Ding ding ding! Here comes the second round of the Clam’s Tournament of Shitty Parking Lots! The voting for round one has been tallied. Some lots went home losers, some have epic staying power. We’re getting closer to crowning the ultimate worst goddamn parking lot in town. Join us, as we decide which it will be.
St Peter’s Square vs 7/11 Bass Ave
St Peter’s Square: Unsurprisingly, St. Peter’s Square beat the Second Glance lot by a wide margin. I guess Second Glance’s weird-shaped lot with badly marked lines was absolutely no match when it came to the sheer batshit mayhem that is St. Peter’s Square. St. Peter’s offers up a giant helping of road rage when six drivers enter and only one finds a space (naturally, the last guy who pulled into the parking lot, with Connecticut fuckin’ plates). There is always some beefy dingus who can’t park his Ford F65000 with duallies without taking up more than one spot here. Try leaving when the bar empties out at 1. You can’t, because a girl in a white skirt and wedges is having sex with a guy who has no sleeves on his Nike t-shirt right on top of your car’s hood.
7/11 Bass Ave: This time, St. Peter’s is up against the 7/11 on Bass Ave. This 7/11 somehow beat out 7/11 on Maplewood, which is a pretty big upset – I mean, the Maplewood lot had everything to offer – daylight heroin deals, a bunch of non-working cars and boats and people squatting in the rear, and people who back up entirely without looking. But, the masses have spoken, and 7/11 Bass Ave is the winner. Unless you have found inner peace, this is the most frustrating lot in the summer. Beach traffic is already insane around that corner. No one will let you back out into the street. No one. And god fucking forbid you have to turn left to go towards Good Harbor. Fuck it, it’s easier to pick a new pope than it is to get out of that lot.
Tedeschi’s vs Dogbar Public Lot
Tedeschi’s: Surprisingly, Tedeschi’s beat out the apocalyptic hellscape that is the Shaw’s Railroad Ave lot. We here at the Clam could have bet actual money that Shaw’s would win the battle of the apostrophe-laden foodsellers, if we had any actual money. In Shaw’s, we lose a contestant that was a perennial entrant into the police log hall of fame. However, Tedeschi’s is also an epic shitshow of a lot, and we can’t deny it its day in the limelight.
Has anyone ever seen that lot freshly paved? Once, in 1988, maybe? It has potholes that could house a family of otters. People get super mega ‘roid pissed if you back out in the wrong order, but no one can even tell who was first on account of all the KENO receipts that blow onto your side mirrors at inopportune times.
Dogbar Public Lot: WHY IS THIS LOT EVEN IN OUR PHYSICAL REALM? Have we gone over this? It’s relatively useless and needlessly frustrating because of its diminutive size and questionable angles. Raise your hand if you’ve never accidentally backed into the extra-large dumpster on your way out. PUT YOUR HAND DOWN, YOU’RE LYING.
One time before 8PM I saw a drunk middle aged lady with a bleached blonde perm, a leopard print crop-top and a cigarette walk full-bore into a car’s hood here, so the lot has that going for it. I mean, let’s not forget that this lot directly abuts the Haus de Mitch, so on a Friday or Saturday eve there’s all manner of inebriated folks milling about the lot, exclaiming that they FUCKING HATE DOUG before punching the aforemetioned dumpster or they HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW SERIOUSLY REBECCA WE HAVE TO STOP.
Why is it always the otters? They are a family. Leave them to their otterly ways.
I understand I am late to the party on this but, late as I am I feel obliged to point this out: this tournament can’t claim any kind of Gloucester bona fides without at least a nod to the greatness that was Maria’s.
Yes, as craptacular Gloucester parking goes, now that the giant steel You-Can’t-See-Me-in-Your-Rear-View-Mirror-Because-I-Am-Painted-Black-And-Exactly-In-You-Blind-Spot-But-Disrespect Me-And-I-Will-CUT-You Pole Trap at Maria’s is gone, the lot displays but a shadow of it’s former majesty, but honestly, does not the venue deserve some kind of Gloucester Clam Horrible Parking Lot lifetime achievement award?
I mean – no disrespect to the hard won accomplishments of the likes of Saint Peter’s and Family Dollar, and every other bumper busting venue that has earned its way into the tourney, but none – NONE – holds a candle to Maria’s in her prime.
All of today’s contestants are fine and craptacular venues in their own right, and all are no doubt worthy contenders for the Cape’s Coveted Craparking Crown. And all of them have, I am sure, worked hard, just taking it one day at a time/just trying to go out there and execute, to get where they are today, but none of THEM have a giant steel pole placed in EXACTLY the spot you are going to back through as you pull out in your rush to get the pizza home before it gets cold.
NONE of them.
Do we consign Steve Grogan to the trash heap just because he had a 37.4 QB rating in 1988? Do we dismiss Larry Bird because he only played in 45 games in his last season? Do we stop worshiping at the altar of Roger Clemens or Butch Hobson, or Aaron Hernandez, merely because – okay, those last three might be going a little to far – but you get my point. No one in this tournament beats Maria’s in her prime.
And just to point out, Maria’s is a gamer. She’s not dead yet. She still sports a sign warning you of the pole behind you, which, JUST BECAUSE IT’S NOT LONGER THERE, doesn’t make it any less visible in your rear view mirror than it was when it WAS there. It’s a brilliant, veteran move that should not go unappreciated. Even now, well past her prime and without her patented invisible black steel blind spot pole, she still surely scores a few collisions as unwitting drivers, hurrying their haddock and scallops au gratin home, look frantically, but in vain, for a pole that ISN’T EVEN THERE, and thus ram their tailgate into some SUV barreling down Railroad Avenue in a rush to get to the liquor store. This contest is nothing but a sham without some acknowledgment of the greatness that was Maria’s. Greatness today’s pretenders can only dream about.
And get off my lawn.
You are incredibly spot-on. We are humbled for having overlooked this monstrosity of a parking lot, especially since one of us who won’t be mentioned can see it from her house.