Sweet crap, we’re back with another episode of the show no one really wants to admit isn’t that great, our very own Wicked Tuna. I’m here to recap this show so you don’t have to watch it, unless you’re into that sort of thing.
The first segment this week is pretty much “How Paul Hebert Has Sucked So Far”, including a part where another fisherman totally calls out the fact that Mr. Paul has worked on like seven boats since this show started and hasn’t caught a fish yet this season, and reference “Paul’s drama boats”. They make sure to add that he’s a good fisherman as sort of a half-assed defense. Damn, these bros are harsh, although he deserves it. Probably. I don’t know, I’m barely paying attention.
Oh crap, a brand new fucking boat. Okay, interesting. All of a sudden they drop the harpoon boat Kristiana on me. They introduce the crew, and I’m already bored to tears. Wait, wait! They have footage of a guy so determined to beat Bill “Hollywood” Muniz that he’s been practicing chucking harpoons from the roof of his garage into hay bales.
This is really what reality TV has come to.
Over on Hollywood Bill’s boat, some talk happens. The only thing I know about this guy is that he did a talk at O’Maley about excellence and said he hated school, only wanted to fish, and all his friends from school were dead or in jail. If all the thirteen year old girls I know are snarking on you, bro, that’s not a good sign. Anyway if you didn’t know (like me), harpooning is different and they have like, a pilot scouting for tuna who has to communicate with the boat so the guy can literally climb up on scaffolding and throw a javelin at it. It’s kind of interesting, but also can’t we use drones? No? Just saying. Drones.
The Kristiana doesn’t have a spotter pilot, so they try to explain they just kind of look from the boat. “You just look for the different funny water.” Fascinating. They also mention that one guy acts like “a little kid, you want to puke and sh*t your pants because you want to go tuna fishing.” Classbag, this boat.
Over on the Kelly Ann, the owner howls, “We hired Paul for one reason” and I shout “TO BE ON TV!” but I guess the real answer was “to catch giant tuna fish!” Everyone assures one another they are “in the zone”, and then hook a fish, but end up losing it, and everyone blames Paul, who kind of bumbles around endearingly.
Hollywoodbill and the Lily end up spearing the bejebus out of two fish, which is pretty impressive I guess? I don’t know. I don’t understand fish. I just eat them. The Kristiana
“We Need This Fish” Count: 1
“Reel Reel Reel” Count: 2
You’ve saved me from an hour of sheer boredom