It’s a short one, I had surgery this week and I’m worn out.
Hipster Running Out of Ways to be Quirky and Original
Cake sleeping. No one is doing that, right?
Tyler McGrund, a hipster, has found himself at a loss for any more things to do that are off-beat and avant garde. Having cycled rapidly through absurd facial hair styles, clothing representing numerous historical periods, a pet skunk and traveling everywhere by pogo stick, he suddenly discovered himself at a loss for new ways to come off as free from the bounds of society.
“It just gets tiring, you know,” said McGrund, eating his lunch of croutons dipped in caramel fondue. “My fixed gear bike was just awful on hills, but then everyone got one and I had to switch to one of those old-timey bikes with the huge front wheel just to keep ahead. Do you know how hard those things are in traffic? And you can’t just stop and put a foot down at a red light, you have to get all the way off it at every stop. I’m actually glad they became a ‘thing’ with yuppies and I had to go pogo.”
And it’s an arms race of originality that has cost him financially as well. Current estimates put his annual spend on terrariums, glass-blowing lessons, trips to Brussels (McGrund claims he’s “All about Belgium right now”) and mismatched patent leather shoes at upwards of 45% of his annual income. It’s also hurt his personal life.
“My girlfriend was all into it for a while saying I was, like, the only true individual she’s ever dated so on our fourteen and a half week anniversary I took her urban spelunking. We wound up to our necks in wastewater in an abandoned electrical service tunnel and after that she stopped returning my texts. Now I only use payphones.”
He was recently fired for showing up to work in a suit of bees
McGrund is part of a growing number of urban individuals suffering from what experts call “Hip Check.” Marcia Wellington, professor of Sociology at SUNY explains: “You can only go on so long being the driving force of cultural adoption before you just burn out,” she said on a call to her office in Albany. “You spend all this time discovering a band, restaurant or hairstyle from feudal Japan and next thing you know some asshole digital marketing manager for a pharmaceutical company has adopted it and is telling his friends in sales. At least before social media the process used to take a few months, now you can probably only ride a really good bit of artsy bullshit for three weeks, tops.”
McGrund did not know what the future held as he looked out over his shared backyard full of Chinese dragon costumes, homemade hovercraft and mobiles made from taxidermy.
“I might become a farrier. For a while.”
Making Us Proud: Gloucester Shows The Country How Police Should Operate
It’s no big secret that our beautiful seaside city has a wee bit of a heroin problem.
On my street alone, there have been two fatal overdoses in the last calendar year. A few years back when I rented a retail business space, I went to replace a drop-ceiling tile, and a syringe fell out and skittered across the floor. It’s depressing – occasionally we use gallows humor here at your The Clam in order to not scream about it all or overload ourselves with how deep, and tragic, and just so fucking unrelenting it is. Dealing with junkie neighbors and in some cases family, and the problems that addiction can bring can be draining. Dealing with junkie neighbors at home AND at work is even more draining. Of course, that’s absolutely nothing compared to what families have to go through.
Just a normal beach day. (Photo courtesy of Because Gloucester/Shellee Viator)
Our local police force has dealt with opiate dependency, at least from everything I’ve seen and heard firsthand, with an amazing amount of patience, grace, and understanding. I cannot imagine that Gloucester is an easy city to police, especially when it comes to the problems and crimes that addiction leads to. Our country has seen an unacceptable amount of horrific news stories involving police forces acting in unconscionable ways – but here in Gloucester, we’ve been absolutely blessed with a group of caring individuals who still treat people like people. If every police department across the country was the Gloucester Police, we’d be a much better country. I won’t say they’re perfect, but they’re pretty freakin’ awesome overall.
And so, after Saturday’s city-wide opiate summit, the Gloucester Police Facebook page posted the following statement from chief Campanello:
On Saturday, May 2, the City held a forum regarding the opiate crisis, and on how Gloucester has many resources for help. We are poised to make revolutionary changes in the way we treat this DISEASE. Your Police Department vowed to take the following measures to assist, beginning June 1, 2015:
– Any addict who walks into the police station with the remainder of their drug equipment (needles, etc) or drugs and asks for help will NOT be charged. Instead we will walk them through the system toward detox and recovery. We will assign them an “angel” who will be their guide through the process. Not in hours or days, but on the spot. Addison Gilbert and Lahey Clinic have committed to helping fast track people that walk into the police department so that they can be assessed quickly and the proper care can be administered quickly.
– Nasal Narcan has just been made available at local pharmacies without a prescription. The police department has entered into an agreement with Conleys and is working on one with CVS that will allow anyone access to the drug at little to no cost regardless of their insurance. The police department will pay the cost of nasal narcan for those without insurance. We will pay for it with money seized from drug dealers during investigations. We will save lives with the money from the pockets of those who would take them. We recognize that nasal narcan is not the answer, but it is saving lives and no one in this City will be denied a life saving drug for this disease just because of a lack of insurance. Conleys has also agreed to assist with insurance requests from those who do not have any.
– I will personally travel to Washington DC, with the support of Mayor Theken, the City Council, Sen. Bruce Tarr, and Rep. Ann-Margaret Ferrante, on May 12 and 13. There I will meet with Senators Elizabeth Warren and Ed Markey and Congressman Seth Moulton. I will bring what Gloucester is accomplishing and challenge them to change, at the federal level, how we receive aid, support and assistance. I will bring the idea of how far Gloucester is willing to go to fight this disease and will ask them to hold federal agencies, insurance companies and big business accountable for building a support system that can eradicate opiate addiction and provide long term, sustainable support to reduce recidivism.
I am asking for your help. Like this post, send it to everyone you can think of and ask them to do the same. Speak your comments. Create strength in numbers. I will bring it with me to show how many voters are concerned about this issue. Lives are literally at stake. I have been on both sides of this issue, having spent 7 years as a plainclothes narcotics detective. I have arrested or charged many addicts and dealers. I’ve never arrested a tobacco addict, nor have I ever seen one turned down for help when they develop lung cancer, whether or not they have insurance. The reasons for the difference in care between a tobacco addict and an opiate addict is stigma and money. Petty reasons to lose a life.
Please help us make permanent change here in Gloucester.
Thank you,
Chief Campanello
Woah. This is a huge step forward for Gloucester – towards compassionate care for people society tend to give up on, or judge harshly having not been in their shoes. Chief Campanello just came out and said “You have a disease, your life matters. It matters enough for us to drop everything and help you. It matters enough that we’re getting anyone Narcan so we can save more lives.”It’s the best outcome for everyone involved to handle things this way instead of turning a blind eye, or arresting people only for the crime of being caught up in a shitty addiction. I’m sure there will be at least one bag of literal human garbage who will write us a dipshit comment about “THOSE people/handouts/free rides”, but that’s why we screen comments. And this novel approach resonated pretty far – as of last count, it had something like 15.5k shares (for a page with 2k likes). People from all around the country have left thousands of comments wishing their local police department would do the same. Maybe they will. Maybe this is the start.
Everyone involved in Saturday’s meeting should be proud of working on this collaboration. We’re proud of you all for putting Gloucester in the spotlight for being Gloucester – the city that bands together and helps each other out like no other place I’ve ever been.
Bravo.
Details Released About Upcoming Film Manchester By the Sea!
All over town you see the trucks and setups for the filming of “Manchester By the Sea,” a movie about the eponymous town apparently set here in Gloucester. The Clam Investigative team has uncovered some juicy details about the production by purchasing scorpion bowls for a few of the crew at a local eating establishment. Here is what we discovered:
- The reason it’s being filmed in Gloucester is because every time a crew would set up in the correct town residents would call a “suspicious van” in to Manchester Police.
- Casey Affleck still makes less than the average MBTS resident.
- The third act includes a heart-wrenching scene of Crosby’s running out of shrimp before Memorial Day Weekend.
- Set management in Gloucester has proven challenging and sound engineers are already wondering how they are going to remove the constant shouting of “Mahkey Mahk has a biggah dick!” at the cast and crew from passerby.
- Matt Damon will only eat pumpkin flavored munchkins on set, and Dunkins outlets on Cape Ann have been working overtime to make special off-season batches for him.
- LA based crew has no idea how a rotary works, had to hire special drivers to guide them through.
- The original plan of creating a computer animated rendering of Gloucester and adding the actors into the scenes in post production was scrapped when animators could not figure out how to get realistic-enough looking discarded lottery tickets to blow around in the simulated breeze.
- True Gloucesterites will balk seeing the main character drive an undented Ford 250 with neither a plow mount nor trailer hitch.
- Distress crew hired to give lower Main Street a “gritty realism” stumped. “Don’t mess with perfection,” one of them was overheard to say.
- “See that guy? His brother used to bonk Gwyneth Paltrow!”
- Several days of shooting wasted while cast and crew tried to locate a Starbucks.
- Plot about man becoming the guardian of his brother’s son an evolution of original story of man becoming guardian of large pile of money.
- They knew they would get shit on by seagulls, but not so many times a fucking day.
- Damon was warned by the makers of The Perfect Storm that he’d never find a decent felafel. Did he listen? No, he did not.
- Jar Jar Binks has shitty Boston accent.
KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: S4 Episode 7, “The Maine Event”
Whoops, turns out I’m like forever behind on Wicked Tuna recaps. Mostly because I procrastinate in hatewatching this show. Alright, it’s not hatewatch, that seems too harsh- it’s more like “ambivalentwatch.” But let’s see if this week’s show is a total hot garbage pit, or if National Geographic can make fishing seem fun.
We start off with Stonerboat talking about food, to the surprise of no one. They catch a bite as they’re making dinner with another boat so one crew member is stuck on the other boat, and they make it look super dramatic as he LEAPS DANGEROUSLY the two feet back to Stonerboat. Tyler explains to the camera the difficulty in fishing for tuna at night, which is actually sort of logical and interesting. Mostly it’s dark and that makes it harder.
They catch their fish and because they are north of Glaahstaaah, they bring it to Kennebunkport, to a guy who appears to be wearing suspenders that double as measuring tapes. Bravo, sir, that’s Yankee ingenuity.
I can’t really knock him since I dress similarly and I don’t even work with fish.
Over on the Haaaahd Merchandise, Captain Dave “Obvious” Marciano comes up with “You have to go where the fish are going to catch them.” Fantastic insight, sir. There’s some whiny baby talk about the Hot Tuna stealing Stonerboat’s “spot” on the ocean (are you even fucking kidding it’s an ocean it’s not yours), like everyone fishing is about twelve years old.
As the Hot Tuna tries to get their giant fish aboard, they actually have to blur out TJ’s foot-long plumber crack. Son, let me introduce you to the world of belts. Or fuck it, suspenders. Look, you can even get ones that double as a tape measure. It’s a whole new experience, bro.
AGAIN THIS IS ON NATIONAL TV
After TJ and the Bears bring the fish in, the dog licks the dead tuna’s eyeballs. Fantastic. The Tuna.Com decides they shall also go where all these fish are going. Ugh seriously this show is boring as crap. Maine or Gloucester? No one caaares.
Oh look it’s the Lily, where they fish using ancient techniques like harpooning and using a plane (have they not heard of drones yet wtf), and they have the most insane accents in all the land. I want to know why Bill Muniz’ nickname is “Hollywood” honestly. Did he have some film career before this? Haha no of course not this is Gloucester. Anyway, this show is reaching so harrrrd at this point, so that random other harpoon boat they added gets a little segment. Then the Lily harpoons a tuna and gets yelled at. I, for one, like an immature manboy ocean fight.
After there’s some man-fights, Ol’ Hollywood tells the camera, “Yeah I’m cocky! I bring meat to the dock!” And I laugh because I am twelve.
Back where everyone and their syphilitic uncle is fishing, the Hard Merchandise gets a pity-bite. “We have to function like well oiled machine!” Dave tells the camera, blissfully unaware of the irony in that his entire boat looks like it’s either never seen a drop of oil or it all leaked into the sea before they got to the breakwater. They manage to actually catch the fish.
The Tuna.com has apparently been caught in the middle of the ocean without any water or ice, which is a smart move. As a “high seas courtesy” the Hot Tuna gives them extra in return for a promised bottle of Patron. Unsure if that’s an equal match but I guess I can try it sometime and let you know how it turns out.
The random other harpoon boat bitches about Mr Bill Hollywood. “If you took that plane away from him, he wouldn’t catch dick!” I would know, as I was named Dick Catcher of the Year for 3 seasons in a row in the late ’90s. It takes skill.
“That’s how you drive a boat, b*tch!” says somebody. I’m unsure if that’s good or bad.
Oh finally it’s over. No more harpoon boats for the rest of the season. Look how sad I am.
Fish Caught: I can’t remember, I think 6 sounds right.
Slow Motion Seagulls: 3
“I need this fish” count: 2
Random Boats: 3