Welcome back to Fuck It Fridays. Today we’ll take a look at people from infomercials who really suck at basic everyday life.
Kids These Days
Earlier this week on Yon Internets Somewhere, someone posted a picture of East Gloucester School, which is coincidentally where your trusty The Clam has our kids enrolled. Great school, awesome community, lots of kale. And almost immediately, the comment chorus of ‘Kids these days don’t play outside or walk to school anymore! What’s wrong with parents today!’ started, as it has about a dozen times in the last month. It’s like a phenomena. You post an old picture of anything, and someone will complain that things are different and scary and kids don’t have respect for anything and you can’t hit your kids anymore and that’s probably why.
Pretty much like this.
You know what? It’s time we put that idea to bed for good. I am completely and utterly tired of it being socially acceptable for older generations to loudly judge children -and the parents raising them- for being lazy, entitled, and coddled. Every damn generation thinks they’re the greatest and the ones following them are rude, loafing babies. And it turns out there’s even studies that show that’s untrue:
“…Every generation is basically exactly the same, and there is very little new under the sun, and, my god, even Socrates was complaining about the lazy ways of the youth back in his time, what the fuck would make you think that your generation, whatever it is, is in any way inherently special compared to the thousands of human generations that came before you? The entire farcical idea that humanity reaches its peak with your generation and then proceeds to go into decline with the next generation is made all the more hilarious by the fact that every generation before you believed the same thing, as will every generation after you.”
Yet, it keeps happening, the “youth of today!” comment party. Kids these days are online too much. They can’t walk to school anymore because it’s not safe. The parents are nearby when they’re on the playground. They are scheduled for too many activities. They watch too much TV and play too many video games. They mouth off and they don’t learn as much as they used to.
Where is this coming from? “Kids these days” are testing on or above the levels of previous generations. They watch less TV than we did.
It’s pretty unfounded to also assume somehow now unsafe for our kids to run around unsupervised because “it’s not safe anymore”, like criminals are just running through the streets of East Gloucester, starting kale-based gangs and recruiting our seven year olds.
The thing is, kids are still walking to school here. They stay after school and play on the playground and in the nearby woods. There are often large sticks around which an entire small boy caste system is based. Last week there was an actual mud fight. It’s 2015, and nothing’s really changed. Do we supervise our kids on the playground? Yeah, sorta. We’re here in case someone falls, in case someone needs something, and to break up issues. Last week, a kindergartner was getting pelted with snowballs by a much older kid, and when it was obvious he really didn’t like it, an adult stepped in. But mostly we’re there to socialize with other parents. Kinda like every previous generation ever.
It turns out we’re safer parents than previous generations, actually. That awful super bowl ad wasn’t hatched out of nowhere: childhood accidents are a leading factor in the mortality rate. But, things are getting better with each new generation:
But a growing share of the accelerating reduction in child mortality since 1970 stems neither from medical advances nor from immunization campaigns, notes NBER researcher Sherry Glied. Rather, it arises from a sharp drop in deaths from unintentional injury or accident. Among children under five, deaths from these causes dropped from 44 per 100,000 children in 1960 to 18.6 per 100,000 in 1990. Among children five to nine, the mortality rate from injury or accidents fell from 19.6 to 9.8 per 100,000.
We make our kids wear helmets not because we’re overbearing, but because we understand how head injuries work better than we ever did before. We don’t leave them unsupervised near pools not because we want to keep them in bubbles, but because we’ve learned that it leads to tragedy. We check in on them a bit more often – yes, sometimes by the dreaded iphone – so if the worst happens and they get lost in the woods or hurt, we’ll know quicker. We should celebrate lower fatalities among children, no matter what we need to do to get there.
As far as video games, iphones, and Angry Birds – yeah, kids play video games – but they also learn how to make them. This is how we create the software engineers of 2028. And it turns out video games aren’t super harmful and can actually help cognitive abilities.
So you can complain about things that patently aren’t true, and whine that life’s changed, but that’s not going to do anything. Meanwhile we’ll roll up our sleeves, build 3D printers, advocate for bike lanes, and make this city more livable for kids these days, and the ones after them.
Lego People of Gloucester: Alexandra’s Bread
Jon Hardy & Alexandra Rhinelander
“I got a call on Wednesday from a woman who wanted a loaf of gluten free artisan bread- I said that’s a contradiction in term.” – Jon
KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: S4 Episode 6, “Bent Rods and Broken Hearts”
How was your possible religious holiday and/or weekend? Awesome? Well let’s bring it down a notch with the WICKED TUNA RECAP TRAIN chugging into Gloucester station. We’re up to episode 6, “Bent Rods and Broken Hearts” – let’s see what completely unscripted, natural moments about fishing we’ll catch this week.
I think I’m a few weeks behind, and I can tell this immediately because this episode has an inexplicable fuckton of Irish-sounding background and dramatic scene music. Fun, I won’t hate this next 42 minutes at all. The first ten minutes of the episode revolve around a few of the boats hooking fish. “Yay fish things!” say some boats.
Scientists, all.
Over on the Hard Merchandise, our nonhirsuite captain screams about being excited, which is odd, because usually this guy has the composure of Bill Belicheck at a chess tournament. I look, but see no “Angelica Fisheries” hoodie sans sleeves. There is more screaming, involving describing exactly how they harpoon animals in the face, they yell WE NEED THIS FISH and… the line breaks at the very end. Um, oops.
Annd, we have a random new boat! This was probably the result of all those ads they placed in the GDT looking for boats. Welcome, DRAMABOAT.
Literally.
The crew of this boat all appear to be younger dudes, late 20-somethings. And then there’s this guy. A HOT DUDE APPEARS FROM NOWHERE:
DANG
Holy crap, the producers have finally put something in this show that ensures I will watch the rest of the season. FUCK YEAH. His name is Paul and he better fucking stay in this show because he is hot as blazes.
Over on the Tuna.com, they’re making bacon. “Who doesn’t like bacon?” “Weird people don’t like bacon. Truer words on this show have never been spoken. Dave is gone AT HIS OTHER JOB AS AN AIRLINE PILOT HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?
What DOESN’T this guy captain?
So Sandro has a buddy who just graduated college who inexplicably has decided he wants to fish for a living. YOU HAVE A DEGREE WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING? Anyway he’s just on for the week. Over on the Haaahd Merchandise, they say “WE NEED THIS FISH” again, so clearly that means they’ll get one. Oop, nope. Womp-womp. Next thing I know, Dave is screaming profanity at the sea. We’ve all done that, Dave, no shame in screaming four letter words towards the indifferent, lapping waves.
What Dave points out is that he has no alternate source of income. While I sympathize with his decreased ability to make money, I also don’t get this. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but there are jobs in the world out there. I understand his need to make a paycheck, but I’ve changed industries and jobs from bike mechanic to customer service to social media and I once worked in an auto glass warehouse. This was all in ten years. If something stopped working, I did something else. It’s easy to fall through the cracks in this society and I am the last person to victim-blame, but you also need to see the forest for the trees sometimes and look to alternate sources of income. And now for saying that, my tires will probably be slashed. Gloucester!
Anyway, over on the Kelly Ann, we see Paul Hebert showing how calm the wind is by where the smoke from his cigarette goes. National Geographic. This show airs on National Geographic, which is arguably one of the best-known scientific and geographic magazines of our time. And we’ve got people still smoking on its TV channel. Awesome. Anyway I do enjoy some of Paul’s antics, so let’s go that way! Oh, and they get a fish, so good for them. And we also have Dramaboat there, so hot dang.
While Dave from the Tuna.Com is moving freely about the country, his deckhand Sandro and the new kid catches a fish so big it has trouble actually fitting through the hatch thing. Now I want sushi. Damnit.
Finally, the Hard Merchandise actually catches their fish. Everybody is happy. Hooray. The end!
Fish Caught: 3
Fish lost at the last minute: 1
“We need this fish!” count: 2
New boats: 1
Bacon strips cooked: 25
Iconic Gloucester Home Renovation Will Show Just How Great Money Really Is
GLOUCESTER—One of Gloucester’s most notable private residences is getting an estimated $800,000 makeover this spring. Known locally as the Sherman House, it’s the stately 112-year-old colonial perched on the rocks on the south end of Good Harbor Beach.
[The Sherman House]
For many in Gloucester, the house is as much a part of the beach as the surf, the sand, and the ever-hungry seagulls. And that’s the problem, say Jill and Winthrop Morgan, who purchased it in 2005 and have enjoyed summers there ever since.
“At this point, our home just blends into the landscape,” said Mr. Morgan, a 44-year-old retired financier, as he prepared morning martinis in the kitchen. “It doesn’t pop out and say ‘we’re richer than you!’ like it used to.”
[Winthrop Morgan with perfect gin martini]
“There’s a reason we purchased this home,” his wife said. Gesturing out the bay windows to an expansive view of the breakers, she explained: “We wanted the thousands who pack Good Harbor every day to gaze longingly at our lunches on the back patio and think, ‘Wow, those people really have it good.’”
“Imagine how much better a medallion of foie gras tastes,” Mr. Morgan added, “when you command a vast audience, all gnawing on clam strips from the snack shack.”
“That’s the primary purpose of the Jumbotron,” Mrs. Morgan said, referring to one component of the planned renovation. “It will display close-ups of our exquisitely prepared food, as well as our blindingly white smiles.”
During the hours when the Morgans are not enjoying a meal, the high definition screen will provide real-time updates on their investment portfolio.
[Jumbotron model slated for installation]
Towering 65 feet above the existing roofline will be another key facet of the makeover, a rotating observation deck mounted atop the Jumbotron.
“The engineering was pretty tricky,” Mr. Morgan said. “Pretty pricey, too. But that’s what money’s for.”
While refreshing her martini, Mrs. Morgan explained where the idea for the observation deck came from. “Anyone with a $25 beach sticker can pass the day on a blanket with a fantastic ocean view,” she said. “We spent a lot more on this house. I mean, a lot more. So the quality of our view ought to be proportional. It’s simple algebra.”
According to the Morgans, when they first moved in ten years ago, they would often turn away curious beachgoers who clambered up the rocks for a better look. “Trespassing is the sincerest form of flattery,” Mrs. Morgan said. “Sometimes we even caught them peering in our windows, ogling our Renoirs. Those were the days.”
The Morgans say that interest in their house and extravagant wealth has ebbed in the last six or eight years. But the exact causes of this shift remain unclear.
“Maybe it was the Recession of 2008,” said Mr. Morgan, who cashed out of his Lehman Brothers partnership in December 2007. “And all that nonsense about the 1 percent.”
His wife elaborated: “People put their material aspirations on hold. Almost like they forgot all the ridiculously fun stuff you can do with money.”
“For instance, lighting your cigars with $50 bills,” Mr. Morgan said, flicking a gin-soaked olive into his mouth. “So fun.”
A Gloucester resident enjoying her first taste of spring weather on Good Harbor offered her perspective on the house. “It’s a nice place, but the people are sort of creepy,” said 29-year-old Isabella Costa. “During the summer I always see them waving at the crowds from their backyard. Like they’re flagging down a train.”
Fed up with the apathy, the Morgans have decided to take action, using their high-profile house to prove that money really can buy happiness.
“I know some will say we’re stoking class resentment and petty jealousies. But, ultimately, our mission is philanthropic,” Mrs. Morgan said. “We’re trying to restore people’s hope. Their faith in the American Dream.”