The Clam’s top reasons Thanksgiving 2014 is going to be the best ever!


Just like mom…

You already know which of your family members are racists from the past few days on FaceBook

Because it has become out of fashion to go shopping on Black Friday, it’s totes cool to do it ironically now.

If you live in the Northeast winter storm “Valid Excuse” produced some really treacherous weather maps that could easily be texted as jpegs.

You no longer have to be pissed off when a JetBlue plane taxis ahead of yours. Those bastards are suffering just as bad as everyone else.

The increasing awareness of violence and head injury in the NFL will make a nice follow-up conversation to your previous points about sexual abuse in the Catholic Church. 

Always room for a surprise guest

Always room for a surprise guest

First year since the Carter Administration Uncle Burt won’t inflict his Cosby impression on everyone when pudding is served at dessert.

Trust me, they’re just going to loooove it when after going out as a family to see “Theory of Everything” you explain how quantum effects at the event horizon via hawking radiation proves black holes lose mass over time.

If your Thanksgiving celebration includes citizens of the United Kingdom you can wink at them and say, “Imagine if you still owned this shitshow, huh?”

This is the first Thanksgiving in 80 years where you are at zero risk of having Joan Rivers burst in and make a crude comparison regarding the “dryness” of your turkey skin. 

He's going to talk about Benghazi the whole time, isn't he?

He’s going to talk about Benghazi the whole time, isn’t he?

It’s going to be great watching your teenage cousins squirm while you explain how Snapchat’s redundant server architecture means nothing is ever actually deleted. 

Last chance to pumpkin spice the great hairy bejesus out of everything.

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