Month: April 2015

KT’s Wicked Tuna Recap: S4 Episode 6, “Bent Rods and Broken Hearts”

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How was your possible religious holiday and/or weekend? Awesome? Well let’s bring it down a notch with the WICKED TUNA RECAP TRAIN chugging into Gloucester station. We’re up to episode 6, “Bent Rods and Broken Hearts” – let’s see what completely unscripted, natural moments about fishing we’ll catch this week.

I think I’m a few weeks behind, and I can tell this immediately because this episode has an inexplicable fuckton of Irish-sounding background and dramatic scene music. Fun, I won’t hate this next 42 minutes at all. The first ten minutes of the episode revolve around a few of the boats hooking fish. “Yay fish things!” say some boats.

Scientists, all.

Scientists, all.

Over on the Hard Merchandise, our nonhirsuite captain screams about being excited, which is odd, because usually this guy has the composure of Bill Belicheck at a chess tournament. I look, but see no “Angelica Fisheries” hoodie sans sleeves. There is more screaming, involving describing exactly how they harpoon animals in the face, they yell WE NEED THIS FISH and… the line breaks at the very end. Um, oops.

Annd, we have a random new boat! This was probably the result of all those ads they placed in the GDT looking for boats. Welcome, DRAMABOAT.

Literally.

Literally.

The crew of this boat all appear to be younger dudes, late 20-somethings. And then there’s this guy. A HOT DUDE APPEARS FROM NOWHERE:

DANG

DANG

Holy crap, the producers have finally put something in this show that ensures I will watch the rest of the season. FUCK YEAH. His name is Paul and he better fucking stay in this show because he is hot as blazes.

Over on the Tuna.com, they’re making bacon. “Who doesn’t like bacon?” “Weird people don’t like bacon. Truer words on this show have never been spoken. Dave is gone AT HIS OTHER JOB AS AN AIRLINE PILOT HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?

 

What DOESN'T this guy captain?

What DOESN’T this guy captain?

 

So Sandro has a buddy who just graduated college who inexplicably has decided he wants to fish for a living. YOU HAVE A DEGREE WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING? Anyway he’s just on for the week. Over on the Haaahd Merchandise, they say “WE NEED THIS FISH” again, so clearly that means they’ll get one. Oop, nope. Womp-womp. Next thing I know, Dave is screaming profanity at the sea. We’ve all done that, Dave, no shame in screaming four letter words towards the indifferent, lapping waves.

What Dave points out is that he has no alternate source of income. While I sympathize with his decreased ability to make money, I also don’t get this. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but there are jobs in the world out there. I understand his need to make a paycheck, but I’ve changed industries and jobs from bike mechanic to customer service to social media and I once worked in an auto glass warehouse. This was all in ten years. If something stopped working, I did something else. It’s easy to fall through the cracks in this society and I am the last person to victim-blame, but you also need to see the forest for the trees sometimes and look to alternate sources of income. And now for saying that, my tires will probably be slashed. Gloucester!

Anyway, over on the Kelly Ann, we see Paul Hebert showing how calm the wind is by where the smoke from his cigarette goes. National Geographic. This show airs on National Geographic, which is arguably one of the best-known scientific and geographic magazines of our time. And we’ve got people still smoking on its TV channel. Awesome. Anyway I do enjoy some of Paul’s antics, so let’s go that way! Oh, and they get a fish, so good for them. And we also have Dramaboat there, so hot dang.

While Dave from the Tuna.Com is moving freely about the country, his deckhand Sandro and the new kid catches a fish so big it has trouble actually fitting through the hatch thing. Now I want sushi. Damnit.

Finally, the Hard Merchandise actually catches their fish. Everybody is happy. Hooray. The end!

 

 

 

Fish Caught: 3

Fish lost at the last minute: 1

“We need this fish!” count: 2

New boats: 1

Bacon strips cooked: 25

 

Iconic Gloucester Home Renovation Will Show Just How Great Money Really Is

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GLOUCESTER—One of Gloucester’s most notable private residences is getting an estimated $800,000 makeover this spring. Known locally as the Sherman House, it’s the stately 112-year-old colonial perched on the rocks on the south end of Good Harbor Beach.

shermanhouse[The Sherman House]

For many in Gloucester, the house is as much a part of the beach as the surf, the sand, and the ever-hungry seagulls. And that’s the problem, say Jill and Winthrop Morgan, who purchased it in 2005 and have enjoyed summers there ever since.

“At this point, our home just blends into the landscape,” said Mr. Morgan, a 44-year-old retired financier, as he prepared morning martinis in the kitchen. “It doesn’t pop out and say ‘we’re richer than you!’ like it used to.”

WinthropMorgan[Winthrop Morgan with perfect gin martini]

“There’s a reason we purchased this home,” his wife said. Gesturing out the bay windows to an expansive view of the breakers, she explained: “We wanted the thousands who pack Good Harbor every day to gaze longingly at our lunches on the back patio and think, ‘Wow, those people really have it good.’”

“Imagine how much better a medallion of foie gras tastes,” Mr. Morgan added, “when you command a vast audience, all gnawing on clam strips from the snack shack.”

“That’s the primary purpose of the Jumbotron,” Mrs. Morgan said, referring to one component of the planned renovation. “It will display close-ups of our exquisitely prepared food, as well as our blindingly white smiles.”

During the hours when the Morgans are not enjoying a meal, the high definition screen will provide real-time updates on their investment portfolio.

jumbotron[Jumbotron model slated for installation]

Towering 65 feet above the existing roofline will be another key facet of the makeover, a rotating observation deck mounted atop the Jumbotron.

“The engineering was pretty tricky,” Mr. Morgan said. “Pretty pricey, too. But that’s what money’s for.”

While refreshing her martini, Mrs. Morgan explained where the idea for the observation deck came from. “Anyone with a $25 beach sticker can pass the day on a blanket with a fantastic ocean view,” she said. “We spent a lot more on this house. I mean, a lot more. So the quality of our view ought to be proportional. It’s simple algebra.”

According to the Morgans, when they first moved in ten years ago, they would often turn away curious beachgoers who clambered up the rocks for a better look. “Trespassing is the sincerest form of flattery,” Mrs. Morgan said. “Sometimes we even caught them peering in our windows, ogling our Renoirs. Those were the days.”

The Morgans say that interest in their house and extravagant wealth has ebbed in the last six or eight years. But the exact causes of this shift remain unclear.

“Maybe it was the Recession of 2008,” said Mr. Morgan, who cashed out of his Lehman Brothers partnership in December 2007. “And all that nonsense about the 1 percent.”

His wife elaborated: “People put their material aspirations on hold. Almost like they forgot all the ridiculously fun stuff you can do with money.”

“For instance, lighting your cigars with $50 bills,” Mr. Morgan said, flicking a gin-soaked olive into his mouth. “So fun.”

A Gloucester resident enjoying her first taste of spring weather on Good Harbor offered her perspective on the house. “It’s a nice place, but the people are sort of creepy,” said 29-year-old Isabella Costa. “During the summer I always see them waving at the crowds from their backyard. Like they’re flagging down a train.”

Fed up with the apathy, the Morgans have decided to take action, using their high-profile house to prove that money really can buy happiness.

“I know some will say we’re stoking class resentment and petty jealousies. But, ultimately, our mission is philanthropic,” Mrs. Morgan said. “We’re trying to restore people’s hope. Their faith in the American Dream.”

Real Coast Guard Rescues Fake Bro-Pirates

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Ok, so the sea is a tricky place. We know that. But you, dear friends may not know this about your beloved The Clam: we used to work for Outward Bound in Maine years ago and have spent a lot of time sailing around rough water in rickety, open wooden boats. So we were sympathetic when the Liana’s Ransom, a fake pirate ship, was disabled off our coast and was abandoned after a rescue by Coastguardspersons from Gloucester Small Boat Station and Air Station Cape Cod. Word to the USCG, and anytime anyone makes that asshole joke that goes, “The worst thing you can ever hear are the words, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help'” feel free to punch them in the dick area and say, “Semper Paratus”.

However, when we started looking into the story we have to admit passing some judgement. They lost power? It’s a sail boat. Why didn’t they put a jib up or something? Again, we weren’t there but you know, that’s the standard procedure when on a sailboat, using the actual sails. It’s like in the name and everything. The story said their sails were all twisted around the mast. All of them? The jibs? Really guys?

avast!

avast!

Area of doubt #2 came after the rescue when she didn’t actually sink. This is sort of embarrassing. If you abandon a boat at sea after a distress call you really, really want it to dramatically slip beneath the waves on camera within the rotor wash of the helo winching the last survivor aboard, just for optics’ sake. However, abandoning a boat that keeps on floating is sort of bad form in the nautical world. It’s the equivalent of calling the cops in the middle of the night because an intruder is crawling in through your attic only to find out it’s squirrels. They’re going to be “yeah, right, abundance of caution and all that, can’t be too careful,” but you know when they get to the cruiser they’re going: “dumbass”.

I guess it was under threat of sinking? What the hell was going on? Then we saw this video interview of the crew post rescue.

Video from the Gloucester Daily Times

Oh. I get it. You were confined below decks and it was really…uncomfortable? Did we somehow miss the point in this story when the situation became actually life threatening? I’ve had experiences on the commuter rail this winter more harrowing than what was described in this vid. The background music of “Walking on Sunshine” didn’t help with the overall irreverent tone of this video. I’m pretty sure Howard Blackburn would be giving you guys the finger, but, well, you know…

I don’t mean to take umbrage here, but they sent our guys out there to rescue these chucklehads and though I have every faith our motor lifeboat crew is inherently capable of 10′ seas (they practice in much bigger surf), anytime you get two boats near each other in rough seas it involves an element of risk (the helicopter was for an injured crewmember and that seems totally legit). So, I still get that it was scary and everything. For instance we hear someone told the crew to ‘Call their mothers’ which is probably the first time that particular order has been given on a pirate ship, but after watching the video I’d ask the crew to maybe be a little less…flip? Maybe laugh about it not so much?

Yeah, flip. I know this sounds weird coming from your The Clam, but these guys were rescued in a fairly major operation from a boat that kept on floating. So, it’s sort of on the crew here to be somewhat contrite and spend a little time publicly thanking the living shit out of the CG and maybe hold off on telling the bro-tabulous tale of being below decks in a storm that produced swells somewhat larger than what we get here on a regular basis at this time of year.

Sure I know the bowsprit snapped and the chains holding the main were then compromised and the whole thing could have come crashing down. But when you go out and with two motors, have mechanical issues with both of them, are unable to get any sail up, then lose your bowsprit, you’re not demonstrating an abundance of seamanship here. This wasn’t a Nor’easter. This wasn’t the Perfect Storm. From the sounds of things it was more like Davey Jones’ Lockerroom.

But The Clam is honestly glad everyone is OK. Maybe we were just hoping for a little more Russell Crowe in Master and Commander and less Jack Spar-bro.

Oh, and one more thing. Unless you are a sniper or a rapper (signed to a label) the hat brim goes in front. Just a tip.