Wicked Tuna Recap: Tuna Beta Kappa

We’re back with another edition of KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap! If you’re not familiar with my recaps, I’m basically a person who knows nothing about fishing, so all I know is what I see on this show. Basically, a lot of yelling and reeling and dramatic music.

This episode starts off with another Gloucester-based boat taking on water at night and the Tuna.com closer to them than the Coast Guard. I’ll break from my usual sarcasm – that’s some scary ass shit. These guys are never wearing life jackets, it’s cold as hell, it’s pitch black out.

I'll take a plate of nope with a side of extra no way.

I’ll take the filet of horror with a side of shitting my pants.


Luckily, both waterlogged dudes get picked out of the water, so SNARK MODE ENGAGE, WE’RE BACK ON TRACK!

The next scene is shot at Zeke’s Delicious Breakfastorium, between Dave Marciano and one of the Stonerboat dudes.  I hope they order the coconut French toast because that ish is delish, or whatever the kids say. Stonerboat Captain has freshly shaven for this occasion (this is a lie). Apparently in an earlier episode that I did not watch, these two boats formed an alliance to catch more tuna somehow. My eyes just rolled out of my skull but I guess this is a reality show and that’s a thing you do on reality shows. Dave and Captain Probably Hungover decide that since they’re already losing money, they’re going to double or nothing and spend more money to go out to George’s Bank.


Good to see Dave diversifying his wardrobe.

Good to see Dave diversifying his wardrobe.


Meanwhile, the Miss Sambvca is already over at George’s Bank. True fact: As a kid growing up in another coastal town, I thought George’s Bank was an actual bank like where my parents had their mortgage. It wasn’t until after the No-Name Storm (aka Perfect Storm) that I actually figured it out. Anywho, on the Sambvca everybody appears to be back in high spirits even though they’ve caught the tuna equivalent of an old tire and handful of pebbles this season.


Don’t care, still fabulous.


Back on the Tuna.com, Dave gets a call from the Coast Guard, and it turns out the captain of the Terra Nova did not survive. Now, in hindsight, I remember this happening last fall and holy shit, how fucking AWFUL. Really, I snark on this show, but these guys work hard and it is a dangerous way to feed your family. The most danger I face on a daily basis in my job is drunk people knocking over bikes. And losing part of your finger in a chain, but that’s about it.

Over on George’s Bank, there’s a weird boat three-way between the Hard Merchandise, Pinwheel, and Sambvca. Stonerboat hooks one, and we’re back on the thing where one of these scruffy-haired gentlemen yells BOOST! about six thousand times. In describing the fish, the captain says “we have mega rod bend,” which if you guessed was my high school nickname, you’d be right. There’s some minor technical difficulties in getting their winch to actually haul the fish up, and the Sambvca has to bail them out.  They flake out on the Hard Merchandise to bring their fish home/use the celebratory tuna bong, which is kind of a dick move on their part because George’s Bank is in the fuck-all middle of nowhere.

However, the Sambvca is out of bait, and the Hard Merchandise has extra to give, leading Paul to exclaim, “I’m a little bait monger!” in a sing songy voice. Yep. This actually finally works for the boat and they catch a fish. I know, right?

He's just as surprised at the rest of us.

He’s just as surprised about this as the rest of us.

In the end, some tuna is brought in, weighed, sold, and there’s some high-fives all around, and then the episode ends and I finally go to bed. The end.

Disclaimer: Despite poking gentle fun at the captains and crew of this show, we actually admire them very much – not only for their hard work, but for helping Gloucester get on the map for something interesting. Please don’t slash our tires.


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