The Real Bowling Green Massacre: Journalist and Salem City Councilor Josh Turiel Digs Up The Truth

Today, with the passing of time we thought we could finally get the full story of the infamous Bowling Green Massacre documented properly for the public, fresh off Kellyanne Conway’s assertion that the real media glossed over this tragic event. Well, your Gloucester Clam isn’t just any media source – we’re renegades out to get to the truth behind the Bowling Green Massacre. We contacted the principals and arranged interviews with as many of the people involved as possible. Most agreed to participate. The following is a transcript of the conversations we had.

 

Dustin Henderson, Endicott commuter student: “So me and Chad (Balazzo, also a student) came home after we got wings at the Dog [The Dogbar restaurant] and it was just total chaos.”

Chad: “Duuuuude.”

Dustin: “There were, like, 20 people in our apartment because fackin Tim (Kelly, their third roommate) had scored some really amazing bud. And he was having a party and he hadn’t even texted us to tell us. Not cool!”

 

Tim: “Dude, I figured they’d get back soon enough, it was great weed but I knew they really wanted to go out for wings.”

 

Dustin: “”So I went into my room because it was really too loud with all the people in the living room. I was watching TV and Aqua Teen was going to come on next, and it was one of the MC Pee Pants episodes, so I wanted to be ready for it. I grabbed the bowl and opened the ceramic turtle I keep on top of my dresser, and… NOTHING.”

Chad: “Duuuuuude.”

 

Dustin: “I totally had weed in there. Fuck.”

 

Cody (Peters, a “acquaintance” of Tim Kelly): “So I was wandering around the apartment and the door was open, right? I saw this badass ceramic turtle, and picked it up to give it a look – it had some of the weed in it! So since the bowl was being passed around the other side of the room and never got to me hardly, I rolled one out for my side. I mean, sure nobody was sitting there but me so I smoked it solo, but shit happens, right?”

 

Dustin: “That was really good bud from Kentucky, too, and they just massacred it. How the fuck am I gonna score more of that?

At this point in the evening, Mo (Mohammed) Nadar (American-born), a friend of Dustin’s from Montserrat College of Art arrived with the plan of picking up Dustin and going to the Rhumbline.

Mo: “I don’t know, the Rhumbline is so, like, authentic, you know? No airs and shit? Not like the way Cabot Street in Beverly has gotten all pretentious. So I figured they were keeping things real over the bridge and I’d grab Dustin because he, like, lives right down the street from the Rhumb. And he usually has a stash in that turtle of his.”

Dustin: “Mo’s a solid dude, but he never has his own weed. Says it’s a religious thing. I think he’s, like, Iraqian?”

By this time the lack of weed was coming to a head. Lacking any more to smoke, attention turned quickly to the raging munchies that the partygoers all had.

 

Aimee (Grant), a survivor: “I saw someone with some hummus.”

 

She had assumed that Mo’s vaguely Middle Eastern appearance meant he had brought food with him.

 

Tim: “Aimee looked at Dustin’s friend Mo and said “Guys, he’s got hummus – he’s like, totally Arab!”

 

With this pronouncement, several partygoers surged towards the entrance where Mo was. In the melee, an Xbox was trampled and killed.

Xbox (this was recorded from Dustin’s Xbox Live account): “SYSTEM FAULT”

Already in motion, when the crowd realized that there was no hummus:

Aimee: “So I was wrong, he didn’t have hummus. My bad?”

Someone made the decision to go down the street for more food. People were trampled along with the Xbox.

Savannah Lolapalooza, Rockport High senior: : “By then the dust was setltling. Dustin had a thousand yard stare and was clearly covered in some kind of orange powder, which we later realized was hot Fritos.”

artist’s reenactment

Kyle (Marsh): “So it was like, loud, but it could have just been a truck backing up? You know? Like one of those beepers they have when they back up. But like a really, really loud one. So you couldn’t even hear anything else. And my friend Kendon is like, ‘Dude, get out of the way’ and I’m like, ‘What?’ and he’s like, “That truck is backing up and you need to move,” so I like moved but it was not in, you know, like the right direction because the truck was going to like, curve when it backed up because there was this post it had to get around and Kendon is still like, “Dude, get OUT of the way,” but now I’m like listening to the beeping and the guy is yelling at me, but I don’t think he’s yelling in English. Maybe it’s, like Mexican or, I don’t know, maybe Korean or something. Anyway, I’m standing there…”

(at this point in the interview Mr. Marsh was distracted by a nip bottle on the ground and went to stare at it for the next half-hour)

Dustin: “So with all the food gone and no more green to be had, we said ‘fuck it’, got in the car, and went back up to Cape Ann Lanes to go bowling.”

Chad: “Dude kicked my ass. It was a massacre.”

We asked for comment from Frederick Douglass, but he’d died more than a century before.

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3 Comments

  1. The clam has done it, again!!! Thank DOG for real journalism

  2. Dude, like best journalistically journalizing ever to be journaled. I was like,Bowling Green, way to go AMC, bet they were recycling and shit and I was like, dude, solar, and they killed it and then Brett told me Alvy coughed up another hairball and that’s funniern hell cos Alvy is Brett’s brother. Any good job on that weather story.

  3. …..I’m hungry now.

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