Ayn Rand Dead in Gloucester Snowstorm

Rand, smoking

Rand, smoking

110 year old philosopher and novelist Ayn Rand perished in a snowstorm that covered much of the Northeast this week. Thought to have died in 1982, it was revealed she simply faked her own death to avoid paying debts on the successful treatment of her lung cancer which ran into the hundreds of thousands of dollars, her being philisopically opposed to Medicare.

Having escaped to East Gloucester to live under an assumed name, she was known for loudly rejecting help from neighbors. “Do not condescend to me with charity,” she shouted at Bob D’Palazola who just recently tried to remove snow from her driveway with his snowblower as he had for many elderly neighbors on the street.

“I thought she was nuts,” said the plumber and good Samaritan, “Considering how much she smokes there is no way she should be out there shoveling herself. I tried to get her reconsider but she started yelling about how indebtedness corrupting the fiber of the soul of man and I’m like screw it, Ill just go do my brother-in-laws house.”

D'Palazola after giving up on the "Batshit crazy Russian lady" as he called her.

D’Palazola after giving up on the woman he correctly referred to as a “Batshit crazy Russian lady”.

Other neighbors were shunned by the centenarian objectivist when they attempted to bring gifts of fresh baked cinnamon buns and hot cocoa during a “senior wellness check” organized by residents. Mary Ellen Katzen, a local volunteer, claimed to have been berated at Rand’s door. “She started yelling about how the strong owe nothing to the weak and I was just like, ‘have some cinnamon buns’ but she ¬†batted them away told me to blow them into brass coins and spread them at the winds for the poor of spirit. What does that even mean?”

Rand’s long and eventful life was ended by an hit-and-run with a snowplow as she attempted to shuffle down to the Richdale for cigarettes. The as-yet-unidentified truck most likely belonged to an unlicensed plow company and was reported by witnesses to have a Gadsden flag sticker on the back windshield.

Also an out of date inspection sticker

Also an out of date inspection sticker

 

Rand is survived by several hundred thousand lonely men in fedoras.

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31 Comments

  1. I eagerly await the movie, “Rand goes down to the sea for cigs”.

    Brilliant.

  2. Wasn’t this supposed to be about [redacted by legal], the prop 2 1/2 [redacted by legal], dying of a heart attack on her kitchen floor because local ambulance response times had increased from 5 to 15 minutes? Did the Clam’s legal department put the kibosh on a piece about a living person?

  3. brilliant!

  4. This was the funniest thing I’ve read in awhile. Perfect!

  5. Pingback: Ayn Rand Dead in Gloucester Snowstorm | Progressive Action New Hampshire

  6. Steven Kloppenburg

    On this day Atlas shrugged and then cried. We who knew her realized that this time would come yet still, it catches us unprepared. I shall inform Congressman Ryan and he can arrange the State Funeral. She will be “Lying In State” in the lobby of Koch Industries. All pallbearers will wear fedoras Have you heard if there is a will?

  7. Of course, being Ayn, she left nothing to anyone. It all went up in smoke.

  8. “Rand is survived by several hundred thousand lonely men in fedoras.”

    Genius.

  9. Now, if we could just kill off all her ideas….

  10. How is it known that she is really dead this time?

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  12. this was so funny…. I was a little suspicious from the Glouster Clam title… But then faked her death started to sucker me in… By the end I was laughing out loud!!!

  13. I rarely, if ever, actually laugh out loud at something I’m reading, but that had me giggling like a naughty little boy!

  14. Laughed out loud- thank you for this!

  15. Atlas Just Shrugged!

  16. Looking forward to more of the Gloucester Clam. This came to me by way of a friend living in Santa Fe, N.M. …go figure! Seems as though you are appreciated in the high mesa as well!

  17. Funny. Her final endeavor was to write “50 Shades of Grey” under a pseudonym.

  18. Does anyone else live with the shame of having a Fountain Head phase in college? My drunk, closeted Crossfire -admirer boyfriend thought she was the voice of our generation or som shit. We also were dealing with trying to understand the whole Nicaragua thing and if we should just protest cause fuck Reagan.

  19. I recently sat in on an in-depth interview with dear Ayn and Brian Williams at an ISIS beheading camp.Gee, she looked so healthy! Damn plow drivers

  20. You guys just don’t get it! That was no spoof. We have been hunting her for 30 years, offering to clean her driveway, bringing her cinnamon buns and trying in other more subtle ways to gain access to her hideaway. Thank heavens she still lives and breathes. The runover was simply another contrived story. She is planning in 10 years to “choke to death” on an unshelled lobster claw. What more proof do we need that she is indeed invincible, moreso than Atlas himself? Word is that she is founding a new party, the Shruggers, whose fundamental objective is to seek eternal life through genetic superiority.

  21. Pingback: Never Yet Melted » Ayn Rand 110th Birthday Humor

  22. so, is ramd paul doing the eulogy?

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