair up with other agencies like the American Legion, North Shore Health Project, Wellspring, and Action to provide food for those agencies to cook and serve holiday meals at their locations or deliver to members of the community.

So pretty much what I’m saying is that Open Door is pretty badass, and they do so much for our community. If you’re shopping, get a few staples for their food drive. Or, donate on their page.