Wicked Tuna North vs South: Episode 3, Bluefin or Bust

Happy Monday, Clampatriots! We’ve been so busy with all kinds of intersection fights, website changes and Jim’s ranting about weasels that I almost forgot about the next installation of KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap.

So here we are – episode 3. Sigh. I may be procrastinating on hitting the “play” button on this, because the show is that monotonous. Alright, alright, all my Candy Crush lives are gone so I’ll do it.  Thank god for wine.

We start off this episode with Dave Marciano explaining, “If the Haahd Merchandise doesn’t catch a fish this week, we’re goin’ back to Gloucester!” I mean it’s cold up here, Dave, do you really want to come back? Think this through a little bit.

One of the southern boats pulls up to Dave in a completely staged effort and starts half-heartedly talking about how they don’t like “Yankee boats invading their circle” and stuff. It’s like these guys really wanted to break for lunch – they kind of fumble awkwardly through their lines and their trash-talking retorts are said in an entirely monotone voice. Are there people who watch this and think “This is good drama”? I want to talk to them right now and make them explain some things to me.

I’ve made it 7 minutes so far without someone saying either “We need this fish!” or shooting at the water with a gun. This is actually quite remarkable. The unnatural overuse of camouflage, however, is front and center in this episode.

It looks like the sporting section of a Super Walmart threw up in there. Before and after this shot, there were two OTHER colors of camouflage being worn by these two fashionable men. Is the guy on the left hunting in a patch of green beans? What the fuck? “Because The South” probably applies here.

One of the boats from the South catches a fish, and someone yells “Get your ass over here and stick him!” And I laugh, because I am twelve. Whoever the captain of this boat is, he’s the whitest dude on earth.

He looks like the treasurer of the White Guy club. I assume he drives a Chevy Avalanche and golfs a lot. He’s the man version of the Basic Bitch. He has a propane grill. He has a two car garage. He watches football on Sundays. They sure do pick interesting characters to appear on this show, she said sarcastically.

Anyway back in the ocean, there’s a brief bit with Tyler and Paul on what I’ll rename “giggleboat” because all these guys do is just laugh ferociously at stuff that isn’t necessarily very funny (in retrospect, Stonerboat still works as a name). I’ll take it, though. Anything is better than camouflage.  The whole aim of this bit is that Tyler pretends to have a southern accent, but he ends up sounding exactly like Bill Clinton, especially when he utters “I just want to bend the pole.” So did Bill, my friend. So did Bill.

Over on Hard Merchandise, they decide to fish all night. I will give you ten dollars if you guess what they say twice upon getting a bite?

 

Actually, it turns out they literally *don’t* need the fish, as it’s a Hammerhead Shark. Camoboat, however, catches a fish. At least I think they did, it’s not like I can actually see anything in there. I’m going by the audio.

 

 

Then dramatic music starts playing and Dave Marciano looks straight into the camera and says “If I don’t catch a fish TONIGHT, I’m tuckin’ tail and going back to Gloucester.” I guess this means the Hard Merchandise will catch a fish right this very second, as this is Reality TV. Spoilert alert: I was correct.

“You needa go to Harpoon school!” bellows Dave, after his first mate makes a grievous pitching error.  However, they finish the fish off, high-five, and each smoke a pack of Marlboros in celebration.

Anyway this show is finally winding down and literally nothing interesting has happened. The two boats that caught fish bring them to the Scale With The Dramatic Pause For Effect, and the guy buying the fish says “penetrating into the major lobes” about the quality of the tuna. Har-har.

The episode closes without one mention of that boat where the guy waves the gun around and shoots stuff for seemingly minor reasons. USA! USA! USA!