Top Ten New Years’ Resolutions for Gloucester

We pulled a couple of all-nighters to ask every single man, woman, and child in our city what their New Years’ resolutions were for 2015. In the dead of night, we finished compiling the top ten resolutions Gloucester residents have. Et Voila!

10. Throw Fewer Nips on the Ground. Not “none”, but “fewer.” We’re only human, we can only do so much at once.

9. Put a little more effort into covering our soiled mattresses while they are curbside in front of our business.

8. Stop referring to neighboring towns as “Sexex”, “Shitwich”, “Cockport”, and “Menchest by the Semen.”

7. Cut down on parking directly in crosswalks or intersections.

6. Resist the urge to, just once, rev your Subaru’s engine when the cut bridge is going up, and do a Dukes of Hazzard up and over that thing to sweet, sweet freedom.

5. Don’t punch Tony at Fiesta. Yeah, he deserves it, but don’t punch him. You’re on probation until August.

4. When trying to get a tardy coworker out their domicile at 4:45am on the way to a work engagement, text first and knock second. “Honking in their driveway” is no longer an option.

3. Put a dollar in the “Fuller School” jar every time you mention how its limitless potential was squandered.

2. Wait until at least 20 minutes after a successful YMCA workout before lighting up a Marlboro Red and putting your pajamas back on.

1. Refrain from demanding awkward, unenforceable preconditions to local government appointments.

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  1. Nailed it! Funny stuff!

  2. Leave the stock muffler on your 4 cylinder import car, to be radically different and stealthy.

    If you use your pick-em-up truck with monster straight-pipes less than twice a year to move objects over 100 pounds, sell it to someone in Lawrence and buy a Prius.

  3. To take all Christmas wreaths and kissing balls down before June….

  4. An addendum to number 9 please leave your couches on the street for no more then 4 days there is one up the street from me going on a month and a half

  5. And for the love of god can we agree no one should wear fleece pajama bottoms to the grocery store ever

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