Yesterday at around 11:30AM something glorious happened. Not glorious from a “good thing to do” perspective because the something involved a bank robbery and we at The Clam are opposed to thievery and threats of violence in all forms (no one was hurt).
And it’s not just that this particular (suspected) robber escaped on foot and into a taxicab essentially right in front of the Gloucester Police headquarters, which you have to admit is sort of awesome. Or that he later got out of that cab when he thought the driver was on to him, ran around town for a while like a husky who’d broken his lead and was eventually apprehended at the train station because the police suspected from “their investigation” that their man may be heading toward the commuter rail. “Their investigation” to read, “This dipshit obviously doesn’t even have a fucking car.” Though we do commend suspect Derek Potocki for his ongoing commitment to minimizing his carbon footprint on his heists (he’s also the prime suspect for a similar hit on a bank in Manchester NH where the robber fled on a bike). Also: commuter rail as escape plan. Oh God, one sec. Have to pee again laughing so hard.
Ok, back. Sorry.
No, in the end it was one detail which put the finishing touch on the operatic beauty of this particular caper. Take it away block quotes from the Gloucester Daily Times (paywall or working knowledge of proxy servers required):
“I saw the fellow walk in, he had on sunglasses,” he [a bank customer] said. “He had a fake beard which was the most identifying feature, which made me curious. I said that to the bank … officer. We both kind of looked and didn’t think anything of it.”
Tell me, dear reader. Do you find it more just freaktastically awesome that this guy who couldn’t even arrange for a friend to give him a ride to knock over a bank happened to have a fake beard with him, or that in our beloved city there is enough general weirdness for a bank customer and employee to see a dude in line wearing sunglasses and a fake beard and just basically shrug and go “This town’s sure got its share, eh?”
But back to my earlier point, did he bring the beard? Does he always carry a fake beard at all times and if so, how great is that? Or, even greater, was it improvised with like yarn or construction paper or something? Or did he go next door to the Walgreens and buy a “fun disguise kit” from the toy aisle or perhaps, even more astoundingly awesome in the “too much to hope for” department, did he purchase a bright read beard as part of a leprechaun costume in preparation for the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day holiday?
Sorry, too much coffee today. Right back. Gotta clean my glasses too, tears.
We at The Clam are trembling with anticipation for the release of the security camera footage. We live for this sort of thing. Honestly (We have no lives).
So, in preparation, let’s have a little poll to see if we can guess the kind of beard the (suspected) Mr. Potocki was wearing (As a suspect. A bearded suspect.). Winners get bragging rights and Clam sticker if you ask when we have one on us.