Category: Uncategorized

Worst Insult Ever: “I don’t have a TV”

  By

This happens multiple times a week: I’m having a conversation with someone and they inevitably start talking about a TV show. I inform them I haven’t seen it, so of course they start talking about another show and I’m forced to say the dreaded words:

“I don’t have a TV”

It’s as if, in the middle of our discussion, I decided to wave around my genitals while singing “Deutschland über alles“. Later, on social media I see they’ve posted:  “I hate people who are always saying they don’t have a TV, it’s so elitist and rude.”

Fine. Fuck it. I give up.

An open letter to TV viewers who want to talk to me about TV:

How do you want to handle this because apparently what I’m doing isn’t working. You want to talk about TV, I don’t have a TV, but then you get offended when I tell you I don’t have one.

We are at an impasse.

Somethings gotta give. Let’s start with the fact that I’m not getting a TV and you obviously want to talk about TV, thus we need to figure something out.

Not getting one till they bring back 'Lidsville'

Not getting one till they bring back ‘Lidsville’

However, before we go on it’s essential to address the following point because it’s a foundational issue: The blowback against those who verbalize their lacking in this area seems to center around the absurd contention that people without TVs are somehow always telling everyone about it. I suggest the opposite: there are a lot of folks who want to talk about television all the fucking time and we without TV’s functionally can’t, and are therefore forced to mention it to people WHO ARE ALWAYS GOING ON AT LENGTH ABOUT FUCKING TV.

Look back on every conversation you’ve ever had with a non-TV owner and think if it really started with them offering out of the blue, “I don’t have a TV, let me tell you all about not having one…” Is that how it went? Really? You know what, those who don’t practice a particular hobby or activity are not prone to carrying on about their lack of participation. However, those that do a particular thing notably are. We’ve all been bored at a party listening to someone drone on about an interest after it’s been made apparent through easily detectable social cues no one actually wants to talk about that. When you’re talking to me about TV, that’s you.

Examples: No one says “Today I didn’t practice Ikebana, the traditional flower arranging art of Japan because I have no knowledge of its requirements or practice.” Neither do I describe my not boar hunting, my lack of a steam-powered gyrocopter or the fact that I don’t keep an alpine ibex for a pet.

Oh, you don't have one? Surely you'll want to discuss them at length then.

Oh, you don’t have one? Surely you’ll want to discuss them at length then.

Because I don’t watch TV I’m NEVER the one to bring it up as a topic. Why would I? So what do you want me to do after you’ve ask if I watch Game of Thrones? I’ve said I don’t, but THEN you inevitably have to ask if I watch House of Cards. I say, “no.” So then you ask about Sons of Anarchy or Breaking Bad? Are you not getting the picture here?

It’s a similar issue for people who went to Harvard I’ve found (I did not go to Harvard). People ask, “Where did you go to school?” They say, “Cambridge.” The inquisitor then asks, “Where in Cambridge?” and the one being questioned finally has to break down and say, “Harvard.” Next thing they’re dealing with someone going on about “I hate how people who went to Harvard are always throwing it around.” Well, what the fuck are they supposed to say when talking about college? She tried being vague, but you pressed her. Some people went to Harvard, get over it.

So in our imagined conversation I’ve just said I don’t watch the three shows you’ve offered. Three popular shows and I’ve never seen a singe episode of any of them. Huh. Yet the possibility I don’t watch ANY television at all has somehow not made it out onto the stage of the Cartesian theater of your consciousness (which may or may not have been addled by some passive, mindless activity you spend too much time at) so you keep listing shows like some kind of TV Guide girded in human flesh until you, exasperated, blurt out, “What shows do you like then?” And thus cornered I am forced to slap you in your very face with the the fact that I don’t have a TV.

My bad, I guess.

No other appliance seems to muster such affrontery. My foodie hipster friends without  microwaves don’t engender rage explaining their meal-warming life-choices. It’s not an insult for them to heat their coffee on a stove (for the record I have a microwave that I love the shit out of). Tell people you don’t have a stand-up mixer or even a dryer and no one gets huffy about it. But man, mention you don’t have a TV in context and they think you are making some kind of cultural judgement. Full disclosure: I am. But that’s fine, we don’t have to like the same things.

You're not into extreme ironing? That's cool.

Oh you’re not into extreme ironing? That’s cool. I guess.

It’s my choice and I’m happy with it. I’ve tried every possible way to inform you of this without offending you. I’ve nodded along. I’ve hoped you’d change the topic. I even said “I don’t watch much TV,” hoping you’d take the hint. But then you started telling me about the ‘educational’ TV you watch, how you and your significant other are really into ‘binge watching’ this one show, all the food programs you get great ideas from and then on to your ‘guilty pleasure trash reality TV’ you ‘hatewatch’ and you know what? WE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT FUCKING TV. The only way to get you to shut up about TV is to tell you I have absolutely no knowledge about TV beyond what I casually pick up via cultural osmosis and no desire to obtain more. It’s just not a thing I do.

So how to handle this? Should we come up with some kind of agreed-upon physical gesture I can make when the topic of TV comes up as not to upset your sensibilities? A flashing lapel pin? An app that tells every smartphone in a 50 yard radius a non TV-watcher is nearby so they can avoid talking to me? Semaphore flags? Hipster beard and copy of “Infinite Jest” tucked under one arm at all times?

maybe just show you this?
Should I get this to show you?

You tell me, TV people. I’m all out of ideas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nous sommes tous Charlie

  By

By Jim and KT both together

We here at The Clam did not particularly care for the cartoons French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo published of the Prophet Muhammad. They were crude, not particularly well drawn and what we found most unappealing was they simply weren’t funny.

Here’s a couple of them. Like we said, they sort of suck.

charliehebdotoonlamourcover.0.0

Charlie-Hedbo-18-Sept-2012
But note: Those shitty cartoons were stronger than any bomb, gun or blade that could ever be wielded toward their publisher. Did the perpetrators really think they are helping the cause of Islam? I mean, people say that assholes like the Westboro Baptist Church give Christians a bad name but they are simply being hamfistedly hateful toward homosexuals, probably because gays are better at choosing complementary colors for their signs. However it’s worth mentioniong that as vile as the Westboro idiots are, they’re not shooting anyone.

See. Now that's a nice sign.

See. Now that’s an appealing sign design

Can someone answer me this question: Do the attackers and their supporters actually believe they live in a universe created by a divine being who on one hand makes a complex structure like a quasar, spawns a trillion suns, conjures a billion billion galaxies, who creates the laws of physics and chemistry and life itself, but is offended by a fucking cartoon?

Over here at The Clam we get our share of weird threats, unhinged comments and drunk-at-the-keyboard smacktalk one expects online. And we goof on the city we deeply love a lot, but there is always somebody who not only doesn’t get the joke (huffing fiberglass hardener will do that to a man) but who also thinks that we are the one website in the world he or she (it’s often been a she) just has to SET STRAIGHT!

Screen shot 2015-01-07 at 8.54.49 PM

But for all that I find it hard to believe anyone would come in here and mow us down in a hail of gunfire over “Top Ten Gloucester Slang Terms for Sex” [#5: “Going to Annisquam”]. This is because for all the idiocy of our culture at times, we value the freedom of speech above all and our humorists in particular. We might wind up with our tires slashed or somebody might take a swing at us in the bar at some point, but our right to be obnoxious dickweeds was the first thing the founders of this country inked when they sat down to lay out the Bill of Rights. Everyone in the United States recognizes the freedom of the press. Well, everyone but Maryland Legislator Kirby Delauter.

We don’t mean to get hokey but we do take our responsibility, even as not official journalists, sort of seriously. More seriously than a lot of readers might expect (and unfortunately, more seriously than a lot of actual media outlets). Parody has always been a sign of a healthy society going back as least as far as Aristophanes, and his stuff still stands. Our sacred pledge, the thing we try to come back to again, is the satirists duty to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. To do this we are given permission to utter truths the rest of the culture dare not speak. It’s not exactly a superpower, but it is power, and with it comes responsibility.

But let’s be honest, we’re not the ones in danger. Unless that one manchild who was really pissed about Prospect Street Parking puts down his Twisted Tea and rises from his couch (unlikely). So let’s hear it from someone who’s spent his life dealing with this bullshit and who is much, much more articulate than us:

“Religion, a mediaeval form of unreason, when combined with modern weaponry becomes a real threat to our freedoms. This religious totalitarianism has caused a deadly mutation in the heart of Islam and we see the tragic consequences in Paris today. I stand with Charlie Hebdo, as we all must, to defend the art of satire, which has always been a force for liberty and against tyranny, dishonesty and stupidity. ‘Respect for religion’ has become a code phrase meaning ‘fear of religion.’ Religions, like all other ideas, deserve criticism, satire, and, yes, our fearless disrespect.”

– Salman Rushdie

We also stand with Salman Rushdie. Well, more like crouch with him, preferably in some kind of hardened bunker wearing full body armour (that’s an old Dave Barry line).

So fearless disrespect it is. We remember a joke from back in the ’80s: What is the title of Salman Rushdie’s next book? It’s called ‘Buddha Was a Fat Fucker” You know what’s funny about that? Everything. And we want to thank the Buddhists for laughing along with us (and probably at us too for just earning about fifty more rebirths) and not threatening to kill anybody.

Any other major religions paying attention there?

Top Ten New Years’ Resolutions for Gloucester

  By

We pulled a couple of all-nighters to ask every single man, woman, and child in our city what their New Years’ resolutions were for 2015. In the dead of night, we finished compiling the top ten resolutions Gloucester residents have. Et Voila!

10. Throw Fewer Nips on the Ground. Not “none”, but “fewer.” We’re only human, we can only do so much at once.

9. Put a little more effort into covering our soiled mattresses while they are curbside in front of our business.

8. Stop referring to neighboring towns as “Sexex”, “Shitwich”, “Cockport”, and “Menchest by the Semen.”

7. Cut down on parking directly in crosswalks or intersections.

6. Resist the urge to, just once, rev your Subaru’s engine when the cut bridge is going up, and do a Dukes of Hazzard up and over that thing to sweet, sweet freedom.

5. Don’t punch Tony at Fiesta. Yeah, he deserves it, but don’t punch him. You’re on probation until August.

4. When trying to get a tardy coworker out their domicile at 4:45am on the way to a work engagement, text first and knock second. “Honking in their driveway” is no longer an option.

3. Put a dollar in the “Fuller School” jar every time you mention how its limitless potential was squandered.

2. Wait until at least 20 minutes after a successful YMCA workout before lighting up a Marlboro Red and putting your pajamas back on.

1. Refrain from demanding awkward, unenforceable preconditions to local government appointments.

Mayoral Madness!

  By

Whelp, our intentions for the start of the year here at Ye Olde The Clam Internet Humor Site lie now in utter ruin. We had totally been planning on coming back strong off our much-needed R&R/court-mandated confinement with something cute and fun like:

TOP TEN GLOUCESTER REALITY SHOWS THAT CAN STEP UP AFTER “WICKED TUNA” IS DONE

It was mad funny, there was one called “Nips!” which featured beachwear malfunctions and clandestine drinking. You guys would have loved it, we had pictures and everything. But then the Mayor goes and resigns and people are making us do a journalism. Your loss.

Also train station jokes

Also train station jokes

CLAMSPLAINER, THE MAYOR:

Back in November longtime Mayor Kirk endorsed Charlie Baker for governor. That was weird because, like, why would she? It’s not as if he championed any particularly Gloucester-critical issues. In fact, in a debate answer to an unbelievably stupid fucking question he made up some weird shit about weeping over a fictional fisherman who Baker claimed had convinced his sons to join him on the boat even after receiving full scholarships to college. This was both strange and also insultingly dumbass because he made college and fishing seem mutually exclusive.

Son: “Dad, I’ve got a full scholarship to college, a 100K value at least!”

Dad: “Fuck that son, come fish with me. Also your brother too, who also has a full scholarship. You should both come fish with me RIGHT NOW, not in four years after school, nosir. Because education is anathema to we simplistic fisher folk.”

Sons: “Ok”

Charlie Baker: *Weeps*

Baker's likely closest encounter with real seafaring folk

Baker’s likely closest encounter with seafaring folk

Then nobody could find the guy who said it (because no one on fucking Earth would say that), Baker kind of walked it back and then didn’t. It was all weird and stupid and a huge campaign goof. But fortunately for Baker when running against Martha Coakley you’ve got to work harder than that at profound ineptitude because she just OWNS being a shit candidate and no cockamamie fish-guy story was going to keep her from her destiny of losing two major, winnable elections against Republicans in traditionally Democratic Massachusetts. “Back off, Charlie! This humiliating loss is MINE!”

Kirk’s endorsement was odd because she’s also supposedly a Democrat. Why endorse that guy? I mean, he’s not exactly Stalin or anything, but why bother? Charlie’s salty tears didn’t even win him Gloucester btw, he lost here. The whole thing was bizarre.

Fast forward to today and by sheer coincidence she’s offered a job in his administration. Pure chance. Like, they were going through Romney’s women binder maybe and her name came up. Whatever. This is how the game works.

So here we are with a mayor ghosting in short order. The Gloucester city charter, which many believe was originally scrawled out on napkins at Destino’s, says that since she is officially resigning after the 31st, the city councilors must select amongst themselves one of their own number to take the executive slot.

Sadly, they just vote

Sadly, they just vote

If they fail to do so then President of the City Council, currently Paul McGeary, automatically becomes Mayor. Simple enough, right? But here is where it gets complicated. More. More complicated.

As many may remember in the Fall longtime City Councilor Jackie Hardy passed away. There was all this talk about mandating her replacement be an “interim councilor” until the next election, using the example of a previous Mayor who left to join a gubernatorial administration in the past. To be clear: They used the example of a Mayor to talk about the appointment of a Councilor. Got it? This is important to understand the essence of the situation.

There is some logic, of course, wanting to give the voters their due voice, but then there were questions if anyone could actually enforce that precondition or not because there was tomato sauce obscuring that part of the charter or whatever. Can the Council actually make that demand? It turns out sorta no. I get that they were trying to solve a real issue and this was a solve, but it was election season and there was all kinds of high dudgeon about the place and this whole thing wound up getting blown out of proportion.

So fast forward to today and we need a mayor. The council has to appoint that person and if they choose to run in the regular election in November they can, like, the napkin is totes clear about that. Buuuut, some of the same people who suggested the enforced temporary councillor dealio also may want to run for mayor in the Fall their own selves. They no doubt are worried a loud chorus of people are going to go, “BUT YOU WANTED THE CITY COUNCIL POSITION TO BE INTERIM BASED ON THE EXAMPLE OF A MAYOR, SO WHY NOT THE SAME FOR THE MAYOR NOW!?!?! HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT, MISTER HYPOCRITICAL, HENG?”

Not available, apparently

Not available, apparently

In a normal world the Council would appoint someone and then they’d just run in the election and that would be the way the cookie crumbled. In hindsight one can point out that being mayor and councilor are fundamentally different things, one is a full time job, the other is part time and involve different levels of responsibility, yadda yadda.  You should read Bob Stewart’s bit about it in the GDT because it’s all sensible and stuff.

But since these guys went skeet shooting with their own feet about the “one and done” thing and used a mayoral example to back it up, we’re in kind of a mess. Greg Verga is running for mayor and won’t take the interim. Paul Lundberg has said he’s not interested in the temp job and is rumored to be considering a run as well. Paul McGeary, who was both the loudest voice for the interim-only Councilor Hardy replacement idea and is also the guy who winds up as mayor by default, maybe also wants to run in November and is showing no signs of wanting the temp slot.

But now Sefatia Romero Theken says she’s interested 

Okaaaaaaay. That’s……interesting. This takes the heat off the Pauls for the whole “one and done” mess and tees up the candidates for the election, so one can see the appeal to the Council right now. But Sefatia? The Godmother? Mayor?

You know who loves Sefatia? Me, that’s who. Like actual love. Seriously. She has helped endless people in this town. My family, for instance. My brother, a fisherman who was hit by a bus (he’s no good on land) owes his current condition of being alive to her. She’s an amazing person. She knows everybody and everything about everybody and unlike most people has an actual track record of getting shit done.

But what worries me most about Sefatia is not the fact that she’s one of the most notable characters in a town full to the waterline with big personalities. Sure, I have some concern that we’ll have another high-profile incident requiring a public response and she’ll punch a news reporter in the throat on national TV, telling him to go fuck himself because she’s busy trying to get the disabled Hood blimp out of the wind turbines or whatever the situation is, and then they’ll eat her alive. And yeah, I’m a little concerned that she’s suddenly going to be playing in a field where not everybody loves her, so I’m worried.

But the biggest thing I’m concerned about is that she’s going to have to get really good at saying “no.”

Because she’s not good at that. People come to her with things and she tries to help them. All of them. With everything she literally has. Her faith is obviously her core, but what’s different from her than most people is she’s crazy enough to ACTUALLY TRY TO DO WHAT IT SAYS. She gives to the poor, the helpless, the downtrodden, the stranger. Who does that?

1384027478Tv5h9e-i

And as mayor, if she winds up in that spot, she’s going to be presented every day with holes that can’t be filled, both literally and figuratively. Lord knows that we’ve come to see our fellow humans as disposable commodities in this Darwinian economy we find ourselves in here in the 21st century, but the reality is that being an executive is mostly about making unpleasant trade-offs rather than solving problems. Fire stations or schools? Cops or potholes? New sewers or affordable housing? Everyone has a hand out and each palm represents a legit need. The owners of those hands will belong to people she knows. The competing needs and interests rest in a frail balance.

“Frail” and “Balance” are not two words that have never been associated with Sefatia. She’s a “To the max” kind of person, it’s what we love about her.

Think about who usually become politicians: lawyers and businesspeople. Why? Because they are used to balancing interests, holding back and putting the benefits of one group ahead of another if it means meeting their goals. Can she do that? Will her outsized humanity allow her to do that?

And what to hope for? If she’s mayor, I want her to be successful. But I want her to be her, and a Sefatia who turns people away isn’t the Sefatia I know.

Stay tuned, Clampansinos. Thursday is the day.

Breaking: Mayor Resigns to Join Cthulhu Administration

  By

Ending weeks of speculation, today it was announced that Mayor Carolyn Kirk will resign as the mayor of Gloucester to join the administration of Cthulhu.

“I look forward to being able to work with, and for, the citizens of not just Gloucester, but Ry’leh, Innsmouth, and Arkham, in my new job in the Executive Office of Housing and Economic Development sector of the incoming administration. No longer shall we be a nightmare corpse-city” she said via Skype, setting up her underwater office, ” Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.” 

It had been long rumored that Kirk would make this jump, having lobbied hard for Cthulhu during voting season.