An important safety reminder from the Clam

Gloucester is a small town. Not in your “Midwestern” style of small town with isolated farms and a mini-mall at the crossroads but more of your European-style small town meaning “thousands of people crammed together on some geographical feature most of whom are related by blood.” And in this small town, tomorrow morning, at approximately the same time everyone in town except our most retiredest and inoxicatedest residents will all try and get on the road at once. The Clam, as a public service, would therefore like to remind you that:

  1. The streets are now even fucking narrower than they were a couple of days ago. This may mean you need to stop and let traffic by that is coming in the other direction. There was barely room for two cars on 40% of our roads, now you can fit two cars on the 128 extension, maybe.
  2. The roads are going to be slippery and full of people in some kind of semi-urgent distress because they are out of energy drinks and vaping supplies. SLOW THE EFF DOWN. Yes, you in the large black truck who thinks you can just drive around town at 45mph because that logo of Calvin pissing on the competitor truck’s logo proves you’re a TOTAL BADASS. Yes, you. Slow down. Everybody. Me too. For reasons I’m not quite sure of they seem to have not to have treated the roads at all or maybe that’s just East Gloucester. Anyone else notice this? Is that a thing now? When I was a kid they a thing called “sand” but I don’t know if they still make it.

    so, it's consensual then?

    so, it’s consensual then?

  3. Kids are stupid. I can tell you this because I was both once a kid who was stupid and have kids and though they are smart in many ways, in others they are stupid. For instance: During the storm we’re snowblowing out my neighbor. My son was on the snowbank and the truck clearing our street came by.
    basically this with a plow

    basically this with a plow

    It’s a giant military surplus crane with a plow the size of a Dutch seawall came blaring down so I yelled, “Get off the snowbank and get behind me,” so he jumps INTO THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE TRUCK rather than just take a few steps toward the house and then RUNS DIRECTLY AT THE FRONT OF THE 1976-MADE ALL-METAL SNOWBLOWER THAT COULD DICE A MUSK OX INTO CONFETTI WITHOUT BOGGING THE MOTOR DOWN. So kids are going to be running around everywhere, out of driveways and walks and all kinds of places we won’t be expecting. So slow down and pay attention. No one is getting anywhere on time tomorrow, just live with it.

  4. Sidewalks are not getting cleared. We’ll have more to say about the whole sidewalk issue tomorrow, but the reality is only a small portion of them are getting cleared at all, and very few by commute time. Which means the already narrower roads will have people in them as well. Some of those people will be drunk. Can you blame them?

    pictured: you

    pictured: you

Anyway, stay safe out there. Only a few more storms like this to go!

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  1. I am in pain from 4 shoveling sessions today. There is nowhere else to put the damn stuff….my neighbor on one side throws it down my side steps – so, with mine – the pile is higher than we can throw more down. On the other side…same thing. People on my street are carrying snow, by the shovel to the other side of the street where there is a big-ass wall and no houses – because none of us has anywhere else to put it.
    The wall in front of the house is 4 ft. tall, now…but a pathway is cleared between 9t and the house…which is covered to an nearly similar height.

    And there’s more on Friday? We are fucked.

    Oh…and the usual fucktards in trucks will be blazing up and down the street at high speed…

    I should have stayed in LA. (…in ’98…)

  2. And don’t forget to watch out for mailmen, who probably/hopefully aren’t as stupid as kids… but, nevertheless, will be walking in the middle of the street…

  3. Don’t forget the dogs that can now clear fences! Grrrrr

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