Hey Clamsketeers, I’m here with a new column. Every couple weeks, or when the mood strikes me (we’re not the scheduling type here at the Gloucester Clam), I’ll do a review of whatever pop song I hate the most at that time. Now, I don’t hate all pop music by a long shot, but some of it just sucks major taint.
“Rude” by MAGIC!
Right out the gate, I hate this song. I have hated it since I first heard it probably driving my kids somewhere fun while they complained heartily. First of all, MAGIC! bills themselves as “Canadian Reggae Fusion,” which is literally the worst phrase I have ever heard, right behind “Vaginal Trans Mesh.” I am not a big reggae fan, first of all. Sorry (I am not sorry). But a Canadian white bro group offering up a “fusion” of reggae? Oh my god, I need a moment to compose myself here so I don’t start screaming “WHY DO WE LOVE WEIRD CULTURAL APPROPRIATION!” at the kitchen walls. UGH. UGHHH.
I loathe this type of music. It’s the kind of song that 45 year old office managers with crunchy curly hair and pullover sweaters like. It’s the equivalant of soft white bread, in musical form. Listening to it is like stepping in wet cat food. This is literally the least edgy band to ever exist. This is worse than Jason fucking Mraz.
So this video. Of course it starts off with a pretty blonde white girl. OF COURSE IT DOES LOOK HOW SKINNY SHE IS. No one looks this hot ever. Meanwhile the odd-looking fellow fronting the band (I shall imagine his surname is Noseario because look at that thing) drives a 87 Tercel off to ask his pretty blonde white girlfriend’s dad if he can marry her. He is looking like President Business, so this isn’t gonna end well. Oh, he says no, what a surprise.
And then he’s all “I’m gonna marry her anyway!” THEN WHY DID YOU ASK? WHAT THE FUCK GAME ARE YOU PLAYING HERE SIR? I haaaate the phony asking your hand in marriage bullshit in the first place like any half-assed feminist should. More middle aged white people pandering shit, right there.
Why does this weirdfaced dude keep kicking at the camera? Is this 1996, am I watching a No Doubt video? Stop it. You stop it right now. Stay still. Are you on meth?
There are so many parts of this song that are the worst, but the petulant, whiny tone of “WHY YOU GOTTA BEEE SOO RUUUUDE” is like nails on a chalkboard. Literally worse than when my children make that whine/scream when I turn off Futurama.
And then there’s some wedding scene where the hot blonde chick looks stunning, and this stoner is wearing a red knit touque like an asshole.
The rest of this band looks like dicks, too. What are they wearing? Oh my god I would rather meet a rotting sack of potatoes than this band.
I don’t ask for much in this world, but if this band could be a one-hit wonder, I would be content with my lot in life. Say yes say yes cuz I need to know.
(I hope you have appreciated this review. If you like how much I hate this song, be sure to let me know, and I will do more. I also hate other songs.)
The song and especially the video truly suck. Are you sure it’s not some kind of parody!
I don’t mean to take you to the dark places, where the shadows lie KT, but that is no touqe. That is a snood. Weep. Weep for us all.
A snood so rude. I weep.
Curiosity got the best of me and I watched the video. I can never unsee that. Truly awful.
You are friggin hilarious!
Why you gotta be so rude?
Love it, please do more, pretty please???!!
Love this hilarious review and tho I agree with all of your individual points, I have to say, I don’t really mind the song; in fact it is infinitely better than that fucking Jenny Lewis, “I’m just another lady without a baby” song, which makes me want to murder.
The Dad’s answer is hilarious. http://youtu.be/TzyQx6AL1MQ
I liked it until he kicked at the camera at 45 seconds. I no longer like U2 for the same reason.
Screw that. Want fresh? It’s Friday! Fire up some Bob Dylan covering Friday. I’ll email you the ringtone. “partyin’ partyin’ yeah”
I’m just now recovering from that Alanis nightmare 20 years ago, and now these D-Bags cross the border? Please build a wall up there and stop this crap from leaking out! I hate u internet!