9 Signature Gloucester Cocktails to Spice Up Your Memorial Day

By the Clam Contributors – James Dowd, KT and guest Len Pal

Memorial Day is about remembering those who served. We intend to run a more earnest bit this weekend honoring some of the many, many men and women who kicked ass and made the ultimate sacrifice for our country. As we were pondering what to write, we poured ourselves a generous toast to them all. It’s what Hemingway would have done.

This got us to thinking, why are there no signature Gloucester cocktails? Why no drinks that really bring out the character of the diverse melting pot/poorly supervised asylum that is Gloucester? So we made some up. YOU’RE WELCOME.

THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL CITY FOLKS (photo courtesy of Cape Ann Images)

THIS IS A TOTALLY NORMAL CITY, FOLKS. LA LA LA. (photo courtesy of Cape Ann Images)

The Greasy Pole

  • Oak barrel whiskey
  • Sea salt
  • Drizzle rim of glass with mixture chocolate and Karo Syrup
  • Splash of Amaretto

The Lanesville

  • Finnish Vodka
  • Granite dust
  • Bitters

(To be drunk alone)

The Fort


The Maplewood

  • Monster energy drink
  • 1 crushed Suboxone
  • 2 blister packs Sudafed
  • Handful of pixie sticks
  • 1 bottle prescription cough syrup
  • 1 quart denatured laboratory alcohol
  • Slushie syrup (purple preferred)
  • Another Monster energy drink

Served mixed together in a stolen Styrofoam cooler set on fire

Still needs Monster. I'm on it.

Still needs Monster. I’m on it.







The Man at the Wheel

  • A handful of Altoids mints
  • Just one beer like three hours ago honestly officer


The East Gloucester

  • Organic heirloom carrot juice
  • Kale
  • Man tears
  • Your testicles, dried and powdered
I was human once, like you

I was human once, like you









The Teen*

  • Vodka from stepmom’s liquor cabinet
  • ½ bottle blue Powerade

Serve in bottle walking around yelling and falling down

*We have been told this is a real thing oh god why


The Ocean View Inn

  • Take patron’s money, close bar and run
When can I open my eyes?

When can I open my eyes?

The Roadside

  • Large DD iced coffee
  • Kahlua nip
  • Can of Nattie Ice

Mix together and drink through five scratched lottery tickets rolled up together like a straw

Enjoy these fine concoctions and post your own in the comments. Have a great long weekend everyone and thanks for making The Clam such a huge success.

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  1. Love the OVI, I worked there and what happened was not a surprise.

  2. The Lanesville – yup. The Fort – hilarious!

  3. the maplewood sounds like my kinda drink

  4. East Gloucester…too funny..organics are perfect here for my three varieties of kale…

  5. Wait a minute, I sense some favoritism here. You have offended everyone in Gloucester except the fishermen.

    • 1 pint Allen’s coffee flavored brandy
    • 2 Tbsp squid gurry
    • 1 squirt tobacco juice
    • Stir with lobster gauge

    Everything after the brandy is optional

  6. The Squam Rock:

    2 oz Bombay Sapphire gin
    1 oz water baled straight out of the yacht club launch
    1 oz fine tennis court sand
    1 pickle
    1 doughnut
    A pinch more ambition/legacy than other drinks

    To be drunk with chowdah, while looking across the channel at Wingaersheek beach and pitying the masses all the way over on the other side of the bridge.

  7. “The Teen” has been known for years to my social circle as “The Hoth Ion Cannon.”

  8. You left out an important part of the Maplewood – throw all cans and plastic containers used in making the drink onto the sidewalk, street or building steps.

  9. The “Mom”
    1 jigger of milk
    Lunchbox remainder of stony field yogurt “tube”
    Vanilla Extract (like, a lot)
    Enjoy as horrible children accidentally pants you climbing up your leg.

  10. The Bass Rocks
    227 empty Segram nip bottles chucked out the car window between the driving range and the 14th green.

  11. So good!! All of them and the commenters, too…awesome!!

  12. captain bedworthy

    The side lot:
    Over-rich harley tailpipe exhaust bubbled through the sweat from a dozen aging wanna be bikers. Serve with handful viagra and choice of prostate meds.

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