Things That Would Make Our Ennui Totally Worse

Yesterday we talked a little bit about how we’re in a kind of collective funk this past few weeks. But today, we decided to celebrate the fact that as bad as things seem now, they could always be worse! For instance, we could also be dealing with:

• A worldwide fudge shortage.
• Everything in America, inside and out, smells like fridge. Everything.
• Climate change means one week of March weather, every month, all year.
• Every pizza is now a broccoli pizza.
• Like half of America gets trenchfoot for some reason.
• Turns out taxes were done wrong and everyone has to refile for the past five years, within the week.
• Downtown Gloucester is getting an Au Bon Pain and an Olive Garden.
• Housecats will start pooping twice as much for no discernable reason.
• Turns out condoms are only 35% effective!
• LEGO announces they will only now sell a completely new type of lego that is not compatible with regular lego.
• Neil Armstrong wrote “JUGGALOS RULE! WOOP WOOP!” on the moon with his rock collecting probe. It will be there for the next 5 billion years.
• I guess the Dalai Lama is a huge men’s rights activist troll on Reddit and is learning Pickup Artist techniques.
• Mayor Kirk, after a bout of possible food poisoning, signs an executive order banning Indian food within the city limits. You can’t even bring takeout home.
• The only candle scents left until 2016 are “wet dog” and “tuna fart”.
• Turns out the recent chicken regulation flap unearths a Puritan-era city law that actually forces all residents to own at least six chickens whether they want to or not.
• Elizabeth Warren quits Senate to become chief executive at Uber.
• Mick Jagger announces he will retire, but Kid Rock will replace him in the Rolling Stones.
• Every super bowl commercial spot has been bought by the NRA.
• We have made contact with alien species. But they just want to come here and have sex with pandas. If we let them, they give us cheap source of unlimited power. We have to watch. That’s the deal.
• “Actually, we have no idea how fucking magnets work. None.” –Scientists