Wicked Tuna: Season 4 Premier Recap!

Oh my Clams Casino, are you guys as excited as I am for the return of Wicked Tuna? So confession: I missed the Season Premier of Wicked Tuna last Sunday. I skipped town for a few days and went to Atlantic City with my husband – apparently I am a 73 year old woman from Cos Cob named Geraldine who chainsmokes Virginia Slims and putters about on a motorized scooter, and not a 31 year old with pink hair and an elaborate knowledge of memes. Who knew? Anyway that’s why this update is a week behind the air date. My bad.

Anyway the episode starts off on opening day with some changes. Looks like Paul Hebert has a new boat again, the Kelly Ann, with a whole new bunch of people to yell at, which is just fantastic. Also Tyler fired all the kids on Stonerboat and replaced them with experienced fishermen, one of which unsurprisingly looks like a stoner kid. The Hot Tuna has an additional hirsute family member aboard, the Hard Merchandise is still one lag bolt away from falling apart in the ocean, and the Tuna.com is pretty much the same as last year.


I can only imagine how clogged their shower drain gets.

I can only imagine how clogged their shower drain gets.

Every boat gets to where they put lines in the water while they recap last year and awkwardly explain how fishing works in general, and then there’s a Big Dramatic Moment where everyone is waiting for the first bite. And the winner is Paul Hebert and his random boat with random people! Hooray!

Also Hot Tuna and Pinwheel get bites. And then, ten minutes and twenty-eight seconds into the episode comes the first “We need this fish!” That means you take a drink, for those of you watching at home. Our Favorite Catch Phrase is uttered by Tyler’s new vaguely familiar looking crew member, who apparently will not be putting up with any tomfoolery as he is older and has a family. The other crew member looks like he got lost on his way to a homemade skateboarding video shoot. Did they shanghai a twelve year old?



Turns out the Hot Tuna actually caught a shark, Paul’s Rando Boat’s line snapped, and it ends up that the Pinwheel wins the Wheel O’ Fish. And in the special bonus round, they also get the second fish of the season AND THEN THE THIRD before another boat catches anything else. I’m sure many celebratory bong hits were ripped because they just kicked everyone else’s ass.

Over on the Hot Tuna, everyone still has plenty of majestic facial hair. They should really just call this boat Four Beards and A Dog. They finally catch a fish. I kind of spaced out at this point but the dog was barking the entire time, I’m sure. Where does that dog take a crap, anyway? Things I wonder about.

Hard Merchandise catches nothing but also doesn’t sink, so bonus really. The last segment has the Tuna.com catching something.

Looks legit.

Looks legit.

At the end of the episode, Stonerboat decides to do some kind of surfing thing that seems like it will most certainly result in grevious bodily harm. The episode ends, but since I’m a week behind, I must soldier on, steadfast in my resolve to watch this show and recap it for you so you don’t have to waste an hour of your lives. I can do another episode tonight. How much margarita mix do I have left?

Episode 1 Stats:

Tunas caught: 5

“We need this fish!” count: 2

Margaritas consumed: 2.3

Times I paused the episode to re-examine my life choices: 3


(Obvious Disclaimer Before Folks Get Mad: The majority of cast members of Wicked Tuna are on the whole, good dudes – especially Dave Cararro, who was probably the nicest customer I’ve ever had. I’m being sarcastic in my write-up of this show. I would probably drink with any of these guys.)

Parking Space Savers. Let’s just not.

You know what I’ve always hated with the fiery heat of a million suns? The idea of space savers. We don’t see them in Gloucester – and I’ll explain that part later – but in Boston, they’re a storied tradition of selfishness and “I got mine so fuck off” entitlement. They turn everyone into assholes. I mean, bigger assholes than usual. And they shouldn’t be allowed anymore. This asinine tradition is out of control, it’s gotten to the breaking point, and we all just need to grow the fuck up.

OK, it happened in Gloucester this one time last week but seriously who is this guy?

OK, it happened in Gloucester this one time last week but seriously who is this guy?

Let me let you in on something here, before we go any further: YOU PARKED ON A PUBLIC STREET. YOU DO NOT OWN A SPOT ON A PUBLIC STREET. IT IS NOT YOURS.

I’ve had this fight a ton of times before. It’s not like I don’t see the inherent unfairness of taking an hour, or more, to shovel out your car and go to work, only when you get back, there’s someone else in that space. “What the hell”, you think. “That’s not fair“. Well, that car belongs to someone else. Someone who probably, let me reach here, also most likely shoveled out a space in order to leave where they were during the storm to get to where they are now, which is “your spot”. They probably didn’t drive from Florida just to show up on your street, and if they did, maybe they need to pee so just let them park.

There’s such egregious selfishness in putting a bookcase, set of lawn darts, or your least favorite kid out on your street for days so you, only precious, special you, can use it, so no one else who needs a spot, even for twenty fucking minutes while you’re at your shitty job for the next eight hours. Here’s the thing: people need to do shit on your street. Grandmothers need to babysit grandkids. Visiting nurses need to help the elderly. Someone may have a friend visiting overnight. People that don’t live on your street? THEY CAN PARK THERE. BECAUSE AGAIN, IT’S A FUCKING PUBLIC STREET.




“WAH BUT I SHOVELED WAAAH IT WAS SO HARD! IT WAS WORSE THAN CHOLERA!” Okay, you know what? There’s a simple way to fix this (hint: sarcasm). It’s how we do it in Gloucester – you just don’t get to park on the street during a snow emergency. Any street, anywhere. That makes it easy – plows just plow the parking lane! Hooray, everybody gets to park after it’s all done! But it makes it a real fucking goddamn pain in the ass for you – hope you can find another place to park for a couple days, and then dig out of that spot just like you’d do at home. Hint: bring a shovel on the non-working T to go find your car. Oh, you can’t? It would be a bigger pain than shoveling out your car? See, we’re getting somewhere. Shoveling your car out is the price you pay for the convenience of parking on a public street by your residence during a snowstorm. Full stop.  And those unshoveled spots on your street are ALSO YOUR FAULT because plows can’t get to them since your car and your neighbors’ cars block access. So instead of whining about “your” space, dig out another one. Because that’s how shit works in the real world. You don’t like it? Well, you can always pay for a garage space somewhere.

The biggest argument against space savers is the absolutely fucking stupid vigilante shit that happens in its wake. People who aren’t aware of Boston’s storied idiotic tradition get their cars dumped on, or they get their tires slashed, or they get shot. It is not okay to do these things, ever. But clearly the sense of entitlement is so deep with space savers that it suddenly becomes okay to do thousands of dollars of property damage to some low-income transplant who cleans houses on your street, or some visiting CNA who makes $11 an hour to make sure your 99 year old neighbor isn’t dead on her floor. The worst part is that Menino (God rest his awesome soul) gave his tacit approval to the practice by declaring all space savers be removed within 48 hours.

“But my neighbor is ever so lazy and just waits for us to do the hard work!” Okay, so here’s a quick thought: maybe talk to your neighbor, like an adult, and see what the deal is. Maybe you don’t realize your neighbor is battling a health issue. Maybe your neighbor is lazy as shit after all. But that doesn’t mean you put broken TVs in the road and slash tires. Thankfully, the South End finally stood up and said “this is stupid, and it needs to stop”, and apparently they are not putting up with parking tomfoolery, horseplay, or shenanigans. From the Globe:

“This is a criminal act of vandalism. This is not a quaint Boston custom gone awry,” said Stephen Fox, cochairman of the South End Forum. “This is something that is intolerable in an urban environment, and it needs to be treated as a crime and not with a shoulder shrug.”

I’m done with this shit. Just ban fucking parking during storms, so people can stop acting like whiny babies and other people stop acting like it’s okay to be a giant assweasel.


It had been Tuesday all week. It was Tuesday again. Gloucester Update

Ok, here is The Clam trying to be actually useful again. We apologize for this, but it’s effing crazy out there and I thought I’d give a little report from my way into work here at Clamedia Tower on Main Street.

1. The roads are not great. You can’t see shit. Almost nothing is down to pavement especially not side roads. When I passed at 8:45 they were working on widening Bass Ave from Sayward down toward the Stop and Shop plaza.

2. They are clearing some of the roofs on the North side of Main, above G333k, Dogtown Books and The Franklin. Dudes are up there literally with hammers chipping shit away. It’s insane.

using OSHA certified safety systems, no doubt

3. There is no parking. It’s goddamed nuts. I had to park at the train station and pay four bucks, then walk back down to Main. Even the holy covenant between Abraham and Yahweh securing the right to parking downtown for the chosen people was dashed as I found out the Temple had a contractor coming to remove the snow.

4. Sidewalks are better but still not great, especially once you get out of downtown. I had to literally walk in Washington street to get down from the train station.

Banks are taller than me

Banks are taller than me


Long and short, it’s going to take at least a week to clean this shit up and I’m also hearing folks pipes starting to freeze and sprinklers going off. One assumes as more people try and get back to work today after Washington’s Birthday there will be more problem discovered. People are wearing thin, a bobcat driver threatened a friend of mine last night.

It’s never the emergency, it’s the aftermath. Keep strong people.


The Roof of the Eastern Ave Shaws just went, also no commuter rail

The roof of the Eastern Ave Shaws apparently just partially collapsed. Reports at this time say no one was hurt.

Also the Commuter Rail has suspended service on our line (Newburyport/Rockport) so they can continue with snow removal.

Hat tip to the Gloucester Daily Times for reporting on actual essential news rather than Mardi Gras pizza recipes in the midst of a declared emergency.



Frozen Clams- Vacation Week

It’s Vacation week here in Gloucester which means looking after small children while trying to do the paid gigs also while trying to keep the atoms in our genitals from becoming a Bose Einstein condensate (look it up).

Colder than Ayn Rand's liveread of "The Giving Tree"

Colder than Ayn Rand’s liveread of “The Giving Tree”

So we’re on a limited “when we can” posting schedule and we’re going to try and keep you updated on the funny but also some of the useful as well. One of the things we’ve noticed these past few storms how TERRIBLE the communication centralization has been. The communication itself has actually been very good, all the department heads and the Mayor have been getting the word out, but on every conceivable platform and nowhere all at once. People hear different news at different times, then post it. School closings get to the TV but not to any kind of email or text for hours later.

There have been seemingly random phone calls through the “code red” system, emails, tweets, postings on Facebook and for reasons no one seems to be able to explain The Bridge Cape Ann- which as far as I know is an all-pay advertising site- has become the best source for up-to-date news on snow removal and messages from the police chief. Why is this? Why isn’t this the job of the actual newspaper that has an actual news website? Or the city’s website? Why are people flocking to the Mayor’s personal Facebook page to tell her about missed oil deliveries? Because 21st century I guess.  It is, however, extremely frustrating.


Seriously- this guy is the best thing we have, and he’s running presumably for-pay contests in the middle of it. That’s fine, that’s his business, but is this really the best we can do as a public information source? Although, we should note his studio is amazing, it really looks just like some dude’s kitchen shot with a terrible in-display laptop camera. I’m guessing CGI.


Since we’re doing the “info from everyplace” thing here are a few other tips from downtown Gloucester as I made my way to Clamedia Tower this morning:

  • Center Street- the one that goes up to Middle from next to Passports. Yeah, that’s a one way. Even in the Subaru I needed to pile the coal into the boilers to get her enough steam to make it up, but of course dude in K-Car has to turn down it just as I’m 3/4 way up. That means either K-Car dude was going to have to back up, or me back all the way down and I have the all-wheel-drive. But the takeaway: There is no way for two cars to pass as of 8:45 this morning. I’m recommending don’t use it at all until it’s widened.
  • Middle/Pleasant Street Parking Lot- Looks like it has been abandoned for future generations to uncover. It’s pretty much a glacier right now. Don’t expect to find parking there either unless you’re in a full-on SUV with some clearance and good tires.
  • Main Street- left side has a few spaces. Right side none. You know what, don’t plan on parking there.
  • Sidewalks- Seem to have been cleared downtown which is awesome. Still no chance beyond Flanagan’s Square, you’re in the road at that point, pedestrians.

Ok, I know everyone is saying “check your seniors” which is great and we’ve been doing that, but it’s crazy-ass cold out there and I know that heating systems are going to be pressed to the max. So I’m asking not just for people to check on others but for folks, senior or otherwise, who are feeling like they are getting uncomfortable or worried not to wait until the last minute to ask for help. Call now, email, reach out, call the cops at the non-emergency line at 978.283-1212 and they, we, whomever will get you sorted out. Got it?

As The Clam will continue to say until our tongue freezes into our mouth (probably around noon or so) we are only going to get through this together.

Again, as noted, unless ice zombies show up. Then you motherfuckers are on your own. But short of that, we’re all in this together.