On February 17 of this year Boston Mayor Marty Walsh, an adult managing an unprecedented crisis only months into his first term, had to tell fellow adult residents of his city to stop acting like dipshit high school students. It seems folks were jumping out of second story windows into snowdrifts that could, under their placid and inviting surfaces, contain hazards like parking meters, bike racks and the frozen corpse of Keytar Bear, leading to unnecessary injuries requiring responses from Boston’s already taxed emergency services.
“I’m asking people to stop their nonsense right now. These are adults jumping out windows…It’s a foolish thing to do and you could kill yourself. We’re asking people to act responsibly in the city of Boston. This isn’t Loon Mountain, this is the city of Boston, where we’re trying to remove snow off of the street and it becomes very dangerous. And the last thing we want to do is respond to an emergency call where somebody jumped out of the window because they thought it was a funny thing to do.”
Good for the Mayor that while the public transit system was devolving into collection of random frozen parts with no mechanical relationship to each other and the streets became impassable to all but Thiakol brand tracked vehicles, he took the time out to drop the hammer on “Snow Bros” who are truly a scourge on our city any amount of precipitation, or for that matter lava from a newly formed volcano rising out the intersection of Stuart and Dartmouth streets in Copley could ever hope to match.
We hope the Mayor keeps up reminding dudes named Justin what not to do. It’s a public service and he should name a cabinet-level official to oversee. Until then, The Clam would like to offer some additional points Mayor Walsh should remind us (especially the ones wearing boat shoes) not to do:
– Shots of Fireball
– Extraneously pluralize the name of defunct business chains (Caldor’s, Lechmere’s, etc).
– Wear your hat backwards.
– Snowboard down Boylston while chugging a Mountain Dew Code Red