The Clam’s Tournament of Shitty Parking Lots: Day 4

Annnd we’re back yet again to finish up the quarterfinals of The Clam’s Tournament of Shitty Parking Lots! Our last few teams involve commerce and churches. Let’s get down to business and find out whose prayers are answered in today’s battle! bracketnew Our Lady of Good Voyage vs Temple Ahavat Achim

Our Lady of Good Voyage

Our Lady of Good Voyage isn’t the worst lot in town, by far. But what makes this one unique is the veritable obstacle course contained therein. To start, there’s two different levels of parking, one a few feet higher than the other, and both have individual tiny exits flanked by fencing. The spaces are angled oddly requiring a 5 point turn to accurately park. The aisles are mirror-scrapingly narrow, and the lot appears to only cover 10% of the parish’s parking needs. The whole lot sits on a blind curve, so you will face the angry spectre of death every time you try to turn left, partially because parishioners have parked halfway on the sidewalk on both sides of the street and you can’t see a thing.

Temple Ahavat Achim (made Jim take this one)

As a creative twist, the parking at Cape Ann’s only Temple is terrible more for what it’s not than what it is. What it’s not is a functional parking lot, it’s really just a few spaces mostly reserved for older folks leaving everyone else to wander in the desert of the parking situation that is downtown. What makes this lot truly magic on the terrible court are the random people who think that it’s totes fine to park there and go use the Y. Picture this: People are trying to get in for a funeral service before sundown on Friday and 87 year old uncle Joe who’s just flown in from Ft. Meyers can’t park his rental because there are three nonmember minivans parked side by side taking up all the spots. Further imagine that once the driver realizes her car has been towed that she starts yelling at congregants as they emerge. Put her in pajamas and flip flops. Got it? Good.

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Family Dollar vs. Gloucester Crossing

Family Dollar

This lot is like one of those Super Mario levels where you have to dodge the fire-flowers on top and bottom. People will back up quickly on either side of the lot, honk, get out of the car, and gesticulate wildly at the other driver, and you’re just trying to get across the lot to get to McDonalds before they stop serving McMuffins for the day. People don’t understand geometry and will park at a 30 degree angle from the lines. Semi-trucks are often rumbling through on deliveries and will suddenly stop and block the way. Oh look, a train. Guess you’re never leaving.

Gloucester Crossing

For fuck’s sake, the stupid fake rotary? Whose idea was that? Maim that person. It’s too small, no one understands how to yield before throwing themselves into the circle of pain, and it’s like oddly partially fake cobblestone for some reason.

Other amazing features of this gigantic mega crap-lot include idiots who drive diagonally through rows of spaces without looking, people who try to drive through the lot at 88mph (probably to get back to 1985 when beer was cheaper) and the random islands that make dead ends of whichever way you assumed was the damn exit. There’s a stupid four way stop that no one can correctly maneuver, and you probably just took 128 the wrong way not paying attention because the kids are rifling through the Basket bags looking for the ripple chips.

[polldaddy poll=8136189]




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  1. When does the graphic start to show the winners? Lord knows this is the most exciting thing in most of our lives right now, and easier to figure out than the World Cup.

    And why didn’t we get a chance to bet money on this?? It should have been easy to link to some offshore online betting site, or make up some Clam scratch tickets (I’ll probably live to wish I’d never said that out loud…).

  2. That tiny roundabout is totes adorbz. The rest of the lot’s a messfest!

  3. That tiny roundabout’s totes adorbz. I wish I could trick it out with Lego cars! The rest of the lot’s a messfest.

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