Details Released About Upcoming Film Manchester By the Sea!

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All over town you see the trucks and setups for the filming of “Manchester By the Sea,” a movie about the eponymous town apparently set here in Gloucester. The Clam Investigative team has uncovered some juicy details about the production by purchasing scorpion bowls for a few of the crew at a local eating establishment. Here is what we discovered:

  • The reason it’s being filmed in Gloucester is because every time a crew would set up in the correct town residents would call a “suspicious van” in to Manchester Police.
  • Casey Affleck still makes less than the average MBTS resident.
  • The third act includes a heart-wrenching scene of Crosby’s running out of shrimp before Memorial Day Weekend.
  • Set management in Gloucester has proven challenging and sound engineers are already wondering how they are going to remove the constant shouting of “Mahkey Mahk has a biggah dick!” at the cast and crew from passerby.
  • Matt Damon will only eat pumpkin flavored munchkins on set, and Dunkins outlets on Cape Ann have been working overtime to make special off-season batches for him.
  • LA based crew has no idea how a rotary works, had to hire special drivers to guide them through.
  • The original plan of creating a computer animated rendering of Gloucester and adding the actors into the scenes in post production was scrapped when animators could not figure out how to get realistic-enough looking discarded lottery tickets to blow around in the simulated breeze.
  • True Gloucesterites will balk seeing the main character drive an undented Ford 250 with neither a plow mount nor trailer hitch.
  • Distress crew hired to give lower Main Street a “gritty realism” stumped. “Don’t mess with perfection,” one of them was overheard to say.
  • “See that guy? His brother used to bonk Gwyneth Paltrow!”
  • Several days of shooting wasted while cast and crew tried to locate a Starbucks.
  • Plot about man becoming the guardian of his brother’s son an evolution of original story of man becoming guardian of large pile of money.
  • They knew they would get shit on by seagulls, but not so many times a fucking day.
  • Damon was warned by the makers of The Perfect Storm that he’d never find a decent felafel. Did he listen? No, he did not.
  • Jar Jar Binks has shitty Boston accent.

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: S4 Episode 7, “The Maine Event”

Whoops, turns out I’m like forever behind on Wicked Tuna recaps. Mostly because I procrastinate in hatewatching this show. Alright, it’s not hatewatch, that seems too harsh- it’s more like “ambivalentwatch.” But let’s see if this week’s show is a total hot garbage pit, or if National Geographic can make fishing seem fun.

We start off with Stonerboat talking about food, to the surprise of no one. They catch a bite as they’re making dinner with another boat so one crew member is stuck on the other boat, and they make it look super dramatic as he LEAPS DANGEROUSLY the two feet back to Stonerboat. Tyler explains to the camera the difficulty in fishing for tuna at night, which is actually sort of logical and interesting. Mostly it’s dark and that makes it harder.

They catch their fish and because they are north of Glaahstaaah, they bring it to Kennebunkport, to a guy who appears to be wearing suspenders that double as measuring tapes. Bravo, sir, that’s Yankee ingenuity.

I can't really knock him since I dress similarly and I don't even work with fish.

I can’t really knock him since I dress similarly and I don’t even work with fish.

Over on the Haaaahd Merchandise, Captain Dave “Obvious” Marciano comes up with “You have to go where the fish are going to catch them.” Fantastic insight, sir. There’s some whiny baby talk about the Hot Tuna stealing Stonerboat’s “spot” on the ocean (are you even fucking kidding it’s an ocean it’s not yours), like everyone fishing is about twelve years old.

As the Hot Tuna tries to get their giant fish aboard, they actually have to blur out TJ’s foot-long plumber crack. Son, let me introduce you to the world of belts. Or fuck it, suspenders. Look, you can even get ones that double as a tape measure. It’s a whole new experience, bro.

AGAIN THIS IS ON NATIONAL TV

AGAIN THIS IS ON NATIONAL TV

After TJ and the Bears bring the fish in, the dog licks the dead tuna’s eyeballs. Fantastic. The Tuna.Com decides they shall also go where all these fish are going. Ugh seriously this show is boring as crap. Maine or Gloucester? No one caaares.

Oh look it’s the Lily, where they fish using ancient techniques like harpooning and using a plane (have they not heard of drones yet wtf), and they have the most insane accents in all the land.  I want to know why Bill Muniz’ nickname is “Hollywood” honestly. Did he have some film career before this? Haha no of course not this is Gloucester. Anyway, this show is reaching so harrrrd at this point, so that random other harpoon boat they added gets a little segment. Then the Lily harpoons a tuna and gets yelled at. I, for one, like an immature manboy ocean fight.

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After there’s some man-fights, Ol’ Hollywood tells the camera, “Yeah I’m cocky! I bring meat to the dock!” And I laugh because I am twelve.

Back where everyone and their syphilitic uncle is fishing, the Hard Merchandise gets a pity-bite. “We have to function like well oiled machine!” Dave tells the camera, blissfully unaware of the irony in that his entire boat looks like it’s either never seen a drop of oil or it all leaked into the sea before they got to the breakwater. They manage to actually catch the fish.

The Tuna.com has apparently been caught in the middle of the ocean without any water or ice, which is a smart move. As a “high seas courtesy” the Hot Tuna gives them extra in return for a promised bottle of Patron. Unsure if that’s an equal match but I guess I can try it sometime and let you know how it turns out.

The random other harpoon boat bitches about Mr Bill Hollywood. “If you took that plane away from him, he wouldn’t catch dick!” I would know, as I was named Dick Catcher of the Year for 3 seasons in a row in the late ’90s. It takes skill.

“That’s how you drive a boat, b*tch!” says somebody. I’m unsure if that’s good or bad.

Oh finally it’s over. No more harpoon boats for the rest of the season. Look how sad I am.

 

Fish Caught: I can’t remember, I think 6  sounds right.

Slow Motion Seagulls: 3

“I need this fish” count: 2

Random Boats: 3

 

No Snark Sunday: Droneiversary

Last year, on this date, I flew a drone for the first time with Martin DelVecchio. It’s my first doneversiary.

A few weeks later we were asked to shoot a drone-picture of the new Cape Ann Food Pantry groundbreaking. I remember thinking, “How is it we’ve solved the problem of quadcopter control dynamics but we still have working people who go hungry?” As we were getting “Droning Myrtle” into the air a super-enraged guy who lives next door to the site saw the drone and leapt out of his car. He literally shook his cane at us, shrieking, “I know my constitutional rights!”

He was approaching in a not exactly unthreatening manner when he fell over, obviously painfully. I was going to go help him up, but this would have meant switching over to a landing cycle and he sort of scrabbled off before I could react. I think he was OK.

Somehow I feel like this scene spoke a lot about where we’re at as a culture right now. We have incredible new technology but the same social problems. Some folks are angry and confused, but mad at the wrong things (Dude could rage at a system that won’t pay a living wage to retail and service workers, forcing them onto public support maybe?). Our most passionate arguments seem to be about stupid fake bullshit like Fluoride, not actual pressing issues like changing economies and climate.

Last week we went out to LA on a drone-related project (much more to come on this in upcoming weeks). At the Logan Hudson News there was a drone magazine right out front next to the sudoku puzzles and US Weekly. In LA some dude was flying a lit-up drone down Hollywood Boulevard for no apparent reason (Because LA). There were still people sleeping in the streets and the news was full of Baltimore.

Technology does not change who we are, it just makes it far more efficient for us to be ourselves, for better and worse.

I suppose the takeaway for me was this: alongside our exponentially developing tech we need to keep improving who we are and the ways in which we relate to our fellow beings. Speaking as someone who loves the gizmos and what they can do, it’s all too easy a thing to forget.