Yesterday at around 11:30AM something glorious happened. Not glorious from a “good thing to do” perspective because the something involved a bank robbery and we at The Clam are opposed to thievery and threats of violence in all forms (no one was hurt).
And it’s not just that this particular (suspected) robber escaped on foot and into a taxicab essentially right in front of the Gloucester Police headquarters, which you have to admit is sort of awesome. Or that he later got out of that cab when he thought the driver was on to him, ran around town for a while like a husky who’d broken his lead and was eventually apprehended at the train station because the police suspected from “their investigation” that their man may be heading toward the commuter rail. “Their investigation” to read, “This dipshit obviously doesn’t even have a fucking car.” Though we do commend suspect Derek Potocki for his ongoing commitment to minimizing his carbon footprint on his heists (he’s also the prime suspect for a similar hit on a bank in Manchester NH where the robber fled on a bike). Also: commuter rail as escape plan. Oh God, one sec. Have to pee again laughing so hard.
Oceans Eleven would have been a very different movie if they took the T
Ok, back. Sorry.
No, in the end it was one detail which put the finishing touch on the operatic beauty of this particular caper. Take it away block quotes from the Gloucester Daily Times (paywall or working knowledge of proxy servers required):
“I saw the fellow walk in, he had on sunglasses,” he [a bank customer] said. “He had a fake beard which was the most identifying feature, which made me curious. I said that to the bank … officer. We both kind of looked and didn’t think anything of it.”
Tell me, dear reader. Do you find it more just freaktastically awesome that this guy who couldn’t even arrange for a friend to give him a ride to knock over a bank happened to have a fake beard with him, or that in our beloved city there is enough general weirdness for a bank customer and employee to see a dude in line wearing sunglasses and a fake beard and just basically shrug and go “This town’s sure got its share, eh?”
But back to my earlier point, did he bring the beard? Does he always carry a fake beard at all times and if so, how great is that? Or, even greater, was it improvised with like yarn or construction paper or something? Or did he go next door to the Walgreens and buy a “fun disguise kit” from the toy aisle or perhaps, even more astoundingly awesome in the “too much to hope for” department, did he purchase a bright read beard as part of a leprechaun costume in preparation for the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day holiday?
Sorry, too much coffee today. Right back. Gotta clean my glasses too, tears.
We at The Clam are trembling with anticipation for the release of the security camera footage. We live for this sort of thing. Honestly (We have no lives).
So, in preparation, let’s have a little poll to see if we can guess the kind of beard the (suspected) Mr. Potocki was wearing (As a suspect. A bearded suspect.). Winners get bragging rights and Clam sticker if you ask when we have one on us.
Sensei. Because, he’s mastered the art of zen absurdity.
I obviously had to pick the Lincoln but evil Spock is my second.
As the owner of the yarn store I’d love to vote for #6 Captn Yarnbeard… but also as said owner of yarn store I can tell you that we had no such customer come in to by yarn for such a beard. We would have noticed and immediately been suspicious of an unknown UNBEARDED gentleman and put the staff on high alert. It had to be the lumberjack. Rumor around town is that there was pressed wild flower residue on his clothing.
It’s well-known I’ll always vote for the lumberjack.
15. The Quaker
Astounded the cabby didn’t ask for a cut.
I can say that, as his brief driver, he desired transportation to a destination close to the local commuter rail station. Whether his cause was to reduce his carbonated footprint (Is that the correct term? I’m Republican) is up to us here on the island and surrounding universe to surmise.
No, my last name forces me to use an alias here and obey each and every law on the books. In addition, not one of Lighthouse Taxi’s drivers WOULD have accepted one.
What I want to know, is why this witness who saw a guy..in a bank..sporting a fake beard, didn’t think to take a picture to post on “Because Gloucester” What the hell!
I’m sure that’s just a typo. The letters of “We saw a guy in a bank wearing dark glasses and a fake beard so we called the FBI, the local SWAT team, a few TV stations, and started posting on Facebook and Instagram.” can be rearranged in a few simple steps to the statements in the quote.
Can we add this story to the “Only in Gloucester” list?
black jesus, because he’ll forgive the muthas for arresting him.
Leprechaun because
It was a one stop shop at Walgreens. Ya get the glue,ya get the razor,manscape in the bathroom, and ya throw it on ya face. Boom! Instabeard. It should be on this list.
I’d suggests that journalistic caution would lead the clam to temper its commendation, thus: “we do commend suspect Derek Potocki for his ongoing *alleged* commitment to minimizing his carbon footprint on his heists”. Firstly, he’ll need to prove that his use of a taxi-to-train transport reflects a more than temporary expedient commitment to green house gas reduction. Does he also show similar admirable choices when he is, say, holding up a convenience store? Also, a genuine commitment to a better environment might have seen him fleeing on bike on the newly provided cycle path.
I can say that, as his brief driver, he desired transportation to a destination close to the local commuter rail station. Whether his cause was to reduce his carbonated footprint (Is that the correct term? I’m Republican) is up to us here on the island and surrounding universe to surmise.
Gloucester could use a Gandalf.