Ask A Dogtown Resident

Our “Ask” series is an advice column with a special panel of guest columnists. Today’s guest columnist is a destitute, widowed resident of Dogtown circa 1790.

Dear Dogtown Resident:

I am engaged to a great guy, but his family wants a huge wedding. I would rather elope or have a small backyard shindig. However, his mother and sisters insist on renting a hall we can’t afford and inviting a guest list of almost 150 people! I am at my wits’ end and want to call the whole thing off. What do I do?

– Not Bridezilla in Lanesville

My Dearest Not Bridezilla:

Excuse my handwriting, my love, for I am writing by mere glowing embers. Since John has gone to his maker in the sea these nine years ago, finding firewood has been a harder endeavor. Most winters I bring the dogs inside with me and hang our wedding quilt over the broken parts of the front door. I am sixty years old, too old to fix things here. My cellar hole is crumbling as we speak, and taking the last of this years’ root potatoes with it. But this is nary a matter, let me attend to your question. Ah, yes, you have not the money for such a lavish occasion. Let me be bold – have you considered prostitution? When I cannot afford whale oil for my reading lamp, I often revisit my past as a lady of the night. Times are hard, my dear, and we all must do what we can.

dogtown

If only I could again have this kind of luxury.

Dear Dogtown Resident:

My son is 18 and we have found out that he has been drinking at friends’ houses. We are concerned about this behavior. How do we curb it? He is an adult now, but he still lives at our house. Grounding him isn’t going to work at this age!

– Worried in Rockport

Dearest Worried:

I understand fully your concern about the scourge of the Drink. My own brother was found half-dead on an outcropping of rocks on the Annisquam river last November. He continues to wander from parish to parish in search of more spirits to quench his inner pain after the failed crops of the past years. I fear for his soul, for he is a shell of a man and he shall face the wrath of an angry god. At 18, your son should have many years of work experience on the docks, and should be working from sunrise to sunset as a deckhand. He should not have time for drink! Does he not have his own house and wife and children at his age? Shame on your family for such morals.

The Sins of Liquor Be Known To Ye

The Sins of Liquor Be Known To Ye


Dear Dogtown Resident:

My doctor wants me to take a medication that I don’t particularly want to take to curb a disease I have. I would rather try a holistic approach like green tea or Reiki. But he claims that I could die if I don’t give in to Big Pharma and take the drug. What should I do?

– Natural in Annisquam

Dear Natural:

If I may, I fear I may not be understanding you correctly. You have a cure for your disease that isn’t prayer and whiskey to ease suffering? And your town has a doctor who isn’t afraid to travel past the bridge to your home for fear of curses put on him? Why, pray tell, are you not listening to the man? I have borne ten children, and five were buried before their 14th birthdays, from scarlet fever, pox, measles, and an encounter with a horsecart. I would have crossed the planes of hell to access a drug that could have spared their lives. And you have such drugs available to you and yet choose not to take them? My love, spend a day in my shoes and you’ll know what the right choice is.

This is commonplace in my village.

This is commonplace in my village.

Want your question answered in our next advice column? Leave a comment here!

Snark Free Sunday: Remember the Maine and everybody else

We just went  down to the area around the Gloucester House to take a pic of one of the the anchors of the USS Maine that is (used to be?) there. If anyone knows which one it is, clue us in because we couldn’t find it. It always surprises us to run into it down there amongst the tourists and fishing gear. Image We think about the Maine on Memorial Day. She was a battleship sunk in Havana Harbor during the revolt there against the Spanish. Why she went down is still unclear. Did she hit a mine? Was there an explosion in her coal bunkers? We don’t know, but it’s important to point out that the exact cause didn’t matter to the guys who were killed or to their families back home. We’ve been to all of the war memorials around Gloucester many times, each of them is poignant in its own way. The WW II memorial front and center on the Boulevard contrasted with the Vietnam one tucked away near the high school have always said more to us more about how the culture absorbed the impacts of those respective conflicts than any poem or song.

The Maine’s bower hits us differently, though, because it is an artifact. It’s an actual thing the guys would haul up and down, probably swear at, bruise their knuckles on. They would worry about it, some of them. “Is it set, is it holding?” But their worries about the anchor, like so many concerns in life, were not congruent with the actual mechanism of the eventual catastrophe.

Like so much of warfare today in the age of stand-off weaponry and even as civilians in a society where lives can be snuffed out in an instant by any number of means intentionally or otherwise, what came at those guys was a surprise. Death came out of nowhere. Everyone one of those guys had plans for that day that didn’t involve what happened, none of them saw it coming.

Humans have always glorified the concept of battle, as our most ancient texts show. But in the end, so many of the people we honor this weekend were struck down not taking a hill or leading a charge, but doing their duty and managing the unexpected in times of unprecedented crisis they did not expect. On the Maine, given the watch schedule of a ship, some of those struck down were even asleep when disaster struck.

Yet, rightfully, we honor them all the same. I think that in this, as in so many things, we have much to learn from them.

With thanks to those who have served,

–The Clam

9 Signature Gloucester Cocktails to Spice Up Your Memorial Day

By the Clam Contributors – James Dowd, KT and guest Len Pal

Memorial Day is about remembering those who served. We intend to run a more earnest bit this weekend honoring some of the many, many men and women who kicked ass and made the ultimate sacrifice for our country. As we were pondering what to write, we poured ourselves a generous toast to them all. It’s what Hemingway would have done.

This got us to thinking, why are there no signature Gloucester cocktails? Why no drinks that really bring out the character of the diverse melting pot/poorly supervised asylum that is Gloucester? So we made some up. YOU’RE WELCOME.

THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL CITY FOLKS (photo courtesy of Cape Ann Images)

THIS IS A TOTALLY NORMAL CITY, FOLKS. LA LA LA. (photo courtesy of Cape Ann Images)

The Greasy Pole

  • Oak barrel whiskey
  • Sea salt
  • Drizzle rim of glass with mixture chocolate and Karo Syrup
  • Splash of Amaretto

The Lanesville

  • Finnish Vodka
  • Granite dust
  • Bitters

(To be drunk alone)

The Fort

  • Cape Pond Ice AND NOTHING ELSE EVER FUCK YOU ALL

The Maplewood

  • Monster energy drink
  • 1 crushed Suboxone
  • 2 blister packs Sudafed
  • Handful of pixie sticks
  • 1 bottle prescription cough syrup
  • 1 quart denatured laboratory alcohol
  • Slushie syrup (purple preferred)
  • Another Monster energy drink

Served mixed together in a stolen Styrofoam cooler set on fire

Still needs Monster. I'm on it.

Still needs Monster. I’m on it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Man at the Wheel

  • A handful of Altoids mints
  • Just one beer like three hours ago honestly officer
FINE TO DRIVE SERIOUSLY

FINE TO DRIVE SERIOUSLY

The East Gloucester

  • Organic heirloom carrot juice
  • Kale
  • Man tears
  • Your testicles, dried and powdered
I was human once, like you

I was human once, like you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Teen*

  • Vodka from stepmom’s liquor cabinet
  • ½ bottle blue Powerade

Serve in bottle walking around yelling and falling down

*We have been told this is a real thing oh god why

 

The Ocean View Inn

  • Take patron’s money, close bar and run
When can I open my eyes?

When can I open my eyes?

The Roadside

  • Large DD iced coffee
  • Kahlua nip
  • Can of Nattie Ice

Mix together and drink through five scratched lottery tickets rolled up together like a straw

Enjoy these fine concoctions and post your own in the comments. Have a great long weekend everyone and thanks for making The Clam such a huge success.

SPORTHORSE COLUMN!

TODAY SPORT HORSE GOING TO TALK ABOUT PREAKNESS STAKES AND TERRIBLE RED SOX TEAM.

FIRST OFF, HORSE WINS RACE! LISTEN GUYS THIS IS MY KIND OF EVENT. IT IS THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE. NO ONE PAY ATTENTION TO HORSE RACING OUTSIDE OF TRIPLE CROWN UNLESS THEY ARE SAD GAMBLING ADDICT. AFTER CALIFORNIA CHROME WIN KENTUCKY DERBY, I WAS LIKE “NICE JOB”. NOW HE WIN PREAKNESS STAKES! NOW EVERYONE WANT HIM AND HIS WEIRD HORSE BONER (SERIOUSLY GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH THAT IF YOU WANT TO FEEL SHAME) TO WIN BELMONT AND TRIPLE CROWN! THAT WOULD BE COOL.

MAYBE WITH ALL THAT MONEY THEY CAN GET HIM A DENTIST AMIRITE

DENTAL PLAN. CALIFORNIA CHROME NEEDS BRACES. DENTAL PLAN. CALIFORNIA CHROME NEEDS BRACES.

 

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HORSE NAMES THOUGH. ALL HORSES WHO RACE ALWAYS HAVE CRAZY NAMES. WHY NOT JIM OR JEFF OR BOB? MY GRANDPA WAS NAMED BILL. MY DAD WAS DOUG. BUT EVERYONE HAS THAT WEIRD COUSIN GETHSEMANE PORTRAIT OR HUMBLE OCTOPUS OR WHATEVER. SPORT HORSE NOT UNDERSTAND THIS. MAKES HEAD ACHE.

OK, NOW ONTO CRAPPY RED SOX TEAM. CAN’T EVEN PULL ONE DAMN WIN OUT AGAINST THE TIGERS. UGH WTF. JAKE PEAVY NOT DOING WELL THIS YEAR – HAS ALLOWED A HOME RUN IN ALL OF HIS STARTS THIS YEAR. SPORT HORSE NO DAN SHAUGHNESSY OR ANYTHING (A-NEIIGH-THING LOL) BUT THIS SEEMS.. NOT GOOD. PROBABLY HIS TERRIBLE VISION DIDN’T HELP.

ACTUAL PHOTO OF JAKE PEAVY AFTER SUNDAY'S LOSS

ACTUAL PHOTO OF JAKE PEAVY AFTER SUNDAY’S LOSS

BUT SPORT HORSE ALSO HAVE AWFUL VISION SO FEELS BAD POKING FUN AT PEAVY. THAT WHY I TYPE IN CAPS. ALSO ENGLISH SECOND LANGUAGE.

ANYWHO IS SAD RED SOX THIS BAD ALREADY WHEN THEY WON ENTIRE POINTY TROPHY LAST YEAR. STEPHEN DREW SIGNING WILL MAKE BETTER TEAM MOST LIKELY, UNLESS IT DOES NOT.

IN HOCKEY NEWS, ANYONE ELSE HAPPY RANGERS ARE WINNING SERIES VS HABS? JUST ME? SPORT HORSE LOVE SCHADENFREUDE.

OK BYE FOR NOW. AS ALWAYS U GOT QUESTIONS I GOT ANSWERS. EMAIL ASKSPORTHORSE@GMAIL.COM

05e

I DO WAT I WANT

 

 

Building Gloucester’s hipfrastructure

Good News! Gloucester’s city government along with some other wheeling and/or dealing has saved Cape Pond Ice. This is indeed welcome because it’s going to allow ‘The Coolest Guys in Town’ to  make their evolving business model work better. It must be hella tempting for them to move almost everything but their core fishing related stuff to one of their off-Cape Ann locations. We can only imagine running a bagged ice delivery service from a town with water rates comparable to those on Arrakis from a facility off the end of one peninsula which is itself off of yet another peninsula adds up to something of a pain in the ass.

Like, four people are laughing right now

Like, four people are laughing right now

You’ll hear no snark from us around Cape Pond Ice. What we do want to toss out is a gentle reminder that there is more than one kind of critical infrastructure in Gloucester requiring maintenance. No,  not potholes, complaining about them provides 60% of the content for online message boards thereby generating economic activity in the thriving “yelling at things impotently” sector. And we’re not talking about the natural gas infrastructure which is being panic-replaced every time someone smells a dogfart. We assume the whole town is one carelessly discarded cigarette away from going up like Krakatoa.

does this mean Fiesta is off?

does this mean Fiesta is off?

No, we’re talking about the hipfrastructure. “What is this, you ask?” searching for yet another cloying mollusk-related pun. The hipfrastructure consists of the available resources in any given place to support the other kind of “cool”. The cool that collapses like a quantum waveform when you try and measure it. At some level everyone is cool. We ourselves like to don our navel-high dad jeans, hop in the front seat of the minivan and crank up some Spin Doctors to show the kids just how cool we really are (we are not cool).

For the purposes of this argument we’re going to define ‘cool’ as culturally edgy; pushing boundaries of the artistic, business, service, technology, science and education fields. The people who make those kinds of advances happen to be of a certain stripe that social scientist Richard Florida defined in “The Rise of the Creative Class”, a little dated these days, but then again Gloucester is still waiting for an Indian restaurant so it may not be a bad model for us to examine.

What still holds true from Florida’s premise is this: In the old days the only way most cities and towns could develop economically would be to  to bring in a large employer, usually a factory. That factory would serve as the economic engine, not just for jobs in the plant but ancillary and support businesses along with the eateries and shops and teachers and mechanics to provide services for the employees and each other. In return the company would become patrons of the library and the arts community, they would put benches in the park and build wings on the hospital. This is the ‘economic development’ most of us are used to.

[Aside: we should note that one of the many freaktacular things about Gloucester is that even without a huge monolithic factory the insane level to which the existing business and individuals here support the city and its people (especially kids). Just look at any public space in town and just see the number of plaques, engraved bricks, memorial benches and ‘thank you’ boards and you get the idea. IT’S AMAZING!!]

In the new way, it’s backwards. You build the cool shit first: You have to have a great library, a thriving arts community, good education, groovy restaurants and bars, decent health care and things like farmer’s markets, yoga studios and festivals. Because you have this amazing stuff people want to be a part of your city and then they themselves decide to open business and live there. Cool people are like geese, they like to cluster together but without all the poop (hopefully).

You wind up with a lot of smaller but more cutting-edge outfits,  providing diversity and making you less vulnerable to the cycles and crashes of any particular industry. All this from starting out with a few groovy cafes, a brew pub, an organic grocer, a bike store and some interesting art happenings. Amazingly this leads to Internet startups, independent graphic design firms and 3D printing labs.

This very thing happened in another industrial city that had fallen on hard times but was full of interesting people who loved the shit out of it. And now Portland Oregon is one of the most dynamic cities in the country, responsible to two things we could not exist without: The Leatherman Tool and The Decemberists . No more need be said.

A quick thought experiment:

Knowing all this, imagine the City of Gloucester could dedicate 500 large to stimulate economic development in town. Would it be better to: A) build a manufacturing facility that mass produces those novelty plastic helmets that hold two cans of beer with associated tubing, or B) Turn Empire on Main Street into an outfit called ‘Tandori Tattoo and Terrarium”, a combination Indian restaurant, body art studio and emporium featuring those tiny little trees and plants in jars.

there is also a toad who drinks PBR

there is also a toad who drinks PBR

We all know what the manufactory brings: jobs, taxes, some other economic activity generated around their industry and employees and that is all good. You won’t hear us complaining about that.

But assuming the T^3 place employs the same number of folks HOW MUCH MORE AWESOME WOULD THIS BE?. And the biggest point of difference from the tailgate-helmet place is this: People will talk about it. They won’t shut up, in fact, because it would be amazeballs and folks will share pictures and reviews of it on Instagram and FaceBook followed with pictures of their weeners on SnapChat because that’s what people do. The Internet is weird.

And it won’t just be once. Every time someone asks, “Dude, where did you get that sick ink of Shiva holding a Bonsai tree?” It will make people want to check it out. Folks with no previous association to Gloucester will show up, walk around, see all the other cool things going on in town, much of it already here, and think, “You know what? This might be just the place for my combination taxidermy museum and robot makerspace”. And so it goes.

So, you may think that this leads to just having a bunch of annoying artsy types mincing around and there is little benefit to that unless you sell clove cigarettes and vintage lunchboxes. Here is the magic that Portland figured out: Larger companies look for cool places to locate because that’s where they can attract the most cutting-edge workers. You can’t staff any modern industry without employees who are versed in technology and the best kind of people for a 21st century enterprise are those who are creative and independent in the way they think. You only find these people clustered together in places with hipfrastructure. The  hipsters themselves are simply a sign your hip ecology is healthy, like seeing frogs in a pond or something. Frogs with moustaches. Playing banjos. You get the idea.

more horrifying than the Sting pic? Discuss

more horrifying than the Sting pic? Discuss

So the lesson is that in ice as in life, cool matters and we should support both.

Also: Natural gas lines. Fix that shit now. Holy crap, people we’re all going to die.