In Which I Propose We Somehow Float Gloucester Slowly Towards Costa Rica

Okay, this snow is officially bullshit.

It was kind of a little fun and quaint last week for like ten minutes before the snow got in our preschooler’s mittens and he started wailing and then his snot froze to his cheek and then it was not fun anymore for anyone.

But then it happened again with the damn snow. Before we really even got a chance to deal with it. And now it’s like seven billion tons of snow and we definitely can’t deal with it now. And now we’re due to get even MORE snow? Are you SHITTING me? It already looked like my street had a terrible cocaine problem, now it’s just ludicrous.

Oh look, how cute and Rockwellian!

Oh look, how cute and Rockwellian!


Oh hell to the NO.











I can’t deal with this cold white scourge. I bet you can’t, either. Remember the summer? Man the summer was rad as heck. Sure it gets a little hot once in awhile, but that’s when we jump in the ocean.

Anyway Gloucester’s a total mess now, despite the herculean effort our DPW has been making to clean up. I have officially abandoned 2 of our 3 vehicles now, and our neighbors are sharing our tiny driveway because they’ve got nowhere to go, all the street parking is gone. I’m literally running the whole family around in a 2WD, 13 year old Nissan XTerra with 205k miles on it, all-season tires (damnit) and an alternator that I can best describe as “sketchy.” My 6′ fence that keeps my annoyingly barky hound dog firmly in my yard is starting to disappear – the snow was plowed right up and over and apparently now he can waltz right over the fence and run around barking which I learned the hard way this afternoon.

I cannot deal with more snow days, either. My kids have been home for 4 days. We have played all the Mario Kart we can play (even Rainbow Road ugh), and we have LEGO’d for too hard and too long. We have nerf gun bruises and our DVR has nothing new on it. Every single glove, hat, and scarf is sopping. We can’t take much more.

I have our only solution:

We hack the island off from the mainland with a bunch of band saws and slowly row our way south.

I know, that probably sounds like crazy talk. But I talked to a guy who says his brother’s girlfriend is like totally a geologist and he told me that this plan is totes foolproof. Couple dozen band saws and a weekend’s worth of work and we’re floating down the coast. Then we just gotta get some people to row, maybe use my neighbor’s 20HP Evinrude to save some time.  We tie the greasy pole behind us with a heavy rope, wave goodbye to West Gloucester and everything up the line and motor southward.




– Uh, it’s warmer and we won’t have snow, duh.

– Still have tourism economy and probably fishing but more the kind with long boats and spears of some type.

– We can teach the locals onshore how to make seven different kinds of greasy pizza.

– Health care!

– A 95.1% literacy rate.


Giant Motherfucking Spiders

– It becomes really expensive to call people you still kinda have to care about but I mean there’s Skype.

– A lot of people’s bosses really mad about the increased commute time to Danvers.

As you can see, CLEARLY the benefits outweigh the downsides of such a move. So join me, Gloucester, and we shall demand this plan be set forth posthaste.

Before the next frickin’ storm. Please.



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  1. Welcome to Gloucester, Mr. Dowd! Although it may not be what your used to, once you live here long enough, what at first seems like a huge hardship you begin to appreciate: these are the things that build strength, resiliency and character. So grab a shovel, help dig out a neighbor, exercise your back and heart and become a Gloucesterman instead of wanting to float away from the challenge!

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