No Snark Sunday: Annoyed for justice edition

Does he look annoying? Sure. Sorta.

Only doing slightly less work than typical Mass Highway employee.

Hey Clams of Justice. We’re gonna do a longer bit on for-real MLK Day, but to start, lets just throw a few points out there about how to and how not to talk about people protesting for something like equality, which is overall is a thing that is kinda important, even if you disagree with the method. 

1. When people are protesting for justice, even if you don’t agree with the cause or the method, do not make fun of the protesters’ weight lest ye also bring to mind the BMIs on both sides of a given issue. This was the most obnoxious thing I saw online, lots of angry posts about the girth of some of the people staging the traffic block on the expressway.

Do you really want to go there, hard rightwingers? Do we want to decide this in a weigh-off? Because I’m cool settle our differences by that means if you want, and to boot I’ll bring in obesity in red states and what it costs our country and the corporations who profit from it at the expense of the rest of us who actually eat vegetables and stuff. Let’s rumble (or jiggle, in your case).

2. Even if you are mad. Even if you are furious, never never say: “Just drive over them.” Never do this ever. These are human beings who believe something. They are not war criminals, they are not child murderers (and well get to the waaambulance thing in a second) they are not members of ISIS taking over towns and slaughtering and enslaving the innocent. You may think they are misguided, fine and you can be pissed they are making you late to work. But that does not merit the death penalty, saying so makes you look cruel and stupid. You know what’s going out of style? Cruel and stupid. Trust me on this.

3. Don’t bring up the “Ohmigod they diverted an ambulance and a patient had to go to a regional hospital in the Greater Boston Area!” which is like having to go to the third best restaurant in New York. For fucks’ sake people. If the Pats win the Superbowl and the streets are full of whooping moronati, let’s hear this complaint from the same mouths. Especially considering the occupants of the post-Pats win ambulances will be alcohol poisoned bros who jumped off lampposts and wound up with the handlebar of a Hubway bike forcefully inserted up their rectal cavity.

4. A message for the protesters: Your messaging sucks. It’s terrible. I get that you have a point to make and you are trying to be inclusive and all that, but your manifestos always argle bargle off into incomprehensible liberalspeak. FIX THIS IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO YOU.

You know what else matters? Web design.

You know what else matters? Web design.

Example: you chained yourself to a white barrel and you knew the press was coming, right? Did no one say, “Hey, maybe write “Black Lives Matter” on this in a pleasing yet imperative font? Did you not think to drive people to this website of yours to sign them up to maybe help with the cause like Moveon.org does? Your website is terrible, by the way. The worst. Fix it. If you are making “statements” then you are in the communication business so fucking act like it.

This shit matters if you are trying to reach a wider audience. “Black Lives Matter” is good, excellent even. YOU DON’T NEED TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE. In fact, saying more is a bad idea. I have always been profoundly vexed by the ability of the reactionaries to come up with a bumpersticker like “Nobama” that says everything it needs to in a single word and then have progressives do this:

28 words too many

How about just “Nobomber”?

5. But lastly, as wobblily executed as this was, I’ll be honest and say that the whole “black kids getting shot” thing was starting to leave my consciousness. I know it’s inconvenient to be reminded of hard truths, but changing minds is work so the protesters get credit for taking a shot at that.

They did more than me to create a fair and just society last week. That much is for sure.

We came, we Saugus, we kicked ass

When we here at The Clam hear the complaints that Boston is unsuitable as an Olympic host city because of simple issues like “capacity” or “infrastructure”, we are filled with rage. Actually, we are filled with rage a lot, it’s a side effect of the steroids we’re take in anticipation for the 2024 Games where we hope to compete in the co-ed “Mixed Drone Offensive Freestyle.” It’s an activity we presume will be added to the summer games within the next five years. It involves crossbows, bungee cords, and quadcopters with razor-sharp titanium rotors.

And the stadium is on fire

Also the stadium is on fire

But when we unclench our jaws long enough to speak, we tell the doubters and the haters they are thinking too small. That there is already a place just waiting for the kind of special attention and infrastructure improvements the games can bring. And an internationally-themed Olympic headquarters sitting empty, begging for glorious purpose.

And they say Boston is provincial

And they say Boston is provincial

Of course we’re talking about Saugus.

How can one not think of the Wampanoag word for “Great” or “Extended” when one mentions the Olympics? The thing goes on forever and ⅔ of it is completely inscrutable. Racewalking and solo synchronized swimming are actually Olympic sports, so Saugus is just weird enough to be a fantastic host for some of the more “out there” events.

Here are just a few we hope to see when the games cross the Tobin, get stuck for an hour on the hill up to Kappys, and break out into the city of (neon) lights.

Rollerhockey

Official team vehicle (TM)

Official team vehicle (TM)

If the games are coming to Mass, there has to be street hockey. How could we not have street hockey? I guess we could play it up in that hockey rink they have on the hill there, but really it should be back on some of those oddball side streets where there is like one house still facing Route 1.

Mini Golf

I'm seeing mascot potential here!

I’m seeing mascot potential here!

How is this already not an official olympic sport? By 2024 there are going to be very few Americans who can walk a whole mile without a sit-down meal halfway though – this is just the natural progression. Speaking of out of shape “athletes”, it’s also good to know there are batting cages where the Olympic baseball team can get take a few swings before they get some fried dough. Also the arcade has Galaga.

Pole Dancing

Classy!

A fella can really get a Saugus in there

The Golden Banana, further up the Pike (it was once called that, shut up) offers a terrific venue for those sports where attractive, smiling people in leotards prance around. They have a stage, lighting, a sound system, intimate seating, a bar, dressing rooms, a back room with private washrooms…. We have heard.

Whatever we can think of to do at the Hill Top.

Maybe they could rename it "Dodgeball City"

Maybe they could rename it “Dodgeball City”

Competitive eating? Mechanical bull riding? A boxing match spurned on when one of the competitors backs into another’s Grand Marquis? No matter what event, even table tennis will be greatly enhanced by being held in a room called “Sioux City.”

Karaoke

How is it possible a supercriminal has not made this place his lair yet?

We’re amazed a supercriminal has not made this place his lair yet?

This, we’re predicting will be the signature event of the 2024 games. And no better place to hold it but Weylus! Can you imagine the pageantry? The sizzle? The dazzle? The zazzle, even? Yes, sure, some of those waterfalls have now begun to pump pure algae and the black mold spores in the carpets regularly kick anthrax spores’ weird little spore asses when spores get together at spore things, but still- it will be amazing. And we should end the whole event with a signature Saugus-only closing ceremony where we demolish the entire Saugus Olympic village and put in a Kohl’s.

Try and top that, Munich!

Josh Turiel Reports Live from 2024

[Keeping with Olympic Week here at the Clam, today’s Guest Blogger is Salem City Councilor Josh Turiel]

In hindsight, sure it seemed like a really good idea to hold the sailing events in Marblehead. After all, some of America’s most famed regattas are held each year in these waters. But we probably should have thought harder about the scalability of the Marblehead Harbor area and the fact that THERE’S NOPLACE AT ALL TO PARK AND THE ONLY WAY TO WATCH THE BOATS IS FROM YOUR OWN BOAT.

I mean, how were we to know that the Wicked Tuna cast, with no fish left in the ocean to catch, would instead try and operate booze cruises for would-be spectators? Who’d have expected the Hard Merchandise to sink AGAIN, but this time in the middle of the course? Shouldn’t wreck avoidance be a skill you need to display, anyhow? Nobody really anticipated this happening.

And it’s really not anyone’s fault that the sewage line between Marblehead and Salem never quite got repaired right. It’s just too bad that the crew of the winning Laser Radial class yacht had to get tetanus shots after their victory leaps into the ocean. But hey, all the people watching that finish from Salem’s Winter Island and Hawthorne Cove Marina really enjoyed the spectacle. None of us thought a person could jump out of the ocean like a porpoise, but they proved us wrong.

Some things went very smoothly, though. It was really great that the folks up in Gloucester were willing to postpone Fiesta in order to sync up with the Olympics. Not only were we able to use the Greasy Pole as a very convenient landmark for the longest open water sailing events (giving us a reason to get some of the traffic out of Marblehead Harbor), but including Drunken 2AM Combat as an exhibition sport gave us not only our first local gold medal won by Shaw’s bagger and deckhand Justin Vergapalooza, Jr. – and I think it was the first step towards bringing MMA to the Olympics down the road. At the same time, perhaps Skee-Ball has a future in 2028?

In the end, though, the most amazing thing about the Olympic yachting events was that they were able to hold them at all. Given our roads and cabling infrastructure, most of us were sure that the boats would all get stuck by the time they were hauled off the Lynnway. Kudos to event planners for spending the $1.3 billion to bury the utility wires in Swampscott and Marblehead. We never would have gotten there without your sacrifice.

And it was fortunate that only a handful of sailors were stranded on Tinkers Island. Those tide charts can be finicky. Good thing there weren’t more strandings – the island has no plumbing.

No Snark Sunday: Abundance follies

So they emailed a wrench up to the International Space Station a couple of weeks ago. It’s a small thing, sort of nerdy-cool if you follow that sort of stuff, which I do. But so much that goes on in the space program seems to have little application here on Earth: “Astronauts on the International Space Station attempted to determine how waffles accept syrup in microgravity…” You get the feeling they are just sort of looking for shit to do up there.

When proctologists get this tech, worry

When proctologists get this tech, worry

The wrench thing, however, is going to rock all of our worlds: the ability to create the object you need when you need it the way you want it far from any supply chain. We’ve talked about that before and I can be proud to say Gloucester students are getting an excellent intro in that world with our 3D printing lab.

But maybe you’ve noticed something else disconcerting, that seems like a good thing but everyone is kind of weird about- on my way to the office this morning gas was $2.50 a gallon. That’s good right? You’d think the economy would be on a cheap-fuel drunk as everybody who manufactures, delivers, drives and ships just wound up with a few extra sacks of cash. Instead we’re all looking around going, “Huh?” Weren’t we just running out gas a couple of years ago? Wasn’t it going to five bucks a gallon on the way to ten?

There are a lot of explanations, but the biggest one is in category after category we’re transcending scarcity and it’s fucking everything up.

Our whole economic system, nay our billion-plus years of evolved instincts as living creatures in individual habitats is all about managing scarcity. Supply and demand, energy transfers, efficiency, Adams Smith and The Wealth of Nations, even Marx and his whole ‘surplus labor value’ insight, all of it depends on there not being enough of a particular thing and the folks who provide it to you getting paid for it. funny-clever-joke-Karl-Marx-beardEven Marxism breaks down without scarcity. Seriously.

In category after category the driving forces we depend on to run our economy the way in which we are accustomed are evaporating. Is music scarce? The very computer I’m typing on right now can play pretty much any song ever written without me paying a dime. This is becoming increasingly true across the board. Movies will be next, but soon enough complex physical objects and electronics. There are kids playing with robotic sets that would have made engineers weep with joy to have access just ten years ago. Ideas that were pipe dreams in the recent past are rolling out not as products, but as playthings for open-source communities. No one is getting paid but amazing work is being done.

That is kind of a problem, actually.

Everyone know what Instagram is? Photo sharing app, just bought by Facebook and was recently valued at 35 billion dollars, which is amazing. Until you think that Kodak, the company that essentially created modern photography and film, was at its peak only every worth 15 billion. That’s everything: real estate, manufacturing equipment, distribution networks, it had operations in every state and more than 30 countries. There were 140 thousand direct employees not to mention all the ancillary suppliers and the careers their technology made possible.

If you're going, "What are all the little boxes for" you are young. If you also wondering "And what's that black thing?" you make me want to drink lunch.

If you’re going, “What are all the little boxes for” you are young. If you also wondering “And what’s that black thing?” you make me want to drink lunch.

Instagram has 80 employees. It had 15 when it was purchased. Not enough to make for a crowd at the Rhumb Line on a Monday night. A 35 billion dollar company has fewer people than came to my daughters Bat Mitzvah.

More of that is coming. So much more. I’ve talked in this space about fusion. Since then Lockheed has applied for patents on components in something called a “high-beta fusion reactor” which it turns out a lot of groups have been working on. This is a device that can produce enough energy for 40 thousand homes and is about the size of a tractor trailer box, according to the current plans. It generates zero radiation out past 15 meters (you shield it within that) and can’t melt down like the reactors we have now, the fuel is abundant and easily derived from seawater. It’s essentially the PC of the energy category- computers were big infrastructure things back in the 70s but then small machines with incredible power blew the entire industry apart. It was great, but also incredibly disruptive but the good thing was technology people had other places to go, as the PC technology was essentially the same as the big washing-machine sized computers that filled up rooms back then..

It won’t be the same with fusion. Over a million people work directly in petroleum in the United States. And if these reactors are real, they will be built in a factory somewhere and shipped to sites for use. Today as we speak there are about a thousand dudes (for the non-gender specific value of ‘dude’) getting ready to start work on the new power plant in Salem. Plumbers, electricians, pipe fitters, crane operators, the guy who sells coffee, donuts and weed out of the roach coach truck that shows up for 11:00 break. When this tech comes on line all those people and their families and the people who sell them mortgages, cars and grow lights are all going to be screwed as well. And they won’t be able to all go work in the fusion industry as it will be a single plant making these things somewhere in California, most likely. And is the guy who welds steel going to be able to go work on the fusion reactor line anyway? Don’t think so, it will be highly robotic and specialized. Those jobs will just be lost.

Or you could just go work in the Off World Colonies

Or you could go work in the Off World Colonies

But it probably won’t be here for another 30 years, right? Wrong. Five at the earliest if their approach is valid (and it might not be) then ten at the outside. Great, now everyone who works in every component energy production is going to be fucked.

So petroleum is fucked, energy is fucked, if the 3D printing thing or it’s cousin-on-steroids ‘atomic scale manufacturing’ gets off the ground then China is oh-so-very fucked but so are a lot of industries here (medical devices and defense come to mind. Why make missiles or aircraft parts now if you can just produce them as needed?).

We’re so good at creating abundance that the scarcity needed for our economic model is going away. Shit.

The point is this: We make technologies come to life. It’s what Americans do. We are hands-down off-the-hook awesome at it and it really is our “thing.” I was working on a messaging campaign for a new aircraft a few years ago when an irate person of the foreign persuasion once pissily asked why English is the international language of Aviation, even outside the English-speaking world. The engineer looked at him and said, “If the Wright Brothers had been French, we’d speak that.” Simple enough.

But in our own culture we have to get better at making sure those displaced by the awesome shit we create are not excluded from the technological progress. We don’t and shouldn’t share the spoils of innovation and entrepreneurship equally, but there has to be some kind of better way to respond to someone who’s worked their whole life in the service of an industry and finds that it’s gone away essentially overnight. The disparities created are bad for our economy because fewer and fewer can take advantage of all the great stuff, which is sort of the point of making it in the first place. It’s bad for our culture as more and more folks are getting left behind making for class distinctions that are distinctly un-American. We’re not equal economically, but we’ve always been equal socially and that has to continue for us to be us. We don’t do aristocracy, it was sort of the point of the country to begin with. Here, in America, you get a fair shot and more and more that shot has to be applied in the middle of a life rather than at the start of one.

We also need to be better at managing change for communities, as the example of our own city of Gloucester shows. We let the rust belt go because it was no longer useful, we’re doing the same to Detroit. This always comes back and bites us in the ass when the social ills of poverty start spreading around.

Pre-apocalyptic Detroit. Makes you wonder if they'd notice.

Pre-apocalyptic Detroit. Makes you wonder if they’d notice.

This isn’t a liberal argument, it’s an economic one. Humans are not disposable. You cannot throw them ‘away” because there is no ‘away.’ They will be around, so lets make sure everyone has the opportunity not just to be a service lackey to the new oligarchy, but to be really useful and rewarded for it.

President Obama’s free community college idea is a start in that direction as is universal health care. But we need to do more. Famous economist KT Toomey once said that we need a social safety ‘trampoline’ not a safety ‘net.’ Our culture should be all about helping you bounce back from a changing industry in a positive and optimistic way, not mire you in a web of bullshit and scorn. I loved all the economic geniuses who said that we should have not given unemployment compensation to people out of work in the past five years, but instead send them to North Dakota where the oil fields were in desperate need of workers. Yeah, well now those fields are laying people off in the thousands as the price of crude plummets from $100 a barrel down to $30 so pretty good we didn’t do that, huh?

We need to think bigger than just the next move. We need to rethink the game.

Worst Insult Ever: “I don’t have a TV”

This happens multiple times a week: I’m having a conversation with someone and they inevitably start talking about a TV show. I inform them I haven’t seen it, so of course they start talking about another show and I’m forced to say the dreaded words:

“I don’t have a TV”

It’s as if, in the middle of our discussion, I decided to wave around my genitals while singing “Deutschland über alles“. Later, on social media I see they’ve posted:  “I hate people who are always saying they don’t have a TV, it’s so elitist and rude.”

Fine. Fuck it. I give up.

An open letter to TV viewers who want to talk to me about TV:

How do you want to handle this because apparently what I’m doing isn’t working. You want to talk about TV, I don’t have a TV, but then you get offended when I tell you I don’t have one.

We are at an impasse.

Somethings gotta give. Let’s start with the fact that I’m not getting a TV and you obviously want to talk about TV, thus we need to figure something out.

Not getting one till they bring back 'Lidsville'

Not getting one till they bring back ‘Lidsville’

However, before we go on it’s essential to address the following point because it’s a foundational issue: The blowback against those who verbalize their lacking in this area seems to center around the absurd contention that people without TVs are somehow always telling everyone about it. I suggest the opposite: there are a lot of folks who want to talk about television all the fucking time and we without TV’s functionally can’t, and are therefore forced to mention it to people WHO ARE ALWAYS GOING ON AT LENGTH ABOUT FUCKING TV.

Look back on every conversation you’ve ever had with a non-TV owner and think if it really started with them offering out of the blue, “I don’t have a TV, let me tell you all about not having one…” Is that how it went? Really? You know what, those who don’t practice a particular hobby or activity are not prone to carrying on about their lack of participation. However, those that do a particular thing notably are. We’ve all been bored at a party listening to someone drone on about an interest after it’s been made apparent through easily detectable social cues no one actually wants to talk about that. When you’re talking to me about TV, that’s you.

Examples: No one says “Today I didn’t practice Ikebana, the traditional flower arranging art of Japan because I have no knowledge of its requirements or practice.” Neither do I describe my not boar hunting, my lack of a steam-powered gyrocopter or the fact that I don’t keep an alpine ibex for a pet.

Oh, you don't have one? Surely you'll want to discuss them at length then.

Oh, you don’t have one? Surely you’ll want to discuss them at length then.

Because I don’t watch TV I’m NEVER the one to bring it up as a topic. Why would I? So what do you want me to do after you’ve ask if I watch Game of Thrones? I’ve said I don’t, but THEN you inevitably have to ask if I watch House of Cards. I say, “no.” So then you ask about Sons of Anarchy or Breaking Bad? Are you not getting the picture here?

It’s a similar issue for people who went to Harvard I’ve found (I did not go to Harvard). People ask, “Where did you go to school?” They say, “Cambridge.” The inquisitor then asks, “Where in Cambridge?” and the one being questioned finally has to break down and say, “Harvard.” Next thing they’re dealing with someone going on about “I hate how people who went to Harvard are always throwing it around.” Well, what the fuck are they supposed to say when talking about college? She tried being vague, but you pressed her. Some people went to Harvard, get over it.

So in our imagined conversation I’ve just said I don’t watch the three shows you’ve offered. Three popular shows and I’ve never seen a singe episode of any of them. Huh. Yet the possibility I don’t watch ANY television at all has somehow not made it out onto the stage of the Cartesian theater of your consciousness (which may or may not have been addled by some passive, mindless activity you spend too much time at) so you keep listing shows like some kind of TV Guide girded in human flesh until you, exasperated, blurt out, “What shows do you like then?” And thus cornered I am forced to slap you in your very face with the the fact that I don’t have a TV.

My bad, I guess.

No other appliance seems to muster such affrontery. My foodie hipster friends without  microwaves don’t engender rage explaining their meal-warming life-choices. It’s not an insult for them to heat their coffee on a stove (for the record I have a microwave that I love the shit out of). Tell people you don’t have a stand-up mixer or even a dryer and no one gets huffy about it. But man, mention you don’t have a TV in context and they think you are making some kind of cultural judgement. Full disclosure: I am. But that’s fine, we don’t have to like the same things.

You're not into extreme ironing? That's cool.

Oh you’re not into extreme ironing? That’s cool. I guess.

It’s my choice and I’m happy with it. I’ve tried every possible way to inform you of this without offending you. I’ve nodded along. I’ve hoped you’d change the topic. I even said “I don’t watch much TV,” hoping you’d take the hint. But then you started telling me about the ‘educational’ TV you watch, how you and your significant other are really into ‘binge watching’ this one show, all the food programs you get great ideas from and then on to your ‘guilty pleasure trash reality TV’ you ‘hatewatch’ and you know what? WE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT FUCKING TV. The only way to get you to shut up about TV is to tell you I have absolutely no knowledge about TV beyond what I casually pick up via cultural osmosis and no desire to obtain more. It’s just not a thing I do.

So how to handle this? Should we come up with some kind of agreed-upon physical gesture I can make when the topic of TV comes up as not to upset your sensibilities? A flashing lapel pin? An app that tells every smartphone in a 50 yard radius a non TV-watcher is nearby so they can avoid talking to me? Semaphore flags? Hipster beard and copy of “Infinite Jest” tucked under one arm at all times?

maybe just show you this?
Should I get this to show you?

You tell me, TV people. I’m all out of ideas.